June 22, 2009
I feel like a complete idiot! AGAIN!!! Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself and the funny thing is that I can already predict what is going to happen and yet I keep making the mistakes by letting people in why? I don’t like getting hurt but yet I don’t seem to learn! I can’t take being hurt anymore so that’s why all this has to end! No more! I cant deal with people using me that’s all they ever do is just pretend to care, and than they end up kicking me to the curb, maybe this keeps happening because this is Gods way at getting back at me, I deserve all I get! I feel like such a complete idiot! Ever since I got sick my life has been nothing but pain and sorrow! What did I do to deserve all this? Am I that much of a bad person that I deserve to be hurt over and over again? I cant take all this pain anymore! Everything has changed in my life, my friends aren’t the same anymore, they’ve all changed, or is it me? Not even George talks to me anymore I come back and all of a sudden everything’s different why did I have to go through that? It changed everything in my life, my relationship with my husband, I would have never met Joelie and I would have never had my heart broken the way that It did! I know I always said that I wanted to feel those butterflies again and have someone to get to know me again but I didn’t mean I wanted to feel heart ache again Everything is so complicated right now my relationship at home is only getting harder and harder to bear, im afraid things will never be the same I feel so guilty when im with him its like everyone always sees him as the good person and im always the bad guy now even my family thinks im having an affair on him, I talked to Nikki on Sunday about what I was feeling and everything that has been going on and she turned around and told everyone now they think im cheating on Marco and im once again im the bad guy the black sheep of the family, Cammille told Bianca that she still hasn’t gotten over how I treated her that one day at our old house and I understand I did say a lot of harsh words but I had so much built up emotions and I had to let it out, and now I feel like she hates me but she don’t see the bad things that she does or how she makes me feel, when she always puts me down. I hate this I feel like everyone hates me, When im with Marco I feel guilty and confused and it makes me sad that I feel this way because I still love him I always will no matter what and I know its not fair to either one of us if I stay knowing that I cant give him my all, and maybe the reason why I talk to all these guys is because I want so much to find happiness in my life, I cant remember the last time I actually laughed or smiled with really feeling it! And I know it sounds selfish but I want that happiness so bad I feel like I need to did whatever it takes to find it, whether it would have been in Belgium or in Boston or here at home! I don’t want to feel this way anymore! I just want to be happy again. Wednesday was such a bad day first my friend said he needed time to think about things but I cant help think its my fault again I make things so complicated and I know that’s what he was thinking, and probably regrets meeting me, but why did he lead me on thinking that he felt the same if the hole time he didn’t and now I feel like its going to end up like the other one, I should have know that that’s how things were going to end up because anytime I try to find happiness something bad happens its like I have this rain cloud over my head all the time. Oh well maybe its better this way but its hard when you get attached to someone and you talk to them everyday and than one day there gone from your life! That’s what have a hard time dealing with, I wonder if they ever really cared about me to just be able to let me go so quick, did I not mean anything to them at all? Maybe not! later that evening we went to Fats for Myras birthday and i started drinking and i know I do these things to take my mind of all the bad shit thats happening but i drank too much and Marco got mad at me because I was texting on my phone so I left and walked home drunk when i got home I was hysterical screaming and crying I hate that I do that but I have so much sadness built up in me that I feel like im losing it! I took a razor and cut myself all up now I have to deal with hiding my scars from everyone!
When is someone going to love me the way I want to be loved? Not even Marco can, he doesn’t look at me the way I wish he would! When I talk to other people the way they see me is different maybe it’s the lust they have in there eyes for me, or how they think im sexy or beautiful! He told me the reason why he never tells me im beautiful is because to him he can only tell that to someone he loves, and im thinking hes not saying it because he doesn’t think I am! It has to be that! And that makes me feel even shittier! Even my other friend tells me I am. I want to feel pretty because I never feel that way about myself I hate who I am, what I look like! And I need to hear it! And with Marco I don’t feel it when he tells me he doesn’t look at me the way they do, I cant explain it! All I ask for is for all this pain to go away!

Things are so horrible right now I never thought my life would be so fucked up, my marriage, my friends, my job, im at the point of no return! I feel like im seriously falling apart, my hair is falling out, im getting these horrible stress wrinkles, you can see the stress all over my face, im like what's next my arms and feet are going to fall off! I feel so lost and confused right now its like ever since Joelie and me being sick that my life has changed so drastically I feel different about life and about my marriage, it scares me to the point were I dont know what I want anymore, as far as me and Marco I love him I will always love him no matter what happens between us, but its different now my feelings for him have changed andI know as much as he dont want to admit it that his feelings for me have changed too, I know he hates me, I know that he's never ever going to trust me ever again! and the sad thing is that I serioulsy dont know if I can trust myself, and right now the truth is I can't! and I feel so horrible!!!!! I hate myself! I hate this person that ive become ever since ive gotten sick! I feel so confused about my life and what I want for me, and I cant stop myself from making the same mistakes over and over and over again!!!! I dont know whats wrong with me?** I cant seem to control myself! and its only making things worse, I feel im not ready to make that change. I feel i have all these bad demons provocing me to do bad. I almost dont know what's right and what's wrong anymore. Im scared I might never know again. Im scared that things may never be the same again, between Marco and me, between my friends and I! I dont know how to fix things. I feel so used and yet I do it to myself over and over again! I hate this person that I am, I hate the things that I do and yet I cant stop myself, I feel like almost giving up! I dont know whay all this has happened to me, why did I have to be the one to go throough all this? Why ME GOD? have you totally givin up on me?

So many thigns going on right now and of course not all good i dont even know where to start, its been so complicated with me and Mark ever since I got sick and met Joelie and all that stupid drama! I wish i can go back in time and change it all, i wish i can go back in time and never have met him, cause ever since than our relationship has changed so drastically, i dont know if i will ever feel the same again, i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him i feel like ever since the whole stupid XBox thing where he ignored me, it made me feel like he didnt care about me and it really hurt me a lot! it scarred me to the point where im not the same anymore, my feelings for him are not the same anymore! i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him? i want to fix things and thats why i got rid of Who'sHere i had to say goodbye if i want to fix this. This past weekend Beto came over and we hung out, his neice had graduated and they threw a party for her at Fedelias house, well that week prior to everything, i had been kind of chatting with some guy i had met on Photoswap, he's young and we kind of connected but just as friends and i did things i shouldnt have, and that Saturday night i got so drunk the next day which was Sunday, Marco started acting wierd, and well somehow he got into my phone again and saw every picture i had of him and of me, I know im so stupid i dont know why i keep doing these stupid things! that Sunday we argued like crazy and fought like crazy! i just feel so confused right now i feel like my whole life is falling apart! he has no job we might lose our house, i might soon not have a job, i feel like i have aged like 5 years over night! i look at myself and all i see is wrinkles, and than my hair is falling out! i have never felt so horrible and felt like my life is falling apart so bad! i have been through tough times but never to where im losing everything at once. its so complicated and i feel so guilty as if im never going to be good enough for him, i feel as if maybe i should leave him so he can be happier without me, so he can find someone thats going to make him happy and not hurt him, and at this point in my life i dont know if i can do that, i feel as if im never going to be able to give him hat he wants and thats a family....i don know if im ever going to be ready to give him a baby..and its not fair to him! i dont know what to do...i dont want to do this again to him i feel so guilty! sometimes when i have problems i seek answers in things that appear i my everyday life, like for example i have a question that i have in my mind i'll see a sign somewhere or i'll hear a song on the radio that the answers are in the lyrics, yesterday i was watching the second part to Donnie Darko S. Darko, and the movie was about going back in time and how we would change a situation if we had the power to do so and how it would effect each person in our lives and i felt as if it was giving me an answer, and that was to move on, and the sad part about it was all i can think about was him, and what can possibly happen between us, and i knew that was my answer! but it makes me even more confused cause i cant put myself in that same situation again, i cant let myself get hurt again and thats why i had to tell him that we had to slow things down. but now it makes me even more confused, i know that Mark is a good guy, no wait hes a great guy! but im not so great! i dont know if i can trust myself, i dont know what i want? and i feel horrible its not fair to him and its not fair to me! i guess only time will tell, and im still waiting for that next sign on what to do..
well on another note for our birthdays Adrian bought us tickets to go see a concert in Oakland, it was fun i got really drunk i dont even really remember the concert i was talking to everyone else and making friends that i didnt even pay attention to it, and than again me and Mark got into another argumen in front of Adrian, he pinched me really hard cause i was talking to some gay guys, its just so crazy to me! well that next day we went to Carnival, and i swear i had this weird prementition that i was going to see a psychic there and when we went i did! this young girl comes up to me and tells me she sees something, so i go talk to her and the lady starts telling me all these wierd things like she said my family hates to see me suceed and that theres one person in my family that hates it when I do! that its as if all her negative energy has cursed me into not doing good in my life! and i thought that is so crazy cause who else could it be but, u know who..she told me that i hurt a lot and its as if i sometimes wear a clown mask to hide my true feelings and to make people think im happy on the outside when im really hurting on the inside. She told me that i had recentlly gotten really hurt by someone lately, but i knew all along that i was living in a fantasy world! i swear i started to cry it was so strange all that she told me, and than she had mentioned that when i was young i used to play with the Ouija board and some of the spirits stayed wiht me. And what got me was that she mentoned how all this time ive been hurting and thinking that God was not listening to me or cared about me but all along he's been here by my side listening and wiping my tears away, it was crazy! because i kept telling MArk that i feel like God has given up on me! i dont know what my future is going to bring but i just want things to get better, and as ive said many times before, i dont ask to be rich or famous all i ask is to be happy i would give up everything to just feel that happiness again...