May 3, 2004
Things have been good ive been actually feeling a lot better ever since ive been saved I know sounds crazy but hey it seems some spiritual guidance was what I needed. I’ve been feeling better about things. I was watching TV around 4:00 this morning when Mark went to work, I couldn’t fall back asleep, well they had this infomercial about people who feel the same like me, it was like some self healing tapes or something, it was weird though like they were talking to me, well they said they had anxiety problems same thing I go through like everyday is a struggle, and how there depressed and everything is hard for them like driving and stupid stuff, it was a trip I thought I was the only one who felt that way, but they feel the exact same way! We all said the same thing. It was really weird. Well my house is finally coming together, we painted this weekend it looks a whole lot better its not dingy white people white anymore! It’s actually starting to feel like my house now. It’ll be cool when its done I want to do too many things. Well besides all that Mark found a cyst the other day when he was taking a shower I wont say where but its not in a good spot, he’s scared because he had one when he was in high school I guess, and he’s afraid it came back and now im starting to freak out he’s like im dying, I have cancer, im like shut the hell up do you really want to leave me by myself shit Id die! I know God will make him ok, im not worried.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
May 10, 2004
So I finally figured out what was up with Mark I guess because he’s turning 30 he’s going through this mid life crisis thing, he was acting like a butthead for like a whole week, which is not like him at all! And because of our little argument about me not doing enough, ok so it is some of my fault, but hey I grew up with a gold fork in my hand my grandma did everything for me, I never had to do shit and he new I didn’t know how to cook or whatever, but ok im sorry I guess I need to start doing more. Im a bad wife! and now I know why he gets scared when we talk about having a baby. I need to change I don’t want him to think that im a bad wife and regret anything I know he loves me, but I want to make him happy too. Relationships are hard! And we all need to work at them and realize what are faults are and admit it. So im going to try hard.
Well other than that things are cool I just hope he gets through this rut, its so weird how we all go through the same thing, like first it was me, when I had my breakdown, and than it was my friend here at work now she’s on stress leave and than it was my other friend she got pregnant had an abortion and her man is in jail, so I guess my problem wasn’t that bad, at least not as bad as there’s. Its weird how life brings all to the same point. Marks a strong person I know he’ll be ok. Me im a freakin scardy kat! And I’ll be ok for a while than I’ll go through it again.
Well Saturday we went to Sabrina’s birthday it was fun accept for the part were Mark left me for about an hour & I didn’t know were the hell he was, he’s lucky I was having fun getting drunk and smoking with his aunts. It was a trip because it was us, like his aunts and uncles in the living room drinking & dancing and then the younger crowd was outside, and then it hits me oh shit! Were no longer in the young crowd anymore we now part of the 25 and older crowd that has to listen to Santana & Malo! & hang out w/ the old vato locos! It was pretty funny! As you get older its funny how you start to notice changes all around you, you never noticed before, like well yesterday my aunt Irene calls me and tells me Fed’s mom is dying so we rush to the hospital to be there for him and all and I swear its like you get older and everybody starts to die! I swear ive been to more funerals in the past 2 years than in my whole life, we just got back from one like 2 weeks ago! Its getting scary I feel like soon ill be in there position and that scares the hell out of me! I hope they all will be ok, Fed was acting like nothing he just kept saying “its not her time yet”. I don’t know when your young you never think about shit like life and death, you think your invincible and that your never going to die, like before we used to get on a lot of roller coasters and rides and think nothing of it, now im like ok is this thing going to hold me? Is it going to stay on the track? I don’t know I feel older I feel more tired, I don’t have the energy I used to have. I guess we all go through it. I tried telling Mark for being 30 he sure has a lot, more than a lot of other people do and I am very grateful for that, and I know he is too.
So I finally figured out what was up with Mark I guess because he’s turning 30 he’s going through this mid life crisis thing, he was acting like a butthead for like a whole week, which is not like him at all! And because of our little argument about me not doing enough, ok so it is some of my fault, but hey I grew up with a gold fork in my hand my grandma did everything for me, I never had to do shit and he new I didn’t know how to cook or whatever, but ok im sorry I guess I need to start doing more. Im a bad wife! and now I know why he gets scared when we talk about having a baby. I need to change I don’t want him to think that im a bad wife and regret anything I know he loves me, but I want to make him happy too. Relationships are hard! And we all need to work at them and realize what are faults are and admit it. So im going to try hard.
Well other than that things are cool I just hope he gets through this rut, its so weird how we all go through the same thing, like first it was me, when I had my breakdown, and than it was my friend here at work now she’s on stress leave and than it was my other friend she got pregnant had an abortion and her man is in jail, so I guess my problem wasn’t that bad, at least not as bad as there’s. Its weird how life brings all to the same point. Marks a strong person I know he’ll be ok. Me im a freakin scardy kat! And I’ll be ok for a while than I’ll go through it again.
Well Saturday we went to Sabrina’s birthday it was fun accept for the part were Mark left me for about an hour & I didn’t know were the hell he was, he’s lucky I was having fun getting drunk and smoking with his aunts. It was a trip because it was us, like his aunts and uncles in the living room drinking & dancing and then the younger crowd was outside, and then it hits me oh shit! Were no longer in the young crowd anymore we now part of the 25 and older crowd that has to listen to Santana & Malo! & hang out w/ the old vato locos! It was pretty funny! As you get older its funny how you start to notice changes all around you, you never noticed before, like well yesterday my aunt Irene calls me and tells me Fed’s mom is dying so we rush to the hospital to be there for him and all and I swear its like you get older and everybody starts to die! I swear ive been to more funerals in the past 2 years than in my whole life, we just got back from one like 2 weeks ago! Its getting scary I feel like soon ill be in there position and that scares the hell out of me! I hope they all will be ok, Fed was acting like nothing he just kept saying “its not her time yet”. I don’t know when your young you never think about shit like life and death, you think your invincible and that your never going to die, like before we used to get on a lot of roller coasters and rides and think nothing of it, now im like ok is this thing going to hold me? Is it going to stay on the track? I don’t know I feel older I feel more tired, I don’t have the energy I used to have. I guess we all go through it. I tried telling Mark for being 30 he sure has a lot, more than a lot of other people do and I am very grateful for that, and I know he is too.
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