Why does it seem like when you get older life gets harder, family, friends, things seem to change, and sometimes not for the better! I think as I get older and things change, it gets harder and harder for me to accept that things will never be the same. I miss my old friends and the things we used to do, I miss connecting with them on a level that not alot of people do, I miss not trying to have to work hard at impressing people, I dont want to do that anymore! I feel like its always me innitiating the friendships, always caring too much about what people think of me, or how they feel about me. why do I even fucken care? I dont know, maybe its because i grew up an only child, I always wanted people to like me, I guess thats why i care so much, my friends are the only famly that I have and it matters to me too much sometimes. i dont know maybe i need to move on, I feel like im living the same day over and over again like its ground hogs day. I need a change in my life I need to figure out what "I" want? what I want to happen in my future..... I know, I dont want to be here at this job forever, im tired of hearing about peoples drama! I sometimes think to myself and as much i love my husband and all, i think to myself im never going to have that connection with another person on that level and im not talking just about sex, noones ever going to fall in love with me or find out who I am, and i used to mention the newness has gone, but its not even that either, its me, noones ever gonna know the real me. I work with a guy and he's a realy nice person we can sit together and talk about whatever, how we are feeling that day or goal we want to achieve in life, or things that were interseted in, and i guess I just miss that, finding out new things about people, connecting on a higher level, having the same interests and joke about the same stupid things. and i guess we kinda do, i know that nothing between us could ever happen but i wish he could see me the way i want him too, i wish everyone would see me the way i want them too, but they wont!

So theres not much really going on in my life I guess nothing thats really interesting, beside the fact that me and Marco are having big problems, i dont know what to do anymore, and its like the most rediculous thing ever too, im even embarassed to admit that were having problems because of his stupid video games, but we are! ok so a while back he sold his XBox because he wasnt using it at all, he sold it to his brother, and than Rene starts playing this stupid fucken game and so Marco goes buy another XBox and lies to me telling me he rented it, and now he is like totally obsessed with it! im not talking just playing it here and there every once in a while, but im talking about having to play it every single day!! waking up at 3:00 in the fucking morning to play it! its been a fucken problem for some time now, see i dont care that its his dam hobby or that he plays every now and than but its come to the point were he is obsessed! i mean i was ready to walk out on him a few times already! the second time where it got really bad was two weeks ago, i got fed up because i had asked him to do something around the house and he didnt! he went and played his stupid game! i was so fucken pissed that i took his shit and hid it so he wouldnt play it! he got so pissed at me, didnt talk to me for a day and a half, until finally i talked to him, and knowing how dam pissed i was he had the nerve to ask if he could play it not even a day and a half later! he was trippin!!! he couldnt even wait! i would think he would be smart enough and say ok, she's upset i'll give her sometime, and let the whole thing blow over but NO! he couldnt even be away from it for a day! i dont understand this stupid obsession he has with it! and his brother will call all hours of the dam night and tell him to play! it just upsets me that he doesnt even think about i feel, its fine if he plays once in a while but its not even like that! so that Saturday i got so mad because he was arguing with me over it, and i gave him back his dam game and i told him "just know that you chose that game over me, and when you come back tonight i wont be here"! he had some stupid DJ job in Oakland that night and i thought alot about leaving that night thats how bad it was! and so he took it back, and before he left he wrote me this long letter saying how sorry he was and he wouldnt upset me like that again! and blah blah! and believe me i wanted to leave that night but i didnt have anywhere to go! where am i going to go? I dont have anybody! so i stayed and he came home and didnt say anything to me just went to bed. And so things did get better he didnt play for a couple of days and than we left to LA to visit Beto and yes the whole time he found some way to play with his video games there instead of talking to us, but i didnt say anything! see the whole thing that gets me is that, we'll have Bianca and Craig come over or we'll go somewhere and i'll be talking to them entertaining them and he falls alseep and im just there trying to explain that he's tired or whatever but if his brother will to call he will run at the oppertunity to play all dam night till like 3 in the morning, and he'll be awake for that! it just seems like he's changed! i swear he's not the same person he used to be, before he would bring me flowers, he didnt even do that for my birthday, he would always send them to me if i was having a bad day, or i was upset, or he would go out and buy me a card and say he was sorry and really mean it, before he would always want to hug me or kiss me, but now he hardly even touches me! i dont even remember the last time we had sex! its been weeks! hed rather stay up all night to play and than he'll go to sleep and not even want to touch me! and than i cant help thinking its because im fat! and ugly! and thats the other thing i feel like im never gonna be happy with myself, like im never going to accept the person that i am, or get passed everything that i went through! like things are never going to get better for me! i dont even want to ask God to help me, because i feel like ive completely given up on all hope i have for myself! i hate the person that i am! this horrible person that ive become! i look at myself in the mirror and i know ive probably said this alot of times before but, FUCK I HATE THE PERSON STARING BACK AT ME! i will never accept the person that ive become, or accept that i will never be anyone in this world! i feel like im always giving my all to my friends or whom ever and its never enough, i never even got the chance to ay what happened with me and my "roomate" i wont even go there! but fuck! when is my life going to get better, if its not money problems or whatever its this, i dont even know how more i can take! i feel like im falling apart again! i hate myself, and just everything! and everyone! and him right now! so last night we were watching TV and i tried to hug him and he just kind of brushes me off! and than starts saying isnt there anything else on? but giving me the hint that he wants me to leave! so he can play his dam video games, and so i do! I go in the room and he comes to bed late, and the whole time im by myself crying! about how much our relationship has changed. i dont understand things were so good, and now its like he doesnt even care! he yells at me like he never used too saying that i never let him do anything, and it makes me feel like im the most horrible worst wife ever! i swear i clean i do everything around the house, yeh he cooks thats all! and instead of going outside to mow the lawn or trim the trees to make the house look nice or fixing what he hasnt finished around the house, he thinks about his stupid fucking video games! this seems so stupid to me! but i swear its ruining or marriage its gone far more than it just being a stupid game! i feel like he doesnt love me the way he used too! like he's tired of me! and i give him his space and its till not enough, i dont know what to do????? its almost as if he has a drinking or drug problem or something! last night I wake up around 2:50 in the morning and notice he's not sleeping so i get up and look out the window to the living room and notice the lights on I walk over there and he's playing his stupid game at 3 or whatever in the dam morning!!!!! and I ask him why are you up so early? he gets hella pissed off starts yelling at me, "you never fucken let me do anything"! and throws his game, and im like i dont understand why you have to play like this! I dont understand why he is so obsessed that he has to wake up at fucken 3 in the dam morning to play?!! WHY? so I just go back to bed and dont say anything! i swear this fucken sucks! i dont know what to do, its like everyone thinks we have this totally cool relationship, but its not!!! he's changed! maybe ive changed i dont know! marriage is hard i know! but for something this stupid does it really have to be this way?????

Why do things have to be so dam complicated? it seems the older you get the harder things are, i swear i feel like its never going to get better, or maybe im just never going to be better! im tired of writing the same thing about how i feel i want to one day write something good! but i cant because nothing is never good! So im looking at old pictures of myself, of my friends and old times, and im thinking why cant things be the way they were before, and it sucks and hurts to know that they never will be! with my friendships, with my family, with myself! i'll never be the same. I always ask myself why I always have issues with friends and why they always hurt me? and i guess i just have to face that it has to be me, its like they drop like flies and all this time im blaming them, when it has to be me! I hate the person that I am! the person that is staring at me in the mirror! I could probably vanish from the face of the earth and noone would even care!

This morning as i was getting ready for work this one song comes on, its called "i don't wanna fall in love" its some 90's song, and I swear as I was listening to it, it reminded me of going to Stagg High School for Summer School, it was so wierd, I almost felt as if I was young again, I remember the smell of the early morning air, I remember the cold breeze on my body, inside of the bus, I remember seeing and talking to my friends, Felicia...Willert...and of course Conrad...its amazing how time can fly by so fast, when your young days seem like weeks, weeks seem like months, months seem like years....and when your older weeks go by like days, your life seems to flash by with a simple blink of an eye. Its actually scary knowing and realizing that your life gets shorter and shorter everyday! I wish for just one day I could back to those days, of course with the knowledge that I have now, when your young things don't matter the same, responsibility was not even a word in my vocabulary! im still till this day learning what it is to be responsible its so hard when you get older. the decisins you have to make, money, marriage, children, family! all you think about when your young is...am I going to see my crush today? does he like me too? boys boys boys thats another story. I was taking a look at my old photo albums that I have teh other day, and boy did i look so young! you never notice until you look back, I was just a kid with no worries. all the things I took for granted! my friends! my family! my life! I think i'll always be haunted by the things I did in the past, the mistakes ive made, but you know what you live and you learn, thats what life is all about dont you think? you make mistakes and you learn from them! I know ive made alot of mistakes in my lifetime but I probaly wouldnt know what I know now if I wouldnt have made them, just the other day my friends and I were talking about what it would be liek if we were single again, and one friend said to em she would never date or fall in love again because she;s too afarid of getting hurt! I dont understand, why you would want to live like that, how are you ever going to experience life or love without getting hurt, thats the risk you take, to me life is all about risks, you'll never know until you try! I cant imagine anyone wanting to live a life alone. ou loe you live you learn! "To feel pain is to know your alive"!!!! Love is such a powerful thing some people sadly enough probaby will never find it because there so afraid of it. I know its hard, I never in a million years thougt I would fid true love but, im a true believer that there is someone out there for everyone! I used to work in the mall a long time ago, and I used to love to watch people passing by, all kinds of different peole short people, tall people, fat, skinny and I used to think to myself, "I wonder what there life is like"? I used to wonder if they were happy or if they had someone they loved? and I would see like the most oddest couple, and I would tell myself I really do believe there is someone out there for everyone! but the hard part is finding them! I know I probably talk alot about taking risks, but the things ive been through in my life, made me realize that life can ge gone just like that! all the things ive experienced made me learn more about life, and I know that its hard, I still have days where I wish that I wouldnt be here anymore! days were life can suck so much that you dont care what happens to you! whether you live or die! I know whats its like ive been there front and back! but HOPE is what keeps me going, HOPE that oneday thigs will be good again, HOPE for my future to be good! HOPE that my health will be good, HOPE for a family one day!

I swear I just don't understand girls anymore, im begining to hate them, I am begining to hate my friends, i mean of course not all of them but just the girls I swear they just have too many dam issues, at work now its Ale, she sits right by me. When Jessie left it all changed becasue see she was the the real crazy one, she made us laugh all day..and my friend she’s not very social with anyone she’s really quite. So when my other friend left she changed and now she hardly talks to me, she keeps saying “im going into my box again” meaning she’s going to keep to herself, well I don’t know its been very uncomfortable, I know she’s going through something, she doesn’t love her husband anymore she’s unhappy in her marriage, blah blah, she’s just depressed all the time and I know that, but its like she wont let anyone in, its like when I come to work I don’t know what kind of mood she’s going to be in, if she’s going to be pissed again, if she’s sad, its like she’ll only talk to me when she feels like, so she hasn’t talked to me in about a week or so but yet she’ll talk to Caludia in Spanish so I wont understand? I sit right by her and I feel so uncomfortable, I don’t know, it bothers me because im the one that’s always kissing my friends asses, when its them, I tired of being the nice guy, and on my way home yesterday I was thinking about it, and I was like I don’t even really know why were friends, we don’t hang out on the weekends, she don’t call me, we don’t have the same things in common, were actually total opposites, im just not going to be the nice guy anymore, I don’t know why she’s not talking to me, but im to the point to where im like “if I have to give more effort in my friendships, than they do, its not worth it” if it's not one friend it's another, I dont know maybe it's me? am I the bad friend, im always letting my friends run all over me, and take advantage of me, and im just not going to do that anymore!

So lets see whats been going on in my life hmmm.. not much I guess, ive been feeling alot better thats for sure though, me and my husband are planning on having a baby pretty soon, gosh I cant believe im actually saying that how scary! yeh im scared but im actually ready, weird huh? but ive been trying to eat right and exercise, I even lost 10 pounds woo hoo! im even trying to lay off the pills from now on, I havnet been taking my depression pills as much and i feel good actually, at first yeh it was kinda wierd I felt emotional, I cried for any little thing but I feel cool, not as bad as i thought i would feel. I want to be prepared for when I do get pregnant my body will be used to it. Im going to be 30 this year and its so wierd I find myself not wanting to do the things i did before like I dont feel like drinking like I used too, even for New Years which kinda sucked, I wasnt even feeling it, I didnt really want to go out and party like I usually do I didnt even drink I had like one drink and thats it. We even ended up leaving early from the bar. I dont know my life has changed so much over the years its wierd when you get older you start to see things differently i never thought id be where I am right now, things change people change, can you believe even Jessie is not here no more she got another job, she's actually not moving too far she'll be in the other building, but still you get so used to being around one person, when there gone it now feels so lonely over here, Ale she isnt big on talking you now how she is really quite, and Claude she's always been in her own little world. And GLo well our friednship has grown totally apart we dont hang out as much, like we used too, i mean dang we used to hang out every weekend, go to dinner he would spend the night sometimes now our friendship is only lunches and to and from work rides...he just had a birthday and he spent it with is family ok, that was wierd, we usually plan to go to the city or Sacramento, i dont know personally i think he's grown tired of me, all the times we fight and stuff, I dont think I could even go on another trip with him its just too wierd, oh well im learning that peole just dont care anymore, the only peole that are important in my life is my husband, and my family. Not even me and Lyndall are close anymore, it was real cool when she first moved in, we hung out went swimming, talked about personal stuff, and now she dont even hardly go to lunch with us anymore, not after the big incident with us when she went off on me, and i had t ignore her in my own house for about a week....that really sucked but im so tire dof people taking advantage of me, and staright up thats what she did, Take advantage of me! oh well who needs friends right, all there going do is end up stabbing you in the back or something! I dont know but Jessie it was dofferent, we connected on some crazy way, we were both crazy I guess, andnow that she's not here well i feel like looking for another job. I dont get paid shit here first of all, my friends are all acting wierd, its just not the same anymore, I cant count on anyone anymore, just myself. I dont know life is so dam complicated, and me dealing with change, i dont do so well! why do things have to change it sucks, why do people change? maybe I need to change? maybe its time I start looking out for myself and not worry about other people, or what they think about me...When are we really happy anyways? I cant even really remember the last time things were going so well, its like one thing happens, and than another. We dont even have any money right now. it seems were living check to check, before we were doing well, we had extra money to spend, when we wanted to go places or buy things, now we dont! and it sucks I feel like everything was just tooken from me, and i'll never get that money back, I had plans for my future, I wanted to build my own home, and have a baby soon with the money we had. Its so scary life, I see all these young woman every day come in here to work with like 5 kids and making only $1100.00 a month its crazy I dont kow how they do it. I give them some serious Kudos, and there single parents I would die If i had to do it on my own. I guess were alot stronger than we think we are. I just want to be happy is that so much to ask for? so its a New Year and im going to be 30, i swear I never thought id be this old, I still think my life is destined to be cut short. I just cant see myself getting old. But the days keep going by and me im not getting an younger, I think its time for me to make a serious change in my life, its just i dont know where to go from here? .......