December 30, 2004
I don’t even know where to start I haven’t written anything in such a while, and that’s because so many things in my life are happening I don’t even know where to begin. Well ever since we’ve moved into this house as I have been saying all this time, I haven’t been feeling really good about myself my job started to get stressful, I started to get seizures, and I felt like my body was going to shut down, so than I finally took time off work to relax and that’s when I started to fall into this deep depression! I don’t know its been this whole year, all kinds of shitty things happened! Withe whole Beto issue and, I know staying home alone in this house didn’t help any and I keep trying to tell myself that but, I cant seem to get out of this funk, I feel so trapped here. Well I guess you can say it all really started at Thanksgiving time that’s when everything stared to hit me hard Yesenia was staying over and that was cool, but I was taking my new medication for my seizures and my depression and you know how it is waking up early in the morning during the holidays to go over moms for breakfast, but I swear everything we did during that time is such a blur to me, waking up in the morning, going to Best Buy after the Thanksgiving sale I cant remember anything I feel like everything I have done over the past few months have been just a dream I don’t know what to feel right now, I have so many questions and no answers, but my main question to myself right now is “Am I going Crazy”??!! I feel like I am totally and utterly losing my mind! I sometimes cant distinguish between reality and my dream world anymore, I used to say that my dream world was like another world to me a wonderful one where i was powerful and can do anything i wanted to do in them, but now there all nightmares because, I cant figure out which is which?! Well we’ve been hanging out with Sabrina And Joaquin for a while now and I really do think that certain people come into your life for a reason and ever since the beginning we all kinda just clicked and every weekend we whave been doing things going to the movies, drinking and getting crazy! And as I vaguely remember, it was a Sunday night we were at there house, I was drinking a lot and when we got home Marco went to sleep and I remember sorta what I did, I just don’t know why? I guess you can say I was like a time bomb ready to go off!!! All these feelings and emotions Ive been having over the past year and a half and my whole life, finally caught up to me and, they say when your drunk your the bravest and I was! And I finally did it, I tried to kill myself!! I remember taking turbo outside chasing after him falling all over the place, im actually surprised that what I thought was my destiny to die by drowning didn’t actually happen, because I was running right by our pool I could’ve fallen in at any time but I didn’t! I remember also banging my head against the wall over and over! Going inside the house cutting my wrists up with a broken glass and taking a bunch of Valium and sleeping pills! and Wishing that I would die! The next morning is all a blur to me I don’t remember anything Marco says when he came home I was like a zombie and I had showed him everything I had done to myself, I had a black eye and cuts all over my wrists, I guess I was crying like crazy because my DR., Dr. Wu admitted me right away to a mental hospital I was like girl Interrupted, I have never in my whole life been so scared of anything it was a very horrible place to be all of us like zombies drugged up, a girl in the next room trying to hang herself with a sheet! All I wanted to do there was sleep and go home! And now that im home and alone again, its after X-mas, im scared, so scared that its going to happen again. I sometimes think maybe that’s were I need to be, because im so afraid of what’s going to happen to me in the future. Everything is so scary to me right now I feel like im breaking into little pieces and no one or nothing can put me back together again.
While I was in there I was so afraid and I didn’t want no one to know, the only ones that new were Marcos side of the family, Chata and Beto I didn’t want to tell my family or my grandma because I was so scared of hurting her she’s my everything! But at the same time I new I needed her! Its weird how everything works, how life works I was only there 3 days and it changed my whole life around, after I came out I cried and cried and all the shit that was going on inside my head, and still is, yeh I keep having these Night Terrors, I keep seeing things, im hallucinating, I keep thinking my house is haunted, or that I have some kinda brain tumor, but in a weird way it also brought my family together and Marcos family closer. That next couple of days later I told Mark that I needed to seek God so went to St. Georges and I got on my knees and cried I felt like Jesus, like I had tooken in everyone’s pain and suffering into me! And I wanted to take away all of Jesus’ pain for him ive always believed in God and I know committing suicide I will go to hell, and of course I don’t want that, and I don’t want to hurt anyone especially Marco I love him with every little piece of my body and soul, he has been wonderful just like an angel sent down from heaven. I can’t imagine what I have put him through and im sorry to him for that! After that I went and told my grandma everything accept the part of me being in a mental hospital I didn’t want to worry her too much, but I did tell her that I had been in a hospital for my seizures and how id been feeling, and that day was like a relief to me, I felt me burdens lifted, I love her too much and I didn’t want to hurt her but I at the same time need her so much. And that made me feel good.
A couple of days later I fell back into again everyone was at my house my family, his family I was so out of it, I think if they wouldnt have been there I probably would’ve tried to kill myself again, but my aunt Irene was there praying for me along with everyone else, and yet I wanted everyone to leave, like this little voice in my head was saying don’t listen to them like a demon and I just cried and cried. My family has been getting closer weve been doing prayer meeting every Wednesdays I wish more of them would come. I see Nikki and Leslie and they hurt me just knowing what happened to Beto could possibly happen to them I know there in this whole different world right now, the same way I am too, but to be around them hurts me because I cant lose someone knowing again that I could have possibly have contributed to it, like when Nikki asked me for some drugs before all this and It felt so wrong to me, I just wish they would open up there eyes and see me, and see what is really happening, to me and that its hapening for a reason.
A couple of days or so later Marks family and I went to dinner at of course Cancun and we were all talking about God and love, and I finally got to hear those words that I had so been longing to hear from Marcos dad, and that was, that he loved me and he finally told everyone else that he loved them too, so in a weird way it was like what i was going through brought us all together and that made me feel so good I cried.
At our little prayer meetings we’ve been having, I ve been actually getting closer to Betty I never thought that would happen, but she has been here for me like I never thought, I opened up to her and told her everything! Everything I saw when I was young, how I felt about Marks dad, Mayra, about after the wedding and she was a good listener, I guess that’s why we all opened up at Cancun that night, she probably went and told Marks dad how I felt and I don’t care im glad she did, knowing that he was able to say what everyone wanted to hear for a lomg time.

We had a surprise party about a month or so ago for Bianca it was fun everyone actually showed up Marks side,I of course got wild and crazy and drank too much I think this was actually a little after I had gotten out of the hospitol I cant really recall the sequence of all these times but I know it was before X-Mas, anyways,as I was saying I got drunk we all had fun everyone was here even Gabriel, and Alex and there wives, you know when we throw parties there off the hook everyone hasa good time even,George hooked up with someone but that’s another story, well I guess mixing alcohol and drugs wasn’t a good idea because a little after everyone left I tried to kill myself again!!! I wanted to jump into our pool and drown myself it took Joaquin and everyone else to hold me down! And the whole time all I could think about was Leslie and Nikki and knowing what they were doing and knowing if something happened to them I couldn’t live with myself, why??? I don’t know I just wish they would stop!I could see it all on there face what there doing ive been down that same road… Well Sabrina and Joaquin stayed with me and took care of me and im thankful to them they know what ive been going through weveold them and weve been going to church with them and theve been really good frineds to us.
Gosh everything that I have been going through, there’s so much for me to talk about, Marcos uncle Ruben past a way also about two weeks ago, we had seen him in the DMV a week before that and he looked good to me I didn’t feel like he was going to go anytime soon and than that next week we heard that he was on his death bed and so we went to go see him,and I wanted to see him too, as he layed on the bed with his family around him crying, i felt so bad, I didn’t really get the chance to know him very well, I had talked to him every now and than but I sat there and cried my eyes out because this poor man wanted to live and his family wanted him to live but me I was there had almost killed myself not caring about myself, or how it would had affected anyone, I wanted so much to trade places with him I would had took his place at that time if could, and I felt so bad for his family, Sam, tato, Charito….
I don’t know know I feel like ive been searching for answers as to why I feel like this searching with doctors and nuerologists, therapy, psychotherpy, and now God i just want to go back to being the same me again, i know ill pm probaby be a long way down that road but right now all i can do is take one step at a time and thats what im doing.....