this past weekend was cool we hung out at Cito's on saturday, Cito is cool and all you can just tell he wants so much to come out of his shell, he's holding in alot Gloria i still cant figure out? i feel like she likes me but than i feel like she doesnt sometimes, she's just has that attitutude were you cant tell, like Cam i wish they would just come outta there shells, but ive been trying for a long time, and still no luck. Well everyweekend weve been haave been hanging out with the fellas and Mark gets mad because i drink alot and well call me an alcoholic or whatever but it seems to be the only way to make me feel something i feel good, i feel happy when i drink, and i can actually see it now, but i just feel so numb with all the meds i take, its supposed to bring back seratonin in my brain but i still dont feel happy i cant even cry anymore and in a wierd way i miss feeling that way, today was the only day i actually felt something i cried, i was haveing anxiety attacks again i even had suicidal thoughts again which i hadnt had in a while, but whole thing was i felt! i dont know i guess thats why im turning to alcohol and im not even suppose to be drinking! something with the meds blah blah but nothing ever happens! not that im wishing it would ..... well im supposed to go back to work on tuesday and all today ive been freaking out! im not mentally ready yet i know i need to go back but im so scared! scared to face the world again what if i cant do it? i need more time, im going to call my Dr. so i can just get another couple weeks so i can mentally prepare myself. and than i guess we'll see what happens i think i'll be ready i just need a little more time. and hey if i cant do it than i'll just stop, oh god just give me strenth!!!!!

so things are going ok im feeeling alot better i guess ive been trying to keep my min buisy by doing things around the house im losing things to do. Well grandma Tillie past away it was pretty sad thing i dont even want to even think about when the tables are turned it makes me want to even be moore around her than i allready am, anyways well , im still going through a funk i guess everyone has there own issues im supposed to go back to work next week and just that scares the shit outta me im so not ready, im freakin out bad!!! im about to lose it its the future im scared of not the past anymore, i feel nothing sometimes it;s like a blah so it makes me cut myself to feel Mark hates it, i guess you can say it's an attention getter thas what Scott my shrink would say! well ive been thinking alot about doing "E" i know its bad, i hate to even think about it i just want to feel so bad, feel happy that feeling you know! i crave it almost! i even told Michelle to get it for me and i'll take it i swear, as for Beto i think he'll maybe do it one more time why do we think of life like nothing i can be here one minute and gone the next like Tillie i can be gone by my own hand what if i accidentally mix my pills up? what if i overdosw? life is so scary!!!! i know Biancha is going through it shes going through the newlywed stage im a little past it but still there its all these fucking drugs they give me im like a fucking walking drug store with no feelings i just want to gettawayfrom it all we hang out alot with Joaquin & SAbrina its cool we drink alot, and Mark starts to act like dad watching everthing im doing i know he worries i know he has his reasons, but i know my limits he doesnt understand that my tolerance level is much higher than his he gets drunk with 1 drink, well i just want to feel again sad, angry, mad something!! oh yeh i had another night terror again but this time i wasnt slepping i still think its in my room i went to bed and i swear i felt something there and touching me, call me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was a good day i suppose, im felling better i dont feel as bad as i did before but my problem now is that i dont want to face the future i gotta cal today from Frank asking me if i want to go back to work next weeek i was still sleeping when he called so i said ok, im not ready to go back to work im still fucking tripping off everything i fell like i still cant function the other day i got a bad reaction from one of my medication i think, because the minute i woke up till the next day i was so tired i felt like i was going through these coma like sleeps, like i was hgaving one seizure after another, it didnt feel right! i couldnt stay awake i mean like we went to the store i stayed in the car and went into a coma like sleep i was scary i couldnt even talk right i was like slurring as if i couldnt talk right, i didnt do anything just go to bed early and thats not me. Well weve been doing alot of things lately that has kept my mind buisy Beto came down a couple of weekends agfo we had fun we went to faces, than to San Fran, it was fubu night i felt like all the black girls were just dogging me, but i had fun, i guess when you think you feel like your on drugs you can imagine it and it starts to feel like it. Anyways i had a talk with Beto that night we had dinner at Chatas i just feel like he never unerstands me like he thinks its all in my mind and its easy to stop, and its not i just wish he would talk to me asn not talk at me you know. Well i just think thast i miss rthem too much i think thats why i started to fell so depressed and amongst all the other shit! but now with all the meds im taking i feel better i admit not cured i dont think i will ever be cured i dont think anyone can ever be cured from these feelings!iwith all the meds im taking makes me feel more numb than anything, i feel irritate, im feeling almost like i dont care about anything! i dont sleep as much as i used to, i am doing things on my own now things i wouldnt have done before like go to the store by myself or go for a walk outside i feel sorda changed i guess you can say. NOw since im supposed to go back to work i feel like im going through this Ricky stage maybe thats why i keep dreaming about him like a haunting feeling, in my dreams he is still obssesed with me, my interpretation of that is because im not ready to go back to work, im going throuigh that same feeling as if im so used to these feeling that i dont want to go on, like when i was with Ricky all i new was him and the way he made me feel and i know if i can through that and say to myself what i say now, i know eventually i will get through this but im not ready i m so scared of the future i feel like i will do anything to not face it. What do i do its allready next week im scared i was barely taking baby steps going outside, what do i do? i feel like going crazy again like alomst i hate to admit it but hurting myself again but i dont want to do that, i havent told mark anything yet i have to figure something out. well I just found out that Biancha is going through the same thing it sucks it really does, i will do what i can to help her i know what shes going through i told her to come by tommarrow so we can talk, an were also going to see Kieth Sweat so we'll see how that goes so until than............