Ok so sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs “I HATE WORK AHHHHHH!!!” yeh I swear I cant even take a few minutes to take a shit without someone buggin! And now that I sit in no mans land with the snitch! I have to even more so watch my back, I used to think before, the person that I am at work is the person I am at home I don’t fake nothing who you see is what you get but I learned my lesson I have to be 2 people now the wild and crazy one at home in my own place were I can be free! And than the boring worker at work I learned my lesson people got issues and cant deal with reality, there too busy being snitches and metiches! So that’s what im doing no more Mrs. nice girl not after all the drama of the whole wedding! So we may be cool at work or whatever but I am not your homie anymore, no more hanging out outside of work! Not when I think you’re my friend and than catch your ass talking shit behind my back I swear this is why I hate working with women they fucken stab you in the back every time no matter how fucken nice I am, they still get me I don’t understand why? I try to be cool with people but they still hate, women! So anyways yeh I got this promotion but I need money! What can I do to make money? Without working? Only if it was that easy, so I saw this infomercial the other day and usually I don’t go much for those kinds of things but they were talking about buying real estate like gvt foreclosure homes and stuff and selling them and it seemed kinda interesting so im going to look in to it and see what happens well allright got to go before some metiche sees me on the internet!

Gosh its been so crazy lately I just got a promotion at work so ive been crazy busy lately I don’t have time to do anything. Im finally an Intake Specialist" cool huh! I didnt even have to apply, well it pretty much means more work for me and nopay increase that is until Mr. Arnold decides to give us people some funding. Well lets see what’s been happening too much, my friends came down a couple of weekends ago it was cool we went out we didn’t do what we wanted to do but it was ok. Well Mark’s aunt had this party for her birthday that Saturday night and we didn’t go Of course because we had company, something they cant still understand is that we don’t always have to be there his family has a thing about that. We are always with them. Anyways Marks dumb cousin was offering his sister some stuff and I don’t know how he we came up but he started saying shit that we do it, or whatever drama u know so im scared that rumors are going to start. So I guess his sister was trippin, ok so we dabble a little bit with stuff every once and a great while but were not fucken crack whores or anything and believe me I speak from experience I know how it is to be hooked I was hooked for a long time until I started becoming an insomniac and that’s what stopped me I cant stand that feeling, so I don’t do it hardly. And as for mark he never does it, if anything its me. Well im just scared they might find out and blame it on me saying its all my fault, if it gets around, his little brother was already trippin shit only if they really know what we do. But anyways so my poor baby has this weird thing called Bells Palsy I had never heard of it but its supposed not that uncommon people at work know people that had it, and say it goes away its just when a muscle or something in your face gets inflamed and it causes the face to droop yeh were scared I know he is, but im sure he’ll be ok he’s staying home right now, taking some time off work. He needs it I just feel so bad for him hes been acting all sad ive never seen him this way, he sleeps all day doesn’t want to talk to me, I know he feels shitty but hopefully things will be ok soon. Well as for me, we went to Augie’s b-day last weekend and well the night before I was feeling kinda funny but I brushed it off nothing happened, and than I felt that weird feeling at the party and the next thing I know I was on the floor I passed out everybody got scared I could imagine how it looked, now everybody’s trippin off both of us were both fucked I swear! but im ok I keep saying to myself that its not going to happen again but I don’t know. Well its almost Halloween can u believe that shit, time is going by so fast its almost 2004 life is passing me by. I feel old I need to do something with myself can you believe for the first time i actually saw myself having a baby, I never thought id say that I must be getting old! but later on. ok back to work I go before I get really behind so until next time....

October 6, 2003
IM BACK HERE AGAIN ONCE MORE WISHING I WASN’T, IM FEELING A LITTLE IRRITATED FOR SOME REASON, I ALMOST SNAPPED AT THE LITTLE CRIPPLED LADY, “ARE YOU TELLING OUR CLIENTS INTAKE? OR ORIENTATION? BECAUSE BLAH BLAH! WHO THE FUCK CARES! DOES IT REALLY MATTER THAT YOU’RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB, AND TRYING TO BLAME IT ON ME. I LEARNED SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT TYPE OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ME AND EVERYONE ELSE I NEVER REALLY REALIZED HOW CLOSED MINDED PEOPLE ARE, SEE I HAVE THIS WAY OF THINKING, VERY OPEN MINDED ABOUT THINGS, CARE FREE ABOUT PEOPLE AND THERE WAYS, BUT I NEVER REALIZED THAT NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE ME, PEOPLE ARE DIFFICULT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO HELP SOMEONE, BE FRIENDLY OR WANT CARE, TEACH THEM SOMETHING NEW, PEOPLE JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO BACK STAB YOU, MAKE YOU THINK THERE RIGHT! AND YOUR WRONG, OR SIMPLY TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK WHILE THE SAME TIME THEY’RE PRETENDING TO BE YOUR FRIEND IN YOUR FACE! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THERES ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMEONE THAT’S GOING TO BRING YOU DOWN, NO MATTER HOW FRIENDLY OR NICE YOU ARE. THERES ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE HARD HEADED ASSHOLES OF THE WORLD! SO WATCH OUT NO MORE MRS. NICE GIRL! PEOPLE WILL NEVER LEARN.
SO BESIDES ALL THE BULL SHIT LIFE BROUGHT ME THIS WEEKEND IT ACTUALLY TURNED OUT PRETTY OK, FRIDAY MY FAMILY CAME OVER ATE DINNER, AND WATCHED “FREDA” MY GRANDMA REALLY LIKED IT, THAT MOVIE GETS ME EVERYTIME MAKES ME WANT TO DRINK TEQUILA! AND PAINT AGAIN. SATURDAY WAS MY BRO-IN-LAWS HOUSE WARMING PARTY, IT WENT OK, I HAD FUN, EVEN THOUGH I LIKE TO MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF BECAUSE I REALLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK! IM HAVING A GOOD TIME AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT TOO MUTHA FUCKEN BADD! YEH THERES A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE TRYING TO BE TOO COOL TO ENJOY LIFE, LIKE FOR EXAMPLE THERE WERE THESE GUYS IN A CORNER, DANCING BY THEMSELVES SO I WENT OVER THERE HAD TO BUST A FEW OF MY MOVES AND THERE STILL HIDING WITH EACHOTHER, WHEN THE WHOLE TIME THERES PRETTY GIRLS DANCING BY THEMSELFVES, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE MALE SPECIES. SO IM BEGINING TO THINK EVERYONES IN A CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME HAHA IM BEING CRAZY BUT SHIT I SWEAR I FEEL LIKE NO MATTER HOW FUCKEN NICE I AM PEOPLE ARE STILL ASSHOLES TOWARD ME. I DON’T KNOW JOELS RIGHT YOU GOTTA WATCH WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE. WELL IT WAS COOL I THINK PEOPLE HOLD IN WHO THEY REALLY ARE TOO MUCH, ME IM JUST ME I DON’T TRY TO HIDE WHO I AM FROM ANYBODY, WE ALL NEED TO LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE AND MAYBE WE’D ENJOY LIFE A LITTLE MORE. WELL GUESS WHO WAS THERE, YES SARAH! IF THERES ONE PERSON I CAN’T STAND ITS HER JUST BECAUSE! YEH SHES SKINNY NOW SO WHAT! SHES STILL A BITCH! IM WONDERING IF SHES RELATED TO LUNCHBOX, SHE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE AROUND WHEN THEY HAVE FAMILY FUNCTIONS, SO IT MUST RUN IN THE FAMILY! HMMMM
SUNDAY MARKS FAMILY AND I ALL WENT TO THE PUMPKIN PATCH IT WAS FUN, SO HIS DAD IS OPENING UP A LITTLE MORE TO ME THESE DAYS, I STILL THINK HE DON’T LIKE ME BECAUSE IM NOT MEXICAN ENOUGH BUT HES BEEN COOL LATELY, WE HAD FUN WITH HIS AUNT AND UNCLE AND AUGIES 2 KIDS, HAUNTED HOUSE, HAY RIDE, TRAIN IN THE CORN FIELD. NOT TOO BAD. WELL THIS WEEKEND SHOULD BE COOL IM TAKING A 3 DAY WEEKEND TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HERE AND BECAUSE BETO AND THEM ARE COMING DOWN SO IM SURE WE’LL HAVE FUN, SO UNTIL THAN…..

SEPTEMBER 30, 03
AT LEASTE ONCE IN YOUR LIFE I THINK EVERYONE WILL MEET SOMEONE THAT WILL MAKE AN IMPACT ON THEM WETHER ITS ABOUT THERE PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE OR JUST HOW THEY SEE THE WORLD, IVE HAD TWO PEOPLE AS OF RECENTLY, WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH I MET THIS PERSON, DANIEL I USED TO LOOK UP TO HIM BECAUSE I LOVED THE WAY HE LOOKED AT LIFE HE HAD NO CARES IN THE WORLD, I WANTED SO MUCH TO BE JUST LIKE HIM, I STARTED TO TALK LIKE HIM, SEE THINGS THE WAY HE DID, AND ITS STRANGE BUT I KNOW WE ARE ALL ON THIS EARTH FOR EACHOTHER, WERE ALL HERE FOR A PURPOSE. HE TAUGHT ME THINGS, AND HOPEFULY ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SEE THAT ABOUT ME. WELL I HAD MY EVALUATION YESTURDAY AT WORK AND MY SUPERVISOR GAVE ME A GOOD ONE EVERYTHING ON IT WAS GOOD. THE ONLY THING HE HAD TO SAY WAS THAT I NEED TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE, BE MORE ASSERTIVE, AND TAKE CHARGE! AND THAT GOT US INTO THIS WHOLE BIG THING ON LIFE, I TOLD HIM WELL THAT’S A PROBLEM I HAVE IN EVERYDAY LIFE AS MUCH AS I WANT TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE I CANT AND ITS NOT THAT IM SCARED BUT ITS NOT ME TO GO OFF ON SOMEONE. IM TOO DAM NICE. SO WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT STUFF AND HE WANTS TO BE A FAMILY COUNSLOR IN A RELIGIOUS PERSPECTIVE,THATS COOL SO ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER I WAS TELLING HIM MY WHOLE LIFE STORY AND HE WAS TELLING ME HIS, AND IT WAS STRANGE I NEVER THOUGHT HED SEE THINGS THE SAME WAY I DO, WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON AND I REALLY LEARNED ALOT FROM HIM I KNOW I HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES AND HE MADE ME THINK A LOT ABOUT MY LIFE AND WERE IM HEADED, MY SELF CONCIOUS PROBLEM, YEH I HAVE A SELF CONTIOUS PROBLEM I DON’T LIKE MYSELF VERY MUCH, I DON’T LIKE THE WAY I LOOK, AM EVERYTHING! AND I KNOW I WANT TO CHANGE BUT, IVE BEEN FELLING THIS WAY FOR SO LONG THAT IT’S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW, I HAVE NO WILL POWER TO DO IT. SO IT OPENED MY EYES AND MADE ME SEE THAT LIFE GOES BY SO FAST I DON’T WANT TO LOOK BACK ON TODAY AND THINK WHY DID I WAIT OR WHAT WAS I THINKING? SO IM TRYING TO TURN MY LIFE AROUND AND HELP MYSELF BEFORE I DECIDE TO HELP ANYONE ELSE. WE’LL SEE HOW THAT GOES….OH YEH IM GETTING A PROMOTION COOL HUH?

SEPTEMBER 29, 03

I HAVE THIS GOAL IN LIFE, AND IM NOT ASHAMED OF IT, ILL TELL YOU IF YOU ASK, YEH SO I WANT TO BE A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD, ITS CRAZY AND DIFFERENT, NOT YOUR EVERYDAY SORDA DOCTOR SORDA THING BUT, ITS JUST SOMETHING IVE WANTED FOR A LONG TIME, AND IT’S A DREAM OF COURSE, A DREAM I WILL NEVER FULLFILL PROBABLEY BUT IT DOESN’T HURT TO DREAM RIGHT, EVERYONE DOES IT…WETHER YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR OR ASTRONAUT OR WHATEVER BUT FOR ME ITS BECAUSE I HAVE A SELF CONFIDENCE ISSUE, I THINK THE NAKED BODY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING AND ITS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASED ABOUT IF YOU HAVE IT, FLAUNT IT, ITS LIKE AN ART, I DON’T KNOW YESTURDAY ME AND MARK WERE TALKING ABOUT IT AND HE KNOWS THAT IT’S A DREAM THAT I HAVE, AND HE KNOWS THAT I WILL UNFORTUNETLEY NEVER GET THERE BUT , I TOLD HIM IMAGINE I DID GET THE CHANCE WOULD HE REALLY LET ME KNOWING THAT FRIENDS, AND FAMILY WOULD SEE ME IN THE FLESH, AND HE SAID TO ME WOULDN’T I BE EMBARRASED? AND I WOULDN’T BE ITS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD DO FOR MYSELF TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND HE SAID WELL WHY DO I NEED TO SHOW MY BODY TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL? I CANT EXPLAIN IT BUT ITS JUST MY WAY OF FEALING THAT I THINK I WOULD FINALLY FEEL BEAUTIFUL ABOUT MYSLEF AND ITS WEIRD YEH I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AND THINK I LOOK GOOD OR WHATEVER I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS PRETTY, IVE ALWAYS HAD LOW SELF ESTEEM I LOOK AT MYSLEF NOW AND I THINK THAT I AM JUST GROSSE, I CANT STAND THE WAY I LOOK I FEEL SO UGLY! I CANT FIT INTO NONE OF MY CLOTHES IVE GAINED LIKE 20 POUNDS SINCE I GOT MARRIED AND I SWORE TO MYSLEF I WOULDN’T LET THAT HAPPEN I DON’T KNOW ITS JUST SO HARD I HATE THE WAY I LOOK AND TO BE IN PLAYBOY WOULD MEAN ALOT TO ME, BUT I DON’T HAVE THE DRIVE TO DO IT, YEH IF I WANTED TO I CAN MAKE MY LAZY ASS RUN AND EXCERSISE BUT I DON’T HAVE THE WILL POWER TO DO ANYTHING, IT SUCKS! I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF SOMETIMES, HOW COULD YOU WANT SOMETHING SO BAD AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT?
I THINK WHAT MY PROMLEM IS, IS THAT IM SCARED, IM SCARED OF EVERYTHING! AS PATHETIC AS IT SOUNDS I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE ME BY THE HAND AND SHOW ME! AND WELL MARK ISNT THE FITNESS GURU I WISH HE WAS. SO I DON’T KNOW IT’S A DREAM AND ALL I CAN DO IS DREAM ABOUT IT…. ALL MY LIFE IVE ALWAYS FELT WORTHLESS THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH WITH RICKY, MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WAS NOBODY, I WANT ONE DAY TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK IM BEAUTIFUL, I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AND THAT’S THE ONLY WAY THAT WOULD DO IT. I KNOW I GOT SERIOUS ISSUES WITH MYSELF I THINK TOO MUCH, IM NEEDY, SCARED, MARK SEZ I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT AND I DO IF ITS GOING TO EFFECT OR RELATIONSHIP, I WILL I JUST GOT TOO MANY THINGS GOING ON IN MY HEAD MORE THAN I THINK THE NORMAL JOE DOES, BUT I CANT HELP IT IF IT WAS EASY I WOULDN’T BE THE WAY I AM NOW, BUT I CANT STOP. WELL AS FOR ME AND MY DREAM IF I HAD THE CHANCE I DON’T THINK HE’D EVEN LET ME DO IT, HE’D HAVE ISSUES AND BE EMBARRASSED AND I COULDN’T DO THAT TO HIM, BUT I WOULDN’T BE EMBARRASSED PEOPLE WOULD PROBALEY HATE ME AND THINK IM A SKANK OR HOE OR WHATEVER BUT AT LEASTE I WOULD FINALLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, SO UNTIL THAN I’LL JUST BE ME, A NOBODY! I’LL LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT!