the gang at my 70's party 1997
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
"Hello" is the coolest thing, it finally lets you post pix to your blog, I was kinda hisitant at first beacuse who knows what kind of crazy Richard Ramirez' there are out there reading my shit but if im one day going to publish this so everyone can know whats its like to be me i might as well put real shit in it right? so fuck it! its about 3:30 and im here by myself Mark had to go to Lala land again I hate it when he leaves im here all alone and I cant even get my sorry ass up to go anywhere all I want to do is sleep all day! until he comes home but i feel bad for my dog! well this morning i had a dream that I had a baby girl she was beutiful ive been lately having dreams about a little boy but last night I finally had a dream about a girl, I dreamt that Mark left me by myself and went out with his friend Pete while I was home with the baby, we went to the store, to get something to eat, it was wierd, and she liked to swim she sawm alot and she was good! I want this baby, but im am so scared! I have alot of addictions even though I hate to admit it! just call me Marilyn Monroe or Elvis, im addicted to sleeping pills i cant stop taking them, i cant sleep at night so i take one every night I think my body is going through withdrawls I keep waking up at night in a drench of sweat! and I want to stop so i can be healthy baby, if I am pregnant, but I know its going to be so hard for me! no alocohol! no marijuana! no nothing! and im not stupid! I wouldnt anything to harm my baby, but im allready stressing!
So Ive been bored and decided to write about me and explain why I am so fucked up I why i feel the way do, I dont think anybody really knows my real story, so I thought by writing this maybe it'll help me since I cant seem to get an appt. with a Psych. well see both of my parents are mentally disabled, i mean they cant read or write, manage money or anything like that, but there actually pretty smart in other ways, my mother is the biggest minipulator ever! See i actually grew up with my grandparents they raised me when I was little I did live with my mom and dad at a time but they didnt really know how to raise a child,(my mom supposingly couldnt even have children) not to be mean or anything my mother was a little crazy! I saw so many thiiings in my life you wont even believe and im not going to sit here and lie, but I want to tell the whole truth, and i'll try not to make them seem like the bad guys because I do love them very much. My mom has a bad temper, she is the biggest hypocondriact, and a big time lier. She knows what shes doing despite the way she is! buti do love her! I can remember my mother having sex with all these men I swear my father would not be there, or even sometimes he would be and I would be locked into a room while I can see through a peep whole the whole time what was going on. I dont know what was going through there minds at this time because of the way they are, but some how I dont reallly think they understood the whole real concept of it! or how it would affect me or or even that I would remember every little horrible detail! And this didnt go on just with my mom, no my dad would do the same exact thing too, see my mom and grandma would go to the mall and we would walk to this little whore house of a motel down the street and my father would meet the same lady in the same room and they would well use your imagination...while they would lock me in this hell whole bathroom while I again could watch what was happening in the peep hole! I think maybe this is why im so sexual, me and Mark have a wonderful sex life and of course its always me the aggressor! ive seen it all, my father with different women, my mother with different men, men I cant even mention. and than there was me see if you see a picture of me and my parents, we look nothing alike I look nothing like my family, i look like little orphan annie with red hair and white skin while every one looks like Indians! now tell me what do you think about that, I may be blind but not dumb! my father had this friend which we'll call him the bread man, he would often come around the house I guess they all went to school together my mom and him, and let me tell you although my family may not want to say anything or be in denile about about this man, it is with no doubt in my mind he is probably my real father, he has red hair white skin, and when i got my seizures and was in my Anthropology class one day and found out that it was heriditary and that he had them too, that told me everything, ive even tried to find out the truth but you know what I really dont care I love my father he was a good dad despite the fact that he cant destiguish between whats morally right and wrong he was good to me! he showed me alot of love! he made me macaroni, and hugged me when i needed to be hugged! my mom on the other hand was a different story she was mainly the reason why I went to live with my grandparents which, lived right across the street ooh far huh?! but I got away from her that way, My mom like I said earlier was not the best mom, but I dont blame her for that. My parents would argue alot she would even beat my dad sometimes and I would get in the middle of it while my dad cried and she took her anger on me by beating me up, one night we got in to a big fight that she even tried to suffocate me! but I got away from her! I know this sounds crazy coming from two menatlly disabled people they probably sound like noraml people huh? and I didnt mention I was only about 5 or 6 years old at the time, I was just a child and still till this day I can remember every little detail about everything!
Despite all this shit i had to go through I also became real sick I still dont even know what it was till this day, one day we were all at home watching Tv in the front room and I couldnt get up and walk they rushed me to the hospitol and said that i had a rare disease that affected my bones and that if they wouldnt have tooken me right away I might have never been able to walk again. Wierd huh? The doctor said it was like 1 outta 1000 that would get something like this. I dont know all I can say is im Thankful im ok!
Well My dad he had a lot friends come over to the house my mom does have a really friendy personality i say even though people dont know the real her, so there friends would come over and play with me and well things happened and I was molested! it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it, I cant even really tell you by how many men but I remember one particular person! why did I put myself into those positions to let it happen, I think this is maybe why I dont like myself so much, one of the many reasons!! I blame myself for letting it happen, but my family did eventual find out about it, this one lady that was actually trying to protect me mentioned it and they didnt believe me or her!!! I can remember child protective services coming by and asking me all these sexual questions, they took me to the doctor did all these tests on me and i can remember being in so much pain, ill never forget that, but my family seemed to ignore it as I can remember, my parents still this day are still friends with him, they'll tell me "oh guess who called"? and im thinking to myself ok they must not know any better but why does my grandmother not say anything i know she must know, its all these years been just a hush hush sorda thing!
It was very hard for me growing up with parents like them I love them and all but I would be lying to myself if i said I didnt wish I had a normal family like everyone else, i feels so envyous towards my husband because although his family may get on my nerves sometimes they are all beutiful in ther own way and I wish I had what he does. I think school was the hardest for me I went to Catholic school see, a little small school where everyone knows everyone and all there business! I have always been different from all the other kids wether it was my red hair or my 2 menatlly disabled parents that I had, everyone knew us and at that time it wasnt cool to be different, I got made fun of alot, i hated the way I looked and still do, ive heard all the red head jokes, Annie, Strawberry Short Cake, freckle face, Raggedy Ann, and ive learned to live with it guess because now adays red hair isnt so bad, its the only thing that made me different and distinguished me from all the other girls was that of my red hair! now all the girls want it, and that irritates me so bad!!When im finally glad to be different im not!
anyways as I was saying, all my friends new my mom and dad they would walk me to school everyday because we only lived around the block and I admit it i was totaly embarressed of them my dad liked to make all kinds of goofy jokes, and make all kinds of goofy faces, and I hated it! I knew people would talk about me behind my back and kids are mean! they would call them retareded! and I would cry! and for a very very long time I had a hard time accepting them and as I got older I never wanted my friends to meet them because I was so embarressed of them and I think I was always scared that if I did get a boyfriend he wouldnt be good to them.
And when I went to junior high I met someone and he wasnt! he would call them retarded. He was an asshole!! he was a friend of my friends boyfriend and at first I didnt even like him I thought he was ugly! and than we began tocme friemds and one thing led to another and this is were I began to rebell! See I was the kind of kid that your parents would say you couldnt hang out with because I was a bad influence, and as I still find my self peer pressuring my friends! even though I dont want to, after all the shit I made my friends do! and everything i went through with that. Me and Ricky (my x) we had a very bad relationship, he was mentallly and physically abusive, because of him I put my family through hell, I rebelled big time, I lost friends, and I became someone I didnt like very much! I ran away from home I did drugs, i cut school all the time i dont even know how I graduated, because I never went, I had alot of sex, I got suspended twice, I hung out with a gang, and rode around in stolen cars,I did alot of bad bad things.
For a long time I couldnt help regret everything so much, everything i put myself and the people i loved through, last year actually I went through whole regret mode I kept telling myself WHY?WHY?WHY? What was I thinking? i was stupid! I felt like I waisted a whole 6 years of my life with him, I loved him in a crazy fucked ass way! but that was a time in my life I wish I could erase from my memory and take back! And than I began to think if I would have not went through it I wouldnt be the person I am today, it did in fact make me stronger. I can now tell others what it was like and I understand women that go through the same thing I did, we connect on some level.
I had a best friend back than he was actually me and Ricky's best friend his name was Bert the most beutiful person I ever knew, he used to hang out with us all the time I will never forget him! he used to protect me from Ricky, and mad me laugh all the time, I wish he was still here, its funny how life is one day your here the next your not, he was killed by his own uncle, long story but I love him and sometimes till this day he visits me in my dreams and talks to me, I know ill see him again one day.
All the people we meet in our lives as the years pass i know for me they all leave a memory of some kind wether theyve done me wrong or are still best friends I will love them always and forgive them, thats just me I could never hate anyone no matter what! To my parents even though I have told all our juicy gossip and I didnt want to make you seem like the bad guys because your not and I forgive you for eveything and I will forever as long as I live take care of you and give you everything you desrve.
Theres so many different people and ive learned a little bit from each one wether theyve left me with something to remeber or made an impact on my life I will never forget any of you....Tommy, Naomi, Ursula, Jennifer Angela, Elva, Laura, Daniel F., Ricky, MaryAnn, Valentino, Ariston, Mesa, Felicia, Roy, Jacob, Frank, Bert, Beto, Adrian, Blanca, Chata, Sergio, Vero, Dino, Conrad, Isiah, Polo, Emilio, Joel, Karla, Michelle, Nisha, Summer, Elvia, George, Andy and most of all to my love of my life, soul mate, best friend, and angel Marco, wether we leave this life together or not I will remeber you and love you with all my soul in this life and in the next.....
Ok what am i talking about i sound like im dying tomarrow or something all dramatic! but theres some many things ive seen and things i didnt want to see, but thats life I know i'll probably see alot more things i dont want to, and im not writing for people to feel sorry for me but for people to see that theyre not alone in the way they feel, we all go through it some more than others and wether im sad at this moment in my life, i have hope that things will get better for me and for everybody else out there like me, so hold on and be strong and take life one day at a time because thats all we can do, And dont think that I never had good times in my life because I of course have had the most memorable funnest times ever with th epeople that i love, but the bad things just seem to stick more. I just wish sometimes I could be a whole new me and one day hopefully i will....
So Ive been bored and decided to write about me and explain why I am so fucked up I why i feel the way do, I dont think anybody really knows my real story, so I thought by writing this maybe it'll help me since I cant seem to get an appt. with a Psych. well see both of my parents are mentally disabled, i mean they cant read or write, manage money or anything like that, but there actually pretty smart in other ways, my mother is the biggest minipulator ever! See i actually grew up with my grandparents they raised me when I was little I did live with my mom and dad at a time but they didnt really know how to raise a child,(my mom supposingly couldnt even have children) not to be mean or anything my mother was a little crazy! I saw so many thiiings in my life you wont even believe and im not going to sit here and lie, but I want to tell the whole truth, and i'll try not to make them seem like the bad guys because I do love them very much. My mom has a bad temper, she is the biggest hypocondriact, and a big time lier. She knows what shes doing despite the way she is! buti do love her! I can remember my mother having sex with all these men I swear my father would not be there, or even sometimes he would be and I would be locked into a room while I can see through a peep whole the whole time what was going on. I dont know what was going through there minds at this time because of the way they are, but some how I dont reallly think they understood the whole real concept of it! or how it would affect me or or even that I would remember every little horrible detail! And this didnt go on just with my mom, no my dad would do the same exact thing too, see my mom and grandma would go to the mall and we would walk to this little whore house of a motel down the street and my father would meet the same lady in the same room and they would well use your imagination...while they would lock me in this hell whole bathroom while I again could watch what was happening in the peep hole! I think maybe this is why im so sexual, me and Mark have a wonderful sex life and of course its always me the aggressor! ive seen it all, my father with different women, my mother with different men, men I cant even mention. and than there was me see if you see a picture of me and my parents, we look nothing alike I look nothing like my family, i look like little orphan annie with red hair and white skin while every one looks like Indians! now tell me what do you think about that, I may be blind but not dumb! my father had this friend which we'll call him the bread man, he would often come around the house I guess they all went to school together my mom and him, and let me tell you although my family may not want to say anything or be in denile about about this man, it is with no doubt in my mind he is probably my real father, he has red hair white skin, and when i got my seizures and was in my Anthropology class one day and found out that it was heriditary and that he had them too, that told me everything, ive even tried to find out the truth but you know what I really dont care I love my father he was a good dad despite the fact that he cant destiguish between whats morally right and wrong he was good to me! he showed me alot of love! he made me macaroni, and hugged me when i needed to be hugged! my mom on the other hand was a different story she was mainly the reason why I went to live with my grandparents which, lived right across the street ooh far huh?! but I got away from her that way, My mom like I said earlier was not the best mom, but I dont blame her for that. My parents would argue alot she would even beat my dad sometimes and I would get in the middle of it while my dad cried and she took her anger on me by beating me up, one night we got in to a big fight that she even tried to suffocate me! but I got away from her! I know this sounds crazy coming from two menatlly disabled people they probably sound like noraml people huh? and I didnt mention I was only about 5 or 6 years old at the time, I was just a child and still till this day I can remember every little detail about everything!
Despite all this shit i had to go through I also became real sick I still dont even know what it was till this day, one day we were all at home watching Tv in the front room and I couldnt get up and walk they rushed me to the hospitol and said that i had a rare disease that affected my bones and that if they wouldnt have tooken me right away I might have never been able to walk again. Wierd huh? The doctor said it was like 1 outta 1000 that would get something like this. I dont know all I can say is im Thankful im ok!
Well My dad he had a lot friends come over to the house my mom does have a really friendy personality i say even though people dont know the real her, so there friends would come over and play with me and well things happened and I was molested! it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it, I cant even really tell you by how many men but I remember one particular person! why did I put myself into those positions to let it happen, I think this is maybe why I dont like myself so much, one of the many reasons!! I blame myself for letting it happen, but my family did eventual find out about it, this one lady that was actually trying to protect me mentioned it and they didnt believe me or her!!! I can remember child protective services coming by and asking me all these sexual questions, they took me to the doctor did all these tests on me and i can remember being in so much pain, ill never forget that, but my family seemed to ignore it as I can remember, my parents still this day are still friends with him, they'll tell me "oh guess who called"? and im thinking to myself ok they must not know any better but why does my grandmother not say anything i know she must know, its all these years been just a hush hush sorda thing!
It was very hard for me growing up with parents like them I love them and all but I would be lying to myself if i said I didnt wish I had a normal family like everyone else, i feels so envyous towards my husband because although his family may get on my nerves sometimes they are all beutiful in ther own way and I wish I had what he does. I think school was the hardest for me I went to Catholic school see, a little small school where everyone knows everyone and all there business! I have always been different from all the other kids wether it was my red hair or my 2 menatlly disabled parents that I had, everyone knew us and at that time it wasnt cool to be different, I got made fun of alot, i hated the way I looked and still do, ive heard all the red head jokes, Annie, Strawberry Short Cake, freckle face, Raggedy Ann, and ive learned to live with it guess because now adays red hair isnt so bad, its the only thing that made me different and distinguished me from all the other girls was that of my red hair! now all the girls want it, and that irritates me so bad!!When im finally glad to be different im not!
anyways as I was saying, all my friends new my mom and dad they would walk me to school everyday because we only lived around the block and I admit it i was totaly embarressed of them my dad liked to make all kinds of goofy jokes, and make all kinds of goofy faces, and I hated it! I knew people would talk about me behind my back and kids are mean! they would call them retareded! and I would cry! and for a very very long time I had a hard time accepting them and as I got older I never wanted my friends to meet them because I was so embarressed of them and I think I was always scared that if I did get a boyfriend he wouldnt be good to them.
And when I went to junior high I met someone and he wasnt! he would call them retarded. He was an asshole!! he was a friend of my friends boyfriend and at first I didnt even like him I thought he was ugly! and than we began tocme friemds and one thing led to another and this is were I began to rebell! See I was the kind of kid that your parents would say you couldnt hang out with because I was a bad influence, and as I still find my self peer pressuring my friends! even though I dont want to, after all the shit I made my friends do! and everything i went through with that. Me and Ricky (my x) we had a very bad relationship, he was mentallly and physically abusive, because of him I put my family through hell, I rebelled big time, I lost friends, and I became someone I didnt like very much! I ran away from home I did drugs, i cut school all the time i dont even know how I graduated, because I never went, I had alot of sex, I got suspended twice, I hung out with a gang, and rode around in stolen cars,I did alot of bad bad things.
For a long time I couldnt help regret everything so much, everything i put myself and the people i loved through, last year actually I went through whole regret mode I kept telling myself WHY?WHY?WHY? What was I thinking? i was stupid! I felt like I waisted a whole 6 years of my life with him, I loved him in a crazy fucked ass way! but that was a time in my life I wish I could erase from my memory and take back! And than I began to think if I would have not went through it I wouldnt be the person I am today, it did in fact make me stronger. I can now tell others what it was like and I understand women that go through the same thing I did, we connect on some level.
I had a best friend back than he was actually me and Ricky's best friend his name was Bert the most beutiful person I ever knew, he used to hang out with us all the time I will never forget him! he used to protect me from Ricky, and mad me laugh all the time, I wish he was still here, its funny how life is one day your here the next your not, he was killed by his own uncle, long story but I love him and sometimes till this day he visits me in my dreams and talks to me, I know ill see him again one day.
All the people we meet in our lives as the years pass i know for me they all leave a memory of some kind wether theyve done me wrong or are still best friends I will love them always and forgive them, thats just me I could never hate anyone no matter what! To my parents even though I have told all our juicy gossip and I didnt want to make you seem like the bad guys because your not and I forgive you for eveything and I will forever as long as I live take care of you and give you everything you desrve.
Theres so many different people and ive learned a little bit from each one wether theyve left me with something to remeber or made an impact on my life I will never forget any of you....Tommy, Naomi, Ursula, Jennifer Angela, Elva, Laura, Daniel F., Ricky, MaryAnn, Valentino, Ariston, Mesa, Felicia, Roy, Jacob, Frank, Bert, Beto, Adrian, Blanca, Chata, Sergio, Vero, Dino, Conrad, Isiah, Polo, Emilio, Joel, Karla, Michelle, Nisha, Summer, Elvia, George, Andy and most of all to my love of my life, soul mate, best friend, and angel Marco, wether we leave this life together or not I will remeber you and love you with all my soul in this life and in the next.....
Ok what am i talking about i sound like im dying tomarrow or something all dramatic! but theres some many things ive seen and things i didnt want to see, but thats life I know i'll probably see alot more things i dont want to, and im not writing for people to feel sorry for me but for people to see that theyre not alone in the way they feel, we all go through it some more than others and wether im sad at this moment in my life, i have hope that things will get better for me and for everybody else out there like me, so hold on and be strong and take life one day at a time because thats all we can do, And dont think that I never had good times in my life because I of course have had the most memorable funnest times ever with th epeople that i love, but the bad things just seem to stick more. I just wish sometimes I could be a whole new me and one day hopefully i will....
Monday, November 08, 2004
I had another wierd dream last night actually I had three! I remember every little detail actually theres too much detail to go into but its wierd for a while I wasnt dreaming, and than i started having these really wierd vivid dreams lately I swear I feal like I was even sleep walking I cant even distinguish between reality and the dread world anymore. Im hallucinating I think if I dont talk to somebody or see someone soon Im going to lose it! ive been trying to get an appt. with this Psychiatrist but noone will call me back. I dont one day im fine the next I want my life to be over why do I feel like this? What is wrong with me? im like on an emotional rollercoaster!! Well other than my crazy emotions, things are ok thats why I dont understand these feeling that I have, ok so anyways Halloween was good we went down Beto's house to visit him for a few days in L.A. we went to the Queen Mary they had a haunted house inside it was the coolest thing i have ever seen I mean it was real! like some Freddy Kruger shit! We were all hella scared! I screamed like I have never screamed before Beto dug his nails into me like he was going to scratch my eyes out! Mark yelled like I have never seen him yell before it was the funniest thing ever! I love it! like a real horror movie! Well we pretty much hanged out all weekend, talked I really miss him alot, I know he misses me too! Its cool because we can just be anywhere and have fun! Sunday, Halloween we went down town L.A. they had it all closed off everyone dressed up it was neet alot of cool costumes alot of people bashing George Bush our new idiot president! dumb American hick people voting for a dumb ass man! but anyways it was really cool accept there was alot alot! of people we got scared at a point we were like lets get outta here you know theres always gotts be some idiots being stupid hitting and pushing everyone! Well I just he was closer to us!
Saturday was Joaquins birthday (Marks cousin)we had fun of course I got drunik I promised this would be my last time before I get pregnant yeh me pregnant to tell you the truth I might allready be! for the first time im happy! I actually am ready, ok but thats another story! I dont know when I drink like I said many times before I become the person I want to be I could probably see outside myself how I look like a drunk! Every body probably thinks im fucking crazy! and I probably get on there nerves I never even really thought about it until now its like once I start Im buzzing and the next thing I know im fucked up and telling everybody I Love them I mean Everyone! I am uncontrollable! Mark says that when I drink I want everyone to party hard like I do like I see just anyone sitting down and I want them to have a good time like me! Im too friendly, too wild but O cant help it I want everyone to have fun! I am a big peer pressurer I always make my friends do things they dont want to do and I swore I wouldnt do that anymore but you know how that goes!! well all I know is that I had fun and thats all that matters!
So my cousin Nikki shes been working on this poem book her and her friends and she put some of my art work in it its so neet she wrote some cool poems and dedicated it too us I wanted to cry! i think its really beutiful! The books called Midnight Dance! Well ive been wanting to write a little more about myself but I havent had the chance I swear I will someday before I go so everyone can know the real me ok time to go Monster House is on....
Saturday was Joaquins birthday (Marks cousin)we had fun of course I got drunik I promised this would be my last time before I get pregnant yeh me pregnant to tell you the truth I might allready be! for the first time im happy! I actually am ready, ok but thats another story! I dont know when I drink like I said many times before I become the person I want to be I could probably see outside myself how I look like a drunk! Every body probably thinks im fucking crazy! and I probably get on there nerves I never even really thought about it until now its like once I start Im buzzing and the next thing I know im fucked up and telling everybody I Love them I mean Everyone! I am uncontrollable! Mark says that when I drink I want everyone to party hard like I do like I see just anyone sitting down and I want them to have a good time like me! Im too friendly, too wild but O cant help it I want everyone to have fun! I am a big peer pressurer I always make my friends do things they dont want to do and I swore I wouldnt do that anymore but you know how that goes!! well all I know is that I had fun and thats all that matters!
So my cousin Nikki shes been working on this poem book her and her friends and she put some of my art work in it its so neet she wrote some cool poems and dedicated it too us I wanted to cry! i think its really beutiful! The books called Midnight Dance! Well ive been wanting to write a little more about myself but I havent had the chance I swear I will someday before I go so everyone can know the real me ok time to go Monster House is on....
Friday, November 05, 2004
I had this very wierd experience this morning, I had an out of body experience! It was so wierd my cousin called me this morning about 11:00 and I talked to her for a few minutes and after I got off of the phone I said to myself Ill get up in a few minutes the next thing I new it was 2:00 all that time, I can remember looking at myself out of my body in my room sleeping and telling myself to wake up, but I couldnt!!! and during this time I was leaving my bedroom going somewhere else, I was in a mall parking lot and I can see this little girl getting in a back seat of a car waiving at me goodbye. The next thing I saw was this older lady she was having a party at her house she looked rich because her house was huge, like an old colonial style house her and her friends were outside drinking by the pool shes kept looking at what looked like the gardner, she ended up going inside with this man, and being with him! I kept having all these flashes of peoples faces, people I dont know, the next thing I was back in my room over my body again saying WAKE UP!!! but I couldnt like as if I was in a coma or something, and than I thought I heard my husband as if I was hallucinating, I can hear him trying to get in the room. And than I woke up! Ive had this experince before but nothing like this! I feel like im losing my mind, I got out of bed and I said to myself I have to take a shower so I got in the shower and I still felt like I couldnt wake up! I feel like im going crazy what is wrong with me?
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