So things are ok, went to San francisco this weekend to spend time with my husbands family it was cool, we had a lot of fun, went to Golden Gate Park, rode bikes, went on some boats, and went dancing at night, i actually ahd a good time getting my mind off things, me and Mark, and Me and ?? I think its just time to move on I really dont care anymore! everything was so not worth it to me! I regret so much and in return all I got was heart ache! so good bye for good!
but im feeling better Mark and I are working things out, were getting along good, it was really weird though I admit when I saw my brother in law after he read everything I wrote I felt really uncomfortable! I felt as if he saw me different now, lik maybe he was dissapointed in me or something.... but we talked about it and he's actually very understanding about the whole situation it was just weird cause I felt like they all knew or soemthing what had happened.

"Let Me Go"

One more kiss could be the best thing But one more lie could be the worst, And all these thoughts are never resting, And you're not something I deserve, In my head there's only you now, This world falls on me, In this world there's real and make believe And this seems real to me..

You love me but you don't know who I am, I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand, And you love me but you don't know who I am.... So let me go, just Let me go! I dream ahead to what I hope for, And I turned my back on loving you, How can this love be a good thing, When I know what I'm goin through, In my head there's only you now, This world falls on me, In this world there's real and make believe, And this seems real to me..

You love me but you don't know who I am, I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand, You love me but you don't know who I am, So let me go, Just Let me go...Let me go, And no matter how hard I try I can't escape these things inside I know....When all the pieces fall apart You will be the only one who knows! So let me go, Just let me go!

He's never going to forgive me, and maybe im never going to forgive him for abandoning me when I needed him the most! I regret everything that I did! I regret falling for someone that didnt really care about me, your on the other side of the world happy and im here suffering from it all, I dont regret meeting you but I regret everything that happened because I have to deal with it all now! I dont know if we'll ever get past all this, I dont know if you'll ever trust me again, but what you dont understand this all happened because you were childish and couldnt grow up! Understand what you did to me still hurts! Understand that things between are difficult becuase you cant move on with this, Forgive me or just let me go already!

So last night me and some coworkers went out to celebrate one of our friends birthdays, we ended up going to dinner and than after to have drinks, it was actally fun Ive been trying to get them to all to go out for a long time but there always so sqaure and dont ever want to do shit, but they are actullay starting to open up now, I see a change in all of them, ever since Ive been back at work things with everyone has changed with Ale, with Claude, ever since Claude was introduced to Who'sHere i see a chnage in her she's more open to things to meeting people, at work all she does is chat its pretty funny I think she's starting to see what the real world is about all the dirty naughty things that are in this world, but im happy for her she's finally coming out of her shell. I can tell her self esteem is getting better she dresses up now she curls her hair wears makeup and everything. So last night we all had an awesome time laughing and cracking jokes Ale was even having a good time, I dont think she's laughed like that in a long time, I dont think any of us have. Maybe me getting sick did have a purpose, it changed all the relationships that ive had with people, with my friends, with my family, with my husband and I, Its made us all see things different, maybe I was the ticket for everyone to make a change in there life, and not take for granted what we have. At work it brought us all back together again, all the crap that had happened in the past between us all, is gone now, were all friends again, maybe not like we used to be, but at leaste we can all laugh together again. And that makes me happy, even though I still feel lost and confused it matters to me that I at leaste made a diiference in the lives of the people around me. So anyways we all had a few drinks and after a while the gang left and I called Mark to pick us up cause Claude couldn't drive and yes she actually drank I was in shock along with everyone else, but she was having a good time and thats all that mattered, see Claude is one of my religious to the core friends, she doesnt understand gay people or approve of there life style, she attends church on an everyday bases and prays religiously!! she's closed minded to a lot of things but is now starting to see the world as it really is, and yes I had to be the one to show it to her, why am I such a corrupter! I always tend to have this crazy affect on people and when there around me they tend to do things they originally woulldnt do, hmmmmm and not always is that a good thing. Well we ended up taking her to Paradise a gay bar of course and Maria and I wanted to just go to dance, Claudia was a little tripped out at first she kept saying how she didnt know any of that kind of stuff existed, and I was like "honey you have a lot to learn" but she was ok we danced and I made friends like I usually do, we had fun I think she was a little tripped out after a while cause Maria and I got a little crazy so we ended up going home, Maria ended up staying at the house and I passed out after incredible ....All in all it was a good night....

My mind keeps going and going thinking about all the stupid things ive done im my life, my consious is killing me! I feel so stupid to have believed all the stupid crap that people have said and have tried to make me believe...maybe I said all the wrong things too, What is wrong with me? Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Why cant I stop? I feel like such a horrible person! All the shit that I have done in my life, I dont understand why I keep doing this to myself JUST STOP ALREADY!!!!
But I cant! I dont want too! But I do! My mind is saying no but my body says yes! and my heart doesnt know anymore! I feeel so confused with everything, I dont know where I want this life of mines to go anymore, theres so much more I want to do that im confused I dont want to hurt him anymore, I dont want to hurt myself anymore, I just wish things were different, I wish I could go back in time and change it all. These feelings that I have, these thoughts that I have, they haunt me, but yet I dont learn.