August 30, 2004
Another Monday well things are going ok my best friend came in from out of town this weekend it was cool me & Mark played hooky and didn’t go to work on Friday Thursday night we went to go see the Exorcist it was cool there was some unexpected scene in there that got me pretty good, so good that I couldn’t sleep I kept seeing that ugly face all night, I felt like I was going to wake up in the night and see it staring right at me, and than I had this weird dream that Mark was waking up screaming! Have you ever thosed dreams were you cant determine whether it was a dream or reality? It was strange, but I always do this to myself I know its all in my head! Well we went to Paradise after we hadn’t been there in a long time, we only go when he comes down even though ive been meaning to take my friend George there, it was Thursday I was actually surprised there was people, we just drank a few & talked, it was cool I found it funny how he kept brining up you know “the bad experience” like nothing he kept talking about it like he was hella cool with it while im sitting there thinking to myself can we please not talk about this, im traumatized enough already but I know he knows it was his decision to do it, & I know he doesn’t blame me but I will never get over that feeling, it was almost as is if he wanted to do it again, yeh it’s the greatest feeling ever but I cant! Well Friday we ended up going to Bench & Bar I hate that place I swear I felt like I was at a Quincenera nothing they play nothing but a bunch if Mexican music which sucked! And than my stupid ass forgot to bring my ID I felt like such a dodo head I had left it in my pants pocket when we went to Paradise that night before, but I ended up getting in my bro in laws friend new the guy there, that was so funny I tried to use her ID but he hella caught me, he was” I know this is not you” “nice try” and than I was like sorry im 27 years old, and hes like “ well all you needed to do was tell me your birthday” oops… I think he was straight because he was watching me dance, and speaking of watchng someone dance I swear Mark was making me feel like shit all night! Im not one to really get jelous or anything, I think a woman Is beautiful, I don’t mind that he looks at a beautiful girl, weve been to strip clubs together, but when hes standing there all night, not wanting to dance with me because he wants to stare at a girl all night ok that’s not cool with me, I felt ugly and like shit! He thought I didn’t notice him but I did, and he tries telling me well I thought she was a man I couldn’t tell that’s why I was looking at her, WHATEVER! Eighther you’re a fag and cant tell the difference between a man and a woman or you think im stupid! He does it so sneaky, I know he loves me but I have low self esteem and I already feel like im hella ugly! Oh well! We had fun me and Beto danced and drank I got to meet Adrian’s new room mate she was cool, shes the one that ended up getting me into the club. The next day we had breakfast talked and headed on our way home, he eneded up goimg home I guess Kevin had to go on some convention in Vegas, I wish he would’ve stayed longer but I know he has to go back. We talked about a lot of things about he its funny how were friends after all this time, I guess you don’t find many people that have stayed friends for as long as we have even through all the shit weve been through together, I love him and I think that’s why I felt so funky for a while, was because I was missing me friends so much I feel so lonely sometimes, and i have friends but its not the same kind of relationship we have, I know, no relationship I have will be the same. I know he has a new life over there, and it sucks because I miss him so much and I think he feels the same way. Well Saturday we got home we didn’t do much, I slept and we stayed home and watched TV. I swear I was getting hella tired in Friday night, I couldn’t hang staying up all night, I must be getting old!

today’s August 26, 04 im barely getting to finish writing, I hate this I can never finish because im so fucken busy all the time, so ive been feeling a little bit better, Friday night we were going to go to the movies right after we had Shi Ra Soni, as we were on our way over there, I didn’t want to go anymore I saw all these people there and I didn’t feel like being around them, so we ended up going home, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time, I cant even remember what the last movie we saw was I swear! Well we went home and I cried all night, I think this is were I had my biggest break down! I was watching The Mothman prophecies in the living room while Mark watched football in the room, and I swear everything I seem to watch is so coincidental, I keep seeing all these signs everywhere, in the movie one of the characters has this dream where she drowns and dies, and she hears a voice saying wake up number 37, and it just seemed so weird to me that I keep seeing 1234 everywhere what does this mean? I see it everywhere on the clock, on signs, ill notice it all the time! I asked this Psychic that I saw one day but she didn’t seem to really know, I swear call me crazy but I know its some kind of a sign! Well anyways I find it weird, all these things keep seeing, and so as I laid there crying wanting to die, I was trying to tell Mark how I feel like inside of me im trying to Yell at the top of my lungs and I feel like noone hears me! Like no ones paying attention or cares. I know that he knows im going through something, I know he wants to help me, it just sucks that sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want to know about it, and I don’t want to burden him with my problems all the time, im afraid he’ll get tired of me always saying the same thing over and over and leave me.
Well the next day I woke up with swollen eyes, looking like shit, and I felt better than I had felt in a long time. I think I needed to get everything out! I needed to cry my eyes out I guess. That Saturday we went to Arianas 21st birthday and I felt social, I wanted to be there, I wanted to talk to people and be myself again, I even talked to my sister in law to be, even though she didn’t really talk to me back much, you know how that goes, But I felt good! And ive been feeling better ever since, even though my job sucks ass big time and it stresses me out like crazy! Im trying to take in everyday slowly as it comes, I thought about it and im like “what’s wrong with me”?? I have a brand new house, with a pool, and a hacuzzi, and I feel like shit! I don’t want anybody over, I don’t want to party! Or do anything, And I thought I should be having the time of my life right now, I should partying every weekend, taking advantage of the things I have, I have no kids yet nothing holding me back! and I haven’t taken advantage. I haven’t even been swimming in 2 weeks that’s how sad it been. I thought about all the good times we had when we first got married, we went out all the time to san Francisco and partied, all the places we used to go, when we were all young, I miss those days so much, I would give anything to be able to go back than. I guess I just miss my friends, and im having trouble accepting that im getting older and things change. When your young things seem so uncomplicated, you have no responsibilities and now that im older time seems to fly by that I dont even have a chance to sit back and enjoy it. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be but I know that I can’t, and I have to eventually accept it. I know things aren’t going to be fine and dandy all the time, but im trying, I don’t want to live my life dwelling on the stupid shit everyday, and I know that I could probably fall back into the same old feelings again, I don’t know how much longer I have here, but im trying my hardest to make this life seem worth something. I guess that’s all we can do………