July 13, 2004
Well it’s been about 9 months since I last blacked out! It’s weird how I just saw that movie “The Butterfly Effect” and how the same thing in the movie happens, & than it happens to me, and at the worst possible time, while I was swimming in the pool, i just Thank God Mark was there with me because I probably would’ve drowned! I know now I need to be careful, im even scared and I usually don’t care. I know when it’s going to happen because I get this sense of like a De Ja Vu I felt it coming so I yelled out to him to help me out but it was too late, I passed out on the steps! it was strange though usually when it happens I totally black out not remembering anything, but I think because I was in water It helped me to be conscious, still I felt like I was in a daze, I couldn’t move, like my body went numb! I feel so bad I know I scared the crap outta Mark I can hear him yelling at me calling my name but I couldn’t respond! Im ok though. Well right before it happened I was telling him about how I was stressing at work & feeling tired because I haven’t been sleeping good, and that’s probably why it happened. I tried to explain to him that material things are not what make me happy, I have everything I could possibly want but I still feel empty.

The other day were at Tower Records and I was looking at Kurt Cobains diary, so I thought about it and I know im not famous or anything, but I was telling him how I should look into publishing my journals, I would call it “My Diary” “Inside the mind of a manic depressive” I’ve been writing for years & in here for a little over a year & I guess these blogs are becoming pretty popular, I sometimes read other peoples, I just wonder if anyone read mines, and what do they think of me? Do they think im crazy or do they relate? I know there’s got to be someone out there that can relate to me, I saw it on an infomercial one night when I couldn’t sleep, so I know im not the only one. I always said to myself I wish I could just step outside of myself and see me the way everyone else does. What would I really look like? I try to make myself be a better person, when I was with my ex he made this person I hated! And now that were not together, I don’t want to be that person I used to be! I was listening to the radio the other day, and they were talking about how these young girls are cutting themselves (scarification) and i used to do that when I was there age, I thought I was the only one who did that shit! I guess I wasn’t the only one who went through it and had those feelings; I don’t want to feel this way forever! So I try to make myself be more happy by being more social, or funny, or friendly or whatever but Mark will tell me im too shy, and that people see my attitude and it makes me feel like they don’t like me, his family for example! and that makes me feel shitty because I want people to like me, I don’t want to be that introverted person that no one likes again! I don’t think I am! I think ive come along way; Its just hard trying to be someone different on the outside than what your really feeling on the inside, no one knows the real me! It’s like a clown costume I put on everyday, trying to make everyone laugh and smile, but really on the inside I feel like im slowly dying! Well ive been trying to get my husband to read all my journals for the longest so that he really knows how I feel and for some reason he don’t want to, I feel like not even my own husband knows me, I don’t know what his reasons are, maybe he’s scared to know, sometime I feel like he thinks im making it all up and im being a big ole drama queen & I do want him to think that of me because its not true! These feeling I have are real no matter what I do or try to get rid of them I can’t. I keep telling myself I know I need help, but I cant get myself to do anything about it, in some way I think writing makes me feel better, I want other to people to know that they’re not the only ones going through it, and if I can help them or we can help each other, I would love that, but than again I am no one! And who would want to know or read about me, I guess life Is all about having hopes & dreams, I guess that’s what keeps us going, maybe mines will come true someday!......and everything will be all right!

July 8, 2004 Another rough night! I swear I don’t know how much more I can take of this I have such an awful time sleeping, sometimes I sleep good and most of the time I toss and turn all night, like last night. I don’t know what to do ive been taking this medicine that’s been helping from the doctor but last night I took it and it still couldn’t sleep! I just feel like im getting sleep deprivation and im going to lose it one of these days, everyday gets harder and harder…
Well besides that things are ok, me & Mark went and bought a movie last night the one with Ashton Kutcher, “The butterfly affect” it was pretty good, strange, and somewhat very coincidental, I know I shouldn’t take these movies so literal but this was so weird that I started to cry, it made me really think about my life and why im here. I always had this thing were I felt like I was on this earth for a reason, I had this dream along time ago were I was outside looking up at the sky and God came to me and said that I was supposed to fulfill some sort of deed for him I can remember seeing him and everything, but in my dream I couldn’t figure out what it was he wanted me to do, and I still feel like that I cant figure out why im here….my aunt she does numerology you know like a psychic, and well one day we were at her house and she was telling us how she new when her brother was going to die and all this stuff, and she telling me how some people aren’t meant to be on this earth, she gave me this strange look, & I got this very eerie feeling, like she was talking to me. Since both of my parents are mentally disabled my mother wasn’t actually supposed to have kids, & so I guess you can say I was sort of a miracle baby. Just like I the movie he went to a psychic and she told him the exact thing. Well the movie is about a guy who has these blackouts, he can’t remember anything when it happens, so he reads these journals that he’s been writing in for years (like I have) & he starts remembering what happened when he blacked out, so he tries to go back in time and fix everything, but every time he goes back in time he ends up messing up things even worse. The coincidences in the movie were to weird, he was molested when he was a kid, I have blackouts, I think im not meant to be here, I feel like these little things keep popping in my everyday life, whether in dreams or in movies or whatever, but they seem like there all signs trying to tell me something, the same thing with the whole Marilyn Monroe story. Call me crazy but I know im right and it scares me to death! And than as I was getting my clothes ready last night it hit me, I passed up my chance! My chance to make a difference, to change things. I had this dream the other night that my aunt had planned this trip to Africa and I was supposed to go and help out over there, but as they were leaving, I wasn’t ready, I made all kinds of excuses why not to go, I wasn’t packed, I didn’t take time off work, blah blah and I new that I had passed up my chance, and I feel like I really did pass it up. Do you ever have dreams that you know your dreaming, you can do anything want and it wont matter because you know it’s not real? Well when we were kids we were outside playing one day slip and slide we were ghetto south side kids so we made our own out of a tarp, you know put some water on it, and soap a there you go well, I remember running down it falling and hitting my head hella hard that I passed out, and its strange but ever since that day I feel like ive been dreaming, like I know this life isn’t real, almost like in my dreams, like I could do anything and it wont matter! I feel like im going to wake up one day and it’s still going to be that same day. When I was young I never saw myself living pass the age of 27 I don’t like to tell anyone but it’s just something ive always felt, I guess that’s why now that im 27 everything just seems weird and coincidental. Like all these signs keep coming up, and the whole thing with the numbers 1234, I keep seeing them everywhere ill happen to look at the clock and it’ll be 12:34, ill look up at a sign & it’ll be
461-1234, I’ll look on a piece of paper and its there! Mark says im looking for it but I don’t I swear! I don’t know life is scary! One day you can be here and the next your not. What would you do if you knew you were going to die on a certain day? Would you go out & let it happen? Or would you stay home & hide from death? I guess all our lives are all written in Gods hands and whatever happens, Happens…….

June 28, 04
So we finally moved to our new home at work, its ugly, its scary, and it stinks, and most of all I hate it! I miss our old place, it was nice, right by the water and especially where all my friends are at… oh well that’s life I guess. So im not good with change I’ll just have to get used to it. Well things are ok, besides all the drama at work, Saturday was Mark’s cousin Alex’s wedding it was ok, we didn’t go to the church but I heard it was all fucked up, and how his own sister kept creating drama, I guess because they were all were used to the other girlfriend, that they haven’t really given her a chance yet, I can see how it is when they don’t like the wife….well we went to the reception after and it was fun Sabrina & Joaquin were there, They are a trip, they out do us now! I really like them were both the same. I like hanging out with them, better than anyone else. She talks to me. She gets all crazy like I do. So we danced and drank and than I started to get tired, my medication started to kick in, I couldn’t even hang anymore, I was ready to pass out, so we ended up going home early.
Sunday his family came over and went swimming, it was cool, but sometimes I just like to chill at home by ourselves, I should have known better to get a pool, I don’t know I have mixed emotions about it now, I like it just for us to go swimming, but now everyone and there mama want to come over you know how that is.
Well yesterday I was home by myself while Mark went to play baseball, I was watching this special on Marilyn Monroe, you know how I LOVE her, well they were talking about her death how they have this theory on how they think she committed suicide, In my opinion I think she accidentally overdosed, I could see how that could have happened, well they were saying how she was severely depressed, she had anxiety problems was scared all the time, she had low self esteem, and insomnia, it was so weird, how much we had in common. Everything they said about her I I kept saying to myself, me too! They were saying how she had insomnia and how she couldn’t sleep at night because she had bad anxiety, and she would take hella medication to help her sleep, and then in the morning, she would take shit to help her wake up, well who does that sound like? And as I was listening to everything they were saying about her, and how much of a coincidence everything was between her and I, I started to get a little scared and I thought to myself, is that what is going to become of me? I do the exact same thing she did. But I never thought of myself as a drug addict, I guess I can’t admit it to myself, and I can’t stop! It’s an addiction that I don’t think ill ever get over, and it scares me! Sometimes I feel just the same as she did, like life totally sucks and I don’t care if I live or die! Everyday is a struggle for me! But I guess as bad as I think things are I can say im not as weak as her, as much as I hate everything sometimes I still try and go on... I think if I didn’t have Mark I would probably lose my mind. He’s what keeps me going and I think for her, she was just very lonely…and that’s probably why she was so depressed. Its hard people don’t understand what its like for us, and I don’t think they ever will……

June 24, 2004
Today is my last day here at work, were moving tomorrow to our new shitty ass, crack whore, disease infested home by the train racks, yep my job was to fucken cheap to pay our rent here after being here for almost 20 years, so now they’re like were just going to have move you all to a little corner whole in the wall in shit land! This so sucks big time! I don’t want to move I like it here, I have my friends here, no more George and Karla, im sooo sad! And yeh even no more Andy! Its going to be so weird not seeing them everyday. I’m used to them, we’ve been together for almost 31/2 years, ive grown close to them, if it weren’t for me, George would have never came out of the closet or in his case we wouldn’t have thrown him out! And Karla I made a good friend, even though she’s flaky and goofy! She was the only one who befriended me in the beginning; we clicked like we had known each other forever. So now im forced to hang out with Michelle when she decides to come to work. I like her don’t get me wrong but its not going to be the same. Things will be weird. And of course no more Joel by boss! My savior! He guided me into the light haha! But he did, he taught me a lot! Even though we didn’t agree on lot of things. It sucks that he’s not going with us, hes the one that brought intake to life and showed me everything. Now we have some new lady who thinks her shit don’t smell like booboo, she thinks Intake is gong to be a piece of cake, but little does she know that it’s a whole cake and than some. So today is sad, lunch time was weird, we just sat there like we didn’t know what to say to each other, it was awkward, but I know they’re going to miss me, just like I’ll miss them.
Well I had my first client yesterday im finally a caseworker which means I have to keep my own cases now. It’s difficult but not unbearable. I swear sometimes I feel like Tye in Clueless im like huh?????? Im just glad my friend went with me yesterday or else I would’ve been screwed, and lost! But we’ll see how it goes before I start looking for another job…. Well im almost over dosed yesterday no kidding ive been taking some medication I got off the internet, sleeping medicine because I have insomnia!!! I thought Id try it, its been all over the TV. So it works! The only thing that actually works for me, and ive tried everything, believe me, Vicodin, Tylenol PM, stuff!!!... and so I was reading the label on the side effects, and it said all this shit like blurred vision, sleepiness, blah blah and than it said if you overdose you might not wake up im like ok. So I took one last night and I swear I think I was over dosing, I took it with something else which I shouldn’t have done and I swear I couldn’t even stand up I was falling all over the place. I was seeing 3 of everything, I was trippin big time and than I passed out! Scary! so no more taking it with other stuff, I don’t learn im surprised I haven’t killed myself yet, I know I say it like nothing, I love life but I got issues! I swear my body is so messed up, I need shit to keep me up and go to sleep. What am I going to do? whelp I have so much to do still its not even funny were moving and I refuse to leave so I haven t even packed up all my shit, sooooo until next time I better get back to work…..

June 15, 2004 Happy Anniversary! It’s been 3 years already shit I swear time flew by hella fast! It’s been cool though I still love him more than I ever have! Marriage life is good, he treats me good, loves me! Helps me out, I know he’s not perfect nor am I, and it is hard sometimes we argue, he acts like a kid most of the time and that gets me mad, but I guess that’s why I fell in love with him. Because he makes me laugh. I can’t imagine myself with any other person. But no one said marriage is easy yeh we have our fights and he gets on my nerves but hey life isn’t perfect right? We love each other and that’s all that matters. So I suck at buying gifts, I couldn’t figure out what the hell to buy him so he had mentioned a tattoo gift certificate and so that we he got little did I get the hint that it was a joke so now he has to get one, I think he’s just really scared to get one and don’t want to admit it. See that’s how you know someone loves you when they do things they really don’t want to do! Well he hasn’t gotten it yet but hes still trying to come up with ideas. Well my husband is goofy, he got me a pix that said “id marry you again” I guess it’s the thought that counts which I really don’t care, I didn’t want anything anyway. So I forgot to mention we went to see Madonna he bought me tickets for my birthday! That was cool on our anniversary we saw her how cool is that? It was fun a bunch of gay guys of course! Her show was cool not as a big stage show as usual, more singing and dancing I likeded it haha! She sang a lot of her old songs remixed it was cool! I was afraid our seats were going to suck but they actually weren’t too bad we were closer than last time. Well that Friday after we played hooky and went to Santa Cruz with his friend Pete from work I was like great we have to celebrate our anniversary with his obnoxious friend but it actually wasn’t that bad we didn’t hang out with them the whole time! So it was ok, Santa Cruz although isn’t as fun as it used to be, its more like the fair! But it was cool to just get away. Well things are cool not much going on, im feeling better sometimes Tuesdays still suck! I just cannot get used to him being gone like today ill be by myself again I wish he would stop going but he supposingly likes it. As for me I wont sleep all night wich really sucks cuz than I have to come 6to work feeling like shit on Wednesday. Well I got this medication on the internet Ambien its to help me sleep, and it really works shit in a half hour im about to pass out. So we’ll see tonight. Well we move pretty soon here at work and that’s going to suck big time! I so don’t want to!! They’re moving us to some funky ass ghetto place when everyone else gets to stay in luxury and im leaving my friends behind I wouldn’t mind so much if they were going but now I gotta hang out with Michelle, Nisha and Summer not that it’s a bad thing, I like them a lot but im going to miss George and Karla they’re my homies! Karla took me in as a friend from the beginning, more than Elva did! It was weird some people you just click with and we just happened to click! I think because were both goofy in a weird way, and George we clicked because I was the first to throw his ass outta the closet haha! So yeh its sucks! Its going to be weird going to work everyday in a new place without them! I hate change! It really sucks! Well this weekend Yesenia is coming down, she hasn’t saw our house yet so I need to go clean and Gabe’s wedding is this Saturday so that’ll be interesting I haven’t heard anything about it, so im wondering how its going to be? I don’t know who coming out in it ? or anything oh well! So Sunday Yesi wants to have a bar-b-que at our house and go swimming its cool, it just now which I new was goin to happen! Everyone wants to come over all the time, of course to go swimming! I swear I have to not answer the phone sometimes on the weekend im like “im not here”!! it’s a hassle im kinda wishing we didn’t get one now! Sometimes I just want to stay at home and not have people over, but everybody’s always calling! Im surprised actually his brother doesn’t come over that much which we all know the reason for that! Oh well allrighty I guess I better do some work im a caseworker now can you believe that and I got a raise its better than before but not great!