SO things are going pretty good can you believe were finally moving out of my haunted house and im so excited! I dont know if I ever told the story of my old house,So anyways here it goes.... So when we were first started looking around to buy another new house, it was one of the first ones that we had saw and I liked it but, it wasnt what I had reallly had in mind and so we kept looking, as time passed by with no luck we started getting really frustrated and so we went to go see it again and we ended up settling for it, Its a really nice home I must say 3 bed 2 bath hard wood floors, a swimming pool and a spa , but it didnt feel like home I tried painting it I rearranged furniture numerous times but nothing worked. later I started to feel really sick, my epilepsy started up again, I had been stressing off of work and how I was feeling at home, and so I ended up going on stress leave I just couldnt handle it anymore, and so I ended up taking a few months off and the whole time I was at home I started to feel even more and more sick I was getting bad anxiety attacks, I was starting to have nightmares, and I started to feel really really depressed, So depressed that I didnt even want to do anything or go anywhere, all I wanted to do was stay home and see noone and dwell in my sorrows, I cried everyday I even tried to commit suicide on a few occasions literally, I didnt care about my life or anything!! all I wanted was to die!!! I even started hullicinating seeing things in my house people, dark shadows, I couldnt even distinguish what was real or what was a night terror anymore, it seemd oh so real to me.
So I went through about 9 months of funk, I was begining to think I was goin crazy. I went through so much more than I have ever felt or been through in my whole life I didnt care about anyone not even my family or husband and especially not myself...I can remeber so many different occasions where I started to see things, wierd things just seemed to happen everyday, I can remember on one occasion I was home by myself because my husband used to go to work really early in the morning, so i'd be by myself all moring long well, one moring I swear on everything, that I heard someone walking through the hallway, see on the hardwood floors you can hear everything from a creek to a little skweak, and so I heard this noise as if someone was walking up and down the hallway and I also heard cabinet doors opening, I swore that someone was in my house, so I called Marco scared like crazy, and he told me to call the ploice, so I did and they showed up looked everywhere inside, upside, downside and everywhere else, and found noone, by this time I was frantic, I new I was going crazy, and they just seemed to look at my like I was loosing it and I felt as if I was, they ended up leaving a half hour or so later, and not more than a half hour after I startd to hear it again thump, thump...my dog was barking like crazy at the door as if someone was really there. I didnt know what to do, I tried to sleep but I couldn't and before I new it , it was day light and so I pretty much slept the rest of the day, I would have bad, bad insomnia to where I wouldnt sleep for days I would be up all night making myself even more crazy hearing things, seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, I really started to lose it, I can remember another time that I was home by myself, I was in my room like usual, by this time I was so scared that I wouldnt even go anywhere out of my room, I was so scared to leave it. Well I was like I said in my room and I saw somebody standing there right in front of me, I flipped out I started to panic and I ran out of my room with ,my little dog, I called Marco told him to get home right away as I was waiting for him, the whole time I cried hysterically, and I sat right by the front door with my little dog, and when he got home I was allready frantic. I didnt know how to explain what I had saw, I knew by the time my husband allready thought I was out of my mind. There was so many things that happened I cant even begin to tell, I would see people, I would, have night terrors, and I didnt undesrtand why I feeling so sad, I had never felt like that in my whole enitre life. I couldn't take it and thats were again i tried to kill myself I took about 4 bottles worth of medication from sleeping pills to anti siezure medicine I really thought I would never wake up again, and they would find my dead body lying there, but It was as if every way I had tried to die I wouldn't and of course that was a good thing but it didnt seem like it back than, and so anyways, Marco got home early one day to find me crying hysterically he ended up rushing me to the Dr's office and thats where they admitted me to a mental institution, I was so depressed all I did was cry and sleep, I was so scared of being there but I knew at that time thats where I belonged. I tried to keep it to where noone knew, not my friends, family or his, but I know my husband was having it hard he ended up telling his mother and brother. By that time I had allready had tried to kill myself numerous times I even ended up beating myself up literally, I hated everything so much that I hurt myself really bad, I dont even really remember everything but the next day I woke up with a black eyes and bruises everywhere. Well after a while with all medication that I was so doped up on medication, I even started to feel a little better only because I couldn't feel anymore, I had no emotions, I couldn't cry I couldn't laugh or smile, I was just there, although the noises and the seeing things never went away I had started to live with it and fell better. I never had felt so awful in my life feeling deppressed, and all the crazy things that where going on inside my the house, and with me mentally, I fell apart, I really thought I was going to die, my heart hurt so much and I didnt even know why I just new something wasn't right in that house.It got so bad that I couldn't even take care of myself anymore, and so my sister in law started taking care of me she would drive me to the doctors and stay with me I really am thakful to her I dont think I would have made it through such hard times if it wasn't for her.
So a period of two years passed by and all of a sudden one day my mother in law came to me and said she had met this lady, be aware that I have never met this person in my life, I didnt know her I had never even seen her ever before. Her name is Maribel, she is a friend of Marks dads family she supposingly a psychic, she told me things no one new, a while back Betty told me that she had wanted to talk to me but we never got around to talking to each other, but Saturday she called Betty and said that she needed to talk to me so me and Mark went down to her house and she was this little Mexican lady, and she started to tell me things like she new I tried to commit suicide, she new I was feeling depressed, she new I was sick, and all this stuff it blew my mind, I couldn’t believe everything she was saying, it was like she new me! And everything that I had been going through, I started to cry, I cried so hard because it seemed like such a miracle to me, things noone new, not Marco, not Betty not anyone, she told me a little bit of her background and said how when she was 8 that when she first started to see ghosts she said they would come to her and that God would come to her and ask her to help people, that’s why she needed to talk to me to help me, she new I took medication she told me I wouldn’t even need to take it anymore. And than she told me I was going to be ok from now on. So we left and I thought about it after and how weird it was but it gets weirder, that Sunday she called and wanted to go to my house so she came over and and she walked around the house and she went into my far bedroom, a sorda creepy room that was pretty much empty. She started to tell us that someone was there, a young girl 14 years old named Angie she said that she was the one that was making me sick and depressed she was the one trying to make me commit suicide, So As she opened the closet "that’s where it happened she said she had commited suicide, she was also pregnant, It all makes sense to me now the person that called Sabrina And Joaquin said that they were pregnant, it mustve been "her". See I have these two friends my husbands cousin and his wife they came to my house one day and brought me coke and some chips, they said that i had called them that night before and told them to bring it to me some food I hadf supposidly told them that I was also pregnant, it was wierd because I swear I didnt call them. Things were getting to crazy.
it was so strange but I somehow believed her, we both did. All the times that I thought I was going crazy I wasnt, it was "her" doing it to me! She said a little prayer for the girl and and told her to leave, she was standing there talking to someone as if they were really there. And she was gone she said. And than she told me about the dark shadow that I would always see by my bed in my room, she said it was a relative of mines, a young man that had died in a car accident, and immediatley I knew it was my cousin Paul, I had never felt any bad presence from it, I just always saw that someone was standing there right by me.
She left after that and said noone was going to hurt me anymore, and that I was going to be o.k. from now on, and ever since than I haven't seen anything strange or heard anything anymore, ever since the day she cleansed our house. It was totally strange! almost unbelievable but I feel for some reason in my heart she was real. Ive been fine ever since than ive even moved out and on, I just want to start over again an dnever look back ....and I did...

VALENTINES DAY 2006

"fade" by Staind

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too
Much to conceive

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became ’cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I’m older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do....


So much shit in my head going on why do i want too litterly kill myself over something so stupid like my husband looking at another girl! especially a girl that you would never want him to mention about" or look at" theres always that 1, how cxan i talk when ive done wortst than he could imagine why do i fell lik e th fucken queen of "evil" right now!
anyways i feel like shit im drunk as fuck i dont even know if im typoing right so if you cnat undderstand what the fuck im wrighting righn to noe i dont really give a shit you'll figure it out! WHY do i want to feel so bad about myself i feell like im th ugliest person in th world right now? why do i have such low self esteem, i hate myself so much that sometimes i dont give a fuck about my husband or my family or even my friends, what they might think if im gone or what they might feel?? i just want so muc h to just go! even if it would be that i would be in hell! what can be so much worst than feel the feelings that i do now???? i just want to get so suck wasted just so that i wont feel anything!!!! whya do i keep having these bad thoughts ?why will it never go aways why do i wan t to hurt mysel;f so much Arlo????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Why do iwant you to read this just so that i know how much life can suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Are you really out there? am i not alone??? respond to me please! i would love to know that theres someone out there that might be the slightest interested in me?? i could tell you stories that you would never even believe thins things ive lived through that someone couldnt evenn wish ther own worst enemies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!the truth is right now im going to go hurt myself and im not going to evne care or feel anything! because you knwo why??????????????? this is what alcohol and drugs can do to you !! or if your jus t like me yoy can be resllly fucked up in the head ! !!! dont ever listen to "staind" while you feel like shit you just dont know what you might do??!!
oh yeh the meanig of this song really reminded me of another "ASSHOEL " boyfriendi once had but thats a whole new story own its own"!!!!

so things are going ok I feel a lot better about what happened its totally over i dont even want to think about it anymore!! were all still friends but why does there son hate me so much, so look here the deal staright up no lies im not ashamed of it anymore, so me and Sabrina had an affair, Marco knows Joaquin knows but for some reason little Joaquin over heard Joaquin say Affair and Chrissy so im asssuming that hes assuming that me and Joaquin are having some kind of an affair and its not even like that! nothing happened between us..... accept for the few times when we would flirt with eachother and i even flirt with Sabrina, but thats how I am I do it to everybody....so we went to church on Sunday and i felt hella wierd because little Joaquin was hella dogging me and than why did he try to shoot me. I know he thinks the worst to me but its not even like that theres only so much we can tell him without telling him the truth, what are we supposed to say "oh its not me and your dad but its me and your mom having an affair" he's to young and wont understand, i dont know i just feel so bad i dont know what to do and why do i keep thinking of them, i just wish nothing wouldve happened knowing that all this would happen, but its also strange because in a crazy way i liked it, i always wondered what it would be like to be with another girl, and Sabrina's for some reson i felt very comfortable with her. Marco's not trippin off me and her doing anything he just seems to think we all had an orgy and its not true!........ i wanted her not him!! you know me ive always been curious to know what its like to be with a girl and its not all bad , crazy as it may sound if i were not married id probably be bi-sexual...crazy huh? well so thats the drama i was so scared to talk about before but i had to let it out. And yes Adrian you better not say shit!!! hahaaha
Besides all that shit things at work have been alot better as far as with me and my supervisor, i think she probably got told something, and they mentioned alot of people were complaining about her, and when i sat down with Leslie i told her everything, the way she treated me , the way she always singeled me out. Everything!! i finally stood up fpr myself! im so proud, ive never done that before usually i let people walk all oveer me and just take it!! i guess it was the worng time to fuck with me all that happened over that weekend. well other than that ive been feeling alot better i still cant stop hurting myself though its just a way of making myself feel better i know sounds crazy but i cant stop!!!
Oh well we'll see how thing go from now on, Marco starts working with Joaquin pretty soon hope that works!!!!and there will be no problems...I just want us to be friends the way we used to be....they've been there for me through thick and thin....
Even though Joaquin said he was going ot let me die! and that i wasnt good enough fro his Cousin, and wasnt a good wife! whatever hes just as awful too...oh well we'll see how things go......