December 15, 2003

Today is going ok earlier we went and volunteered at St Mary’s dining hall it was cool this is the 3rd time ive done it, it makes me feel good going and helping out over there I know I should go and do it more often instead of once a year, but its sad too there’s a lot of people with children that go there its really sad that they have nothing. Well my weekend was boring this whole fricken year has sucked I think because of the whole Chata incident we didn’t really club or do much this year not like last year, well im going to make sure that 2004 will be a better year so we finally are going to do it, were going to buy another house we’ve been thinking about it for a while now and since everything is so cheap and interest rates are low, and we don’t have any kids I figured we do it now so my best friend Beto is going to help us he said he’s help us with closing costs and help us refinance so its scary I was trippin at first “what if we cant find anybody?� “what if we cant afford it� but were going to refinance at 3% and so it’ll bring our mortgage down to 480.00 and so we can rent it out make a profit at renting it at 1100.00 and put the rest on our other house its exciting but scary. Im ready we didn’t really plan on living in or house for too long anyways, just all the work we put into it that’s what kinda sucks but oh well it’ll but fun working on our new house, so Mark sez are you going to be strong enough and yeh I know there’s haters shit my family didn’t even want to come visit us when we first moved in, but oh well I need to do what is right for me now and not worry about what others think im tires of living my life for others, this is my time now and I need to do what is right for me. Hell I never thought id be where I am now I never went to school so I guess I didn’t do so bad, no really I thank god for what I have now and I really don’t think id be where I am now without Mark, he is truly my Angel! Sounds corny huh? But its true. Well Friday we had our X-mas lunch at work we went to Le Bistros it was ok they didn’t have an open bar though so you know Michelle went and got a little something, somethin and we had fun well you know all my drama that ive been having here well my boss called me into his office on Friday and was like I never mentioned her name right I was like no why? Well apparently she went to management and mentioned to them that he had told me it was her and now because of that no one talks to her im like no he didn’t even need to tell me it was her I already new well so now she saying its uncomfortable work environment and blah blah I new this was going to happen but he’s scared now im like im not going to say you told me so don’t be scared well I never told anyone to stop talking to her they did it because they know what kind of person she is well I feel bad for her I really do but I didn’t do it she did it to me. So that’s my drama. Anyways one more week and than I go on vacation I cant believe it than itll be New Years we still don’t even have any plans I guess well just see so until than asta…

Happy Thanksgiving! Boy how that flew by. I had an ok Thanksgiving we went down grandmas first Mark kept rushing me to go down his moms and that was kind of upsetting me because for 2 years we went down his sisters house in San Diego and I had to miss Thanksgiving with my family so the least he could do was kick it with me for a while without complaining you know, but he still was ready to leave, and than when we got there no one was doing anything just sitting there watching TV it was pretty boring usually his family is the more funner one my family just sits there saying nothing but it was cool Fed and Cammille had there sars masks on that was pretty funny they have allergies around my grandmas cat. We used to be so close at a time but now we talk but its not the same they hardly come visit us anymore. They are actually finally getting an apartment after hella long I don’t know how they stayed in his moms house so long id be like we need to get out! But yeh finally there getting there own apartment we’ll see how that goes, you know there always in competition w/ us. So anyways thanksgiving night I wanted to have an after part but no one wanted to do anything its like everybody’s old now and don’t want to do shit anymore what’s up with that? I think I just need to get new friends. Yeh were losers we don’t have any friends, it’s just me Mark and Turbo ive become what I said I wouldn’t! Well anyways my weekend was ok we got up early Friday to go shopping We bought a TV for 99$ two DVD’s for 19.99 each cool huh yeh we shopped like crazy, it was cool I couldn’t believe how many people there was at 6 o clock in the morning. So that night we all kicked it at my house drank it was cool, I miss my homies we don’t hang out as much anymore well of course because they’ve all moved away. Saturday get this shit we went down Marks aunt cuz it was Manuel’s birthday, and we got there kinda early so me, Augie and his uncle Frank all smoked I was trippin it was hella funny I was like oh my god I new he smoked but I never thought id actually smoke with him he was cool about it, he was like everybody does it so I was like ok. Well this is weird and I never thought id say this but I think I actually am ready to start a family everybody kept telling me wait till your older you’ll want one and I was like no no! but im thinking I don’t know if I want one because im lonely or because im really ready and its weird now that I want one, Mark doesn’t ive been having issues he makes me feel like Im not going to be a good mother that’s why he doesn’t want to have one with me. Lately he’s been treating me like im worthless like im not a good wife like he’ll ask me to do something but, will I know your not going to do it. Like he expects me to be a bad wife because im not traditional like some others, I don’t cook, or serve him, or wait on him hand and foot that’s just not me but I sometimes feel like he thinks im not a good wife and that’s why he doesn’t want to have a family w/ me yeh it hurts. So ok thanksgiving flew soon it will be x-mas I cant wait until my vacation, ok gits to go now …..

So I have this problem with women, all my life my women friends have one way or another hurt me or stabbed me in the back and I cant figure out why this always happens to me, I like to think im a nice person, a good friend, I will never criticize you, or tell you your dumb, or do anything to try to willingly hurt you but, I don’t know what it is about me, its not like im hella pretty or hella funny or smart or whatever! but for some reason my friends always have this weird competition thing with me im not one to flaunt my shit around town! so I cant figure out what it is about me. I try hard to be cool with everybody but no matter what I do it’s never good enough! When I was in grade school 2 of my best friends went out of there way to hurt me and still till this I don’t know why? When I got older my best friend tried to take my boyfriend away (which is now my husband) My other best friend for years that I had was always in competion with me to win over my friends, and than I had this other friend here at work we were hella cool w/ each other hung out all the time and so when there was an opening to go to her dept. I did and that’s when things between us got fucked she would always blame things she did on me to make herself look good in front of the boss and make me look like I wouldn’t be do anything, so I cut the cords w/ her! Why do people do this shit to im too fucken nice its my problem! I never say anything! Why am I so stupid I let people run me over and never say anything!, my own cousin does this shit to me like she always has to do things to make herself look better, like when I got married she went out and got a bigger ring than mines because mines was big! She always has to tell me she got a raise or bought an expensive purse and im like what the fuck? good for you! And why doesn’t my soon to be sister in law like me? Because she thinks her man liked me or something happened between us! Why does she dye her hair red when she doesn’t obviously like me? So now heres my issue I have this friend at work, no one likes her right all my other friends tried to warn me about her but no I said “you just don’t understand her” and would always have her back “that’s just how she is” so get this she was getting married and she asked me and my husband to be in her wedding she was getting married in Vegas and was going to pay for our whole trip so I was like cool ok! So she had her little bridle shower no one went I was the only one there. I felt bad for her so at work I threw her a little surprise shower and because I did it everyone went. So I was planning this surprise bachelorette party for her who wouldn’t like that right! She got mad at me saying I told you I didn’t want one! After she looked like she had a good time there! Started tripping off everybody yelling at us going all crazy after everything I had done for her ok! Didn’t once say thank you! Everyone that went to the party told me im going for you not for her! And I still didn’t see it so to make a long story short she fucked me again! the whole competition thing happened because I got a good review at work from my supervisor and she didn’t she started going behind my back telling on me getting me in trouble! My supervisor and me are cool so when he had to write me up for being late he was like “I don’t really mind that you’re a little late sometimes because I know you’re a hard worker, but because someone who you think is your friend went to the manager and told them so I have to” straight up told me to watch my back because the person that I think is my friend isn’t! Ok what the fuck! I kept thinking about it last night and I don’t understand why girls do this shit to me all the time I never would do shit like that to my friends! Why do women feel they always have to be in competition with me its hurts not knowing who you can trust! It got to me last night and I guess that’s why I get along better with gay guys! Funny huh! I don’t know but I just feel more comfortable around them like if we go out, I like going to gay clubs there’s never women trying to show off! Or trying to be better than the next girl! I can’t stand it! I swear since ive sat next to my “so called friend” ive been in trouble twice (I got moved right next to her recently) and I know for sure it aint no one else! I just don’t understand people I used to think I could read people because I was a people watcher, but I don’t understand how people can be that way! So my husband told me something last night and ive learned from it…YOU HAVE TO PLAY THERE GAME! And so I will! No more Mrs. nice girl!

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital. It was sent by a medical doctor Make sure to read what is in the closing statement after the poem.......
SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask how are you? Do you hear a reply? When the day is done do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? You'd better slow down don’t dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Ever told your child, we’ll do it tomorrow? And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die Cause you never had time to call and say,"hi" You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. When you run so fast to get somewhere you miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away. Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over.
I woke up this morning thinking to myself God I hope this day goes by fast, I cant wait till thanksgiving vacation! and than I thought wait a minute its already going to be December, and I cant believe this year has flown by its weird but when your young days seem like a weeks, weeks seem like months, and months seem like years, but when you get old like me, the days fly by so fast you cant even remember what you did yesterday. So I got this email today telling me the same thing, and I thought today im going to kick back and just let the day take me away however it wants, whether its going to suck really bad, or be one of the best days of my life! So Last night after I got out of the shower I noticed a big ole wrinkle under my eye, Fuck! I’m probably going to be one of those old ladies with all the botox and still trying to wear young girl’s clothes! Scary thought! But its scares me getting old I just don’t see it happening. I don’t see myself living past a certain age no matter what I do; I can’t imagine it. As if I know what my future is going to bring me, as sad as that may seem. Dying doesn’t scare me because I know that’ll it’ll happen so fast that you wont even notice. What scares me is that what’s going to happen in the after life I believe in life after death, but I cant help wonder will I see my loved ones again will we remember each other? Will I ever get to hold my husband again, touch him? That’s what scares me! I believe that he’s my soul mate, and that there is someone out there for everyone (whether we find them is up to us), But what will happen to us? So life is flying by and I ask myself do I have any regrets about the choices ive made? and Hell Yes I do! But if I have tooken another path in life would it have lead me where I am now? I suppose im happy with my life; I have a wonderful husband, a cool house, enough money, friends and my family. The only thing I want out of life is to be someone, I don’t know what or how, but just to be someone that people will remember after im gone! So 2003 was fast and boring, im just hoping 2004 will be a whole lot better! Im going to do my best to get everything out of life that I want!