So many thigns going on right now and of course not all good i dont even know where to start, its been so complicated with me and Mark ever since I got sick and met Joelie and all that stupid drama! I wish i can go back in time and change it all, i wish i can go back in time and never have met him, cause ever since than our relationship has changed so drastically, i dont know if i will ever feel the same again, i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him i feel like ever since the whole stupid XBox thing where he ignored me, it made me feel like he didnt care about me and it really hurt me a lot! it scarred me to the point where im not the same anymore, my feelings for him are not the same anymore! i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him? i want to fix things and thats why i got rid of Who'sHere i had to say goodbye if i want to fix this. This past weekend Beto came over and we hung out, his neice had graduated and they threw a party for her at Fedelias house, well that week prior to everything, i had been kind of chatting with some guy i had met on Photoswap, he's young and we kind of connected but just as friends and i did things i shouldnt have, and that Saturday night i got so drunk the next day which was Sunday, Marco started acting wierd, and well somehow he got into my phone again and saw every picture i had of him and of me, I know im so stupid i dont know why i keep doing these stupid things! that Sunday we argued like crazy and fought like crazy! i just feel so confused right now i feel like my whole life is falling apart! he has no job we might lose our house, i might soon not have a job, i feel like i have aged like 5 years over night! i look at myself and all i see is wrinkles, and than my hair is falling out! i have never felt so horrible and felt like my life is falling apart so bad! i have been through tough times but never to where im losing everything at once. its so complicated and i feel so guilty as if im never going to be good enough for him, i feel as if maybe i should leave him so he can be happier without me, so he can find someone thats going to make him happy and not hurt him, and at this point in my life i dont know if i can do that, i feel as if im never going to be able to give him hat he wants and thats a family....i don know if im ever going to be ready to give him a baby..and its not fair to him! i dont know what to do...i dont want to do this again to him i feel so guilty! sometimes when i have problems i seek answers in things that appear i my everyday life, like for example i have a question that i have in my mind i'll see a sign somewhere or i'll hear a song on the radio that the answers are in the lyrics, yesterday i was watching the second part to Donnie Darko S. Darko, and the movie was about going back in time and how we would change a situation if we had the power to do so and how it would effect each person in our lives and i felt as if it was giving me an answer, and that was to move on, and the sad part about it was all i can think about was him, and what can possibly happen between us, and i knew that was my answer! but it makes me even more confused cause i cant put myself in that same situation again, i cant let myself get hurt again and thats why i had to tell him that we had to slow things down. but now it makes me even more confused, i know that Mark is a good guy, no wait hes a great guy! but im not so great! i dont know if i can trust myself, i dont know what i want? and i feel horrible its not fair to him and its not fair to me! i guess only time will tell, and im still waiting for that next sign on what to do..
well on another note for our birthdays Adrian bought us tickets to go see a concert in Oakland, it was fun i got really drunk i dont even really remember the concert i was talking to everyone else and making friends that i didnt even pay attention to it, and than again me and Mark got into another argumen in front of Adrian, he pinched me really hard cause i was talking to some gay guys, its just so crazy to me! well that next day we went to Carnival, and i swear i had this weird prementition that i was going to see a psychic there and when we went i did! this young girl comes up to me and tells me she sees something, so i go talk to her and the lady starts telling me all these wierd things like she said my family hates to see me suceed and that theres one person in my family that hates it when I do! that its as if all her negative energy has cursed me into not doing good in my life! and i thought that is so crazy cause who else could it be but, u know who..she told me that i hurt a lot and its as if i sometimes wear a clown mask to hide my true feelings and to make people think im happy on the outside when im really hurting on the inside. She told me that i had recentlly gotten really hurt by someone lately, but i knew all along that i was living in a fantasy world! i swear i started to cry it was so strange all that she told me, and than she had mentioned that when i was young i used to play with the Ouija board and some of the spirits stayed wiht me. And what got me was that she mentoned how all this time ive been hurting and thinking that God was not listening to me or cared about me but all along he's been here by my side listening and wiping my tears away, it was crazy! because i kept telling MArk that i feel like God has given up on me! i dont know what my future is going to bring but i just want things to get better, and as ive said many times before, i dont ask to be rich or famous all i ask is to be happy i would give up everything to just feel that happiness again...