Today is December 9, 09
Its been about a year since everything has happpened to me, me getting sick, the problems that me and Mark started having, Joelie..its wierd how my life has changed since than, the way I feel about everything, the stupid things ive done since than! I feel like I dont even know who I am anymore, I knew the things I did was wrong but yet I couldnt seem to stop, its almost as if it was a different person and not really me doing them, its like I became someone else. and the sad thing is I felt nothing, no guilt! nothing! I felt so heartless it was horrbile!
well things between me and Mark are better I want so much to work things out between us I do love him, hes good to me after all weve been through in the past year I dont think any other man wouldve done the things hes done for me, and would have put up with all the shit ive put him through! hes good to me and I dont want to mess things up again, thats why I decided to say goodbye to Whos Here, and anyways I got really tired of stupid guys harrassing and just wanting stupid pix of me, it got so irritating you cant trust people on there even the ones that you think are your friends they only wanted 1 thing and I dont need that. so I said goodbye and havent been on it in a long time. I dont really care anymore I need to focus on myself right now and care about what other people think of me, I put it on myself too much whether people or should I say guys think of me. and If I keep thinking like that im never going to feel good about myself, but im done at leaste for now, ive seen how guys could be and its crazy they only want one thing, but I guess thats all I wanted too, I dont know, ive felt so lost for so long that I didnt know what I was looking for, but I think I know what it was, I was looking for that second Joel someone that was going to make me feel like he did, someone that was going to treat me like he did, and i know now htere will never e another him, its time for me to move on without him and move on without wh.

What has become of me? what have i turned into? ive become this person i feel i dpot even recognize anymore! someone with no remorse or feelings, almost as if im numb! for the first time yesterda\y i felt something i felt guilty! i felt sorrow and now its gone! with no care in the world accept hatred! hattred for myself! i have so many secrets noone knows the real me! he doesnt know the real me! they dont know the real me! i dont know who i am anymore, the more mistakes i make the more i feel as if im dying insdie, but yet it feels as if its a different me! a person driwen by sex and evil! ever since the begining of the year when i got really sick ive become this person i dont recognize, its almost as if i have 2 different personailites one the real me crazy cool Chrissy, the other this cruel non feeling gulit free crazy for sex and love chrissy

Why does it feel like theres this dam rain cloud hanging over my head!

I swear if I hear any more bad news im going to jump off the roof of my work building! its like this stream of bad luck is never fucking ending! Why couldnt I have just died! everything sucks right now and I keep making the same stupid mistakes too why the fuck dont I learn! I swear this is the last time I do this to myself no more im done I cant take anymore ! and whats wrong with me? its like I keep pushing away people on purpose its like everytime something good happens I seem to push away people and end up scaring them off, im so stupid I swear! its no wonder why everyone hates me! I just feel like my life is fucked up right now, ever since i gotten sick its like I dont know how to get my life back, everythings different and its like I keep looking for this happiness in this dam fantasy land that I live in, and I know its not reality but I keep falling for it! it makes me so mad! all I want is to just be happy again and I feel like im never going to be, and not with all this dam bad luck I keep having.

So yesterday we went to go t see if they were going to be able to modify our loan on our house and the guy says well u8 have till tomorrow to get in everything so

Amazing
I kept the right ones out And let the wrong ones in Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins, There were times in my life When I was goin' insane, Tryin' to walk through The pain. When I lost my grip And I hit the floor I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door!
I was so sick and tired Of livin' a lie! I was wishin that I Would die!
It's Amazing With the blink of an eye you finally see the light, It's Amazing When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright, It's Amazing And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings You have to learn to crawl Before you learn to walk But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeahI was out on the street, Just tryin' to survive Scratchin' to stay Alive!

The open wound she hidesShe just keeps it bundled upAnd never lets it showShe can't take much more of thisBut she can't let it goAnd that's ok, she don't want the world
All the things she saysWhile he's just lying thereWithout someone to hear her cryShe slips off into a dreamAbout a place to hideAnd that's ok, she don't want the worldThis love she feelsEverything she's ever knownOr ever thought was realSeems like it's been thrown awayNow how's she gonna liveIt's ok, she don't want the worldThose words he never spokeHaunt her life, the memoriesOf all the times beforeShe tried to show him loveWhile he would only ask for moreBut it's ok, she don't want the worldSoftly in her sleepPictures of the life she's longingFor slowly appearShe's seen them all beforeBut somehow never quite this clearShe just smiles, she don't want the worldThis love she feelsEverything she's ever knownOr ever thought was realSeems like it's been thrown awayNow how's she gonna liveIt's ok, she don't want the worldA brand new morning shinesAs she wakes up alone againThis time to face the dayShe swears there's time to make itAs she simply walks awayAnd it's ok, she don't want the world

June 22, 2009
I feel like a complete idiot! AGAIN!!! Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself and the funny thing is that I can already predict what is going to happen and yet I keep making the mistakes by letting people in why? I don’t like getting hurt but yet I don’t seem to learn! I can’t take being hurt anymore so that’s why all this has to end! No more! I cant deal with people using me that’s all they ever do is just pretend to care, and than they end up kicking me to the curb, maybe this keeps happening because this is Gods way at getting back at me, I deserve all I get! I feel like such a complete idiot! Ever since I got sick my life has been nothing but pain and sorrow! What did I do to deserve all this? Am I that much of a bad person that I deserve to be hurt over and over again? I cant take all this pain anymore! Everything has changed in my life, my friends aren’t the same anymore, they’ve all changed, or is it me? Not even George talks to me anymore I come back and all of a sudden everything’s different why did I have to go through that? It changed everything in my life, my relationship with my husband, I would have never met Joelie and I would have never had my heart broken the way that It did! I know I always said that I wanted to feel those butterflies again and have someone to get to know me again but I didn’t mean I wanted to feel heart ache again Everything is so complicated right now my relationship at home is only getting harder and harder to bear, im afraid things will never be the same I feel so guilty when im with him its like everyone always sees him as the good person and im always the bad guy now even my family thinks im having an affair on him, I talked to Nikki on Sunday about what I was feeling and everything that has been going on and she turned around and told everyone now they think im cheating on Marco and im once again im the bad guy the black sheep of the family, Cammille told Bianca that she still hasn’t gotten over how I treated her that one day at our old house and I understand I did say a lot of harsh words but I had so much built up emotions and I had to let it out, and now I feel like she hates me but she don’t see the bad things that she does or how she makes me feel, when she always puts me down. I hate this I feel like everyone hates me, When im with Marco I feel guilty and confused and it makes me sad that I feel this way because I still love him I always will no matter what and I know its not fair to either one of us if I stay knowing that I cant give him my all, and maybe the reason why I talk to all these guys is because I want so much to find happiness in my life, I cant remember the last time I actually laughed or smiled with really feeling it! And I know it sounds selfish but I want that happiness so bad I feel like I need to did whatever it takes to find it, whether it would have been in Belgium or in Boston or here at home! I don’t want to feel this way anymore! I just want to be happy again. Wednesday was such a bad day first my friend said he needed time to think about things but I cant help think its my fault again I make things so complicated and I know that’s what he was thinking, and probably regrets meeting me, but why did he lead me on thinking that he felt the same if the hole time he didn’t and now I feel like its going to end up like the other one, I should have know that that’s how things were going to end up because anytime I try to find happiness something bad happens its like I have this rain cloud over my head all the time. Oh well maybe its better this way but its hard when you get attached to someone and you talk to them everyday and than one day there gone from your life! That’s what have a hard time dealing with, I wonder if they ever really cared about me to just be able to let me go so quick, did I not mean anything to them at all? Maybe not! later that evening we went to Fats for Myras birthday and i started drinking and i know I do these things to take my mind of all the bad shit thats happening but i drank too much and Marco got mad at me because I was texting on my phone so I left and walked home drunk when i got home I was hysterical screaming and crying I hate that I do that but I have so much sadness built up in me that I feel like im losing it! I took a razor and cut myself all up now I have to deal with hiding my scars from everyone!
When is someone going to love me the way I want to be loved? Not even Marco can, he doesn’t look at me the way I wish he would! When I talk to other people the way they see me is different maybe it’s the lust they have in there eyes for me, or how they think im sexy or beautiful! He told me the reason why he never tells me im beautiful is because to him he can only tell that to someone he loves, and im thinking hes not saying it because he doesn’t think I am! It has to be that! And that makes me feel even shittier! Even my other friend tells me I am. I want to feel pretty because I never feel that way about myself I hate who I am, what I look like! And I need to hear it! And with Marco I don’t feel it when he tells me he doesn’t look at me the way they do, I cant explain it! All I ask for is for all this pain to go away!

Things are so horrible right now I never thought my life would be so fucked up, my marriage, my friends, my job, im at the point of no return! I feel like im seriously falling apart, my hair is falling out, im getting these horrible stress wrinkles, you can see the stress all over my face, im like what's next my arms and feet are going to fall off! I feel so lost and confused right now its like ever since Joelie and me being sick that my life has changed so drastically I feel different about life and about my marriage, it scares me to the point were I dont know what I want anymore, as far as me and Marco I love him I will always love him no matter what happens between us, but its different now my feelings for him have changed andI know as much as he dont want to admit it that his feelings for me have changed too, I know he hates me, I know that he's never ever going to trust me ever again! and the sad thing is that I serioulsy dont know if I can trust myself, and right now the truth is I can't! and I feel so horrible!!!!! I hate myself! I hate this person that ive become ever since ive gotten sick! I feel so confused about my life and what I want for me, and I cant stop myself from making the same mistakes over and over and over again!!!! I dont know whats wrong with me?** I cant seem to control myself! and its only making things worse, I feel im not ready to make that change. I feel i have all these bad demons provocing me to do bad. I almost dont know what's right and what's wrong anymore. Im scared I might never know again. Im scared that things may never be the same again, between Marco and me, between my friends and I! I dont know how to fix things. I feel so used and yet I do it to myself over and over again! I hate this person that I am, I hate the things that I do and yet I cant stop myself, I feel like almost giving up! I dont know whay all this has happened to me, why did I have to be the one to go throough all this? Why ME GOD? have you totally givin up on me?

So many thigns going on right now and of course not all good i dont even know where to start, its been so complicated with me and Mark ever since I got sick and met Joelie and all that stupid drama! I wish i can go back in time and change it all, i wish i can go back in time and never have met him, cause ever since than our relationship has changed so drastically, i dont know if i will ever feel the same again, i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him i feel like ever since the whole stupid XBox thing where he ignored me, it made me feel like he didnt care about me and it really hurt me a lot! it scarred me to the point where im not the same anymore, my feelings for him are not the same anymore! i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him? i want to fix things and thats why i got rid of Who'sHere i had to say goodbye if i want to fix this. This past weekend Beto came over and we hung out, his neice had graduated and they threw a party for her at Fedelias house, well that week prior to everything, i had been kind of chatting with some guy i had met on Photoswap, he's young and we kind of connected but just as friends and i did things i shouldnt have, and that Saturday night i got so drunk the next day which was Sunday, Marco started acting wierd, and well somehow he got into my phone again and saw every picture i had of him and of me, I know im so stupid i dont know why i keep doing these stupid things! that Sunday we argued like crazy and fought like crazy! i just feel so confused right now i feel like my whole life is falling apart! he has no job we might lose our house, i might soon not have a job, i feel like i have aged like 5 years over night! i look at myself and all i see is wrinkles, and than my hair is falling out! i have never felt so horrible and felt like my life is falling apart so bad! i have been through tough times but never to where im losing everything at once. its so complicated and i feel so guilty as if im never going to be good enough for him, i feel as if maybe i should leave him so he can be happier without me, so he can find someone thats going to make him happy and not hurt him, and at this point in my life i dont know if i can do that, i feel as if im never going to be able to give him hat he wants and thats a family....i don know if im ever going to be ready to give him a baby..and its not fair to him! i dont know what to do...i dont want to do this again to him i feel so guilty! sometimes when i have problems i seek answers in things that appear i my everyday life, like for example i have a question that i have in my mind i'll see a sign somewhere or i'll hear a song on the radio that the answers are in the lyrics, yesterday i was watching the second part to Donnie Darko S. Darko, and the movie was about going back in time and how we would change a situation if we had the power to do so and how it would effect each person in our lives and i felt as if it was giving me an answer, and that was to move on, and the sad part about it was all i can think about was him, and what can possibly happen between us, and i knew that was my answer! but it makes me even more confused cause i cant put myself in that same situation again, i cant let myself get hurt again and thats why i had to tell him that we had to slow things down. but now it makes me even more confused, i know that Mark is a good guy, no wait hes a great guy! but im not so great! i dont know if i can trust myself, i dont know what i want? and i feel horrible its not fair to him and its not fair to me! i guess only time will tell, and im still waiting for that next sign on what to do..
well on another note for our birthdays Adrian bought us tickets to go see a concert in Oakland, it was fun i got really drunk i dont even really remember the concert i was talking to everyone else and making friends that i didnt even pay attention to it, and than again me and Mark got into another argumen in front of Adrian, he pinched me really hard cause i was talking to some gay guys, its just so crazy to me! well that next day we went to Carnival, and i swear i had this weird prementition that i was going to see a psychic there and when we went i did! this young girl comes up to me and tells me she sees something, so i go talk to her and the lady starts telling me all these wierd things like she said my family hates to see me suceed and that theres one person in my family that hates it when I do! that its as if all her negative energy has cursed me into not doing good in my life! and i thought that is so crazy cause who else could it be but, u know who..she told me that i hurt a lot and its as if i sometimes wear a clown mask to hide my true feelings and to make people think im happy on the outside when im really hurting on the inside. She told me that i had recentlly gotten really hurt by someone lately, but i knew all along that i was living in a fantasy world! i swear i started to cry it was so strange all that she told me, and than she had mentioned that when i was young i used to play with the Ouija board and some of the spirits stayed wiht me. And what got me was that she mentoned how all this time ive been hurting and thinking that God was not listening to me or cared about me but all along he's been here by my side listening and wiping my tears away, it was crazy! because i kept telling MArk that i feel like God has given up on me! i dont know what my future is going to bring but i just want things to get better, and as ive said many times before, i dont ask to be rich or famous all i ask is to be happy i would give up everything to just feel that happiness again...

So things are ok, went to San francisco this weekend to spend time with my husbands family it was cool, we had a lot of fun, went to Golden Gate Park, rode bikes, went on some boats, and went dancing at night, i actually ahd a good time getting my mind off things, me and Mark, and Me and ?? I think its just time to move on I really dont care anymore! everything was so not worth it to me! I regret so much and in return all I got was heart ache! so good bye for good!
but im feeling better Mark and I are working things out, were getting along good, it was really weird though I admit when I saw my brother in law after he read everything I wrote I felt really uncomfortable! I felt as if he saw me different now, lik maybe he was dissapointed in me or something.... but we talked about it and he's actually very understanding about the whole situation it was just weird cause I felt like they all knew or soemthing what had happened.

"Let Me Go"

One more kiss could be the best thing But one more lie could be the worst, And all these thoughts are never resting, And you're not something I deserve, In my head there's only you now, This world falls on me, In this world there's real and make believe And this seems real to me..

You love me but you don't know who I am, I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand, And you love me but you don't know who I am.... So let me go, just Let me go! I dream ahead to what I hope for, And I turned my back on loving you, How can this love be a good thing, When I know what I'm goin through, In my head there's only you now, This world falls on me, In this world there's real and make believe, And this seems real to me..

You love me but you don't know who I am, I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand, You love me but you don't know who I am, So let me go, Just Let me go...Let me go, And no matter how hard I try I can't escape these things inside I know....When all the pieces fall apart You will be the only one who knows! So let me go, Just let me go!

He's never going to forgive me, and maybe im never going to forgive him for abandoning me when I needed him the most! I regret everything that I did! I regret falling for someone that didnt really care about me, your on the other side of the world happy and im here suffering from it all, I dont regret meeting you but I regret everything that happened because I have to deal with it all now! I dont know if we'll ever get past all this, I dont know if you'll ever trust me again, but what you dont understand this all happened because you were childish and couldnt grow up! Understand what you did to me still hurts! Understand that things between are difficult becuase you cant move on with this, Forgive me or just let me go already!

So last night me and some coworkers went out to celebrate one of our friends birthdays, we ended up going to dinner and than after to have drinks, it was actally fun Ive been trying to get them to all to go out for a long time but there always so sqaure and dont ever want to do shit, but they are actullay starting to open up now, I see a change in all of them, ever since Ive been back at work things with everyone has changed with Ale, with Claude, ever since Claude was introduced to Who'sHere i see a chnage in her she's more open to things to meeting people, at work all she does is chat its pretty funny I think she's starting to see what the real world is about all the dirty naughty things that are in this world, but im happy for her she's finally coming out of her shell. I can tell her self esteem is getting better she dresses up now she curls her hair wears makeup and everything. So last night we all had an awesome time laughing and cracking jokes Ale was even having a good time, I dont think she's laughed like that in a long time, I dont think any of us have. Maybe me getting sick did have a purpose, it changed all the relationships that ive had with people, with my friends, with my family, with my husband and I, Its made us all see things different, maybe I was the ticket for everyone to make a change in there life, and not take for granted what we have. At work it brought us all back together again, all the crap that had happened in the past between us all, is gone now, were all friends again, maybe not like we used to be, but at leaste we can all laugh together again. And that makes me happy, even though I still feel lost and confused it matters to me that I at leaste made a diiference in the lives of the people around me. So anyways we all had a few drinks and after a while the gang left and I called Mark to pick us up cause Claude couldn't drive and yes she actually drank I was in shock along with everyone else, but she was having a good time and thats all that mattered, see Claude is one of my religious to the core friends, she doesnt understand gay people or approve of there life style, she attends church on an everyday bases and prays religiously!! she's closed minded to a lot of things but is now starting to see the world as it really is, and yes I had to be the one to show it to her, why am I such a corrupter! I always tend to have this crazy affect on people and when there around me they tend to do things they originally woulldnt do, hmmmmm and not always is that a good thing. Well we ended up taking her to Paradise a gay bar of course and Maria and I wanted to just go to dance, Claudia was a little tripped out at first she kept saying how she didnt know any of that kind of stuff existed, and I was like "honey you have a lot to learn" but she was ok we danced and I made friends like I usually do, we had fun I think she was a little tripped out after a while cause Maria and I got a little crazy so we ended up going home, Maria ended up staying at the house and I passed out after incredible ....All in all it was a good night....

My mind keeps going and going thinking about all the stupid things ive done im my life, my consious is killing me! I feel so stupid to have believed all the stupid crap that people have said and have tried to make me believe...maybe I said all the wrong things too, What is wrong with me? Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Why cant I stop? I feel like such a horrible person! All the shit that I have done in my life, I dont understand why I keep doing this to myself JUST STOP ALREADY!!!!
But I cant! I dont want too! But I do! My mind is saying no but my body says yes! and my heart doesnt know anymore! I feeel so confused with everything, I dont know where I want this life of mines to go anymore, theres so much more I want to do that im confused I dont want to hurt him anymore, I dont want to hurt myself anymore, I just wish things were different, I wish I could go back in time and change it all. These feelings that I have, these thoughts that I have, they haunt me, but yet I dont learn.

Even though im far away, IM REAL! Even though you cant see me or touch me, IM REAL! Im a real person with feelings! My heart is Real! My pain is real! Even though you may not know it! Why did all this have to happen? I was fine before all this, before you! Why did you have to make everything so much more complicated! Everything ive done and everything I had to go through was just for nothing! I hate you! I love you! I wish I would have never met you! Why wont it go away? Just go away already! You dont need me anymore stop pretending you care!

"The Real Life"

I wanted to find somewhere to hide
And I opened up and left those fears inside
And I wanted to be anyone else
Only to find that there was noone there but me

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

I let those hard days get me down
And all the things I hate got in my way
I could of screamed without a sound
I found myself silenced by those things they say

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

Thats out there somewhere
And it cant be that far away
Thats where ill find myself
And ill find my way out
Thats where ill find out

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

"MY 80'S BIRTHDAY BASH!"

PICTURES FROM THE PAST YEAR OF MY LIFE..

So im here at work just killin time and thouight id write since I have so many things on my mind, so things are going good for once me and Mark talked about things yesterday and were trying to work things out, I love him and always will, but yes things have changed i have to remember what it was like before all this happened, I have to remember why it is that I fell in love with him, and I know i will eventually, I know I just need time to heal things have been so hard lately he doesnt undwerstand what I went through was really hard, I dont think any body could imagine the pain and emotional suffering I went through and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Just imagine not knowing if your going to live or die, and imagine the things you would be thinking, it came to a point where I seriously didnt care anymore and i was really ready to go, everyday is a struggle for me, and yes sometimes I do still feel the same, I dont know if i'll ever feel different sometimes I love life and sometimes I hate my life sooo bad that I want to give up! I ask myself everyday what my purpose in life is? and I still cant figure it out, I probably wont ever know why, all the shit that I had to deal with I felt as if God was testing me, but I failed once again! Why cant I seem to learn? I keep making the same mistakes over and over and I feel so guilty, I know Mark didnt deserve what I did he's an incredible person, but I also cant help what I felt either, and thats what he doesnt understand, I felt alone and abandoned by him and everyone! it sucks to feel like your own partner isnt attracted to you or feel like they dont want you anymore and maybe I shouldnt have given up on him so fast but I really felt like he had given up on me! yeh I had strayed and met an incredible person, but he made me feel good at a time in my life when I was very down and maybe I was gullible and naive to think that something could really happen between us, but I needed someone to make me feel good when all I could think about is if I was going to die or not. Its crazy and I ask myself why me? why did I have to go through what I did? but I think everything happens for a reason and maybe this happened to open up my eyes that life has so much more too offer and not to take it for granted or the people that we love for granted! and Im ready to move on with my life and make a fresh new start with Mark, I feel guilty that I hurt him, I always told him I would hurt him, and maybe in the back of my mind I wanted him to leave me cause I always felt I wasnt good enough for him, but he chose to stick by me through everything and I know now that, thats real love! Love is so complicated if I knew being married would be so hard I might have thought twice but, I do love him even though things between us have changed I know it'll get better and we'll remember why we first fell in love again. And as for my friend as wierd as it sounds im happy that he found someone yeh it hurts but I feel like people come into your life everyday for a reason, he made me love again and feel loved, he made me a different person and I will forever be greatful to him for that, he made me see myself in a different way! I know I probably will never be happy with who I am but I know now that its possible to love myself. So In all I guess I do know why this all happened, my best friend once told me that I brought people together and that was always my main focus in life, it was to bring people together, and to make a difference in someones life and Im pretty sure I did! when you go through stuff like this it puts a new perspective on life, I know now to only care and put your energy into people that actually care because for so long I cared about what people thought of me and I learned that it shouldnt matter, it should only matter what you think of yourself! I learned not to take the little things in life for granted anymore, I learned that love is a powerful thing, it could hurt and make you feel things you never thought you could ever feel, but what is life withought love? One day i'll be able to look back at all this and understand and maybe even laugh... but until than all I can do is live every day to the fullest and like its my last...

Well theres been so many things that are going on in my life i dont even know where to start, I went through a really bad health scare recently, it all started last November me and Mark were supposed to go out one night and of course what was he doing but yes playing his stupid video game, I kept on him telling him lets go but he just ignored me like he usually did and so i got really mad and ended up drinking and getting really drunk to where i couldnt even remember what happened that night, well that weekend i felt really tired not sick like a hangover but tired as if i couldnt even get out of bed, So i went to work that next couple of days and my knee and shoulder started hurting i ended up going to the Dr. they couldnt find anything wrong so i went and got ex rays and they still found nothing it felt as if i broke my leg or something but there was nothing broken or sprained, anyways i ended up in the emergency because i was in so much pain! i was out of work for a whole month i couldnt move at all I couldnt go to the bathroom by mysel, i couldnt comb my own hair, or even feed myself it was very hard! and yeah Marco was there but emotionally he wasnt. And than he lost his job and started working at night and things changed. well i did end up going back to work in December and i felt fine for a while but i started feeling my body hurting again, and well for New Years Eve we had all planned to go to LA and hang out with everyone but i got so bad i couldnt really walk and i was in a lot of pain that we ended up driving back home and i spent my whole new Years in the emergency room, it was so sad! the next day i was in so much pain i went to see my Dr. and he ended up admitting me in the hospital, well on New Years Eve they had given me cat scan and when the dr. came into the office with my whole family there he had told us all that it looked like i had a brain tumor...and at that moment My heart stopped i didnt know what to think, so many things went through my mind, i automatically thought i was going to die! what else are you to think when someone tells you that, but I couldnt even cry i didnt know what to really think, my whole family started crying and the only thing that came into my mind was that I was finally getting what I had been asking for, for so long! I ended up staying in the hospitol for over a week and everyday that past i was getting worse and worse I couldnt move my whole right side of my body I couldnt even open my hand or move my toes, it was the scariest thing ever i thought i was going to be paralyzed forever and never be able to move or walk again, and thats what I was most afraid of, not so much dying cause I was already to die. After a week I did end up going home they still didnt know what was wrong with me and they wanted to send me to a specialist in San Francisco, we were already talking to a nuero surgeon planning on what was going to be done, they wanted to do a biopsy and everything. So when i got home i was really amazed to see my husbands family was really there for me, I was so shocked! they helped me out a lot by coming to clean, washing my clothes and even cook for me, i couldnt believe it cause they never even would come to our house, or even really talk to me much and even Adrian came and cooked for me made sure i had food to eat for a week, it was very nice of them, i was really sad and hurt that my family didnt even come by until a month later but its what i expect from them. It was strange to find out that the people that you think will be there for you arent and the people that you think wont be are! I was surprised that even Lyndall was coming by and helping me even Maria Takara came by, but in the back of my mind I could tell it was a pitty visit, im sure they felt guilty thinking that i might die and felt regretful of the crap they did to me, it was just strange but I didnt even care becuase i needed all the friends i could get, with my family not being very supportive and all. Well i ended up getting better over time but i was going to San Francisco every week to see a specialist I was all kinds of crazy tests I had to get a spinal tap that really hurt ive been through a lot of pain in my life and im usually ok with pain but that hurt soo much!! I was doing MRI's here and there, eye tests..everything! And now im better they did rule out that its not a tumor but they think i might have multiple sclorosis, all the symptoms i have are very similar to someone with MS, but there not sure yet because my case is so different from anyone else that has it so i now have to wait and see what happens. I feel way better now i can walk and move normally im not quite a 100% i might not ever be, but i know im going to live! (unfortunaltely) and thats another thing when you go through something like this you start to see life in a very different way, there was a time when i wanted so much to give up and say God im ready to go, and i really didnt care anymore, i felt like i would be a lot happier if I were to just die! and I was really ready, I thought ive done pretty much everything ive wanted to do and was ready to accept that my life was over, I couldnt think about my future or what was going to happen because I really felt as if I didnt have one and I started to feel really depressed, and also because I felt so alone! after a while the attention died out and I was by myself a lot of the time, i couldnt really go anywhere I was home a lot and Mark was gone working all night, I felt lonely and scared and really felt as if no one cared anymore. So me and Mark have been having problems for some time now weve totally grown apart because of all the drama that he had been putting me through with his stupid game and all and I felt really distant from him, all the time he made me feel like he didnt care or love me the same anymore, I felt ugly and abandoned by him our sex life was non existant and he acted like he didnt care anymore, and he was there for me physically by helping me out at home and all but he wasnt emotionally! I couldnt talk to him about how I felt or anything cause he didnt want to hear it and I needed for him to listen to me say that I wanted to give up but I couldnt tell him those things, and well I started seeking attention from other people, and I ended up meeting someone on this stupid application my phone has called Who'sHere, he was amazing he was like no other man I had ever met before, and we connected although he was from halfway around the world, and thats what made it even more interesting connecting with someone that lived so far away, we started chatting everyday, emailing eachother, talking, and I even began to see him on a web cam, it was nice being able to talk to someone about what i was going through it was nice expressing my feelings to someone that actually cared. And he did,(so I thought) he listened to everything i had to say whether it was how i wanted to give up on life or how i hated myself and everything! and I needed someone to hear me say that I wanted to die! and how I really felt about what was going on, and he did and I started to fall for him big time, he was gorgeous and nice and supposedly cared about me too, he was sending me emails about how he was falling for me too and how he felt that he was in love with me, and I felt the same way and we became really close, everyday we were chatting we talked in the morning and in the evening, it became a daily routine that I would be in some kind of contact with him, and him being so far made it even more interesting and I couldnt believe how I could be falling for someone that I had never even met! Mark and I were fading even more and more and my feelings for him had changed, they had actually been changing for a long time ever since he had been acting stupid and didnt care,I had given up on him and my love for him changed, I loved him, but I didnt know if I was still in love with him anymore i felt as if he gave up on me and i had given up on him too..and yes the one mistake i did make with my friend was not telling him that I was married, I felt really bad and guilty, but i hadnt because i never thought it would have came to what it did, I felt like as if I was really falling in love with him, and I knew it was only right for me to tell him, and I was so scared too but i did and I cried and I told him the truth that I was married, and he was ok with it, he said he understood because he went through something similar, and still talked to me the same. Things between us became more and more serious we were seeing eachother on a web cam, and it was awesome! I had never been so turned on by a man in my whole life! he made me feel things i couldnt believe. He made feel alive again! Cause for the first time someone saw me the way I had been wanting to be seen, and although he was on the other side of the world and we were only seeing eachother on a web cam I felt like when he was looking at my through the computer I felt like he was really looking at me in my eyes, and it felt nice! And I had talked about before how If I was ever going to have a connection with someone again and if I would ever have those butterflies or if someone would ever get to know the real me again and I did, he made me feel good about myself I felt pretty for once, noone had ever made me feel that way in my life! We even discussed me going to visit him in Belgium and I really thought about it, I wanted to go more than anything! I felt me going there was going to help make me decide whether my relationship at home was worth keeping or not, but i couldnt make a decison and i told him yes and than no and than again yes and again no, but I thought about what it would be like to see him face to face and how it would be to touch him, kiss him and possibly even make love to him, but I was scared too. And As for me and Mark things were already bad, i was unsure about how I was feeling for him, I love him as a person, we get along but as friends, sometimes it feels as if were only roomates and thats it, my love for him is different now I dont know if I felt the same way anymore, I dont know if I felt the same about our relationship anymore , So yes I did have mixed emotions about actually going there and at the last moment I decided fuck it! im going to go! what did i have to lose me and Mark were practically over anyways, and I wanted to especially after my whole thing that I went through, I felt as if I didnt have anything to lose anymore, and what if I were to die this would have been my last chance to see what was out there, BUT when I told him my decision to go there, he told me he didnt want me to anymore because he had met someone I was in shock! my heart felt like someone just ripped it out of my body! I hadnt been crushed like that in sooo long, probably since middle school when Edward Hernandez my supposed soul mate told me he just wanted to be my friend, I just didnt understand how someone could say they are in love with you one minute and the next say sorry I dont want to see you anymore! Everything till that moment I thought things had been going great between us, but now I think back and I seriously dont know what the fuck I was thinking I was seriously living in some kind of fantasy world thinking something would have happened between us, or that he really loved me, I wanted someone to love me again and I wanted to feel love so much that I didnt care about anything I didnt care about how it would affect me and Marks relationship or what was going to happen between us, I just wanted so bad to feel something good that was going to make me forget about all the pain and suffering I had been going through but I felt so heart broken after I didnt even want to talk to him anymore, and I tried! I really tried not emailing him or texting him but I couldnt! I had tried many times before, because I knew deep down inside he would only bring me heartache, but I chose to ignore it, I knew I shouldve stopped a long time ago before it got out of control but I chose to keep talking to him. I just didnt understand he fell "out of love" with me so fast and I guess I do understand that things changed because I said I was married but I felt I was ready to move on with my life, there were problems happening in my marriage for a long time. I started to feel as if I scared him away with all my drama with Mark, he probably thought to himself why the hell did I ever get involved with her?! we talked still after that, still flirted but I noticed he started to change, he didn’t talk to me the same , he was drifting away, there were no more nice emails or texts, and Now things are weird its not the same anymore, I was begining to feel stupid as I was always throwing myself at him but he just kest rejecting me, and I realized I needed to just move on, I could’ve really given him my all but he chose not to do the same. How could he pass up the opportunity to meet someone that he made a connection with from halfway around the world, I would have never rejected him like that especially over someone he says he supposedly had just met, and in the end ended up breaking his heart! I really hope he regrets it one day in the end! But it doesn’t even matter anymore, I do still care for him but you can only be rejected so many times before you give up. Its just strange now I don’t see him anymore and we don’t talk like we used to, and I miss that cause for how many months it was all about him! I still think about him and of course the things we used to do and talk about but things are different I don’t really understand him anymore, maybe cause I did end up complicating his life after I told him I probably would, it just started feeling like he only wanted me when it was convenient for him, and now he tells me hes seeing someone else again. He told me one day he would be thinking about me but with an ache in heart, when I was in LA and what I had told him I was going to do, why would he tell me that if he didn’t care? its like he was sending me mixed signals, but I gave up, I know things will never be the same and it hurts like brand new shoes! I sometimes feel even more torn than I did in the beginning and I feel like I messed everything up between me and my husband, he didn’t want me and now i feel ive lost him too I know he'll never be able to trust me or forgive me and that kills me.... Saturday I was sitting watching a movie thinking around this time I would have been talking to him and I felt sad and alone, and I cried, not because he wasn’t there but because I felt really alone and heart broken because of everything that I had done! I don’t know what my future is going to bring but I know now that its time to move on and its ok I guess, this is what life and love is all about, feeling pain and accepting that your not always going to get what you want, and learning to be happy with just yourself, and even though I know I may never be happy with myself I know now that I can love again and hopefully one day be loved back in return the way I want too...



"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me