December 30, 2004
I don’t even know where to start I haven’t written anything in such a while, and that’s because so many things in my life are happening I don’t even know where to begin. Well ever since we’ve moved into this house as I have been saying all this time, I haven’t been feeling really good about myself my job started to get stressful, I started to get seizures, and I felt like my body was going to shut down, so than I finally took time off work to relax and that’s when I started to fall into this deep depression! I don’t know its been this whole year, all kinds of shitty things happened! Withe whole Beto issue and, I know staying home alone in this house didn’t help any and I keep trying to tell myself that but, I cant seem to get out of this funk, I feel so trapped here. Well I guess you can say it all really started at Thanksgiving time that’s when everything stared to hit me hard Yesenia was staying over and that was cool, but I was taking my new medication for my seizures and my depression and you know how it is waking up early in the morning during the holidays to go over moms for breakfast, but I swear everything we did during that time is such a blur to me, waking up in the morning, going to Best Buy after the Thanksgiving sale I cant remember anything I feel like everything I have done over the past few months have been just a dream I don’t know what to feel right now, I have so many questions and no answers, but my main question to myself right now is “Am I going Crazy”??!! I feel like I am totally and utterly losing my mind! I sometimes cant distinguish between reality and my dream world anymore, I used to say that my dream world was like another world to me a wonderful one where i was powerful and can do anything i wanted to do in them, but now there all nightmares because, I cant figure out which is which?! Well we’ve been hanging out with Sabrina And Joaquin for a while now and I really do think that certain people come into your life for a reason and ever since the beginning we all kinda just clicked and every weekend we whave been doing things going to the movies, drinking and getting crazy! And as I vaguely remember, it was a Sunday night we were at there house, I was drinking a lot and when we got home Marco went to sleep and I remember sorta what I did, I just don’t know why? I guess you can say I was like a time bomb ready to go off!!! All these feelings and emotions Ive been having over the past year and a half and my whole life, finally caught up to me and, they say when your drunk your the bravest and I was! And I finally did it, I tried to kill myself!! I remember taking turbo outside chasing after him falling all over the place, im actually surprised that what I thought was my destiny to die by drowning didn’t actually happen, because I was running right by our pool I could’ve fallen in at any time but I didn’t! I remember also banging my head against the wall over and over! Going inside the house cutting my wrists up with a broken glass and taking a bunch of Valium and sleeping pills! and Wishing that I would die! The next morning is all a blur to me I don’t remember anything Marco says when he came home I was like a zombie and I had showed him everything I had done to myself, I had a black eye and cuts all over my wrists, I guess I was crying like crazy because my DR., Dr. Wu admitted me right away to a mental hospital I was like girl Interrupted, I have never in my whole life been so scared of anything it was a very horrible place to be all of us like zombies drugged up, a girl in the next room trying to hang herself with a sheet! All I wanted to do there was sleep and go home! And now that im home and alone again, its after X-mas, im scared, so scared that its going to happen again. I sometimes think maybe that’s were I need to be, because im so afraid of what’s going to happen to me in the future. Everything is so scary to me right now I feel like im breaking into little pieces and no one or nothing can put me back together again.
While I was in there I was so afraid and I didn’t want no one to know, the only ones that new were Marcos side of the family, Chata and Beto I didn’t want to tell my family or my grandma because I was so scared of hurting her she’s my everything! But at the same time I new I needed her! Its weird how everything works, how life works I was only there 3 days and it changed my whole life around, after I came out I cried and cried and all the shit that was going on inside my head, and still is, yeh I keep having these Night Terrors, I keep seeing things, im hallucinating, I keep thinking my house is haunted, or that I have some kinda brain tumor, but in a weird way it also brought my family together and Marcos family closer. That next couple of days later I told Mark that I needed to seek God so went to St. Georges and I got on my knees and cried I felt like Jesus, like I had tooken in everyone’s pain and suffering into me! And I wanted to take away all of Jesus’ pain for him ive always believed in God and I know committing suicide I will go to hell, and of course I don’t want that, and I don’t want to hurt anyone especially Marco I love him with every little piece of my body and soul, he has been wonderful just like an angel sent down from heaven. I can’t imagine what I have put him through and im sorry to him for that! After that I went and told my grandma everything accept the part of me being in a mental hospital I didn’t want to worry her too much, but I did tell her that I had been in a hospital for my seizures and how id been feeling, and that day was like a relief to me, I felt me burdens lifted, I love her too much and I didn’t want to hurt her but I at the same time need her so much. And that made me feel good.
A couple of days later I fell back into again everyone was at my house my family, his family I was so out of it, I think if they wouldnt have been there I probably would’ve tried to kill myself again, but my aunt Irene was there praying for me along with everyone else, and yet I wanted everyone to leave, like this little voice in my head was saying don’t listen to them like a demon and I just cried and cried. My family has been getting closer weve been doing prayer meeting every Wednesdays I wish more of them would come. I see Nikki and Leslie and they hurt me just knowing what happened to Beto could possibly happen to them I know there in this whole different world right now, the same way I am too, but to be around them hurts me because I cant lose someone knowing again that I could have possibly have contributed to it, like when Nikki asked me for some drugs before all this and It felt so wrong to me, I just wish they would open up there eyes and see me, and see what is really happening, to me and that its hapening for a reason.
A couple of days or so later Marks family and I went to dinner at of course Cancun and we were all talking about God and love, and I finally got to hear those words that I had so been longing to hear from Marcos dad, and that was, that he loved me and he finally told everyone else that he loved them too, so in a weird way it was like what i was going through brought us all together and that made me feel so good I cried.
At our little prayer meetings we’ve been having, I ve been actually getting closer to Betty I never thought that would happen, but she has been here for me like I never thought, I opened up to her and told her everything! Everything I saw when I was young, how I felt about Marks dad, Mayra, about after the wedding and she was a good listener, I guess that’s why we all opened up at Cancun that night, she probably went and told Marks dad how I felt and I don’t care im glad she did, knowing that he was able to say what everyone wanted to hear for a lomg time.

We had a surprise party about a month or so ago for Bianca it was fun everyone actually showed up Marks side,I of course got wild and crazy and drank too much I think this was actually a little after I had gotten out of the hospitol I cant really recall the sequence of all these times but I know it was before X-Mas, anyways,as I was saying I got drunk we all had fun everyone was here even Gabriel, and Alex and there wives, you know when we throw parties there off the hook everyone hasa good time even,George hooked up with someone but that’s another story, well I guess mixing alcohol and drugs wasn’t a good idea because a little after everyone left I tried to kill myself again!!! I wanted to jump into our pool and drown myself it took Joaquin and everyone else to hold me down! And the whole time all I could think about was Leslie and Nikki and knowing what they were doing and knowing if something happened to them I couldn’t live with myself, why??? I don’t know I just wish they would stop!I could see it all on there face what there doing ive been down that same road… Well Sabrina and Joaquin stayed with me and took care of me and im thankful to them they know what ive been going through weveold them and weve been going to church with them and theve been really good frineds to us.
Gosh everything that I have been going through, there’s so much for me to talk about, Marcos uncle Ruben past a way also about two weeks ago, we had seen him in the DMV a week before that and he looked good to me I didn’t feel like he was going to go anytime soon and than that next week we heard that he was on his death bed and so we went to go see him,and I wanted to see him too, as he layed on the bed with his family around him crying, i felt so bad, I didn’t really get the chance to know him very well, I had talked to him every now and than but I sat there and cried my eyes out because this poor man wanted to live and his family wanted him to live but me I was there had almost killed myself not caring about myself, or how it would had affected anyone, I wanted so much to trade places with him I would had took his place at that time if could, and I felt so bad for his family, Sam, tato, Charito….
I don’t know know I feel like ive been searching for answers as to why I feel like this searching with doctors and nuerologists, therapy, psychotherpy, and now God i just want to go back to being the same me again, i know ill pm probaby be a long way down that road but right now all i can do is take one step at a time and thats what im doing.....

the gang at my 70's party 1997

my lil Turbo

"Hello" is the coolest thing, it finally lets you post pix to your blog, I was kinda hisitant at first beacuse who knows what kind of crazy Richard Ramirez' there are out there reading my shit but if im one day going to publish this so everyone can know whats its like to be me i might as well put real shit in it right? so fuck it! its about 3:30 and im here by myself Mark had to go to Lala land again I hate it when he leaves im here all alone and I cant even get my sorry ass up to go anywhere all I want to do is sleep all day! until he comes home but i feel bad for my dog! well this morning i had a dream that I had a baby girl she was beutiful ive been lately having dreams about a little boy but last night I finally had a dream about a girl, I dreamt that Mark left me by myself and went out with his friend Pete while I was home with the baby, we went to the store, to get something to eat, it was wierd, and she liked to swim she sawm alot and she was good! I want this baby, but im am so scared! I have alot of addictions even though I hate to admit it! just call me Marilyn Monroe or Elvis, im addicted to sleeping pills i cant stop taking them, i cant sleep at night so i take one every night I think my body is going through withdrawls I keep waking up at night in a drench of sweat! and I want to stop so i can be healthy baby, if I am pregnant, but I know its going to be so hard for me! no alocohol! no marijuana! no nothing! and im not stupid! I wouldnt anything to harm my baby, but im allready stressing!
So Ive been bored and decided to write about me and explain why I am so fucked up I why i feel the way do, I dont think anybody really knows my real story, so I thought by writing this maybe it'll help me since I cant seem to get an appt. with a Psych. well see both of my parents are mentally disabled, i mean they cant read or write, manage money or anything like that, but there actually pretty smart in other ways, my mother is the biggest minipulator ever! See i actually grew up with my grandparents they raised me when I was little I did live with my mom and dad at a time but they didnt really know how to raise a child,(my mom supposingly couldnt even have children) not to be mean or anything my mother was a little crazy! I saw so many thiiings in my life you wont even believe and im not going to sit here and lie, but I want to tell the whole truth, and i'll try not to make them seem like the bad guys because I do love them very much. My mom has a bad temper, she is the biggest hypocondriact, and a big time lier. She knows what shes doing despite the way she is! buti do love her! I can remember my mother having sex with all these men I swear my father would not be there, or even sometimes he would be and I would be locked into a room while I can see through a peep whole the whole time what was going on. I dont know what was going through there minds at this time because of the way they are, but some how I dont reallly think they understood the whole real concept of it! or how it would affect me or or even that I would remember every little horrible detail! And this didnt go on just with my mom, no my dad would do the same exact thing too, see my mom and grandma would go to the mall and we would walk to this little whore house of a motel down the street and my father would meet the same lady in the same room and they would well use your imagination...while they would lock me in this hell whole bathroom while I again could watch what was happening in the peep hole! I think maybe this is why im so sexual, me and Mark have a wonderful sex life and of course its always me the aggressor! ive seen it all, my father with different women, my mother with different men, men I cant even mention. and than there was me see if you see a picture of me and my parents, we look nothing alike I look nothing like my family, i look like little orphan annie with red hair and white skin while every one looks like Indians! now tell me what do you think about that, I may be blind but not dumb! my father had this friend which we'll call him the bread man, he would often come around the house I guess they all went to school together my mom and him, and let me tell you although my family may not want to say anything or be in denile about about this man, it is with no doubt in my mind he is probably my real father, he has red hair white skin, and when i got my seizures and was in my Anthropology class one day and found out that it was heriditary and that he had them too, that told me everything, ive even tried to find out the truth but you know what I really dont care I love my father he was a good dad despite the fact that he cant destiguish between whats morally right and wrong he was good to me! he showed me alot of love! he made me macaroni, and hugged me when i needed to be hugged! my mom on the other hand was a different story she was mainly the reason why I went to live with my grandparents which, lived right across the street ooh far huh?! but I got away from her that way, My mom like I said earlier was not the best mom, but I dont blame her for that. My parents would argue alot she would even beat my dad sometimes and I would get in the middle of it while my dad cried and she took her anger on me by beating me up, one night we got in to a big fight that she even tried to suffocate me! but I got away from her! I know this sounds crazy coming from two menatlly disabled people they probably sound like noraml people huh? and I didnt mention I was only about 5 or 6 years old at the time, I was just a child and still till this day I can remember every little detail about everything!
Despite all this shit i had to go through I also became real sick I still dont even know what it was till this day, one day we were all at home watching Tv in the front room and I couldnt get up and walk they rushed me to the hospitol and said that i had a rare disease that affected my bones and that if they wouldnt have tooken me right away I might have never been able to walk again. Wierd huh? The doctor said it was like 1 outta 1000 that would get something like this. I dont know all I can say is im Thankful im ok!
Well My dad he had a lot friends come over to the house my mom does have a really friendy personality i say even though people dont know the real her, so there friends would come over and play with me and well things happened and I was molested! it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it, I cant even really tell you by how many men but I remember one particular person! why did I put myself into those positions to let it happen, I think this is maybe why I dont like myself so much, one of the many reasons!! I blame myself for letting it happen, but my family did eventual find out about it, this one lady that was actually trying to protect me mentioned it and they didnt believe me or her!!! I can remember child protective services coming by and asking me all these sexual questions, they took me to the doctor did all these tests on me and i can remember being in so much pain, ill never forget that, but my family seemed to ignore it as I can remember, my parents still this day are still friends with him, they'll tell me "oh guess who called"? and im thinking to myself ok they must not know any better but why does my grandmother not say anything i know she must know, its all these years been just a hush hush sorda thing!
It was very hard for me growing up with parents like them I love them and all but I would be lying to myself if i said I didnt wish I had a normal family like everyone else, i feels so envyous towards my husband because although his family may get on my nerves sometimes they are all beutiful in ther own way and I wish I had what he does. I think school was the hardest for me I went to Catholic school see, a little small school where everyone knows everyone and all there business! I have always been different from all the other kids wether it was my red hair or my 2 menatlly disabled parents that I had, everyone knew us and at that time it wasnt cool to be different, I got made fun of alot, i hated the way I looked and still do, ive heard all the red head jokes, Annie, Strawberry Short Cake, freckle face, Raggedy Ann, and ive learned to live with it guess because now adays red hair isnt so bad, its the only thing that made me different and distinguished me from all the other girls was that of my red hair! now all the girls want it, and that irritates me so bad!!When im finally glad to be different im not!
anyways as I was saying, all my friends new my mom and dad they would walk me to school everyday because we only lived around the block and I admit it i was totaly embarressed of them my dad liked to make all kinds of goofy jokes, and make all kinds of goofy faces, and I hated it! I knew people would talk about me behind my back and kids are mean! they would call them retareded! and I would cry! and for a very very long time I had a hard time accepting them and as I got older I never wanted my friends to meet them because I was so embarressed of them and I think I was always scared that if I did get a boyfriend he wouldnt be good to them.
And when I went to junior high I met someone and he wasnt! he would call them retarded. He was an asshole!! he was a friend of my friends boyfriend and at first I didnt even like him I thought he was ugly! and than we began tocme friemds and one thing led to another and this is were I began to rebell! See I was the kind of kid that your parents would say you couldnt hang out with because I was a bad influence, and as I still find my self peer pressuring my friends! even though I dont want to, after all the shit I made my friends do! and everything i went through with that. Me and Ricky (my x) we had a very bad relationship, he was mentallly and physically abusive, because of him I put my family through hell, I rebelled big time, I lost friends, and I became someone I didnt like very much! I ran away from home I did drugs, i cut school all the time i dont even know how I graduated, because I never went, I had alot of sex, I got suspended twice, I hung out with a gang, and rode around in stolen cars,I did alot of bad bad things.
For a long time I couldnt help regret everything so much, everything i put myself and the people i loved through, last year actually I went through whole regret mode I kept telling myself WHY?WHY?WHY? What was I thinking? i was stupid! I felt like I waisted a whole 6 years of my life with him, I loved him in a crazy fucked ass way! but that was a time in my life I wish I could erase from my memory and take back! And than I began to think if I would have not went through it I wouldnt be the person I am today, it did in fact make me stronger. I can now tell others what it was like and I understand women that go through the same thing I did, we connect on some level.
I had a best friend back than he was actually me and Ricky's best friend his name was Bert the most beutiful person I ever knew, he used to hang out with us all the time I will never forget him! he used to protect me from Ricky, and mad me laugh all the time, I wish he was still here, its funny how life is one day your here the next your not, he was killed by his own uncle, long story but I love him and sometimes till this day he visits me in my dreams and talks to me, I know ill see him again one day.
All the people we meet in our lives as the years pass i know for me they all leave a memory of some kind wether theyve done me wrong or are still best friends I will love them always and forgive them, thats just me I could never hate anyone no matter what! To my parents even though I have told all our juicy gossip and I didnt want to make you seem like the bad guys because your not and I forgive you for eveything and I will forever as long as I live take care of you and give you everything you desrve.
Theres so many different people and ive learned a little bit from each one wether theyve left me with something to remeber or made an impact on my life I will never forget any of you....Tommy, Naomi, Ursula, Jennifer Angela, Elva, Laura, Daniel F., Ricky, MaryAnn, Valentino, Ariston, Mesa, Felicia, Roy, Jacob, Frank, Bert, Beto, Adrian, Blanca, Chata, Sergio, Vero, Dino, Conrad, Isiah, Polo, Emilio, Joel, Karla, Michelle, Nisha, Summer, Elvia, George, Andy and most of all to my love of my life, soul mate, best friend, and angel Marco, wether we leave this life together or not I will remeber you and love you with all my soul in this life and in the next.....
Ok what am i talking about i sound like im dying tomarrow or something all dramatic! but theres some many things ive seen and things i didnt want to see, but thats life I know i'll probably see alot more things i dont want to, and im not writing for people to feel sorry for me but for people to see that theyre not alone in the way they feel, we all go through it some more than others and wether im sad at this moment in my life, i have hope that things will get better for me and for everybody else out there like me, so hold on and be strong and take life one day at a time because thats all we can do, And dont think that I never had good times in my life because I of course have had the most memorable funnest times ever with th epeople that i love, but the bad things just seem to stick more. I just wish sometimes I could be a whole new me and one day hopefully i will....

all of us halloween 2004

me and Jack!!!

me and MJ

me and Mark

I had another wierd dream last night actually I had three! I remember every little detail actually theres too much detail to go into but its wierd for a while I wasnt dreaming, and than i started having these really wierd vivid dreams lately I swear I feal like I was even sleep walking I cant even distinguish between reality and the dread world anymore. Im hallucinating I think if I dont talk to somebody or see someone soon Im going to lose it! ive been trying to get an appt. with this Psychiatrist but noone will call me back. I dont one day im fine the next I want my life to be over why do I feel like this? What is wrong with me? im like on an emotional rollercoaster!! Well other than my crazy emotions, things are ok thats why I dont understand these feeling that I have, ok so anyways Halloween was good we went down Beto's house to visit him for a few days in L.A. we went to the Queen Mary they had a haunted house inside it was the coolest thing i have ever seen I mean it was real! like some Freddy Kruger shit! We were all hella scared! I screamed like I have never screamed before Beto dug his nails into me like he was going to scratch my eyes out! Mark yelled like I have never seen him yell before it was the funniest thing ever! I love it! like a real horror movie! Well we pretty much hanged out all weekend, talked I really miss him alot, I know he misses me too! Its cool because we can just be anywhere and have fun! Sunday, Halloween we went down town L.A. they had it all closed off everyone dressed up it was neet alot of cool costumes alot of people bashing George Bush our new idiot president! dumb American hick people voting for a dumb ass man! but anyways it was really cool accept there was alot alot! of people we got scared at a point we were like lets get outta here you know theres always gotts be some idiots being stupid hitting and pushing everyone! Well I just he was closer to us!
Saturday was Joaquins birthday (Marks cousin)we had fun of course I got drunik I promised this would be my last time before I get pregnant yeh me pregnant to tell you the truth I might allready be! for the first time im happy! I actually am ready, ok but thats another story! I dont know when I drink like I said many times before I become the person I want to be I could probably see outside myself how I look like a drunk! Every body probably thinks im fucking crazy! and I probably get on there nerves I never even really thought about it until now its like once I start Im buzzing and the next thing I know im fucked up and telling everybody I Love them I mean Everyone! I am uncontrollable! Mark says that when I drink I want everyone to party hard like I do like I see just anyone sitting down and I want them to have a good time like me! Im too friendly, too wild but O cant help it I want everyone to have fun! I am a big peer pressurer I always make my friends do things they dont want to do and I swore I wouldnt do that anymore but you know how that goes!! well all I know is that I had fun and thats all that matters!
So my cousin Nikki shes been working on this poem book her and her friends and she put some of my art work in it its so neet she wrote some cool poems and dedicated it too us I wanted to cry! i think its really beutiful! The books called Midnight Dance! Well ive been wanting to write a little more about myself but I havent had the chance I swear I will someday before I go so everyone can know the real me ok time to go Monster House is on....

I had this very wierd experience this morning, I had an out of body experience! It was so wierd my cousin called me this morning about 11:00 and I talked to her for a few minutes and after I got off of the phone I said to myself Ill get up in a few minutes the next thing I new it was 2:00 all that time, I can remember looking at myself out of my body in my room sleeping and telling myself to wake up, but I couldnt!!! and during this time I was leaving my bedroom going somewhere else, I was in a mall parking lot and I can see this little girl getting in a back seat of a car waiving at me goodbye. The next thing I saw was this older lady she was having a party at her house she looked rich because her house was huge, like an old colonial style house her and her friends were outside drinking by the pool shes kept looking at what looked like the gardner, she ended up going inside with this man, and being with him! I kept having all these flashes of peoples faces, people I dont know, the next thing I was back in my room over my body again saying WAKE UP!!! but I couldnt like as if I was in a coma or something, and than I thought I heard my husband as if I was hallucinating, I can hear him trying to get in the room. And than I woke up! Ive had this experince before but nothing like this! I feel like im losing my mind, I got out of bed and I said to myself I have to take a shower so I got in the shower and I still felt like I couldnt wake up! I feel like im going crazy what is wrong with me?

Another weekend gone by, my time home is going by so fast i know maybe its because all I do is sleep all day, but I cant help it I feel so tired all the time I cant get myself to get outta this house, this past weekend I finally went out for the first time in a long time. and it felt good I still feel the same though but I actually had fun this weekend. Friday me Mark, Biancha, Sabrina, & Joaquin went to the movies we went to go watch "The Grudge" it was good it had alot of scary parts from the begining to the end. we took Biancha because we always see her there by herself I feel bad for her she stays home watches Maddie and goes out all the time by herself while Craig works im scared ill be by myself while Mark works I hope I can be a good mother like that. Well this is it were planning on having a baby soon like now i want to i think im ready its just the more i talk about it the more scared I get but I know that were both ready to do this and its so funny because Rene came by the other day and was like so I hear you guys are trying to get pregnant I was like oh my god Mark told someone I know he had to have how could we be planning this and everyone end up knowing its funny how rumors go around he was like yeh Eric told Lisa told him blah blah im was trippin. I just wanted to tell everyone at the right time im not even pregnant yet! I could just see everyone talking shit. well anyways after the movie we went to Arroyos an had some drinks that was cool we finally got new friends Sabrina & Joaquin are really cool its funny how alike we all we have so many things in common i like them you know how you meet people and you just click, well thats how we are we click! its funny how we do the same things, kaereoke, drink, we both love horror movies. Its wierd. Saturday we went to Augie dogs birthday, my family I dont know they all dont seem to want to be into anything anymore everone is so dead i know everyone has kids but noone wants to do anything more I wish they would snap outta it I know they have it in them. That night it was Cindy,Sophia & Stephanies birthday so we ended up going there with our new friends there calling us to go out its cute. I had fun we went down Joaquins house and we got so drunk I was cool at the party you know I get crazy when I drink I become friends with everyone I even was friends with Karla Pins woman i saw her sitting down by herself while Pin was outside with the boys ignoring her I felt bad for her so I was like come on dance with me so we had fun I dont know when i drink as sad as it may seem I become the person I want to be, thats pretty bad I know but it helps me be more outgoing and friendly, and I know people want to be around me and one thing I learned from Nikki my cuzin is that people love to be told there beutiful im a dork yes but i was telling PIn Karlas beutiful I was like why are you out here with these boys you need to go inside and be with your woman & I was telling ERic about Ariana they probabley think im a crazy ass freaky lesbian! but people like to be told there beutiful if i cant feel good about myself at leaste I can make someone else feel good! So the for the first time in a long time I actually had fun its been a while today im feeling pretty shitty Mark is going back to LA again so im here all day by myself i hate it! im finding myself sleeping longer & longer today i got up at 2:00 all I want to do is stay in bed! i think im really losing my mind yesturday i was hallucinating thinking i heard Mark talking on the phone in the living room about 6:00 in the morning and than i keep thinking someone is going to break in and kill me! im not so much scared of ghosts being in my house but of some crazy person breaking in! I know I heard something I just feel scared ! Im supposed to call to make an appointment with a psychitratist i know I need to talk to someone that could help me.
OK enough of me this weekend were going to LA I cant wait I need to get outta here, so I know it'll be fun. Oh hey by the way you like my pix?......

So isnt this cool i finally learneed how to put pictures in this thing it isnt the picture i wanted to put in here but i wanted to see if it would work and it does technology is cool! ill probably be taking it off beecause you dont know how many wierdos there are out in the world. well its friday night and i just got done watching Evil DeaD one of my all time favorite horror movies yes im weird i like horror movies all because of mt best friend we grew up watching them when we were kids my husband hates them he was so scared when we watched 13 Ghosts he started freakin out so he was pretending to fall asleep right now. I havent really done anything just stay home this week went by so fast i practically slept it all away, i dont know ive been taking my meds for about a month now and i dont feel any better, i still depressed as ever! i dont want to go anywhere i sleep all day sometimes i dont even go outside and the sad thing is its been hot and i havent swam in over a month or so, i dont know whats wrong with me i dont feel like talking to noone not even my own mother! i feel im getting worse and im scared ever since we moved into this house thats when it started its been almost 6 months and i still cant shake these feelings im scared there never going to pass, i worry about whats going to happen to my future. Besides all this, i actually havent told anybody yet but me and Mark are trying to have a baby, maybe this is what i need in my life maybe i nee something to live for, im am so scared i never thought I would actually be ready but i am for the first time, my doctor said it would be ok for us, and i know that in mmental state i should be careful but for the first time in my life i feel like this is the right time i never in my life thought id be ready, this is me saying this ok i never even wanted kids! but i know its right! as shitty as i feel right now about myself theres just something telling me everything is going to be ok! Life gets so complicated when you get older, you start to have so many responcibilities and everything ge3ts so hard! i camt even make out my bills sometimes i feel so fucked up! I just wish everything would go back to being the way they were before, i just wish God gives me the streghnth to make it through this crazy life because i know im going to need it............

me & Nikki

so many things going on i havent had the tiem to write, let me first start off by saying i finally took everyones advice and took sometime off work, i swear work was getting to me, if i wouldnt have finally went to the doctor i would have really lost my mind! i was stressing out so bad i have never in my life felt so awful, usually i go through stages in my life were im ok. and than ill go through a big depression well im relly going through it right now, so bad i started to get sick, my doctor put me on meds and i even got the courage to tell him i was feeling depressed, so he put me on paxil, its been about 2 weeks and i dont feel any different! i still cry every night! i still feel depressed big time! i dont know whats going on with me for a long time i tried to be strong but i think everthing ive gone through in my life has finally caught up to me and i feel like im losing it! everything bothers me, everything makes me sad! i worry about work, and what my futuire going to bring me? im glad i took some time off because i know i needed it mentally and physicaly, but i think what makes me feel worse is that i feel like such a failure in life, i wanted so much to do good for myself to make something out of my life, but i feel like i failed, im week, and as strong as i tried to be i couldnt do it, and staying home makes me feel just as bad! im scared of what the future might bring me, like im never going to get over these feelings...and ill be doomed forever. i went to my doctor today again and i told him i think i need to see a phyciatrist, i need someone to talk to, some one to guide me, Mark is such a wonderful person and has been very supportive through this whole thing but, he doesnt understand what its like, i get tired of trying to explain my feelings to him all the time, i try telling him i feel like a "clown" i put on this suit when im in front of everyone, this funny, happy person, but inside im really slowly dying, im screaming at the top of my lugs and noone hears me! i just want to feel myself again, i want these feeling to pass and for things to be good again and im scared im never going to feel that way. hopefully talking to someone will make me feel better. so, so many things have happened, my bro-in law got married, finally. it went well i guess you can say, it was 3 whole days with the in laws, i dont know, not that i dont like them or anything, because i do, i feel like they dont like me because im different, Mark told me that his dad cried like a baby twice through this whole thing , i went and looked at our wedding pix and noticed that not in one picture did he even have a smile on his face, on sunday when they had the after party at my in laws house they had a trio and all kinds of stuff for them, my father in law even dance with Lulu at the wedding i dont even thing he acknowledged that i was there, he never says hi to me, or even comes in my house, thinking about it on sunday while everyone was there broke my heart, and i cried, i even started to have a anxiety attack. Why do i even care if he like me? i dont know i just do, i care too much if people like me, even my other bro-in laws boyfriend, they came down for the wedding and stayed at our house which was cool, but i kept getting the feeling he didnt like me, he kept mentioning pretty girls at the wedding and didnt even say i looke nice. i thought i looked pretty for once in my life but i looked at the pictures i took and all i saw was a fat ugly person, how could i see myself different like that, i guess i really am i ugly. well the wedding was ok accept for the fact like i dint belong there, and that she didnt want me in here wedding im gald Chata went, and the guys came down because i would have felt so uncomfortable with my new sis in laws family talking shit about me the whole night, i swear they were getting on my nerves even Isaiha was like those girls are talking shit about us while we danced. Mark had to do the darn sound practicaly all night because they were unorganized had didnt have anyone else to do it. Other tahn that My new sister in law, well lets just her dress wasnt very flattering, i wish things could be different beteween us, and i feel bad for both my husband, and bro in law, i know they want to hang out with eachother more, but they dont because of us, but im tired of always having to be the bigger person and say something, i know she probably wont ever do it but, thats how it is. oh well, ill be off work till next year i just want to get better, ill have enought time to relax and get better, even though i think about dying and suicide everyday, i dont want to feel that way anymore.i just wish God would help me and guide me through this life and tell me what it is i need to do, why am i here, i guess thats a question we all ask ourselves......

gosh its allready october 3, 04 times flies by so fst i can t even keep up, ive been going through this relly bad funk! bad!its the worse ive eve had ti go thrugh so many emoitions going through my mind thinking the only whay to end this would to just go away forever, and none knows this not even my own husband i know he sees me but doesnt at the sam etime, i fell like im hiding from the world all the time im in this clown suit trying to be funnny and happy and what people want me to be but, im literally dying inside im crying at the top of my lungs and crying!!! and noone hears me, they dont know the real me, i am literally dying!inside all these emotions im having i cant understyand them im irrational, jelous, sensetive, i feel ugly!, like nothing! why am i here i keep trying to figure out what my purpose on this life is because all i feel is heartache and pain. everyday theres noot a day that goes by that idont feel like shit, well for the opast couple days we been plnnning rene and mayra wedding , well i havent reealy planned anything i was just as clueles than anyone, anywyas, im happy for rene realy i want him to be happy he my little homie, brother, but you know theres more of an issue than that oh well, i triee to not get involved mae things worse but now were sister in laws and i really hope hat things get better between us because i know she knows and right now i think everbody knows our issues, whatever that may be....im still trying to figure it out im jusy going to go with it like nothing, im just tired of haveing to be the bigger person in this and im afarid if i say something ti offend her which i probably wil, thats why i wont, im waiting for her like eith the whole kimaya issues....well the wedding was nice if they wouldve asked for help with she didnt i coulnve done alot better, but hey, it was nice not like mines of courese, even sandrs aunt was like your wedding was alot better, i was like thanks. but today what really got me was that they had this litle party at thr nunez everyone went over they had food and his dad was like so excited mark told me that he was balling crying like twice, he looked really happy so i went and looked at out pix and noy one is there of him smiling, and that broke my heart i felt i break, i cryed, why do i care? idont know but i do, am i not good enough for his son? i felt my hert breaking like i never felt and i dint even like him , i wsawhim go and dance with lulu all happy and he wont even talk to me or look at mewhy?? i colndt hel remember if acted he sameat our wedding, and i cant in all the pix there was not one smile what does that say about me??i care too muchhalltheselite things are making me fall apart i hate my life, EVERYTHING..i see myelf totally in a diferent was as everone sees me i thought i looked good yesturday and than im looking at the pix and im like fuck im fat and ugly everybody kept saying how beutiful i was but i was whatever

August 30, 2004
Another Monday well things are going ok my best friend came in from out of town this weekend it was cool me & Mark played hooky and didn’t go to work on Friday Thursday night we went to go see the Exorcist it was cool there was some unexpected scene in there that got me pretty good, so good that I couldn’t sleep I kept seeing that ugly face all night, I felt like I was going to wake up in the night and see it staring right at me, and than I had this weird dream that Mark was waking up screaming! Have you ever thosed dreams were you cant determine whether it was a dream or reality? It was strange, but I always do this to myself I know its all in my head! Well we went to Paradise after we hadn’t been there in a long time, we only go when he comes down even though ive been meaning to take my friend George there, it was Thursday I was actually surprised there was people, we just drank a few & talked, it was cool I found it funny how he kept brining up you know “the bad experience” like nothing he kept talking about it like he was hella cool with it while im sitting there thinking to myself can we please not talk about this, im traumatized enough already but I know he knows it was his decision to do it, & I know he doesn’t blame me but I will never get over that feeling, it was almost as is if he wanted to do it again, yeh it’s the greatest feeling ever but I cant! Well Friday we ended up going to Bench & Bar I hate that place I swear I felt like I was at a Quincenera nothing they play nothing but a bunch if Mexican music which sucked! And than my stupid ass forgot to bring my ID I felt like such a dodo head I had left it in my pants pocket when we went to Paradise that night before, but I ended up getting in my bro in laws friend new the guy there, that was so funny I tried to use her ID but he hella caught me, he was” I know this is not you” “nice try” and than I was like sorry im 27 years old, and hes like “ well all you needed to do was tell me your birthday” oops… I think he was straight because he was watching me dance, and speaking of watchng someone dance I swear Mark was making me feel like shit all night! Im not one to really get jelous or anything, I think a woman Is beautiful, I don’t mind that he looks at a beautiful girl, weve been to strip clubs together, but when hes standing there all night, not wanting to dance with me because he wants to stare at a girl all night ok that’s not cool with me, I felt ugly and like shit! He thought I didn’t notice him but I did, and he tries telling me well I thought she was a man I couldn’t tell that’s why I was looking at her, WHATEVER! Eighther you’re a fag and cant tell the difference between a man and a woman or you think im stupid! He does it so sneaky, I know he loves me but I have low self esteem and I already feel like im hella ugly! Oh well! We had fun me and Beto danced and drank I got to meet Adrian’s new room mate she was cool, shes the one that ended up getting me into the club. The next day we had breakfast talked and headed on our way home, he eneded up goimg home I guess Kevin had to go on some convention in Vegas, I wish he would’ve stayed longer but I know he has to go back. We talked about a lot of things about he its funny how were friends after all this time, I guess you don’t find many people that have stayed friends for as long as we have even through all the shit weve been through together, I love him and I think that’s why I felt so funky for a while, was because I was missing me friends so much I feel so lonely sometimes, and i have friends but its not the same kind of relationship we have, I know, no relationship I have will be the same. I know he has a new life over there, and it sucks because I miss him so much and I think he feels the same way. Well Saturday we got home we didn’t do much, I slept and we stayed home and watched TV. I swear I was getting hella tired in Friday night, I couldn’t hang staying up all night, I must be getting old!

today’s August 26, 04 im barely getting to finish writing, I hate this I can never finish because im so fucken busy all the time, so ive been feeling a little bit better, Friday night we were going to go to the movies right after we had Shi Ra Soni, as we were on our way over there, I didn’t want to go anymore I saw all these people there and I didn’t feel like being around them, so we ended up going home, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time, I cant even remember what the last movie we saw was I swear! Well we went home and I cried all night, I think this is were I had my biggest break down! I was watching The Mothman prophecies in the living room while Mark watched football in the room, and I swear everything I seem to watch is so coincidental, I keep seeing all these signs everywhere, in the movie one of the characters has this dream where she drowns and dies, and she hears a voice saying wake up number 37, and it just seemed so weird to me that I keep seeing 1234 everywhere what does this mean? I see it everywhere on the clock, on signs, ill notice it all the time! I asked this Psychic that I saw one day but she didn’t seem to really know, I swear call me crazy but I know its some kind of a sign! Well anyways I find it weird, all these things keep seeing, and so as I laid there crying wanting to die, I was trying to tell Mark how I feel like inside of me im trying to Yell at the top of my lungs and I feel like noone hears me! Like no ones paying attention or cares. I know that he knows im going through something, I know he wants to help me, it just sucks that sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want to know about it, and I don’t want to burden him with my problems all the time, im afraid he’ll get tired of me always saying the same thing over and over and leave me.
Well the next day I woke up with swollen eyes, looking like shit, and I felt better than I had felt in a long time. I think I needed to get everything out! I needed to cry my eyes out I guess. That Saturday we went to Arianas 21st birthday and I felt social, I wanted to be there, I wanted to talk to people and be myself again, I even talked to my sister in law to be, even though she didn’t really talk to me back much, you know how that goes, But I felt good! And ive been feeling better ever since, even though my job sucks ass big time and it stresses me out like crazy! Im trying to take in everyday slowly as it comes, I thought about it and im like “what’s wrong with me”?? I have a brand new house, with a pool, and a hacuzzi, and I feel like shit! I don’t want anybody over, I don’t want to party! Or do anything, And I thought I should be having the time of my life right now, I should partying every weekend, taking advantage of the things I have, I have no kids yet nothing holding me back! and I haven’t taken advantage. I haven’t even been swimming in 2 weeks that’s how sad it been. I thought about all the good times we had when we first got married, we went out all the time to san Francisco and partied, all the places we used to go, when we were all young, I miss those days so much, I would give anything to be able to go back than. I guess I just miss my friends, and im having trouble accepting that im getting older and things change. When your young things seem so uncomplicated, you have no responsibilities and now that im older time seems to fly by that I dont even have a chance to sit back and enjoy it. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be but I know that I can’t, and I have to eventually accept it. I know things aren’t going to be fine and dandy all the time, but im trying, I don’t want to live my life dwelling on the stupid shit everyday, and I know that I could probably fall back into the same old feelings again, I don’t know how much longer I have here, but im trying my hardest to make this life seem worth something. I guess that’s all we can do………

August 9, 2004
I guess you can say things are ok, well not really im lying to myself I have been feeling like crap lately tired, sick, dizzy! I went to the doctor last Monday and I told him that I had epilepsy, I originally went there and told hi I had insomnia so I could get something to help me sleep but I ended up telling him that I had epilepsy so he didn’t give me anything to help me sleep, and now he wants me to do a bunch of tests Ive already been through it, and I hate that im going to have to got through it again, but the other day at work I felt it coming on again and I guess im glad I told him its coming more often that usual. So now well see what happens, saturdya I went to go get a blood test I feel like there going to call me and tell me something bad, its funny though because im hoping they let me know something is not right with me, maybe its just a chemical imbalance in my brain, I don’t know but im getting to the point were im like there has to be something wrong with me because why else do I feel so shitty all the time, I know it cant be all totally in my head! Saturday I felt like crap while mark went to Lisa’s baptism I stayed home all day and slept! I flet like such crap!, I don’t know lately I haven’t been wanting to do anything! I don’t even want anyone to come over and I fell bad because my cousin Les is calling all the time leaving me messages her & the kids want to come over but I never call her back! I feel bad that I keep dissing her but I just don’t want to talk to anybody or anything!





August 19, 04
Things are ok I guess I still feel the same, I still feel like I don’t want to go out or anything, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I guess its because im stressing out at this dam job! I applied at UOP a while back and I got A card in the mail saying that they would call me, so im hoping I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I got paid more here but I don’t, so I’m stressing out like crazy all the time! and I don’t even get paid shit! So we’ll see, well I haven’t really done anything lately I still have been feeling depressed I don’t know but I have not felt this awful in a long long time! I’m too the point were I don’t care about anything! Sometimes not even my life! I don’t want to feel this way but it succumbs me, I came home Monday and all I did was cry, I know Mark cares for me, he’s such a wonderful husband, he stayed there with me instead of going to baseball game, I just feel like he doesn’t understand how bad it, and he thinks its all in my head! I want him know, sometimes I know he thinks why cant I just brush these feelings away, but I cant! Its not that easy, I want him to read this so he knows but he won’t, I think maybe he’s scared to really find out the real me, I don’t know! Well things have been sucky, Friday Mark had that DJ job for Trisha’s mom at Arroyos I went and then Rene & Mayra got there, with there friends and I was there by myself, Trisha was doing her family thing, and I felt stupid! I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere! And i hate that I do this to myself because for a long time I was very introvert, I wouldn’t talk to people, I would be scared, I would be hella shy! And I feel like im becoming that person I don’t want to be again. I changed because I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be someone else, but now im falling back into my same old pattern like before, I feel scared again, like I don’t even know how to react around people, and I don’t want to be this person again, Im even beginning to fill like this at work too, I don’t even talk to anybody anymore. Well I go see the neurologist on the 30th maybe it’s because im feeling sick, and its all in my mind, im beginning to wish there would be something wrong with me just so that I know its not all in my head. Time is flying by so fast summers almost already over I haven’t really had anybody come over lately, Les was always calling wanting to bring the kids over but I kept dissing, that’s probably why she hasn’t called in a while, I feel bad but just the way ive been feeling I don’t want to talk to anybody or see anybody! I just want to stay home and sleep! Even on Friday at Arroyos I felt uncomfortable that I made some story up how I was feeling sick and I went home, I know they were all probably talking shit but I don’t care! I don’t care about anything!
Well today I did my first presentation in front of a whole class at work, I was so nervous I felt like I wanted to throw up and faint! I was practicing all last night but I couldn’t do it, but it actually wasn’t that bad I went up there did it and it was over! As I started talking I just flew through it so im glad, I guess I was trippin over nothing! I felt like such a dork though like George Lopez, “I went to the Orientation, because im the Team Leader”! haha, I felt pretty proud of myself even during our luncheon with the Calworks people our Executive director came up to me and congratulated me on a good job that I had done, cool huh!
today’s August 26, 04 im barely getting to finish writing, I hate this I can never finish because im so fucken busy all the time, so ive been feeling a little bit better, Friday night we were going to go to the movies right after we had Shi Ra Soni, as we were on our way over there, I didn’t want to go anymore I saw all these people there and I didn’t feel like being around them, so we ended up going home, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time, I cant even remember what the last movie we saw was I swear! Well we went home and I cried all night, I think this is were I had my biggest break down! I was watching The Mothman prophecies in the living room while Mark watched football in the room, and I swear everything I seem to watch is so coincidental, I keep seeing all these signs everywhere, in the movie one of the characters has this dream where she drowns and dies, and she hears a voice saying wake up number 37, and it just seemed so weird to me that I keep seeing 1234 everywhere what does this mean? I see it everywhere on the clock, on signs, ill notice it all the time! I asked this Psychic that I saw one day but she didn’t seem to really know, I swear call me crazy but I know its some kind of a sign! Well anyways I find it weird, all these things keep seeing, and so as I laid there crying wanting to die, I was trying to tell Mark how I feel like inside of me im trying to Yell at the top of my lungs and I feel like noone hears me! Like no ones paying attention or cares. I know that he knows im going through something, I know he wants to help me, it just sucks that sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want to know about it, and I don’t want to burden him with my problems all the time, im afraid he’ll get tired of me always saying the same thing over and over and leave me.
Well the next day I woke up with swollen eyes, looking like shit, and I felt better than I had felt in a long time. I think I needed to get everything out! I needed to cry my eyes out I guess. That Saturday we went to Arianas 21st birthday and I felt social, I wanted to be there, I wanted to talk to people and be myself again, I even talked to my sister in law to be, even though she didn’t really talk to me back much, you know how that goes, But I felt good! And ive been feeling better ever since, even though my job sucks ass big time and it stresses me out like crazy! Im trying to take in everyday slowly as it comes, I thought about it and im like “what’s wrong with me”?? I have a brand new house, with a pool, and a hacuzzi, and I feel like shit! I don’t want anybody over, I don’t want to party! Or do anything, And I thought I should be having the time of my life right now, I should partying every weekend, taking advantage of the things I have, I have no kids yet nothing holding me back! and I haven’t taken advantage. I haven’t even been swimming in 2 weeks that’s how sad it been. I thought about all the good times we had when we first got married, we went out all the time to san Francisco and partied, all the places we used to go, when we were all young, I miss those days so much, I would give anything to be able to go back than. I guess I just miss my friends, and im having trouble accepting that im getting older and things change. When your young things seem so uncomplicated, you have no responsibilities and now that im older time seems to fly by that I dont even have a chance to sit back and enjoy it. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be but I know that I can’t, and I have to eventually accept it. I know things aren’t going to be fine and dandy all the time, but im trying, I don’t want to live my life dwelling on the stupid shit everyday, and I know that I could probably fall back into the same old feelings again, I don’t know how much longer I have here, but im trying my hardest to make this life seem worth something. I guess that’s all we can do………

August 9, 2004
I guess you can say things are ok, well not really im lying to myself I have been feeling like crap lately tired, sick, dizzy! I went to the doctor last Monday and I told him that I had epilepsy, I originally went there and told hi I had insomnia so I could get something to help me sleep but I ended up telling him that I had epilepsy so he didn’t give me anything and now wants me to do a bunch of tests Ive already been through it and I hate that im going to have to got through it again, but the other day at work I felt it coming on again and I guess im glad I told him its coming more often that usual. So now well see what happens, saturdya I went to go get a blood test I feel like there going to call me and tell me something bad, its funny though because im hoping they let me know something is not right with me, maybe its just a chemical imbalance in my brain, I don’t know but im getting to the point were im like there has to be something wrong with me because why else do I feel so shitty all the time, I know it cant be all totally in my head! Saturday I felt like crap while mark went to Lisa’s baptism I stayed home all day and slept! I flet like such crap!, I don’t know lately I haven’t been wanting to do anything! I don’t even want anyone to come over and I fell bad because my cousin Les is calling all the time leaving me messages her & the kids want to come over but I never call her back! I feel bad that I keep dissing her but I just don’t want to talk to anybody or anything!





August 19, 04
Things are ok I guess I still feel the same, I still feel like I don’t want to go out or anything, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I guess its because im stressing out at this dam job! I applied at UOP a while back and I got A card in the mail saying that they would call me, so im hoping I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I got paid more here but I don’t, so I’m stressing out like crazy all the time! and I don’t even get paid shit! So we’ll see, well I haven’t really done anything lately I still have been feeling depressed I don’t know but I have not felt this awful in a long long time! I’m too the point were I don’t care about anything! Sometimes not even my life! I don’t want to feel this way but it succumbs me, I came home Monday and all I did was cry, I know Mark cares for me, he’s such a wonderful husband, he stayed there with me instead of going to baseball game, I just feel like he doesn’t understand how bad it, and he thinks its all in my head! I want him know, sometimes I know he thinks why cant I just brush these feelings away, but I cant! Its not that easy, I want him to read this so he knows but he won’t, I think maybe he’s scared to really find out the real me, I don’t know! Well things have been sucky, Friday Mark had that DJ job for Trisha’s mom at Arroyos I went and then Rene & Mayra got there, with there friends and I was there by myself, Trisha was doing her family thing, and I felt stupid! I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere! And i hate that I do this to myself because for a long time I was very introvert, I wouldn’t talk to people, I would be scared, I would be hella shy! And I feel like im becoming that person I don’t want to be again. I changed because I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be someone else, but now im falling back into my same old pattern like before, I feel scared again, like I don’t even know how to react around people, and I don’t want to be this person again, Im even beginning to fill like this at work too, I don’t even talk to anybody anymore. Well I go see the neurologist on the 30th maybe it’s because im feeling sick, and its all in my mind, im beginning to wish there would be something wrong with me just so that I know its not all in my head. Time is flying by so fast summers almost already over I haven’t really had anybody come over lately, Les was always calling wanting to bring the kids over but I kept dissing, that’s probably why she hasn’t called in a while, I feel bad but just the way ive been feeling I don’t want to talk to anybody or see anybody! I just want to stay home and sleep! Even on Friday at Arroyos I felt uncomfortable that I made some story up how I was feeling sick and I went home, I know they were all probably talking shit but I don’t care! I don’t care about anything!
Well today I did my first presentation in front of a whole class at work, I was so nervous I felt like I wanted to throw up and faint! I was practicing all last night but I couldn’t do it, but it actually wasn’t that bad I went up there did it and it was over! As I started talking I just flew through it so im glad, I guess I was trippin over nothing! I felt like such a dork though like George Lopez, “I went to the Orientation, because im the Team Leader”! haha
well this weekend was ok, friday wasnt so good ive been feeling like shit im trying ti shake these feelings off

July 27, 2004

I had another bad, bad night it seems like every night gets worse for me I feel like im getting less and less sleep, im going to lose my mind pretty soon, I have a doctors appt. next week so hopefully he can give me something and help me. Last night I couldn’t sleep for shit! My back was hurting I kept tossing and turning all night, and than when I did fall asleep I had this weird dream ……
It started like this, I was driving in my car leaving, Leslie was with me we were pulling out of a parking lot, on a really bumpy road, and there were these kids getting out of school, they were walking right behind my car, I was in the way so they were hitting my car, telling me to hurry up. I got mad turned around and started yelling at them. So they went to go get there friends which were a bunch of older guys. I remember a bunch of houses, we were trying to hide so we were running and hiding in these houses! I remember Cammille and Bianca being there, my aunt Irene. All these men were mad and after me. I can hear someone telling me something, I walked in to this room it was all black and I can see someone there, but he had a mask on like those Mexican wrestler masks, I couldn’t see his face but he was whispering to me
“Spontaneous kindness” so I started to be nice to everyone and it all turned around, like everyone was nice to me they weren’t after me anymore. There was this party outside balloons, decorations, and I can see a parade coming down from the road. There were a bunch of people holding up a person with a mask on, he was someone pretty important like a high priest, and when they got to the stage he got up and went to this podium and took his mask off and it was Art Cordero, and he was saying how in his life he did all these things to help people and he said he did it with “sub sequential kindness” just do things for people out of the kindness of his heart and for no reason. And I new this is what I was supposed to do. And I felt happy about it. I started running and I started flying in the air I was holding on to these balloons flying in the air. And than I woke up.
It was really weird I couldn’t sleep all night and than I had this weird dream, maybe it’s a sign, and he’s telling me what I need to do. I don’t know what’s going on with me I feel so out of it, all I want to do is rest, I cant concentrate on anything im here at work its about 10:00 and I feel so out of it! Im feeling cranky! I don’t know what to do! Im worried about my dad he’s in the hospital again for like the hundredth time, I guess were the same we both don’t listen.

July 13, 2004
Well it’s been about 9 months since I last blacked out! It’s weird how I just saw that movie “The Butterfly Effect” and how the same thing in the movie happens, & than it happens to me, and at the worst possible time, while I was swimming in the pool, i just Thank God Mark was there with me because I probably would’ve drowned! I know now I need to be careful, im even scared and I usually don’t care. I know when it’s going to happen because I get this sense of like a De Ja Vu I felt it coming so I yelled out to him to help me out but it was too late, I passed out on the steps! it was strange though usually when it happens I totally black out not remembering anything, but I think because I was in water It helped me to be conscious, still I felt like I was in a daze, I couldn’t move, like my body went numb! I feel so bad I know I scared the crap outta Mark I can hear him yelling at me calling my name but I couldn’t respond! Im ok though. Well right before it happened I was telling him about how I was stressing at work & feeling tired because I haven’t been sleeping good, and that’s probably why it happened. I tried to explain to him that material things are not what make me happy, I have everything I could possibly want but I still feel empty.

The other day were at Tower Records and I was looking at Kurt Cobains diary, so I thought about it and I know im not famous or anything, but I was telling him how I should look into publishing my journals, I would call it “My Diary” “Inside the mind of a manic depressive” I’ve been writing for years & in here for a little over a year & I guess these blogs are becoming pretty popular, I sometimes read other peoples, I just wonder if anyone read mines, and what do they think of me? Do they think im crazy or do they relate? I know there’s got to be someone out there that can relate to me, I saw it on an infomercial one night when I couldn’t sleep, so I know im not the only one. I always said to myself I wish I could just step outside of myself and see me the way everyone else does. What would I really look like? I try to make myself be a better person, when I was with my ex he made this person I hated! And now that were not together, I don’t want to be that person I used to be! I was listening to the radio the other day, and they were talking about how these young girls are cutting themselves (scarification) and i used to do that when I was there age, I thought I was the only one who did that shit! I guess I wasn’t the only one who went through it and had those feelings; I don’t want to feel this way forever! So I try to make myself be more happy by being more social, or funny, or friendly or whatever but Mark will tell me im too shy, and that people see my attitude and it makes me feel like they don’t like me, his family for example! and that makes me feel shitty because I want people to like me, I don’t want to be that introverted person that no one likes again! I don’t think I am! I think ive come along way; Its just hard trying to be someone different on the outside than what your really feeling on the inside, no one knows the real me! It’s like a clown costume I put on everyday, trying to make everyone laugh and smile, but really on the inside I feel like im slowly dying! Well ive been trying to get my husband to read all my journals for the longest so that he really knows how I feel and for some reason he don’t want to, I feel like not even my own husband knows me, I don’t know what his reasons are, maybe he’s scared to know, sometime I feel like he thinks im making it all up and im being a big ole drama queen & I do want him to think that of me because its not true! These feeling I have are real no matter what I do or try to get rid of them I can’t. I keep telling myself I know I need help, but I cant get myself to do anything about it, in some way I think writing makes me feel better, I want other to people to know that they’re not the only ones going through it, and if I can help them or we can help each other, I would love that, but than again I am no one! And who would want to know or read about me, I guess life Is all about having hopes & dreams, I guess that’s what keeps us going, maybe mines will come true someday!......and everything will be all right!

July 8, 2004 Another rough night! I swear I don’t know how much more I can take of this I have such an awful time sleeping, sometimes I sleep good and most of the time I toss and turn all night, like last night. I don’t know what to do ive been taking this medicine that’s been helping from the doctor but last night I took it and it still couldn’t sleep! I just feel like im getting sleep deprivation and im going to lose it one of these days, everyday gets harder and harder…
Well besides that things are ok, me & Mark went and bought a movie last night the one with Ashton Kutcher, “The butterfly affect” it was pretty good, strange, and somewhat very coincidental, I know I shouldn’t take these movies so literal but this was so weird that I started to cry, it made me really think about my life and why im here. I always had this thing were I felt like I was on this earth for a reason, I had this dream along time ago were I was outside looking up at the sky and God came to me and said that I was supposed to fulfill some sort of deed for him I can remember seeing him and everything, but in my dream I couldn’t figure out what it was he wanted me to do, and I still feel like that I cant figure out why im here….my aunt she does numerology you know like a psychic, and well one day we were at her house and she was telling us how she new when her brother was going to die and all this stuff, and she telling me how some people aren’t meant to be on this earth, she gave me this strange look, & I got this very eerie feeling, like she was talking to me. Since both of my parents are mentally disabled my mother wasn’t actually supposed to have kids, & so I guess you can say I was sort of a miracle baby. Just like I the movie he went to a psychic and she told him the exact thing. Well the movie is about a guy who has these blackouts, he can’t remember anything when it happens, so he reads these journals that he’s been writing in for years (like I have) & he starts remembering what happened when he blacked out, so he tries to go back in time and fix everything, but every time he goes back in time he ends up messing up things even worse. The coincidences in the movie were to weird, he was molested when he was a kid, I have blackouts, I think im not meant to be here, I feel like these little things keep popping in my everyday life, whether in dreams or in movies or whatever, but they seem like there all signs trying to tell me something, the same thing with the whole Marilyn Monroe story. Call me crazy but I know im right and it scares me to death! And than as I was getting my clothes ready last night it hit me, I passed up my chance! My chance to make a difference, to change things. I had this dream the other night that my aunt had planned this trip to Africa and I was supposed to go and help out over there, but as they were leaving, I wasn’t ready, I made all kinds of excuses why not to go, I wasn’t packed, I didn’t take time off work, blah blah and I new that I had passed up my chance, and I feel like I really did pass it up. Do you ever have dreams that you know your dreaming, you can do anything want and it wont matter because you know it’s not real? Well when we were kids we were outside playing one day slip and slide we were ghetto south side kids so we made our own out of a tarp, you know put some water on it, and soap a there you go well, I remember running down it falling and hitting my head hella hard that I passed out, and its strange but ever since that day I feel like ive been dreaming, like I know this life isn’t real, almost like in my dreams, like I could do anything and it wont matter! I feel like im going to wake up one day and it’s still going to be that same day. When I was young I never saw myself living pass the age of 27 I don’t like to tell anyone but it’s just something ive always felt, I guess that’s why now that im 27 everything just seems weird and coincidental. Like all these signs keep coming up, and the whole thing with the numbers 1234, I keep seeing them everywhere ill happen to look at the clock and it’ll be 12:34, ill look up at a sign & it’ll be
461-1234, I’ll look on a piece of paper and its there! Mark says im looking for it but I don’t I swear! I don’t know life is scary! One day you can be here and the next your not. What would you do if you knew you were going to die on a certain day? Would you go out & let it happen? Or would you stay home & hide from death? I guess all our lives are all written in Gods hands and whatever happens, Happens…….

June 28, 04
So we finally moved to our new home at work, its ugly, its scary, and it stinks, and most of all I hate it! I miss our old place, it was nice, right by the water and especially where all my friends are at… oh well that’s life I guess. So im not good with change I’ll just have to get used to it. Well things are ok, besides all the drama at work, Saturday was Mark’s cousin Alex’s wedding it was ok, we didn’t go to the church but I heard it was all fucked up, and how his own sister kept creating drama, I guess because they were all were used to the other girlfriend, that they haven’t really given her a chance yet, I can see how it is when they don’t like the wife….well we went to the reception after and it was fun Sabrina & Joaquin were there, They are a trip, they out do us now! I really like them were both the same. I like hanging out with them, better than anyone else. She talks to me. She gets all crazy like I do. So we danced and drank and than I started to get tired, my medication started to kick in, I couldn’t even hang anymore, I was ready to pass out, so we ended up going home early.
Sunday his family came over and went swimming, it was cool, but sometimes I just like to chill at home by ourselves, I should have known better to get a pool, I don’t know I have mixed emotions about it now, I like it just for us to go swimming, but now everyone and there mama want to come over you know how that is.
Well yesterday I was home by myself while Mark went to play baseball, I was watching this special on Marilyn Monroe, you know how I LOVE her, well they were talking about her death how they have this theory on how they think she committed suicide, In my opinion I think she accidentally overdosed, I could see how that could have happened, well they were saying how she was severely depressed, she had anxiety problems was scared all the time, she had low self esteem, and insomnia, it was so weird, how much we had in common. Everything they said about her I I kept saying to myself, me too! They were saying how she had insomnia and how she couldn’t sleep at night because she had bad anxiety, and she would take hella medication to help her sleep, and then in the morning, she would take shit to help her wake up, well who does that sound like? And as I was listening to everything they were saying about her, and how much of a coincidence everything was between her and I, I started to get a little scared and I thought to myself, is that what is going to become of me? I do the exact same thing she did. But I never thought of myself as a drug addict, I guess I can’t admit it to myself, and I can’t stop! It’s an addiction that I don’t think ill ever get over, and it scares me! Sometimes I feel just the same as she did, like life totally sucks and I don’t care if I live or die! Everyday is a struggle for me! But I guess as bad as I think things are I can say im not as weak as her, as much as I hate everything sometimes I still try and go on... I think if I didn’t have Mark I would probably lose my mind. He’s what keeps me going and I think for her, she was just very lonely…and that’s probably why she was so depressed. Its hard people don’t understand what its like for us, and I don’t think they ever will……

June 24, 2004
Today is my last day here at work, were moving tomorrow to our new shitty ass, crack whore, disease infested home by the train racks, yep my job was to fucken cheap to pay our rent here after being here for almost 20 years, so now they’re like were just going to have move you all to a little corner whole in the wall in shit land! This so sucks big time! I don’t want to move I like it here, I have my friends here, no more George and Karla, im sooo sad! And yeh even no more Andy! Its going to be so weird not seeing them everyday. I’m used to them, we’ve been together for almost 31/2 years, ive grown close to them, if it weren’t for me, George would have never came out of the closet or in his case we wouldn’t have thrown him out! And Karla I made a good friend, even though she’s flaky and goofy! She was the only one who befriended me in the beginning; we clicked like we had known each other forever. So now im forced to hang out with Michelle when she decides to come to work. I like her don’t get me wrong but its not going to be the same. Things will be weird. And of course no more Joel by boss! My savior! He guided me into the light haha! But he did, he taught me a lot! Even though we didn’t agree on lot of things. It sucks that he’s not going with us, hes the one that brought intake to life and showed me everything. Now we have some new lady who thinks her shit don’t smell like booboo, she thinks Intake is gong to be a piece of cake, but little does she know that it’s a whole cake and than some. So today is sad, lunch time was weird, we just sat there like we didn’t know what to say to each other, it was awkward, but I know they’re going to miss me, just like I’ll miss them.
Well I had my first client yesterday im finally a caseworker which means I have to keep my own cases now. It’s difficult but not unbearable. I swear sometimes I feel like Tye in Clueless im like huh?????? Im just glad my friend went with me yesterday or else I would’ve been screwed, and lost! But we’ll see how it goes before I start looking for another job…. Well im almost over dosed yesterday no kidding ive been taking some medication I got off the internet, sleeping medicine because I have insomnia!!! I thought Id try it, its been all over the TV. So it works! The only thing that actually works for me, and ive tried everything, believe me, Vicodin, Tylenol PM, stuff!!!... and so I was reading the label on the side effects, and it said all this shit like blurred vision, sleepiness, blah blah and than it said if you overdose you might not wake up im like ok. So I took one last night and I swear I think I was over dosing, I took it with something else which I shouldn’t have done and I swear I couldn’t even stand up I was falling all over the place. I was seeing 3 of everything, I was trippin big time and than I passed out! Scary! so no more taking it with other stuff, I don’t learn im surprised I haven’t killed myself yet, I know I say it like nothing, I love life but I got issues! I swear my body is so messed up, I need shit to keep me up and go to sleep. What am I going to do? whelp I have so much to do still its not even funny were moving and I refuse to leave so I haven t even packed up all my shit, sooooo until next time I better get back to work…..

June 15, 2004 Happy Anniversary! It’s been 3 years already shit I swear time flew by hella fast! It’s been cool though I still love him more than I ever have! Marriage life is good, he treats me good, loves me! Helps me out, I know he’s not perfect nor am I, and it is hard sometimes we argue, he acts like a kid most of the time and that gets me mad, but I guess that’s why I fell in love with him. Because he makes me laugh. I can’t imagine myself with any other person. But no one said marriage is easy yeh we have our fights and he gets on my nerves but hey life isn’t perfect right? We love each other and that’s all that matters. So I suck at buying gifts, I couldn’t figure out what the hell to buy him so he had mentioned a tattoo gift certificate and so that we he got little did I get the hint that it was a joke so now he has to get one, I think he’s just really scared to get one and don’t want to admit it. See that’s how you know someone loves you when they do things they really don’t want to do! Well he hasn’t gotten it yet but hes still trying to come up with ideas. Well my husband is goofy, he got me a pix that said “id marry you again” I guess it’s the thought that counts which I really don’t care, I didn’t want anything anyway. So I forgot to mention we went to see Madonna he bought me tickets for my birthday! That was cool on our anniversary we saw her how cool is that? It was fun a bunch of gay guys of course! Her show was cool not as a big stage show as usual, more singing and dancing I likeded it haha! She sang a lot of her old songs remixed it was cool! I was afraid our seats were going to suck but they actually weren’t too bad we were closer than last time. Well that Friday after we played hooky and went to Santa Cruz with his friend Pete from work I was like great we have to celebrate our anniversary with his obnoxious friend but it actually wasn’t that bad we didn’t hang out with them the whole time! So it was ok, Santa Cruz although isn’t as fun as it used to be, its more like the fair! But it was cool to just get away. Well things are cool not much going on, im feeling better sometimes Tuesdays still suck! I just cannot get used to him being gone like today ill be by myself again I wish he would stop going but he supposingly likes it. As for me I wont sleep all night wich really sucks cuz than I have to come 6to work feeling like shit on Wednesday. Well I got this medication on the internet Ambien its to help me sleep, and it really works shit in a half hour im about to pass out. So we’ll see tonight. Well we move pretty soon here at work and that’s going to suck big time! I so don’t want to!! They’re moving us to some funky ass ghetto place when everyone else gets to stay in luxury and im leaving my friends behind I wouldn’t mind so much if they were going but now I gotta hang out with Michelle, Nisha and Summer not that it’s a bad thing, I like them a lot but im going to miss George and Karla they’re my homies! Karla took me in as a friend from the beginning, more than Elva did! It was weird some people you just click with and we just happened to click! I think because were both goofy in a weird way, and George we clicked because I was the first to throw his ass outta the closet haha! So yeh its sucks! Its going to be weird going to work everyday in a new place without them! I hate change! It really sucks! Well this weekend Yesenia is coming down, she hasn’t saw our house yet so I need to go clean and Gabe’s wedding is this Saturday so that’ll be interesting I haven’t heard anything about it, so im wondering how its going to be? I don’t know who coming out in it ? or anything oh well! So Sunday Yesi wants to have a bar-b-que at our house and go swimming its cool, it just now which I new was goin to happen! Everyone wants to come over all the time, of course to go swimming! I swear I have to not answer the phone sometimes on the weekend im like “im not here”!! it’s a hassle im kinda wishing we didn’t get one now! Sometimes I just want to stay at home and not have people over, but everybody’s always calling! Im surprised actually his brother doesn’t come over that much which we all know the reason for that! Oh well allrighty I guess I better do some work im a caseworker now can you believe that and I got a raise its better than before but not great!

June 4, 2004
So ive been on this new quest to find out who I am and why im here you know this whole religious quest, well ive been reading this book that my boss gave me, and so im reading it and im thinking to myself what happens if I don’t agree with what the bible says? Does this mean im going against God and im going to go to hell? See I have this philosophy about God I think God is a loving God, a forgiving God, a no limits God! Like a parent who loves you unconditionally! Im not perfect and even though ive been recently “saved” I know that im never going to be perfect ill probably live in sin for the rest of my life even though I love God with all my heart and would die for him. I know that ill never be sinless. See saved people, or really religious people think that if you’re not saved that your not going to heaven, and I don’t believe that for a second, im not really religious I grew up in a catholic family went to catholic school for almost 7 years, and I still don’t agree with what the catholic church says, but what I wonder is what about other people that aren’t religious? What about people that don’t even believe in God? What happens to them? I have all these questions and no answers, so I got into this conversation with my boss yesterday he’s really religious goes by everything that is written in the bible like its right and everybody that doesn’t believe is wrong! See, I see it like this, this “book” was written thousands and thousands of years ago by regular people who claim they heard the word of God and yeh I believe most of it because some of it is a scientifically proven, but things have changed from those days, its like people only want to go by only what applies to them. To me there all hypocrites! I think hes contradicting himself, like for example it says that were supposed to marry our cousins, do we do that now? No! why? because times have changed. And it also says that homosexuals are living in sin, and its ok for them to say that because it was written by some apostle that claims he heard God say that. Times have changed, of course it’s not “right” now a days to marry your cousin, you see what im getting at? In the big picture I strongly believe that as long as we live a righteous life, God will judge us accordingly! No matter who we are or how we choose to live our lives. I would hope that this is the God that I love with all my heart, I hope and strongly believe that he is forgiving and loves us no matter what, or why else would he have sent his son on earth to be persecuted for us? Because he knows were not perfect and will live in sin. It’s hard to make someone like him see things like I do. I think people like him are afraid! I think they need these guide lines or these so called rules of the bible, because there scared and need something to make them feel better about them self like there right and were all wrong! But they don’t see that you’re not supposed to take it so literally! I almost feel sorry for them like there missing out on a lot of things in life. Missing out on relationships with a lot of beautiful people, even if they are gay or whatever. I asked him “do you know anybody that is gay”? And he told me no, but he had acquaintances that were gay, see people like him that don’t know anybody, its hard for them to look past the fact that there gay, they see homosexuality as “sexually active, promiscuous people” like they stereotype them. Just the same way a racist person stereotypes blacks or Mexicans as only welfare receiving, stealing ghetto people, and were not all like that! There hypocrites to only live by what they think suites them, if your going to live exactly by what the bible says than do so! Marry your cousin, don’t have premarital sex, and don’t use birth control. How can you condemn something you know nothing about? What makes them so much better than anyone else? So what my last words to everyone is “God is love” we all believe in a higher power no matter if hes Mohammad or Buddha or what, if we all live a virtuous life and believe, God will judge us and none else should have the right to do so.

May 19, 2004

Merry un-Birthday to me! Gosh how time flies I remember writing in here last birthday. I am so getting old I just noticed another wrinkle under my eye, I need botox! This birthday is extra bad for me, I turned 27! THE YEAR! I know I sound crazy but I have always seen this year as the year! SO its kinda scary I feel like I need to do things now, I don’t know we’ll just have to see what happens. So we had our first party in our new house it was Marks 30th birthday so we invited everyone over and it turned out cool everyone had a good time I hope, I know I did! And yes of course you know me I got drunk like usual Mark gets mad at me, he sez I act to crazy! When did he notice that? Ive always been crazy!!!!! But he got really mad this time, im not the one his cousin and his wife were just the same! But I know I do get out of control sometime I admit it! But hey its all in good fun! Even though I don’t remember everything, I remember falling on top of the fireplace outside! I burned my hand but It didn’t hurt than haha! Yeh he’s right I do get ooc! I need to calm myself. But it was fun, Beto came down my bro in law my friends from work, and some of his family, they liked our house. We worked so hard to get everything done before than we just got like the hallway to do, you know me I cant stand white walls! It’s just now I can relax and not worry about deadlines. Im getting used to my house now it feels more like im home now, even though I still cant get used to Mark leaving to LA I hate it I cant sleep when hes gone I get paranoid! I don’t know lately ive been feeling better emotionally that is, besides all the funerals we’ve been going to and I just found out my friends sisiter might have breast cancer I swear its like all this bad stuff is happening in the world! War! Its like why cant everybody just be happy why does there have to be so much pain and suffering in this world it gets to me seeing shit on the TV all the time. But besides all that ive just been feeling tired I feel physically drained I don’t sleep good, so im tired all the time I’ve tried taking everything from bad stuff!! To ephedra, red bull blah blah and nothing seem to work I swear I feel like im going to physically fall apart one day I don’t know how much I can take it. My friend went to see this herbal doctor hes Japanese he gave her all these herbal medications to take for energy and stuff, I want to go see him because I feel like im falling apart I have no energy to do anything anymore. Well allrighty gots to get back to work when I take time off its like hell coming back!!!!!!