happy new year 2005
God I hope this year will be alot better than last, i think last year was the worst year i have ever had, im begining to think the place i am in my life right now is just not meant be, i hope a few years or so later i can look back and say to myself "man i remember that rough time I went through and look how i made through ok" but like i said before im taking it one day at a time and yeh i admit theres a little voice in the back of my head that still thinks about killikng myself but I dont want to be in that stage no more, I want it all to go away and its so hard right now everywhere i go everything i see still makes me feel like shit I feel very fragile, and I dont know how im going to feel tommarrow. I cried yesturday in the shower i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but I didnt!
Well things have been crazy still, now its family issues well first me and Sabrina had something realy wierd and suspisious happen to us last week, she said that someone called them about 1:00 o clock in the morning saying "hey what are you guys doing? do you know who this is? its me Chrissy(shes the ony one who calls me Chrissy)Joaquin answered the phone and passed it her, and she said how I was saying all these things that noone really knows about me, she said that i said that i was preganant and how we didnt want anyone to know, how i asked them to bring me over some hot cheetos right now because because i was craving them, just realy wierd things, she also said that the number from whoever it was that called them was blocked, ok so when I do take my medication sometimes I admit I sometimes dont remember things but if I were to have called them from my house and dont remeber doing it, it would have said the call was coming from my house even if it were the the cell phone! I dont know its wierd and creepy as hell, she said it didnt sound like me, my laugh was different and she was joking with me and i kept saying sarcastic things back to her. I dont who or what it was, could possibly be me and I dont remember? but like I said the phone thing. It just makes me upset cuz the only other explanation could be that someone is playing a really fucked up joke on us, but how would they know these things and who would do something like that? the next day they brought me cheetos and a coke and i was trippin like why did they bring me this like that was nice of them and than thats were she told me I have to tell you something but dont get freaked out" and told me all about the call. I dont know its gotta be something else, its just freeky! Anyways for New Fucking Years Eve me, Mark, CIto, Gloria, Joquin, and Sbrina ended up going to Thunder Valley and To Claim Jmpers for dinner took us fricken forever to get dinner I didnt even want to go because i new something was going to happen, and Rene anded up having some big party at his house when they were originally were supposed to hang out with us, I know he wants to hang out with big brother Mark and have things be the way they were all married but we have all seperate lives now and are int different things and have new frineds, but were different, I dont think he sees that and I want him and Mark to be close. Betty said that he said why I never wanted to go down there house, but they dont even know half the shit I went through this year and yeh partly it was because i felt uncomfortable around them, but the other half was because i was going through something bad and didnt even want to step out into my own back yard or for that matter even leave my house, see Mark hasnt realy told Rene everything yet about what were going through or what im going through i guess he knows I was in the hospitol and all but he doesnt know the extreme of it, and im not ashamed of it if and if it'll make him understand, I want Mark to tell him so he knows what were going through and why were right now so close to Sabrina and Joaquin we just mesh and theyve been there for me like noone else has. We all hit off from when we first met and I think maybe alot of people are jeolus of that, well Rene got pretty mad at Mark for not going to his party, I told him I didnt want go Thunder Valley, but at the same time I wanted to hang out with them and we were supposed to come back early and things got fucked up and we didnt even end up going, and I ended up getting pissed because some dumb white girl was all over Marco, and he didnt even do anything I sat there while everyone looked at him while he let her put her tits and crotch in his face, the worst thing about this shit, is thats theres always someone like Cito & Gloria around or Fed & Cam around, people that like to talk shit! u know us were pretty open minded about stuff but when theres people like that around and hes making comments about waitresses boobs and letting shit like that happen its not cool! Everytime we go somewhere he does it to me just like when were with Fed& Cam , Cam kept saying are you going to let him talk like that about her and what gets me is that I feel humiliated in front them and he doesnt understand that! i just wish he would thnk about the things he says and does before he does them! because it hurts me I would never hurt him like that I swear I have never in the time that weve been together have felt so much pain it was like the topping to my fucked up ass 2004 cake! i held it in, infront of everyone, but wanted cry so bad! I wanted to see how long it would take for him to push her away but he didnt I had to finally get up and say thats my husband your on. I felt so humiliated, Gloria was just looking at at my like i was stupid! after that when it was 2005 a few minutes later i walked around by myself went to the bathroom and cried, my heart ached for 4 hours i never thought that he would ever make me feel like! and he probably still doesnt know what it feels like to have a broken heart, like I did that night. I just hope Mark learns how to be more aggressive this year to his brother to everything, he needs to learn to stand up for him self and i do too. Im over it now i dont care i know hes dumb sometimes and does things like that but I know he loves me very much! and would never intentionally hurt me if he where smart enough to know. well so we'll see what happens with Mark and Rene hopefuly they'll patch things up again, Renes really sensative about things, he called new years about 2:00 in the morning after we went home, and Sabrina & Joaquin eneded up going down there house and he went off on Mark cussin saying how come his realtionship isnt the same but there different from us there Raiders Were Niners There close minded, Were not, there high strung, were mellow! but we'll see all I ask for this year is for things to get better, and I ask that God to give me the strength to take move forward with my life....

mi familia

xmas 2004 rucas