March 25, 04
Why does work have to be so tedious? Same shit over and over I can never just take a fricken break I don’t know I cant see myself here much longer, but what the hell else am I going to do with my life? School? I don’t know im going loco esay! Well last night I went to Uncle Joes dads rosary, I grew up with his family so I consider them family, it was sad I swear ive been to one funeral right after another this year! Whats going on? Everyone id dying on me, I guess im just getting older and everyone around me is too… its kinda scary when you think about it pretty soon everyone I love will be gone! And of course I cant help think of my grandparents I know that ill be in there position one day and it scares me! I cant imagine life without them! Life is scary one day you’re here and the next your long gone… and you cant do anything about it. Well it got me thinking about my life, see the one thing I love about there family is that they’re so close everyone stays in touch, and my family everyone just does there own thing I know everyone has there own family’s to worry about but to me my grandparents are the world to me I try to spend as much time with them as I can because I know there getting old. But everyone else just seems to take things for granted. I know I say I don’t want kids and im scared as hell! But I don’t want to die lonely with no family around! I guess maybe its time to seriously start thinking about it. Yes im scared and I don’t know shit about kids hell ive never even changed a diaper before but I suppose ill learn, I just get this feeling sometimes from Mark that he thinks im going to be a bad mother and that’s why he doesn’t want to have kids with me. And it makes me feel bad, I know im not all great or whatever but im going to try, I want to be the mother I never had. I want to teach my child about life and philosophy and teach them not to judge people on what they see. But hey I guess well just see what happens and let life take me wherever it wants….

March 23, 2004
Today I feel like shit! I just came back from vacation and I cant seem to get into the hang of things im forgetting what im supposed to say, its taking me forever to do just one thing, my body feels exhausted and its only going to get worse im not going to have any time to rest, my vacation was cool we went to Disney World, Universal Studios, and Bush gardens. I just wasn’t physically prepared for that kind of vacation next time were going somewhere, we can just lounge all day, and do shit, but it wasn’t all that bad just a lot of walking! A lot! I swear I hadn’t gotten that much exercise in a long time, and so that’s when I figured out that I was getting old! Before we would be cool wed go and be out all day long! but fuck I swear by the end of the day all I wanted to do Is sleep! My feet were killing me im like I need some fucking S.A.S like the old women wear. i cant hang like I used too! It kinda scares me! Is this what its like to be old? Your body starts to hurt in places you never thought about. Im like shit I need a vacation from my vacation. Well we had fun though I just can’t believe how big Disney World is, its no wonder its called world! Its fricken huge! Supposingly it’s the size of San Francisco I can see why it’s a whole world within itself! Florida is nice cheap! But the weather is weird! It rained Monday & Tuesday its weird though its like 80 degrees and hot but ugly as hell outside! But the rest of the time it was nice we did so much saw so much they have like 5 theme parks within the place so we did something different everyday! It was cool we went out a few times but I was like too tired to even want to do anything! They have a place called Pleasure Island they have like 8 clubs there they had this one gay club called Mannequins it was a bad ass club! Cool lights the whole dance floor moved in a circle it was cool I was telling everybody I was from San Francisco they were all excited they were like oh I wanna move there! “im like yeh these clubs aint got nothing on SF” it was fun the clubs close at 2:00 so we didn’t party that much. Over all it was cool I don’t know maybe its just me but I start to feel so bad when im around Beto I cant help wondering if he blames me still I still have this guilt that I feel, and I cant feeling like his man hates me like he blames us too! I don’t know, it feels awful still im so traumatized I don’t even have any desire to do anything anymore! Well as for the plane ride it was allright it was about 4 hours& 45 minutes it was long but it went by pretty fast, Michelle gave me some stuff to take I don’t even know what the hell it was but it knocked me out! So It did the trick, I was fine on the way over there we even went out after, but on the way back I felt weird like I was hallucinating or something like I close my eyes and I still see as clear as if my eyes are open but I can see like another place like im somewhere else, it was strange anyways. Im back to work vacation is long gone and I have so much to do the only bad thing about going on vacation I have to come back to hella shit! No one does shit for me and now get this H.S.A the company that funds us is not going to anymore so they wanna make everyone TA’s even me! And im like wait a minute im already at the bottom of the chain, they already gave me a promotion with no pay and now they want to do it again with more work and again no pay im just so irritated yeh we have good vacation and shit but hell they keep giving me all this work and no more money im like pissed and they want to do it again! I hate this place! I applied for a job at Delta College but I got a letter saying they weren’t going to interview me! Fuck well I applied for 2 positions so hopefully ill hear something soon, its doing the same shit but 3 times more than what I make here! I don’t feel like doing shit and I have so much to do! Well 2 more weeks until we move, we’ve been packing things im excited it’ll be a cool summer, I just don’t want to think about everybody coming over and bugging the shit out of me! Oh well I guess that’s the price im going to have to pay to having a pool….

March 4, 2004
Let’s get straight to the point “WE GOT A HOUSE”! well this is a new one, see we were having to much trouble with the other one they wanted they wanted more money which was fine, but than they were giving the other people 5 more days and than 3 more it seemed fishy, like they were in there favor, so we saw this house in January it was 3bed 2 bath, with a built in pool and a hacuzzi but at that time we didn’t want that and it seemed expensive, but as we’ve been looking we figured out that that’s how much we were going to have to spend and the other house was asking 275,500 so we said fuck it for a few more dollars we can get it, so I went and saw it Tuesday, it has the 3 bedrooms that we originally wanted , and hey with all that it has we wont have to go nowhere for a while, so I put a bid on it and they accepted it yeh! I’m excited but, I didn’t want to get my hopes up and than it end up like the other one, but they accepted our offer and so its ours, it hasn’t sunk in yet its almost unreal! I have so many things I need to do before we move, I first of all have to find a renter, pack blah blah and than were leaving on vacation next Thursday to Florida, gosh I know this month is going to fly…. im excited and I want to call everyone and tell them, but because of the way they acted when we got our first house, and have been acting weird! I don’t want to sound like im bragging they already have issues with us, so I figured im not going to tell anyone yet, it sucks but hey. I just want to do good for me and my family, but theres always people trying to put you down, I try and tell them to buy a house but they don’t get it, oh well I don’t care. I just feel like since im going to be stuck in this hell hole called Stockton, this is the only way ill ever be able to do something with my life, and hey I never thought id have what I have now. My dream in life now since ill never be in Playboy or never be rich or famous I guess this is the only way ill be able to make money. Allrighty well see what happens so until than….
March 10, 2004
So today is my last day at work ive finished everything I had to before I go, so im just sitting here bored ready to leave. After work we are going to go see the house again and fill out whatever paper work needs to be done. I’m excited it hadn’t hit me until now its weird, scary, but I think im ready. We started to pack little things away like stuff in our living room, it looks so weird to men its almost sad I guess im going to miss my little house we got so used to it. But its time for a new adventure, it’ll be a lot of work, decorating and stuff but im excited it’ll be a challenge. And I know it’ll all be worth it in the end, Im just thinking oh God now people are going to bug us like crazy, his brother my cousins, and friends will want to come over all the time now. I don’t mind but sometimes its cool to have a little piece and quite. Like this weekend Leslie and Nicole came over and I don’t mind hanging out with them and all but they are on one and they talk talk talk and im like ok im tired I just can’t do it anymore I can’t sleep as it is! It’s a trip though we were talking and I never new how the same me and Nikki are, we suffer the same how we struggle everyday, its weird I cant explain it, but life Is hard for me the little things people do, and don’t think anything of is like hard for us, just emotional! Everyday things in life we struggle a little harder, we were trying to explain it to Les but people like her cant comprehend people like us, there stronger than we are, they don’t understand that things are difficult for us, like she thinks its easy to brush away scared feelings or sad feelings, but for us we can do it for a while but it always comes back! Just like Mark can’t understand how I feel were weaker than most people, but yet stronger sometimes. Just imagine a feeling that your very afraid of, or a very emotional time that you went through that’s how we feel on a daily bases. Well we leave tomorrow to LA and than Friday we fly out to Florida im excited I know were going to have fun im just fricken scared as hell to fly im traumatized big time! I hate it! Michelle gave me some valium so I hopefully will be ok, ill just sleep the whole way I don’t even want to think about it! So I guess this is it, hopefully ill make it back home, and by the way I kept seeing 1234 today more than usual is that a sign?