gosh its allready october 3, 04 times flies by so fst i can t even keep up, ive been going through this relly bad funk! bad!its the worse ive eve had ti go thrugh so many emoitions going through my mind thinking the only whay to end this would to just go away forever, and none knows this not even my own husband i know he sees me but doesnt at the sam etime, i fell like im hiding from the world all the time im in this clown suit trying to be funnny and happy and what people want me to be but, im literally dying inside im crying at the top of my lungs and crying!!! and noone hears me, they dont know the real me, i am literally dying!inside all these emotions im having i cant understyand them im irrational, jelous, sensetive, i feel ugly!, like nothing! why am i here i keep trying to figure out what my purpose on this life is because all i feel is heartache and pain. everyday theres noot a day that goes by that idont feel like shit, well for the opast couple days we been plnnning rene and mayra wedding , well i havent reealy planned anything i was just as clueles than anyone, anywyas, im happy for rene realy i want him to be happy he my little homie, brother, but you know theres more of an issue than that oh well, i triee to not get involved mae things worse but now were sister in laws and i really hope hat things get better between us because i know she knows and right now i think everbody knows our issues, whatever that may be....im still trying to figure it out im jusy going to go with it like nothing, im just tired of haveing to be the bigger person in this and im afarid if i say something ti offend her which i probably wil, thats why i wont, im waiting for her like eith the whole kimaya issues....well the wedding was nice if they wouldve asked for help with she didnt i coulnve done alot better, but hey, it was nice not like mines of courese, even sandrs aunt was like your wedding was alot better, i was like thanks. but today what really got me was that they had this litle party at thr nunez everyone went over they had food and his dad was like so excited mark told me that he was balling crying like twice, he looked really happy so i went and looked at out pix and noy one is there of him smiling, and that broke my heart i felt i break, i cryed, why do i care? idont know but i do, am i not good enough for his son? i felt my hert breaking like i never felt and i dint even like him , i wsawhim go and dance with lulu all happy and he wont even talk to me or look at mewhy?? i colndt hel remember if acted he sameat our wedding, and i cant in all the pix there was not one smile what does that say about me??i care too muchhalltheselite things are making me fall apart i hate my life, EVERYTHING..i see myelf totally in a diferent was as everone sees me i thought i looked good yesturday and than im looking at the pix and im like fuck im fat and ugly everybody kept saying how beutiful i was but i was whatever