Another Tuesday, another day I feel like Ground hogs Day the movie, the same thing over and over. Well I spent the night by myself like every Monday I slept ok im not having paranoid dillusions, someone is going to break in and kill me, well just a little but im getting used to it im such a wuss, so I spent half the night reading these old journals Ive kept over the past 15 years and I was reading them remembering all the shit thats happened in my life, and back then how I thought that life was tough shit when your young everything seems like its the end of the world and you wanna die! but now l can look back and laugh at myself and say what a Dork I was. All the people that have left me with great memories and the people that have left me with not so good memories, the ones I wish I can erase from my mind. There was this person this ugly chango, noone has ever made me feel so ugly in my whole life, I was reading all the horrible things he said to me then, and its no wonder why im so fucked up in the head and why I have such low self esteem! I dont think ill ever feel good about myself, but I know ive come along way from the red head days believe me ive heard all the Annie jokes Its funny but its sad! when were young we dont think that what we say can impact the way we feel about ourselves. I remember in my catholic school days, there was this girl named Angela we were so mean to her, she was kinda chunky, we used to call her Orca, thats sad! I guess I got paid back! Who knows if this poor girl is fucked up because of it, I know I am, well to get it off my chest I am sorry Angela! Well reading all my old journals I cant help but say "live life to the fullest now" dont be afraid to talk to that cute guy say Hello! dont be shy! say your Sorry to the people you hurt! tell them how you really feel youll never know until you try! I know I wish I wouldve, I wouldnt have ended up wasting 6 years of my life with the biggest loser! thinking I coulndt get better. But we learn from our mistakes I guess, that's how I interpret what the meaning of life is...to learn, live life to the fullest, make mistakes, fall in love, get your heart broken once or 20 times, break hearts, hurt others, and remember every little dream you have and make it a reality! so in the end I guess all I have to say is Sorry and Thanks!

Another Monday, man I swear I need a vacation Thank God im going to LA next week. I swear its getting harder and harder to get up in the morning today I didnt even want to get up so I went to work late oh well. So my weekend was allright me, Mark, Jorge & Maria went to eat sushi and then to the movies on friday it was cool Saturday we hung out with the family and Sunday we went to the Asparagus festival that was interesting I like to people watch its funny, its a trip how many different people there are in this world, yeh we live in this small little town, but I sware theres people ive never seen before trippy! well we went wth my bro-in law and sis-in law to be, its no wonder why she dont like me she is hella jelous we were walking through the crowd, these girls were calling there friend Renee she thought they were talking about him so she started dogging and tripping off them we were like what is she doing? making a big ole scene I was like if they jump her I dont have her back. I know it sucks that we cant be friends I think its gone too far, I seriously dont think we'll ever be friends I know she dont like me and im cool with that, ever since the time she went off on me accusing me of being with Rene, that was it! so I aint even gonna try anymore oh well.
So anyways my friend Sum, she finally got to 2nd base "you go girl" but after it happened she got dissed, and got her heart broken poor thing dont trip chocolate chip, youll find another.

Ok so work sucks! same old thing over and over nothing new, besides are executive director getting the boot that's the latest drama here! were not supposed to give any info to the public about it, she probabley committed some kind of fraud who knows, I think I might call news 13 and let them in on a little story hmm im such a drama causer. So my honey bought me the new Madonna CD its ok I gotta get used to it I guess, its very adult contemporary like some people. I guess as you get older you see things different and not wanna do the things you did when you were younger, I swear if I ever get that way please shoot me! I dont wanna be adult contemporary and listen to the smooth jazz station and Luis Miguel (no offense LM fans) I can't see myself getting old, shit I never thought id be my age now, im 25 turning 26 in May (go Taurus!) I thought back then that was hella old but the good thing is you get wiser and think different, I remember not being afraid of anything, I would get on roller coaster and not think anything of it, now im like "What if I fall out"? but its cool im gonna try to be the same Chrissy for as long as I can, my friends say im gonna be disco granny like on studio 54 hmmmm...Well living in the suburbs all my life, I need excitement! I try to make the best out of it, yeh we watch every movie that comes out and go to the same restaraunt everytime, and know everybody's business. I know its not like San Fransisco where you can have dinner at a different fucken place everyday, but shit home is where the heart is right? and if you don't like it than gets a steppin! You just got to make the best out of what you have and were your at, if I didn;t have shit holding me back Id be fucken in Hawaii with a pina colada in my hand, but hey that's life.
Oh yeh I forgot to mention I got flowers from my coworkers today for secratery's Day cool huh? They like me, they really like me! thanks guys!

Good Morning America!!! as fucked as I felt this morning struggeling to get my fat ass out of bed I actually feel pretty fucking good! You know one thing that totally sucks in the morning is when you go to get your Mcie D's sausage egg Mcmuffin and your hella hungary, you wait till you get to work your stomach growling for the taste of that juicy, tastey scrumtious breakfast, and than you open up the bag and bam! they give you a fucken egg biscuit! that sucks! Well that didn't actually happen to me it happened to my friend here at work, shit I wish I had breakfast I am hella hungary we are so dam poor we ain't got no food Ok im lying were not actually poor, I just dont know how to cook and we really dont have any food.... Anyways so Happy Madonna Day! to all the fans her new Cd comes out today it should be interesting so heres my favorite picture tribute to her ...

cool huh? I learned to put in images Madonna rocks! if I can have one lesbian experience it would have to be with her haha.
So, I had a pretty cool weekend I suppose my bro-in-law didnt end up taking his man, dam! I was so hoping for something interesting to happen, I could just see him taking him to moms for Easter can you? haha but it was allright we went to Caras on Saturday, hadn't been there in a while theres alot of lesbians I only got hit on once im not like a lesbian or anything but it's cool to get hit on by them, I see it as if a girl thinks im cute than maybe?? hmm but we had fun me and the cuzins, too bad we didn't have any d???? that wouldve been cool, next time. Easter was kinda boring I guess holidays are for children and we aint got none so its the same every year, I got to admit my honeys family is more funner than mine I got the mormons haha, oh well another holiday gone by. This year is flying by, I feel like my life is flashing before my eyes, and I keep having all these dreams and regrets about alot of shit I did in the past, I don't know its haunting me, I wish I could gp back and change the things ive done in the past, like all the things I missed out on, because I was so stupid! The relationships with friends that I fucked up! the people I hurt I have such regrets, I think back and im like how could I be so stupid? Could I have been alot happier now? then? It's strange so I guess if I were to change the shit I did in the past I wouldn't be her where I am now. Or could it have changed things? Would I be somewhere else? with someone else? So I guess you have to think hard about the decisions you make in the present so you won't regret it in the future. But until than what can I do to get rid of all these haunting memories and regrets? who knows?
smoke a little dubbie that's what I'll do!! So until next time keep on Vouge-ing!

Today I saw this



It looks just like turbo!

Ok so theres crazyness in the world today at leaste for me, around work is so F****D up I swear there' like crazy shit happening we just lost our executive director she was such a biatch I swear she came here and fucked everything all up our agency is just so messed up we cant do shit like we used to, and then shhh we got some illegal activity happening around here I wont go into details because there might be metiches like me watching but all I can say is "scam, fraud, embezzlement" crazy huh?
I dont know shit!! ok so I steal supplies from time to time but, that is just straight up ghetto oh well what can you do people are just straight up fucked up! So someone asked me to describe people at work so lets see if this sums it all up..girls trying to sell me shit all the time tupperwaer, jewlery, makeup I swear its so bad i have to run from these people its funny, the ghetto mi vida loco ruca girls, the old stressed out old lady's on the verge of a break down, the know it all ones!, the gay ones, the quite shy nerdy ones, the wanna be innocent "I didnt inhale ones" oh yeh the preacher ones always trying to get you to go to there church ones, the stomach stapleing I once weighed 300 pounds now im hella skinny like Carnie Wilson girls does that sum it up for you? does every work place have these? and than theres me the I dont give a fuck about shit! People say like its work take it seriuos, whatever! I dont! I see it like that Im here most of my time this is my life, Im trying to make the best out of it hey life is about shits and giggles! Dont trip on the little things dont be so fucken serious I might lose my job but I know ill find another shit happens! People need to lighten the fuck up! thats all i gotta say....The only thing that really sucks is if I do lose my job the friendships ive made I just hate the process of having to find a new job meeting new people growing relationships with them blahblah you know, I hate working I may not get paid hella money, its boring yeh but I love my friends Ill miss G every morning saying "what are we doing for lunch? and even though we say we'll keep in touch we probley wont you know how that goes, I gained close friends I think ive brought a piece of my craziness to theres lives, if I say so myself!
So another Friday I think this will be a interesting weekend Im trying to convince my bro-inlaw to bring his "man" down he's scared though but he shouldnt trip we support him. I think his family needs to face up to what hes really all about its nothing bad theyre going to love him no matter what he does! I think they're in denile and they need to know the real person inside of him hes a beutiful person even though I wanna strangle the shit out of him sometimes! you now what I mean right? haha but can you imagine if they new the things we do oh man, shit I dont think half the people I know, know the shit we do shhh Im a bad bad girl haha but hey live life to the fullest that my motto! so in the end all I can say is " Heaven is the dance floor and God is the DJ" keep dancing your way throug life hear the music and how lovely it sounds!!!!

Ok so I keep having these reacurring dreams and they are bugging the shit out of me because I can't figure what the hell they mean, so im having this dream that im like at a carnival or something like a fair and my friends keep wanting me to go into this fun house like a little haunted house, and im like scared for some reason like I know if I go on that ride that something bad is going to happen. Well in all the dreams that ive had like this, Ive never gone inside accept for last night I remember Mark is supposed to on with me but he gets lost and im forced to go on it with the grandma from the Golden Girls funny huh? so I get on and I'm like hella scared so I'm covering my face the whole time and I can kinda see what it looks like inside through my jacket, were like on little boats like Pirates of the Carribean and it looks like were outside just like it, and the grandma looks up and sees something in the sky she starts yelling like look!! and I take the jacket off my face and I look and I wake up so I don't get to see what it is. I don't know what this means but I keep dreaming the same thing over and over, or im living in this house, its different from my house though, its much bigger and im by myself and I keep hearing these nioses and seeing wierd things like my house is haunted. ok so I looked on the web to see what a haunted house means and its trippy beacuse this explaine my next dream heres what it said "Haunted House=To dream of a haunted house represents unfinished emotional business, related to your family, dead relatives, or repressed memories and feelings
This is so wierd because my next dream I had was of an old friend I see this person and I tell them im sorry for everything I did to them. And this is true about unfinished emotional business like I dont even care about this person but for some strange reason I have this need to say i'm sorry for treating them like shit before. And I know they could probley careless about me now. but its like unfinished busines that I for some strange reason. Have you ever seen flatliners? Im like Kevin Bacon were he needs to say sorry to the little girl he hurt and made fun of in the past well like that. It's so totally haunting me I feel like im never gonna resolve this until I do. This is crazy what should I do? Like call and say hay remember 10 years ago when I dissed you...blah...blah bla.....thats crazy!!!
Well ok enough of that im gonna drive myself crazy if I keep thinking about it, so i got this wierd e-mail the other day from this psychic lady she said she's e-mailing me because out of all the people she had to to tell me that my life was gonna change on these 3 days april 26th, 29th and May 9, 03 yeh right! but on May 9th were going to be in LA. kinda wierd you think? and then she said for the low price of $9.99 i can help you blah blah ok I know this sounds stupid but kinda wierd I know there wouldn't anything that would happen that would be good if I were here in Stockton hmmm? maybe im gonna be discovered by Hugh Hefner? haha im tripping im too fat hed be like laughing his ass off at me. But hey theres nothing wrong with dreaming right?... I got some serious issues I need to work out and until then..........later!

monday mondays!! I hate monday theys so suck big black cock! haha Markis gone ill be by myself tonight. Well I had a cool weekend on friday me and some friends from work to went to this latino comedy thing it ws pretty cool even though it was at the jamaica for a minute I thought we were gonna get shot up and shit I wanted to go home and get my bullet proof vest on, na it wasn't that bad it was pretty funny! summer kept talking about her "friend" all night and how she got dissed by her "friend" i think shes too young and I think shes got mixed emotions, I dont know poor S, there will be others, its funny how all my "friend"s are gay I dont know I must have PFLAGS written on my forhead or something. They are cool though I love my gay friends, shes all ready for pride weekend they are all planning it allready Im like ok its still a ways away but shes excited, maybe she'll meet someone I dont think her husband will mind hes all trying to give her tips on what to do! funny huh! well after we just went to eat at denny's than just went home.
Saturday I had to get my lazy ass up early to go pick up my little cousins in Live Oak they spent the weekend with my grandma. Later we went to Leslies surprise party it was cool even thought there was more of Mandos friends than hers, his friends thought it was his birthday. Markis cousins went you know it aint a party until they supply it with a little somethin somethin thats what my cousins say, ok me too! but they trip me out there like total mexican macho guys right they have like these pretty ass girlfriends but yet they try to mac to other girls they were like all over these two hoochie mamas all dancing with them, I like them and everything but I feel like there trying to influence my man to do shit, but i know hes smarter than that, I hope! but they don't dispespect me so that's cool, but i hear them saying shit about girls to him and im like whatever!!! so we just drank and partied it was fun im happy that finally my family is starting to hang out more, like even Les is like lets go out this weekend to San Fran she's like i dont care if we go to a gay place eighther im like ok its cool. For a long time I felt hella lonely like I had noone, Im an only child, i have no bros or sistas, & my 3 girl cousins we grew up together. Were all hanging out again and its cool, I used to get so jelous of Markis family they were always doing bar-b-ques and shit, but now its cool cuz me & mines are hanging out more.
well I just got off the phone w/ Nikki & she was saying how after we left saturday Mando got out his rifle and was acting all crazy talking shit,to everyone, hes so stupid he came in the room and was saying shit saying something about bitches & it looked like he was talking about me, Mark was getting mad and telling him you better watch what you say, I was afraid Mando was gonna say something stupid & Marks cousins would get all crazy but he didnt. it was fun im just tripping that les & my homie are getting hooked up there so different it trips me out! she swirling, vanilla and chocolate still make chocolate!!! haha
Sunday we just had family fun day, we spent it with my little cousins they just love Marki they have so much fun with him im glad I know when we have kids he'll be a wonderful dad, whenever that may be and thats another story we wont go there...well over all I had a cool weekend it just sucks having to come back to work I feel like im living the same day over and over again I guess that's how it is when you live in the suburbs huh.......

15 more minutes to go

So im sitting here at work bored outta my mind, im helping out in the reception cuz the girls called in sick. its pretty cool i get to see all these crazy people come in and yell at me, saying weres my check!! im like what the fuck do i look like a dam bank or what? no im just kidding but today's been interesting fridays usually are, i suppose we tried to set up my closeted gay friend remember the one i talked about before, but the guy was too young for him oh well next time, and then my other friend Sgot her heart broken for the first time, shes expressing her feelings now abut women, shes married too funny huh???? i feel bad for her shes never had a relationship with a girl before and she fell in love with this person she met on the internet, but she has a girlfriend, too bad she'll find another, and her man will let her too. shit i would think all men would like that shit but my man be trippin hed be like hell no, he could be with another man i aint tripping, no im just kidding hed probabley leave me if it were Geroge Michael shhh dont tell him haha
well im gonna be on tv today im actually in the background, news 13 was interviewing us about what we thought about sars, and the girl next to me was talking about it i was just on the side laughing my ass off! i look all fucked up too if i wouldve know i wouldve at leaste combed my hair.
well tommarrow were having a party for my cuzin she deserves it but there like saying well your supposed to buy the decorations im like shit what do i look like im made out of money it was there decision to throw it, but oh well woohoo 4:oclock almost time time to go i guess i better chow now so until next time...

Well the day is almost over thank god! im just sitting here trying to work but shit keeps distracting me, weve been having all these meetings at work to see if were going to have a job still but knows. Well we went to go see the kings game the other day it was pretty cool we had fun it couldve been worse if i had to go with "the familty" shhhh.So tomarrow im hooking up my closetted gay friend with my lesbian friends gay friend its so funny i have all these gay friends they just love me haha no i love them too there just so cool compared to straight people i sware id rather hang out with them than any body else they just arent so uptight about shit, like trying to show off like, there to cool for school you know, so anyways my friend i totally knew his ass was gay the first time i met him, my husband so outed him it was so funny! I feel bad for him cuz he doesn't have any gay friends or anything he only goes to gay things when hes with me i wish he would get ass out there and get laid allready, i cant imagine how hard it must be for him or for anyone else for that matter, its hard enough just being me. straight. I love everybody i dont care who you are, sometimes people fascanate me i sometimes wonder what its like to be someone else or what there life is like, i see like poor people and feel so bad like i feel their pain and i have to turn away because i get so sad. I wish i could step outside myself and see myself how others see me, cuz i see myself and im like yuk! and than i get depressed that im never gonna be anybody in this world! I dont know if I could change one persons life i think i would die happy. Well allrighty time to get back to work before they fire my ass.....
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I am metiche! I hear and spread rumors and keep them living. I am the blood that runs throught the veins of the rumor. That is why I will boldly go where no one goes...and am to be called.....METICHE!