So im here at work just killin time and thouight id write since I have so many things on my mind, so things are going good for once me and Mark talked about things yesterday and were trying to work things out, I love him and always will, but yes things have changed i have to remember what it was like before all this happened, I have to remember why it is that I fell in love with him, and I know i will eventually, I know I just need time to heal things have been so hard lately he doesnt undwerstand what I went through was really hard, I dont think any body could imagine the pain and emotional suffering I went through and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Just imagine not knowing if your going to live or die, and imagine the things you would be thinking, it came to a point where I seriously didnt care anymore and i was really ready to go, everyday is a struggle for me, and yes sometimes I do still feel the same, I dont know if i'll ever feel different sometimes I love life and sometimes I hate my life sooo bad that I want to give up! I ask myself everyday what my purpose in life is? and I still cant figure it out, I probably wont ever know why, all the shit that I had to deal with I felt as if God was testing me, but I failed once again! Why cant I seem to learn? I keep making the same mistakes over and over and I feel so guilty, I know Mark didnt deserve what I did he's an incredible person, but I also cant help what I felt either, and thats what he doesnt understand, I felt alone and abandoned by him and everyone! it sucks to feel like your own partner isnt attracted to you or feel like they dont want you anymore and maybe I shouldnt have given up on him so fast but I really felt like he had given up on me! yeh I had strayed and met an incredible person, but he made me feel good at a time in my life when I was very down and maybe I was gullible and naive to think that something could really happen between us, but I needed someone to make me feel good when all I could think about is if I was going to die or not. Its crazy and I ask myself why me? why did I have to go through what I did? but I think everything happens for a reason and maybe this happened to open up my eyes that life has so much more too offer and not to take it for granted or the people that we love for granted! and Im ready to move on with my life and make a fresh new start with Mark, I feel guilty that I hurt him, I always told him I would hurt him, and maybe in the back of my mind I wanted him to leave me cause I always felt I wasnt good enough for him, but he chose to stick by me through everything and I know now that, thats real love! Love is so complicated if I knew being married would be so hard I might have thought twice but, I do love him even though things between us have changed I know it'll get better and we'll remember why we first fell in love again. And as for my friend as wierd as it sounds im happy that he found someone yeh it hurts but I feel like people come into your life everyday for a reason, he made me love again and feel loved, he made me a different person and I will forever be greatful to him for that, he made me see myself in a different way! I know I probably will never be happy with who I am but I know now that its possible to love myself. So In all I guess I do know why this all happened, my best friend once told me that I brought people together and that was always my main focus in life, it was to bring people together, and to make a difference in someones life and Im pretty sure I did! when you go through stuff like this it puts a new perspective on life, I know now to only care and put your energy into people that actually care because for so long I cared about what people thought of me and I learned that it shouldnt matter, it should only matter what you think of yourself! I learned not to take the little things in life for granted anymore, I learned that love is a powerful thing, it could hurt and make you feel things you never thought you could ever feel, but what is life withought love? One day i'll be able to look back at all this and understand and maybe even laugh... but until than all I can do is live every day to the fullest and like its my last...