February 24, 04
Gosh so much going on, I don’t know where to start again, Im so mad because I had wrote a whole thing yesterday but my stupid computer froze and I lost it, so here I am again. Well lets see we haven’t really been going out much, were trying to save money because well as you know we’ve been looking for a house, Sunday we went to go see this one that was barely listed and we liked it so today were actually going to go put an offer on it later, its cute the lady whose selling it is really old so I don’t think she knows just how much she actually could be selling it for, its 252k really under priced we’ve been looking at 280k, 290k for a fairly big house, so I think this is a good deal and it had everything that I want, so were going to do it and I thought maybe we can even fix it up a little and sell it later for more and have more money to put down on my dream house, well that’s my goal in life to have my dream house since ill never move or be famous! So well see how it goes later. Anyways this weekend we didn’t do much we rented this movie on Saturday I watched it while Mark slept of course, it was called “Thirteen” it was about these 2 young girls 13 years old getting into trouble, drugs, sex, lying you know….and as I watched this movie I started to cry, I saw myself as if it were my story everything she did, I did too! I see them and they look so young like children and im thinking shit I was the exact same age, when your young things seem so different you feel so invincible like nothing can happen to you! And so I started to fell sick like I was going to pass out, I felt young again, like I had went back in time, crazy huh! It was strange as If I can feel the same feelings I did back than. Life is scary sometimes you make mistakes, do stupid things but were all not perfect! So we learn! Its funny I kinda feel like the parent now I can now imagine all the shit I put my grandparents through and I feel so bad! I don’t know if I can be a mom it’s so hard! Well with all my family drama now I feel like a mom! Well heres the story 1st of all my whole family are alcoholics, and yes even my 83 year old sweat grandma, so my 30 year old cousin has been staying at there house free loading, taking advantage of them and my grandma is old she’s the old fashion lady that does everything cooks 3 meal a day cleans constantly you know so she’s older and tired of doing all this shit for him he’s 30 years old lazy doesn’t work, gets a check every month from a social worker because ok I feel bad for him because yes he was in foster homes all his life, no he didn’t have a regular family but hey I didn’t eighther. I know a lot of people that had a hard life but that’s no excuse he stays there has like 5 kids from different girls, is lazy, he steals! And my grandpa believes every lie he tells him. So I guess my grandma got upset went out and got a bottle and got drunk fell on her face because she cant see, is all bruised up, I feel so bad she started crying to me because she feels so depressed! I tell her all the time ill take her in, but she wont listen, I feel like the parent now telling her not to do these things. I love her to death and don’t want to se anything happen to her of course! So supposingly he’s gone now, but if I know him it won’t be long. I just feel so bad like I want to do more for them now give them things back, take care of them, there my life I can’t imagine life without them it scares me everyday knowing that they wont be around forever, almost makes me want to go before them. Well hopefully things will be ok. If its not one thing its another.
So now that were getting our 2nd house I know well start feeling the weirdness from everyone im already feeling it from his brother we when people try to do good for themselves there’s always people that will try to put you down like George Lopes says now “now you think your chingon” haha but its true nobody can be happy for people that are going good even I do it sometimes, but this time I don’t care im going to do it for myself and my family, fuck everyone else! When we first moved into our house no one came and helped us me Mark did everything ourselves and im sure it’ll be the same way again, we’ll see I guess. So that’s my drama…….
February 26, 04
Well as you already know we’ve been looking for a house we saw one on Sunday that we liked but there were 3 other houses that we wanted to see before we decided on doing anything, the first one which ive been wanting to see is on Yale just on the other side of the victory park, beautiful house I fell in love with it but its only 2 bedrooms, it has a formal dining room 2 bathrooms which was my main concern, and it has a family room and a yard, I figured I might as well buy something I really love instead of buying something cheap, well last night Nancy came over and we put a bid on it, so well find out on Friday what the deal is, im praying because I really love it!
Well besides all that we went to dinner for Feds birthday on Tuesday and I finally found out what the drama was with uncle Gabe, so see my uncle a unfit father whose never been there for his kids, he was an alcoholic for years, been married to 3 woman, I swear he used to live with us and he would lie to my grandparents using me as an excuse saying that I wanted to go the video store and he would leave me there for hours and go to the bar. Well so he’s married to his 3rd wife im happy for him because he don’t drink anymore, and is finally do good but I found out that him and his wife are trippin because there not getting my moms house too, everybody already knows that my grandparents are giving him there house which we don’t care fine do that, but he’s trying to say he put a lot of work into the house and it should belong to him, Whatever! First of all there my parents we do everything for them were the only ones that visit them take them to the store when they want to go, take them to cash there checks! We do it all and I want the house so we can take of them not for the money! But because I know im going to have to do it all anyways! So his wife was tripping saying we have our own house already, and why doesn’t my grandma like her and blah blah! They just need to stay out of it. It just pisses me off that they expect all this but they don’t care about them right now, they never visit them like we do and I do it because I love the to death because my time with them is precious to me. So that’s my drama we just never win and im scared if we do get that house that there will be nothing but haters! I feel it already, oh well I just need to do what’s right for e and my family everyone else fuck em!
March 4, 2004
Let’s get straight to the point “WE GOT A HOUSE”! well this is a new one, see we were having to much trouble with the other one they wanted they wanted more money which was fine, but than they were giving the other people 5 more days and than 3 more it seemed fishy, like they were in there favor, so we saw this house in January it was 3bed 2 bath, with a built in pool and a hacuzzi but at that time we didn’t want that and it seemed expensive, but as we’ve been looking we figured out that that’s how much we were going to have to spend and the other house was asking 275,500 so we said fuck it for a few more dollars we can get it, so I went and saw it Tuesday, it has the 3 bedrooms that we originally wanted , and hey with all that it has we wont have to go nowhere for a while, so I put a bid on it and they accepted it yeh! I’m excited but, I didn’t want to get my hopes up and than it end up like the other one, but they accepted our offer and so its ours, it hasn’t sunk in yet its almost unreal! I have so many things I need to do before we move, I first of all have to find a renter, pack blah blah and than were leaving on vacation next Thursday to Florida, gosh I know this month is going to fly…. im excited and I want to call everyone and tell them, but because of the way they acted when we got our first house, and have been acting weird! I don’t want to sound like im bragging they already have issues with us, so I figured im not going to tell anyone yet, it sucks but hey. I just want to do good for me and my family, but theres always people trying to put you down, I try and tell them to buy a house but they don’t get it, oh well I don’t care. I just feel like since im going to be stuck in this hell hole called Stockton, this is the only way ill ever be able to do something with my life, and hey I never thought id have what I have now. My dream in life now since ill never be in Playboy or never be rich or famous I guess this is the only way ill be able to make money. Allrighty well see what happens so until than….
March 10, 2004
So today is my last day at work ive finished everything I had to before I go, so im just sitting here bored ready to leave. After work we are going to go see the house again and fill out whatever paper work needs to be done. I’m excited it hadn’t hit me until now its weird, scary, but I think im ready. We started to pack little things away like stuff in our living room, it looks so weird to men its almost sad I guess im going to miss my little house we got so used to it. But its time for a new adventure, it’ll be a lot of work, decorating and stuff but im excited it’ll be a challenge. And I know it’ll all be worth it in the end, Im just thinking oh God now people are going to bug us like crazy, his brother my cousins, and friends will want to come over all the time now. I don’t mind but sometimes its cool to have a little piece and quite. Like this weekend Leslie and Nicole came over and I don’t mind hanging out with them and all but they are on one and they talk talk talk and im like ok im tired I just can’t do it anymore I can’t sleep as it is! It’s a trip though we were talking and I never new how the same me and Nikki are, we suffer the same how we struggle everyday, its weird I cant explain it, but life Is hard for me the little things people do, and don’t think anything of is like hard for us, just emotional! Everyday things in life we struggle a little harder, we were trying to explain it to Les but people like her cant comprehend people like us, there stronger than we are, they don’t understand that things are difficult for us, like she thinks its easy to brush away scared feelings or sad feelings, but for us we can do it for a while but it always comes back! Just like Mark can’t understand how I feel were weaker than most people, but yet stronger sometimes. Just imagine a feeling that your very afraid of, or a very emotional time that you went through that’s how we feel on a daily bases. Well we leave tomorrow to LA and than Friday we fly out to Florida im excited I know were going to have fun im just fricken scared as hell to fly im traumatized big time! I hate it! Michelle gave me some valium so I hopefully will be ok, ill just sleep the whole way I don’t even want to think about it! So I guess this is it, hopefully ill make it back home, and by the way I kept seeing 1234 today more than usual is that a sign?
March 23, 2004
Today I feel like shit! I just came back from vacation and I cant seem to get into the hang of things im forgetting what im supposed to say, its taking me forever to do just one thing, my body feels exhausted and its only going to get worse, im not going to have any time to rest, my vacation was cool we went to Disney World, Universal Studios, and Bush gardens. I just wasn’t physically prepared for that kind of vacation next time were going somewhere, we can just lounge all day, and do shit, but it wasn’t all that bad just a lot of walking! A lot! I swear I hadn’t gotten that much exercise in a long time, and so that’s when I figured out that I was getting old! Before we would be cool, wed go and be out all day long! but fuck I swear by the end of the day all I wanted to do Is sleep! My feet were killing me im like I need some fucking S.A.S like the old women wear. I cant hang like I used too! It kinda scares me! Is this what its like to be old? Your body starts to hurt in places you never thought about. Im like shit I need a vacation from my vacation. Well we had fun though I just can’t believe how big Disney World is, its no wonder its called world! Its fricken huge! Supposingly it’s the size of San Francisco I can see why it’s a whole world within itself! Florida is nice cheap! But the weather is weird! It rained Monday & Tuesday its weird though its like 80 degrees and hot but ugly as hell outside! But the rest of the time it was nice we did so much saw so much they have like 5 theme parks within the place so we did something different everyday! It was cool we went out a few times but I was like too tired to even want to do anything! They have a place called Pleasure Island they have like 8 clubs there they had this one gay club called Mannequins it was a bad ass club! Cool lights the whole dance floor moved in a circle it was cool I was telling everybody I was from San Francisco they were all excited they were like oh I wanna move there! “im like yeh these clubs aint got nothing on SF” it was fun the clubs close at 2:00 so we didn’t party that much. Over all it was cool I don’t know maybe its just me but I start to feel so bad when im around Beto I cant help wondering if he blames me still I still have this guilt that I feel, and I cant feeling like his man hates me like he blames us too! I don’t know, it feels awful still im so traumatized I don’t even have any desire to do anything anymore! Well as for the plane ride it was allright it was about 4 hours& 45 minutes it was long but it went by pretty fast, Michelle gave me some stuff to take I don’t even know what the hell it was but it knocked me out! So It did the trick, I was fine on the way over there we even went out after, but on the way back I felt weird like I was hallucinating or something like I close my eyes and I still see as clear as if my eyes are open but I can see like another place like im somewhere else, it was strange anyways. Im back to work vacation is long gone and I have so much to do the only bad thing about going on vacation I have to come back to hella shit! No one does shit for me and now get this H.S.A the company that funds us is not going to anymore so they wanna make everyone TA’s even me! And im like wait a minute im already at the bottom of the chain, they already gave me a promotion with no pay and now they want to do it again with more work and again no pay im just so irritated yeh we have good vacation and shit but hell they keep giving me all this work and no more money im like pissed and they want to do it again! I hate this place! I applied for a job at Delta College but I got a letter saying they weren’t going to interview me! Fuck well I applied for 2 positions so hopefully ill hear something soon, its doing the same shit but 3 times more than what I make here! I don’t feel like doing shit and I have so much to do! Well 2 more weeks until we move, we’ve been packing things im excited it’ll be a cool summer; I just don’t want to think about everybody coming over and bugging the shit out of me! Oh well I guess that’s the price im going to have to pay to having a pool….
March 25, 04
Why does work have to be so tedious? Same shit over and over I can never just take a fricken break I don’t know I cant see myself here much longer, but what the hell else am I going to do with my life? School? I don’t know im going loco esay! Well last night I went to Uncle Joe’s dads rosary, I grew up with his family so I consider them family, it was sad I swear ive been to one funeral right after another this year! What’s going on? Everyone is dying on me, I guess im just getting older and everyone around me is too… its kinda scary when you think about it pretty soon everyone I love will be gone! And of course I can’t help think of my grandparents I know that ill be in there position one day and it scares me! I can’t imagine life without them! Life is scary one day you’re here and the next your long gone… and you cant do anything about it. Well it got me thinking about my life, see the one thing I love about there family is that they’re so close everyone stays in touch, and my family everyone just does there own thing I know everyone has there own family’s to worry about but to me my grandparents are the world to me I try to spend as much time with them as I can because I know there getting old. But everyone else just seems to take them for granted. I know I say I don’t want kids and im scared as hell! But I don’t want to die lonely with no family around! I guess maybe its time to seriously start thinking about it. Yes im scared and I don’t know shit about kids, hell ive never even changed a diaper before but I suppose ill learn, I just get this feeling sometimes from Mark that he thinks im going to be a bad mother and that’s why he doesn’t want to have kids with me. And it makes me feel bad, I know im not all great or whatever but im going to try, I want to be the mother I never had. I want to teach my child about life and philosophy and teach them not to judge people on what they see. But hey I guess well just see what happens and let life take me wherever it wants…..
April 13, 2004
Sometimes in life we take on too much, not realizing how things can effect us mentally and physically, well I have a little insomnia problem first of all, whether it be because of drugs I did before or just because im paranoid! And well it never seemed to be a problem I got used to not sleeping, but with everything going on in my life right I think not sleeping pushed me over the edge not just that, but with the whole new house and moving & everything! I think I was just trying to do too much, and yesterday I fell apart big time! And that’s not me to do it especially at work, I don’t want people to know that im week, or see the real me! But I couldn’t take it! I’ve been doing everything! Mark helps but just lately ive been feeling overwhelmed with everything! I didn’t come to work last Thurs. & Friday so that I can move & I come back to work and nothings done! I guess that’s just were I lost it, I swear I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown I scared myself! I hadn’t felt that bad in a long time! I don’t know what’s wrong with I just feel emotionally drained, I feel like I have everything I could possibly want, a new house, a pool, a Jacuzzi, money, etc. but I still feel like something’s missing, like all the material things in this world still don’t make me happy I feel empty. So yesterday I had this talk with my supervisor and I think I mentioned him before, the person that’s made an impact on my life, well just the way he looks at life so so…I cant even explain, so yeh he’s all into religion, and I believe in a higher power and im not turning all Tammy Faye Baker but as crazy as it may seem maybe just maybe that’s what im lacking, spiritual guidance whether its all mentally or whatever I feel like I keep making the same mistakes in life over & over, and well ever since the whole Beto incident I feel like he’s been trying to reach me, but I keep pushing him away I know I sound crazy but its true. I think there comes a time in our lives when we get older and don’t need to do the things in life we did when we were young! I don’t get that craving for drugs or going out anymore, and I thought it would never come down to this and no im not becoming a Mormon! I still love the occasional beer or 2 or 5 haha, but I feel like maybe its time to settle down and start A family, my life is flying by so fast I can’t mentally keep up! Maybe its time I start to do better things with my life. I get so scared sometimes that im just going to lose it and everyday is a struggle for me and as I tried to tell my cousin Leslie people like her cant possibly understand a person like me, shes strong and thinks well why cant you just brush it off, and if it were that easy I would but I struggle with life everyday, every second! Its hard being me! I wish I could be like Joel or Mark or her! But im not the littlest things are hard for me, driving to work, working, shopping, sleeping, and facing the day! I just want to be happy!, and when Mark came into my life I felt like that piece of me that was missing for so long was finally there, and its not him, I thank God everyday for him he is truly my angel! But it’s me! I hope he understands that I hate having to put him through this I love him to death & don’t want to hurt him. Well I actually feel a lot better today I prayed last night to please have courage and let me sleep I was scared yesterday the first time by myself, with no TV im used to watching TV to go back to sleep, so I starting hearing things and it was awful but last night I slept really well, thank you Jesus I needed it so bad just one night of rest. And I feel a lot better today! I feel energized! Well ok enough of my sad story ill get by, well my house is cool we pretty much moved everything this past weekend, I still want to paint you know me I cant stand white walls but other than that I like my house, I still need to get used to it though it kinda feels like im in someone else’s house, but I love the pool we went swimming on Saturday and Sunday I didn’t even want to get out! I think im the little mermaid, haha Well allrighty I better get back to work ill be ok….ill keep telling myself!
April 16, 04
Things are going ok ive been feeling a lot better lately, well Monday I had my drama and so me and my boss were talking and hes been trying to get me into his little cult as I say, but this time I finally opened up my eyes and listened and he prayed for me and ive been doing good. Maybe that’s what I needed; I finally get it now I guess im finally growing up! Im an adult! Scary huh! But ive come to realize that there’s more to life than material things, yeh im trying to do good for my future and all but I know there’s more to my than that, I know that im for a reason I don’t what it is yet, and im trying to figure it out, and I know eventually I will! I know god put us all on this earth for a reason, I have so many questions and no answers! Im trying to just get by everyday! Its hard I have so many responsibilities now, and I just found out im going to have even more, well when I was in Florida I went and saw a psychic and she told me that I was going to have trouble with a male family member and that someone was going to give me something, well my grandma told me yesterday that she’s giving us my mom house and I’ve been trying to tell them that I only want to do what’s right for my parents see my mom and dad are both mentally disabled I mean there not dumb they know things but they cant manage money, and do those kinds of things for themselves, it was hard for me growing up with parents like them and that’s a whole different story but the point is if something ever happens to my grandparents Im the one that has to take care of them which is no big deal because I do it already when they need to go to the store or anything I do it, not my aunt, or uncle, hell they don’t even visit them, so I know there’s going to be big drama, this Sunday there all coming to my house to talk about, and my uncle and his dumb wife are greedy and being stupid! They want it all and it’s not my fault they fucked up with there lives and ive done good for myself. I just want to do what is right for them and he doesn’t see it that way. Hell they don’t even realize how hard it is for me, they see money. And its not about that. Well whatever I don’t care we’ll see what happens. So as I was saying my spiritual voyage has actually been making me feel better, Ive been sleeping better, feeling better, im trying hard to work on my self esteem but its hard Im realizing the reason why I want to be somebody is because I want to feel good about myself, and that’s the only way I think that will make me feel that way, which I know now is stupid! My boss gave me this book to read, it’s about realizing what my purpose here is. And I keep coming back to the same thing, and its to help people, I don’t know how or what but that’s the only thing that makes me feel good! I feel so fortunate that I feel like I should share it with people. I know I be tripping but life all of a sudden means so much more to me.
May 3, 2004
Things have been good ive been actually feeling a lot better ever since ive been saved I know sounds crazy but hey it seems some spiritual guidance was what I needed. I’ve been feeling better about things. I was watching TV around 4:00 this morning when Mark went to work, I couldn’t fall back asleep, well they had this infomercial about people who feel the same like me, it was like some self healing tapes or something, it was weird though like they were talking to me, well they said they had anxiety problems same thing I go through like everyday is a struggle, and how there depressed and everything is hard for them like driving and stupid stuff, it was a trip I thought I was the only one who felt that way, but they feel the exact same way! We all said the same thing. It was really weird. Well my house is finally coming together, we painted this weekend it looks a whole lot better its not dingy white people white anymore! It’s actually starting to feel like my house now. It’ll be cool when its done I want to do too many things. Well besides all that Mark found a cyst the other day when he was taking a shower I wont say where but its not in a good spot, he’s scared because he had one when he was in high school I guess, and he’s afraid it came back and now im starting to freak out he’s like im dying, I have cancer, im like shut the hell up do you really want to leave me by myself shit Id die! I know God will make him ok, im not worried.
May 10, 2004
So I finally figured out what was up with Mark I guess because he’s turning 30 he’s going through this mid life crisis thing, he was acting like a butthead for like a whole week, which is not like him at all! And because of our little argument about me not doing enough, ok so it is some of my fault, but hey I grew up with a gold fork in my hand my grandma did everything for me, I never had to do shit and he new I didn’t know how to cook or whatever, but ok im sorry I guess I need to start doing more. Im a bad wife! and now I know why he gets scared when we talk about having a baby. I need to change I don’t want him to think that im a bad wife and regret anything I know he loves me, but I want to make him happy too. Relationships are hard! And we all need to work at them and realize what are faults are and admit it. So im going to try hard.
Well other than that things are cool I just hope he gets through this rut, its so weird how we all go through the same thing, like first it was me, when I had my breakdown, and than it was my friend here at work now she’s on stress leave and than it was my other friend she got pregnant had an abortion and her man is in jail, so I guess my problem wasn’t that bad, at least not as bad as there’s. Its weird how life brings all to the same point. Marks a strong person I know he’ll be ok. Me im a freakin scardy kat! And I’ll be ok for a while than I’ll go through it again.
Well Saturday we went to Sabrina’s birthday it was fun accept for the part were Mark left me for about an hour & I didn’t know were the hell he was, he’s lucky I was having fun getting drunk and smoking with his aunts. It was a trip because it was us, like his aunts and uncles in the living room drinking & dancing and then the younger crowd was outside, and then it hits me oh shit! Were no longer in the young crowd anymore we now part of the 25 and older crowd that has to listen to Santana & Malo! & hang out w/ the old vato locos! It was pretty funny! As you get older its funny how you start to notice changes all around you, you never noticed before, like well yesterday my aunt Irene calls me and tells me Fed’s mom is dying so we rush to the hospital to be there for him and all and I swear its like you get older and everybody starts to die! I swear ive been to more funerals in the past 2 years than in my whole life, we just got back from one like 2 weeks ago! Its getting scary I feel like soon ill be in there position and that scares the hell out of me! I hope they all will be ok, Fed was acting like nothing he just kept saying “its not her time yet”. I don’t know when your young you never think about shit like life and death, you think your invincible and that your never going to die, like before we used to get on a lot of roller coasters and rides and think nothing of it, now im like ok is this thing going to hold me? Is it going to stay on the track? I don’t know I feel older I feel more tired, I don’t have the energy I used to have. I guess we all go through it. I tried telling Mark for being 30 he sure has a lot, more than a lot of other people do and I am very grateful for that, and I know he is too.
May 19, 2004
Merry un-Birthday to me! Gosh how time flies I remember writing in here last birthday. I am so getting old I just noticed another wrinkle under my eye, I need botox! This birthday is extra bad for me, I turned 27! THE YEAR! I know I sound crazy but I have always seen this year as the year! SO its kinda scary I feel like I need to do things now, I don’t know we’ll just have to see what happens. So we had our first party in our new house it was Marks 30th birthday so we invited everyone over and it turned out cool everyone had a good time I hope, I know I did! And yes of course you know me I got drunk like usual Mark gets mad at me, he sez I act to crazy! When did he notice that? Ive always been crazy!!!!! But he got really mad this time, im not the one his cousin and his wife were just the same! But I know I do get out of control sometime I admit it! But hey its all in good fun! Even though I don’t remember everything, I remember falling on top of the fireplace outside! I burned my hand but It didn’t hurt than haha! Yeh he’s right I do get ooc! I need to calm myself. But it was fun, Beto came down my bro in law my friends from work, and some of his family, they liked our house. We worked so hard to get everything done before than we just got like the hallway to do, you know me I cant stand white walls! It’s just now I can relax and not worry about deadlines. Im getting used to my house now it feels more like im home now, even though I still cant get used to Mark leaving to LA I hate it I cant sleep when hes gone I get paranoid! I don’t know lately ive been feeling better emotionally that is, besides all the funerals we’ve been going to and I just found out my friends sisiter might have breast cancer I swear its like all this bad stuff is happening in the world! War! Its like why cant everybody just be happy why does there have to be so much pain and suffering in this world it gets to me seeing shit on the TV all the time. But besides all that ive just been feeling tired I feel physically drained I don’t sleep good, so im tired all the time I’ve tried taking everything from bad stuff!! To ephedra, red bull blah blah and nothing seem to work I swear I feel like im going to physically fall apart one day I don’t know how much I can take it. My friend went to see this herbal doctor hes Japanese he gave her all these herbal medications to take for energy and stuff, I want to go see him because I feel like im falling apart I have no energy to do anything anymore. Well allrighty gots to get back to work when I take time off its like hell coming back!!!!!!
June 4, 2004
So ive been on this new quest to find out who I am and why im here you know this whole religious quest, well ive been reading this book that my boss gave me, and so im reading it and im thinking to myself what happens if I don’t agree with what the bible says? Does this mean im going against God and im going to go to hell? See I have this philosophy about God I think God is a loving God, a forgiving God, a no limits God! Like a parent who loves you unconditionally! Im not perfect and even though ive been recently “saved” I know that im never going to be perfect ill probably live in sin for the rest of my life even though I love God with all my heart and would die for him. I know that ill never be sinless. See saved people, or really religious people think that if you’re not saved that your not going to heaven, and I don’t believe that for a second, im not really religious I grew up in a catholic family went to catholic school for almost 7 years, and I still don’t agree with what the catholic church says, but what I wonder is what about other people that aren’t religious? What about people that don’t even believe in God? What happens to them? I have all these questions and no answers, so I got into this conversation with my boss yesterday he’s really religious goes by everything that is written in the bible like its right and everybody that doesn’t believe is wrong! See, I see it like this, this “book” was written thousands and thousands of years ago by regular people who claim they heard the word of God and yeh I believe most of it because some of it is a scientifically proven, but things have changed from those days, its like people only want to go by only what applies to them. To me there all hypocrites! I think hes contradicting himself, like for example it says that were supposed to marry our cousins, do we do that now? No! why? because times have changed. And it also says that homosexuals are living in sin, and its ok for them to say that because it was written by some apostle that claims he heard God say that. Times have changed, of course it’s not “right” now a days to marry your cousin, you see what im getting at? In the big picture I strongly believe that as long as we live a righteous life, God will judge us accordingly! No matter who we are or how we choose to live our lives. I would hope that this is the God that I love with all my heart, I hope and strongly believe that he is forgiving and loves us no matter what, or why else would he have sent his son on earth to be persecuted for us? Because he knows were not perfect and will live in sin. It’s hard to make someone like him see things like I do. I think people like him are afraid! I think they need these guide lines or these so called rules of the bible, because there scared and need something to make them feel better about them self like there right and were all wrong! But they don’t see that you’re not supposed to take it so literally! I almost feel sorry for them like there missing out on a lot of things in life. Missing out on relationships with a lot of beautiful people, even if they are gay or whatever. I asked him “do you know anybody that is gay”? And he told me no, but he had acquaintances that were gay, see people like him that don’t know anybody, its hard for them to look past the fact that there gay, they see homosexuality as “sexually active, promiscuous people” like they stereotype them. Just the same way a racist person stereotypes blacks or Mexicans as only welfare receiving, stealing ghetto people, and were not all like that! There hypocrites to only live by what they think suites them, if your going to live exactly by what the bible says than do so! Marry your cousin, don’t have premarital sex, and don’t use birth control. How can you condemn something you know nothing about? What makes them so much better than anyone else? So what my last words to everyone is “God is love” we all believe in a higher power no matter if hes Mohammad or Buddha or what, if we all live a virtuous life and believe, God will judge us and none else should have the right to do so.
June 15, 2004
Happy Anniversary! It’s been 3 years already shit I swear time flew by hella fast! It’s been cool though I still love him more than I ever have! Marriage life is good, he treats me good, loves me! Helps me out, I know he’s not perfect nor am I, and it is hard sometimes we argue, he acts like a kid most of the time and that gets me mad, but I guess that’s why I fell in love with him. Because he makes me laugh. I can’t imagine myself with any other person. But no one said marriage is easy yeh we have our fights and he gets on my nerves but hey life isn’t perfect right? We love each other and that’s all that matters. So I suck at buying gifts, I couldn’t figure out what the hell to buy him so he had mentioned a tattoo gift certificate and so that we he got little did I get the hint that it was a joke so now he has to get one, I think he’s just really scared to get one and don’t want to admit it. See that’s how you know someone loves you when they do things they really don’t want to do! Well he hasn’t gotten it yet but hes still trying to come up with ideas. Well my husband is goofy, he got me a pix that said “id marry you again” I guess it’s the thought that counts which I really don’t care, I didn’t want anything anyway. So I forgot to mention we went to see Madonna he bought me tickets for my birthday! That was cool on our anniversary we saw her how cool is that? It was fun a bunch of gay guys of course! Her show was cool not as a big stage show as usual, more singing and dancing I likeded it haha! She sang a lot of her old songs remixed it was cool! I was afraid our seats were going to suck but they actually weren’t too bad we were closer than last time. Well that Friday after we played hooky and went to Santa Cruz with his friend Pete from work I was like great we have to celebrate our anniversary with his obnoxious friend but it actually wasn’t that bad we didn’t hang out with them the whole time! So it was ok, Santa Cruz although isn’t as fun as it used to be, its more like the fair! But it was cool to just get away. Well things are cool not much going on, im feeling better sometimes Tuesdays still suck! I just cannot get used to him being gone like today ill be by myself again I wish he would stop going but he supposingly likes it. As for me I wont sleep all night wich really sucks cuz than I have to come 6to work feeling like shit on Wednesday. Well I got this medication on the internet Ambien its to help me sleep, and it really works shit in a half hour im about to pass out. So we’ll see tonight. Well we move pretty soon here at work and that’s going to suck big time! I so don’t want to!! They’re moving us to some funky ass ghetto place when everyone else gets to stay in luxury and im leaving my friends behind I wouldn’t mind so much if they were going but now I gotta hang out with Michelle, Nisha and Summer not that it’s a bad thing, I like them a lot but im going to miss George and Karla they’re my homies! Karla took me in as a friend from the beginning, more than Elva did! It was weird some people you just click with and we just happened to click! I think because were both goofy in a weird way, and George we clicked because I was the first to throw his ass outta the closet haha! So yeh its sucks! Its going to be weird going to work everyday in a new place without them! I hate change! It really sucks! Well this weekend Yesenia is coming down, she hasn’t saw our house yet so I need to go clean and Gabe’s wedding is this Saturday so that’ll be interesting I haven’t heard anything about it, so im wondering how its going to be? I don’t know who coming out in it ? or anything oh well! So Sunday Yesi wants to have a bar-b-que at our house and go swimming its cool, it just now which I new was goin to happen! Everyone wants to come over all the time, of course to go swimming! I swear I have to not answer the phone sometimes on the weekend im like “im not here”!! it’s a hassle im kinda wishing we didn’t get one now! Sometimes I just want to stay at home and not have people over, but everybody’s always calling! Im surprised actually his brother doesn’t come over that much which we all know the reason for that! Oh well allrighty I guess I better do some work im a caseworker now can you believe that and I got a raise its better than before but not great!
June 24, 2004
Today is my last day here at work, were moving tomorrow to our new shitty ass, crack whore, disease infested home by the train racks, yep my job was to fucken cheap to pay our rent here after being here for almost 20 years, so now they’re like were just going to have move you all to a little corner whole in the wall in shit land! This so sucks big time! I don’t want to move I like it here, I have my friends here, no more George and Karla, im sooo sad! And yeh even no more Andy! Its going to be so weird not seeing them everyday. I’m used to them, we’ve been together for almost 31/2 years, ive grown close to them, if it weren’t for me, George would have never came out of the closet or in his case we wouldn’t have thrown him out! And Karla I made a good friend, even though she’s flaky and goofy! She was the only one who befriended me in the beginning; we clicked like we had known each other forever. So now im forced to hang out with Michelle when she decides to come to work. I like her don’t get me wrong but its not going to be the same. Things will be weird. And of course no more Joel by boss! My savior! He guided me into the light haha! But he did, he taught me a lot! Even though we didn’t agree on lot of things. It sucks that he’s not going with us, hes the one that brought intake to life and showed me everything. Now we have some new lady who thinks her shit don’t smell like booboo, she thinks Intake is gong to be a piece of cake, but little does she know that it’s a whole cake and than some. So today is sad, lunch time was weird, we just sat there like we didn’t know what to say to each other, it was awkward, but I know they’re going to miss me, just like I’ll miss them.
Well I had my first client yesterday im finally a caseworker which means I have to keep my own cases now. It’s difficult but not unbearable. I swear sometimes I feel like Tye in Clueless im like huh?????? Im just glad my friend went with me yesterday or else I would’ve been screwed, and lost! But we’ll see how it goes before I start looking for another job…. Well im almost over dosed yesterday no kidding ive been taking some medication I got off the internet, sleeping medicine because I have insomnia!!! I thought Id try it, its been all over the TV. So it works! The only thing that actually works for me, and ive tried everything, believe me, Vicodin, Tylenol PM, stuff!!!... and so I was reading the label on the side effects, and it said all this shit like blurred vision, sleepiness, blah blah and than it said if you overdose you might not wake up im like ok. So I took one last night and I swear I think I was over dosing, I took it with something else which I shouldn’t have done and I swear I couldn’t even stand up I was falling all over the place. I was seeing 3 of everything, I was trippin big time and than I passed out! Scary! so no more taking it with other stuff, I don’t learn im surprised I haven’t killed myself yet, I know I say it like nothing, I love life but I got issues! I swear my body is so messed up, I need shit to keep me up and go to sleep. What am I going to do? whelp I have so much to do still its not even funny were moving and I refuse to leave so I haven t even packed up all my shit, sooooo until next time I better get back to work…..
June 28, 04
So we finally moved to our new home at work, its ugly, its scary, and it stinks, and most of all I hate it! I miss our old place, it was nice, right by the water and especially where all my friends are at… oh well that’s life I guess. So im not good with change I’ll just have to get used to it. Well things are ok, besides all the drama at work, Saturday was Mark’s cousin Alex’s wedding it was ok, we didn’t go to the church but I heard it was all fucked up, and how his own sister kept creating drama, I guess because they were all were used to the other girlfriend, that they haven’t really given her a chance yet, I can see how it is when they don’t like the wife….well we went to the reception after and it was fun Sabrina & Joaquin were there, They are a trip, they out do us now! I really like them were both the same. I like hanging out with them, better than anyone else. She talks to me. She gets all crazy like I do. So we danced and drank and than I started to get tired, my medication started to kick in, I couldn’t even hang anymore, I was ready to pass out, so we ended up going home early.
Sunday his family came over and went swimming, it was cool, but sometimes I just like to chill at home by ourselves, I should have known better to get a pool, I don’t know I have mixed emotions about it now, I like it just for us to go swimming, but now everyone and there mama want to come over you know how that is.
Well yesterday I was home by myself while Mark went to play baseball, I was watching this special on Marilyn Monroe, you know how I LOVE her, well they were talking about her death how they have this theory on how they think she committed suicide, In my opinion I think she accidentally overdosed, I could see how that could have happened, well they were saying how she was severely depressed, she had anxiety problems was scared all the time, she had low self esteem, and insomnia, it was so weird, how much we had in common. Everything they said about her I I kept saying to myself, me too! They were saying how she had insomnia and how she couldn’t sleep at night because she had bad anxiety, and she would take hella medication to help her sleep, and then in the morning, she would take shit to help her wake up, well who does that sound like? And as I was listening to everything they were saying about her, and how much of a coincidence everything was between her and I, I started to get a little scared and I thought to myself, is that what is going to become of me? I do the exact same thing she did. But I never thought of myself as a drug addict, I guess I can’t admit it to myself, and I can’t stop! It’s an addiction that I don’t think ill ever get over, and it scares me! Sometimes I feel just the same as she did, like life totally sucks and I don’t care if I live or die! Everyday is a struggle for me! But I guess as bad as I think things are I can say im not as weak as her, as much as I hate everything sometimes I still try and go on... I think if I didn’t have Mark I would probably lose my mind. He’s what keeps me going and I think for her, she was just very lonely…and that’s probably why she was so depressed. Its hard people don’t understand what its like for us, and I don’t think they ever will……
July 8, 2004
Another rough night! I swear I don’t know how much more I can take of this I have such an awful time sleeping, sometimes I sleep good and most of the time I toss and turn all night, like last night. I don’t know what to do ive been taking this medicine that’s been helping from the doctor but last night I took it and it still couldn’t sleep! I just feel like im getting sleep deprivation and im going to lose it one of these days, everyday gets harder and harder…
Well besides that things are ok, me & Mark went and bought a movie last night the one with Ashton Kutcher, “The butterfly affect” it was pretty good, strange, and somewhat very coincidental, I know I shouldn’t take these movies so literal but this was so weird that I started to cry, it made me really think about my life and why im here. I always had this thing were I felt like I was on this earth for a reason, I had this dream along time ago were I was outside looking up at the sky and God came to me and said that I was supposed to fulfill some sort of deed for him I can remember seeing him and everything, but in my dream I couldn’t figure out what it was he wanted me to do, and I still feel like that I cant figure out why im here….my aunt she does numerology you know like a psychic, and well one day we were at her house and she was telling us how she new when her brother was going to die and all this stuff, and she telling me how some people aren’t meant to be on this earth, she gave me this strange look, & I got this very eerie feeling, like she was talking to me. Since both of my parents are mentally disabled my mother wasn’t actually supposed to have kids, & so I guess you can say I was sort of a miracle baby. Just like I the movie he went to a psychic and she told him the exact thing. Well the movie is about a guy who has these blackouts, he can’t remember anything when it happens, so he reads these journals that he’s been writing in for years (like I have) & he starts remembering what happened when he blacked out, so he tries to go back in time and fix everything, but every time he goes back in time he ends up messing up things even worse. The coincidences in the movie were to weird, he was molested when he was a kid, I have blackouts, I think im not meant to be here, I feel like these little things keep popping in my everyday life, whether in dreams or in movies or whatever, but they seem like there all signs trying to tell me something, the same thing with the whole Marilyn Monroe story. Call me crazy but I know im right and it scares me to death! And than as I was getting my clothes ready last night it hit me, I passed up my chance! My chance to make a difference, to change things. I had this dream the other night that my aunt had planned this trip to Africa and I was supposed to go and help out over there, but as they were leaving, I wasn’t ready, I made all kinds of excuses why not to go, I wasn’t packed, I didn’t take time off work, blah blah and I new that I had passed up my chance, and I feel like I really did pass it up. Do you ever have dreams that you know your dreaming, you can do anything want and it wont matter because you know it’s not real? Well when we were kids we were outside playing one day slip and slide we were ghetto south side kids so we made our own out of a tarp, you know put some water on it, and soap a there you go well, I remember running down it falling and hitting my head hella hard that I passed out, and its strange but ever since that day I feel like ive been dreaming, like I know this life isn’t real, almost like in my dreams, like I could do anything and it wont matter! I feel like im going to wake up one day and it’s still going to be that same day. When I was young I never saw myself living pass the age of 27 I don’t like to tell anyone but it’s just something ive always felt, I guess that’s why now that im 27 everything just seems weird and coincidental. Like all these signs keep coming up, and the whole thing with the numbers 1234, I keep seeing them everywhere ill happen to look at the clock and it’ll be 12:34, ill look up at a sign & it’ll be
461-1234, I’ll look on a piece of paper and its there! Mark says im looking for it but I don’t I swear! I don’t know life is scary! One day you can be here and the next your not. What would you do if you knew you were going to die on a certain day? Would you go out & let it happen? Or would you stay home & hide from death? I guess all our lives are all written in Gods hands and whatever happens, Happens…….
July 13, 2004
Well it’s been about 9 months since I last blacked out! It’s weird how I just saw that movie “The Butterfly Effect” and how the same thing in the movie happens, & than it happens to me, and at the worst possible time, while I was swimming in the pool, i just Thank God Mark was there with me because I probably would’ve drowned! I know now I need to be careful, im even scared and I usually don’t care. I know when it’s going to happen because I get this sense of like a De Ja Vu I felt it coming so I yelled out to him to help me out but it was too late, I passed out on the steps! it was strange though usually when it happens I totally black out not remembering anything, but I think because I was in water It helped me to be conscious, still I felt like I was in a daze, I couldn’t move, like my body went numb! I feel so bad I know I scared the crap outta Mark I can hear him yelling at me calling my name but I couldn’t respond! Im ok though. Well right before it happened I was telling him about how I was stressing at work & feeling tired because I haven’t been sleeping good, and that’s probably why it happened. I tried to explain to him that material things are not what make me happy, I have everything I could possibly want but I still feel empty.
The other day were at Tower Records and I was looking at Kurt Cobains diary, so I thought about it and I know im not famous or anything, but I was telling him how I should look into publishing my journals, I would call it “My Diary” “Inside the mind of a manic depressive” I’ve been writing for years & in here for a little over a year & I guess these blogs are becoming pretty popular, I sometimes read other peoples, I just wonder if anyone read mines, and what do they think of me? Do they think im crazy or do they relate? I know there’s got to be someone out there that can relate to me, I saw it on an infomercial one night when I couldn’t sleep, so I know im not the only one. I always said to myself I wish I could just step outside of myself and see me the way everyone else does. What would I really look like? I try to make myself be a better person, when I was with my ex he made this person I hated! And now that were not together, I don’t want to be that person I used to be! I was listening to the radio the other day, and they were talking about how these young girls are cutting themselves (scarification) and i used to do that when I was there age, I thought I was the only one who did that shit! I guess I wasn’t the only one who went through it and had those feelings; I don’t want to feel this way forever! So I try to make myself be more happy by being more social, or funny, or friendly or whatever but Mark will tell me im too shy, and that people see my attitude and it makes me feel like they don’t like me, his family for example! and that makes me feel shitty because I want people to like me, I don’t want to be that introverted person that no one likes again! I don’t think I am! I think ive come along way; Its just hard trying to be someone different on the outside than what your really feeling on the inside, no one knows the real me! It’s like a clown costume I put on everyday, trying to make everyone laugh and smile, but really on the inside I feel like im slowly dying! Well ive been trying to get my husband to read all my journals for the longest so that he really knows how I feel and for some reason he don’t want to, I feel like not even my own husband knows me, I don’t know what his reasons are, maybe he’s scared to know, sometime I feel like he thinks im making it all up and im being a big ole drama queen & I do want him to think that of me because its not true! These feeling I have are real no matter what I do or try to get rid of them I can’t. I keep telling myself I know I need help, but I cant get myself to do anything about it, in some way I think writing makes me feel better, I want other to people to know that they’re not the only ones going through it, and if I can help them or we can help each other, I would love that, but than again I am no one! And who would want to know or read about me, I guess life Is all about having hopes & dreams, I guess that’s what keeps us going, maybe mines will come true someday!......and everything will be all right!
July 27, 2004
I had another bad, bad night it seems like every night gets worse for me I feel like im getting less and less sleep, im going to lose my mind pretty soon, I have a doctors appt. next week so hopefully he can give me something and help me. Last night I couldn’t sleep for shit! My back was hurting I kept tossing and turning all night, and than when I did fall asleep I had this weird dream ……
It started like this, I was driving in my car leaving, Leslie was with me we were pulling out of a parking lot, on a really bumpy road, and there were these kids getting out of school, they were walking right behind my car, I was in the way so they were hitting my car, telling me to hurry up. I got mad turned around and started yelling at them. So they went to go get there friends which were a bunch of older guys. I remember a bunch of houses, we were trying to hide so we were running and hiding in these houses! I remember Cammille and Bianca being there, my aunt Irene. All these men were mad and after me. I can hear someone telling me something, I walked in to this room it was all black and I can see someone there, but he had a mask on like those Mexican wrestler masks, I couldn’t see his face but he was whispering to me
“Spontaneous kindness” so I started to be nice to everyone and it all turned around, like everyone was nice to me they weren’t after me anymore. There was this party outside balloons, decorations, and I can see a parade coming down from the road. There were a bunch of people holding up a person with a mask on, he was someone pretty important like a high priest, and when they got to the stage he got up and went to this podium and took his mask off and it was Art Cordero, and he was saying how in his life he did all these things to help people and he said he did it with “sub sequential kindness” just do things for people out of the kindness of his heart and for no reason. And I new this is what I was supposed to do. And I felt happy about it. I started running and I started flying in the air I was holding on to these balloons flying in the air. And than I woke up.
It was really weird I couldn’t sleep all night and than I had this weird dream, maybe it’s a sign, and he’s telling me what I need to do. I don’t know what’s going on with me I feel so out of it, all I want to do is rest, I cant concentrate on anything im here at work its about 10:00 and I feel so out of it! Im feeling cranky! I don’t know what to do! Im worried about my dad he’s in the hospital again for like the hundredth time, I guess were the same we both don’t listen.
August 9, 2004
I guess you can say things are ok, well not really im lying to myself I have been feeling like crap lately tired, sick, dizzy! I went to the doctor last Monday and I told him that I had epilepsy, I originally went there and told hi I had insomnia so I could get something to help me sleep but I ended up telling him that I had epilepsy so he didn’t give me anything and now wants me to do a bunch of tests Ive already been through it and I hate that im going to have to got through it again, but the other day at work I felt it coming on again and I guess im glad I told him its coming more often that usual. So now well see what happens, saturdya I went to go get a blood test I feel like there going to call me and tell me something bad, its funny though because im hoping they let me know something is not right with me, maybe its just a chemical imbalance in my brain, I don’t know but im getting to the point were im like there has to be something wrong with me because why else do I feel so shitty all the time, I know it cant be all totally in my head! Saturday I felt like crap while mark went to Lisa’s baptism I stayed home all day and slept! I flet like such crap!, I don’t know lately I haven’t been wanting to do anything! I don’t even want anyone to come over and I fell bad because my cousin Les is calling all the time leaving me messages her & the kids want to come over but I never call her back! I feel bad that I keep dissing her but I just don’t want to talk to anybody or anything!
August 19, 04
Things are ok I guess I still feel the same, I still feel like I don’t want to go out or anything, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I guess its because im stressing out at this dam job! I applied at UOP a while back and I got A card in the mail saying that they would call me, so im hoping I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I got paid more here but I don’t, so I’m stressing out like crazy all the time! and I don’t even get paid shit! So we’ll see, well I haven’t really done anything lately I still have been feeling depressed I don’t know but I have not felt this awful in a long long time! I’m too the point were I don’t care about anything! Sometimes not even my life! I don’t want to feel this way but it succumbs me, I came home Monday and all I did was cry, I know Mark cares for me, he’s such a wonderful husband, he stayed there with me instead of going to baseball game, I just feel like he doesn’t understand how bad it, and he thinks its all in my head! I want him know, sometimes I know he thinks why cant I just brush these feelings away, but I cant! Its not that easy, I want him to read this so he knows but he won’t, I think maybe he’s scared to really find out the real me, I don’t know! Well things have been sucky, Friday Mark had that DJ job for Trisha’s mom at Arroyos I went and then Rene & Mayra got there, with there friends and I was there by myself, Trisha was doing her family thing, and I felt stupid! I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere! And i hate that I do this to myself because for a long time I was very introvert, I wouldn’t talk to people, I would be scared, I would be hella shy! And I feel like im becoming that person I don’t want to be again. I changed because I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be someone else, but now im falling back into my same old pattern like before, I feel scared again, like I don’t even know how to react around people, and I don’t want to be this person again, Im even beginning to fill like this at work too, I don’t even talk to anybody anymore. Well I go see the neurologist on the 30th maybe it’s because im feeling sick, and its all in my mind, im beginning to wish there would be something wrong with me just so that I know its not all in my head. Time is flying by so fast summers almost already over I haven’t really had anybody come over lately, Les was always calling wanting to bring the kids over but I kept dissing, that’s probably why she hasn’t called in a while, I feel bad but just the way ive been feeling I don’t want to talk to anybody or see anybody! I just want to stay home and sleep! Even on Friday at Arroyos I felt uncomfortable that I made some story up how I was feeling sick and I went home, I know they were all probably talking shit but I don’t care! I don’t care about anything!
Well today I did my first presentation in front of a whole class at work, I was so nervous I felt like I wanted to throw up and faint! I was practicing all last night but I couldn’t do it, but it actually wasn’t that bad I went up there did it and it was over! As I started talking I just flew through it so im glad, I guess I was trippin over nothing! I felt like such a dork though like George Lopez, “I went to the Orientation, because im the Team Leader”! haha, I felt pretty proud of myself even during our luncheon with the Calworks people our Executive director came up to me and congratulated me on a good job that I had done, cool huh!
today’s August 26, 04 im barely getting to finish writing, I hate this I can never finish because im so fucken busy all the time, so ive been feeling a little bit better, Friday night we were going to go to the movies right after we had Shi Ra Soni, as we were on our way over there, I didn’t want to go anymore I saw all these people there and I didn’t feel like being around them, so we ended up going home, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time, I cant even remember what the last movie we saw was I swear! Well we went home and I cried all night, I think this is were I had my biggest break down! I was watching The Mothman prophecies in the living room while Mark watched football in the room, and I swear everything I seem to watch is so coincidental, I keep seeing all these signs everywhere, in the movie one of the characters has this dream where she drowns and dies, and she hears a voice saying wake up number 37, and it just seemed so weird to me that I keep seeing 1234 everywhere what does this mean? I see it everywhere on the clock, on signs, ill notice it all the time! I asked this Psychic that I saw one day but she didn’t seem to really know, I swear call me crazy but I know its some kind of a sign! Well anyways I find it weird, all these things keep seeing, and so as I laid there crying wanting to die, I was trying to tell Mark how I feel like inside of me im trying to Yell at the top of my lungs and I feel like noone hears me! Like no ones paying attention or cares. I know that he knows im going through something, I know he wants to help me, it just sucks that sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want to know about it, and I don’t want to burden him with my problems all the time, im afraid he’ll get tired of me always saying the same thing over and over and leave me.
Well the next day I woke up with swollen eyes, looking like shit, and I felt better than I had felt in a long time. I think I needed to get everything out! I needed to cry my eyes out I guess. That Saturday we went to Arianas 21st birthday and I felt social, I wanted to be there, I wanted to talk to people and be myself again, I even talked to my sister in law to be, even though she didn’t really talk to me back much, you know how that goes, But I felt good! And ive been feeling better ever since, even though my job sucks ass big time and it stresses me out like crazy! Im trying to take in everyday slowly as it comes, I thought about it and im like “what’s wrong with me”?? I have a brand new house, with a pool, and a hacuzzi, and I feel like shit! I don’t want anybody over, I don’t want to party! Or do anything, And I thought I should be having the time of my life right now, I should partying every weekend, taking advantage of the things I have, I have no kids yet nothing holding me back! and I haven’t taken advantage. I haven’t even been swimming in 2 weeks that’s how sad it been. I thought about all the good times we had when we first got married, we went out all the time to san Francisco and partied, all the places we used to go, when we were all young, I miss those days so much, I would give anything to be able to go back than. I guess I just miss my friends, and im having trouble accepting that im getting older and things change. When your young things seem so uncomplicated, you have no responsibilities and now that im older time seems to fly by that I dont even have a chance to sit back and enjoy it. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be but I know that I can’t, and I have to eventually accept it. I know things aren’t going to be fine and dandy all the time, but im trying, I don’t want to live my life dwelling on the stupid shit everyday, and I know that I could probably fall back into the same old feelings again, I don’t know how much longer I have here, but im trying my hardest to make this life seem worth something. I guess that’s all we can do………
August 30, 2004
Another Monday well things are going ok my best friend came in from out of town this weekend it was cool me & Mark played hooky and didn’t go to work on Friday Thursday night we went to go see the Exorcist it was cool there was some unexpected scene in there that got me pretty good, so good that I couldn’t sleep I kept seeing that ugly face all night, I felt like I was going to wake up in the night and see it staring right at me, and than I had this weird dream that Mark was waking up screaming! Have you ever thosed dreams were you cant determine whether it was a dream or reality? It was strange, but I always do this to myself I know its all in my head! Well we went to Paradise after we hadn’t been there in a long time, we only go when he comes down even though ive been meaning to take my friend George there, it was Thursday I was actually surprised there was people, we just drank a few & talked, it was cool I found it funny how he kept brining up you know “the bad experience” like nothing he kept talking about it like he was hella cool with it while im sitting there thinking to myself can we please not talk about this, im traumatized enough already but I know he knows it was his decision to do it, & I know he doesn’t blame me but I will never get over that feeling, it was almost as is if he wanted to do it again, yeh it’s the greatest feeling ever but I cant! Well Friday we ended up going to Bench & Bar I hate that place I swear I felt like I was at a Quincenera nothing they play nothing but a bunch if Mexican music which sucked! And than my stupid ass forgot to bring my ID I felt like such a dodo head I had left it in my pants pocket when we went to Paradise that night before, but I ended up getting in my bro in laws friend new the guy there, that was so funny I tried to use her ID but he hella caught me, he was” I know this is not you” “nice try” and than I was like sorry im 27 years old, and hes like “ well all you needed to do was tell me your birthday” oops… I think he was straight because he was watching me dance, and speaking of watchng someone dance I swear Mark was making me feel like shit all night! Im not one to really get jelous or anything, I think a woman Is beautiful, I don’t mind that he looks at a beautiful girl, weve been to strip clubs together, but when hes standing there all night, not wanting to dance with me because he wants to stare at a girl all night ok that’s not cool with me, I felt ugly and like shit! He thought I didn’t notice him but I did, and he tries telling me well I thought she was a man I couldn’t tell that’s why I was looking at her, WHATEVER! Eighther you’re a fag and cant tell the difference between a man and a woman or you think im stupid! He does it so sneaky, I know he loves me but I have low self esteem and I already feel like im hella ugly! Oh well! We had fun me and Beto danced and drank I got to meet Adrian’s new room mate she was cool, shes the one that ended up getting me into the club. The next day we had breakfast talked and headed on our way home, he eneded up goimg home I guess Kevin had to go on some convention in Vegas, I wish he would’ve stayed longer but I know he has to go back. We talked about a lot of things about he its funny how were friends after all this time, I guess you don’t find many people that have stayed friends for as long as we have even through all the shit weve been through together, I love him and I think that’s why I felt so funky for a while, was because I was missing me friends so much I feel so lonely sometimes, and i have friends but its not the same kind of relationship we have, I know, no relationship I have will be the same. I know he has a new life over there, and it sucks because I miss him so much and I think he feels the same way. Well Saturday we got home we didn’t do much, I slept and we stayed home and watched TV. I swear I was getting hella tired in Friday night, I couldn’t hang staying up all night, I must be getting old!
September 16, 04
I have been feeling like shit, but what’s new right well I went to the doctor finally and did my eeg, I go next Tuesday to get the results im hoping they find something wrong with me because I feel like im am seriously going crazy there has to be something wrong, why else would I be feeling this way? Today is the worst I cannot think straight I was up all night my brain would not shut down I kept thinking to myself shut up already! And when I finally did fall asleep I had this nightmare about some people trying to break into my house, and killing Mark and trying to kill me but I wouldn’t die, sort of like in the movie the crow I know im weird but it was scary, I remember them chasing me, and shooting at me and I remember seeing Elvia kneeling down praying for me saying forgive them. Well last night I was looking through all my books reading them remembering a lot of things and how stupid I was. And I was reading October 1, 1996 and how I was saying how depressed I was and im thinking to myself how weird after all these years I still feel the same why can’t I get over these feelings? Ive been this way for as long as I can remember I don’t want to go through the same shit again, but im getting worse and worse everyday physically feeling worse.
March 9, 2005
Today is my 3rd day back at work can you believe it time has gone by so fast, it was 6 months that I as off work its weird being back, I guess its not so bad I kinda feel pretty good its not as boring as being home and not as depressing, everybody has been real sympathetic and friendly unless there two faced I don’t know I go with one person and there like ooh girl guess what blah blah talking shit and tan I go woth another person and the same thing im like fuck are they talking shit like that about me behind my back or what, even my “friend” is talking to me im like I don’t give a crap anymore it was so 2 years ago im not holding a Grudge aahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahah na but I don’t care anymore. Well ive beeen feeling a lot better for a while there I was feeling very rageful like I wanted to kill someone or myself I even alost tried to do it again but it was my meds my Dr. switched and in the couple of days that ive been taking them I feel a big difference I fell even happy but last night I was watching Dawson’s creek and I cried I actually cried so maybe that means that my emotions are going back to normal. I don’t know yesterday I felt like crap I swear I was like ready to quit I was having anxiety attacks shaking I wanted to cry…ur well see so last night was grandmas bday Cam didn’t talk to me I don’t know whats up with her its like she my own cousin and she hates me, hates me talking to fed he kept saying how he was going to get in trouble im like yeh you are I wish she wasn’t like that and even Bianca called me and wa ssaying she was acting the same way with her I don’t understand? Anyways its there bdays were going to faces tonight all of us it should be fun nikki supposed to go so well see aas for cam ou know her ewww that’s grosse to her! …….
Im so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone these wounds wont seem to heal this pain is just to real threes just too much that time cannot erase you cried I wiped away all of our tears you screamd I fought away all of your fears I heald our hand through all of these years but you still have all of me. You used to captivate me by your resignatins light now im blinded by the life you left behind your face it haunst my once pleasant dreams your voice it tears away all the sanity in me these wounds wont seem to heal this pain is just o real theres just too much that time cannot erase
