August 30, 2004
Another Monday well things are going ok my best friend came in from out of town this weekend it was cool me & Mark played hooky and didn’t go to work on Friday Thursday night we went to go see the Exorcist it was cool there was some unexpected scene in there that got me pretty good, so good that I couldn’t sleep I kept seeing that ugly face all night, I felt like I was going to wake up in the night and see it staring right at me, and than I had this weird dream that Mark was waking up screaming! Have you ever thosed dreams were you cant determine whether it was a dream or reality? It was strange, but I always do this to myself I know its all in my head! Well we went to Paradise after we hadn’t been there in a long time, we only go when he comes down even though ive been meaning to take my friend George there, it was Thursday I was actually surprised there was people, we just drank a few & talked, it was cool I found it funny how he kept brining up you know “the bad experience” like nothing he kept talking about it like he was hella cool with it while im sitting there thinking to myself can we please not talk about this, im traumatized enough already but I know he knows it was his decision to do it, & I know he doesn’t blame me but I will never get over that feeling, it was almost as is if he wanted to do it again, yeh it’s the greatest feeling ever but I cant! Well Friday we ended up going to Bench & Bar I hate that place I swear I felt like I was at a Quincenera nothing they play nothing but a bunch if Mexican music which sucked! And than my stupid ass forgot to bring my ID I felt like such a dodo head I had left it in my pants pocket when we went to Paradise that night before, but I ended up getting in my bro in laws friend new the guy there, that was so funny I tried to use her ID but he hella caught me, he was” I know this is not you” “nice try” and than I was like sorry im 27 years old, and hes like “ well all you needed to do was tell me your birthday” oops… I think he was straight because he was watching me dance, and speaking of watchng someone dance I swear Mark was making me feel like shit all night! Im not one to really get jelous or anything, I think a woman Is beautiful, I don’t mind that he looks at a beautiful girl, weve been to strip clubs together, but when hes standing there all night, not wanting to dance with me because he wants to stare at a girl all night ok that’s not cool with me, I felt ugly and like shit! He thought I didn’t notice him but I did, and he tries telling me well I thought she was a man I couldn’t tell that’s why I was looking at her, WHATEVER! Eighther you’re a fag and cant tell the difference between a man and a woman or you think im stupid! He does it so sneaky, I know he loves me but I have low self esteem and I already feel like im hella ugly! Oh well! We had fun me and Beto danced and drank I got to meet Adrian’s new room mate she was cool, shes the one that ended up getting me into the club. The next day we had breakfast talked and headed on our way home, he eneded up goimg home I guess Kevin had to go on some convention in Vegas, I wish he would’ve stayed longer but I know he has to go back. We talked about a lot of things about he its funny how were friends after all this time, I guess you don’t find many people that have stayed friends for as long as we have even through all the shit weve been through together, I love him and I think that’s why I felt so funky for a while, was because I was missing me friends so much I feel so lonely sometimes, and i have friends but its not the same kind of relationship we have, I know, no relationship I have will be the same. I know he has a new life over there, and it sucks because I miss him so much and I think he feels the same way. Well Saturday we got home we didn’t do much, I slept and we stayed home and watched TV. I swear I was getting hella tired in Friday night, I couldn’t hang staying up all night, I must be getting old!