June 4, 2004
So ive been on this new quest to find out who I am and why im here you know this whole religious quest, well ive been reading this book that my boss gave me, and so im reading it and im thinking to myself what happens if I don’t agree with what the bible says? Does this mean im going against God and im going to go to hell? See I have this philosophy about God I think God is a loving God, a forgiving God, a no limits God! Like a parent who loves you unconditionally! Im not perfect and even though ive been recently “saved” I know that im never going to be perfect ill probably live in sin for the rest of my life even though I love God with all my heart and would die for him. I know that ill never be sinless. See saved people, or really religious people think that if you’re not saved that your not going to heaven, and I don’t believe that for a second, im not really religious I grew up in a catholic family went to catholic school for almost 7 years, and I still don’t agree with what the catholic church says, but what I wonder is what about other people that aren’t religious? What about people that don’t even believe in God? What happens to them? I have all these questions and no answers, so I got into this conversation with my boss yesterday he’s really religious goes by everything that is written in the bible like its right and everybody that doesn’t believe is wrong! See, I see it like this, this “book” was written thousands and thousands of years ago by regular people who claim they heard the word of God and yeh I believe most of it because some of it is a scientifically proven, but things have changed from those days, its like people only want to go by only what applies to them. To me there all hypocrites! I think hes contradicting himself, like for example it says that were supposed to marry our cousins, do we do that now? No! why? because times have changed. And it also says that homosexuals are living in sin, and its ok for them to say that because it was written by some apostle that claims he heard God say that. Times have changed, of course it’s not “right” now a days to marry your cousin, you see what im getting at? In the big picture I strongly believe that as long as we live a righteous life, God will judge us accordingly! No matter who we are or how we choose to live our lives. I would hope that this is the God that I love with all my heart, I hope and strongly believe that he is forgiving and loves us no matter what, or why else would he have sent his son on earth to be persecuted for us? Because he knows were not perfect and will live in sin. It’s hard to make someone like him see things like I do. I think people like him are afraid! I think they need these guide lines or these so called rules of the bible, because there scared and need something to make them feel better about them self like there right and were all wrong! But they don’t see that you’re not supposed to take it so literally! I almost feel sorry for them like there missing out on a lot of things in life. Missing out on relationships with a lot of beautiful people, even if they are gay or whatever. I asked him “do you know anybody that is gay”? And he told me no, but he had acquaintances that were gay, see people like him that don’t know anybody, its hard for them to look past the fact that there gay, they see homosexuality as “sexually active, promiscuous people” like they stereotype them. Just the same way a racist person stereotypes blacks or Mexicans as only welfare receiving, stealing ghetto people, and were not all like that! There hypocrites to only live by what they think suites them, if your going to live exactly by what the bible says than do so! Marry your cousin, don’t have premarital sex, and don’t use birth control. How can you condemn something you know nothing about? What makes them so much better than anyone else? So what my last words to everyone is “God is love” we all believe in a higher power no matter if hes Mohammad or Buddha or what, if we all live a virtuous life and believe, God will judge us and none else should have the right to do so.

May 19, 2004

Merry un-Birthday to me! Gosh how time flies I remember writing in here last birthday. I am so getting old I just noticed another wrinkle under my eye, I need botox! This birthday is extra bad for me, I turned 27! THE YEAR! I know I sound crazy but I have always seen this year as the year! SO its kinda scary I feel like I need to do things now, I don’t know we’ll just have to see what happens. So we had our first party in our new house it was Marks 30th birthday so we invited everyone over and it turned out cool everyone had a good time I hope, I know I did! And yes of course you know me I got drunk like usual Mark gets mad at me, he sez I act to crazy! When did he notice that? Ive always been crazy!!!!! But he got really mad this time, im not the one his cousin and his wife were just the same! But I know I do get out of control sometime I admit it! But hey its all in good fun! Even though I don’t remember everything, I remember falling on top of the fireplace outside! I burned my hand but It didn’t hurt than haha! Yeh he’s right I do get ooc! I need to calm myself. But it was fun, Beto came down my bro in law my friends from work, and some of his family, they liked our house. We worked so hard to get everything done before than we just got like the hallway to do, you know me I cant stand white walls! It’s just now I can relax and not worry about deadlines. Im getting used to my house now it feels more like im home now, even though I still cant get used to Mark leaving to LA I hate it I cant sleep when hes gone I get paranoid! I don’t know lately ive been feeling better emotionally that is, besides all the funerals we’ve been going to and I just found out my friends sisiter might have breast cancer I swear its like all this bad stuff is happening in the world! War! Its like why cant everybody just be happy why does there have to be so much pain and suffering in this world it gets to me seeing shit on the TV all the time. But besides all that ive just been feeling tired I feel physically drained I don’t sleep good, so im tired all the time I’ve tried taking everything from bad stuff!! To ephedra, red bull blah blah and nothing seem to work I swear I feel like im going to physically fall apart one day I don’t know how much I can take it. My friend went to see this herbal doctor hes Japanese he gave her all these herbal medications to take for energy and stuff, I want to go see him because I feel like im falling apart I have no energy to do anything anymore. Well allrighty gots to get back to work when I take time off its like hell coming back!!!!!!

May 10, 2004
So I finally figured out what was up with Mark I guess because he’s turning 30 he’s going through this mid life crisis thing, he was acting like a butthead for like a whole week, which is not like him at all! And because of our little argument about me not doing enough, ok so it is some of my fault, but hey I grew up with a gold fork in my hand my grandma did everything for me, I never had to do shit and he new I didn’t know how to cook or whatever, but ok im sorry I guess I need to start doing more. Im a bad wife! and now I know why he gets scared when we talk about having a baby. I need to change I don’t want him to think that im a bad wife and regret anything I know he loves me, but I want to make him happy too. Relationships are hard! And we all need to work at them and realize what are faults are and admit it. So im going to try hard.
Well other than that things are cool I just hope he gets through this rut, its so weird how we all go through the same thing, like first it was me, when I had my breakdown, and than it was my friend here at work now she’s on stress leave and than it was my other friend she got pregnant had an abortion and her man is in jail, so I guess my problem wasn’t that bad, at least not as bad as there’s. Its weird how life brings all to the same point. Marks a strong person I know he’ll be ok. Me im a freakin scardy kat! And I’ll be ok for a while than I’ll go through it again.
Well Saturday we went to Sabrina’s birthday it was fun accept for the part were Mark left me for about an hour & I didn’t know were the hell he was, he’s lucky I was having fun getting drunk and smoking with his aunts. It was a trip because it was us, like his aunts and uncles in the living room drinking & dancing and then the younger crowd was outside, and then it hits me oh shit! Were no longer in the young crowd anymore we now part of the 25 and older crowd that has to listen to Santana & Malo! & hang out w/ the old vato locos! It was pretty funny! As you get older its funny how you start to notice changes all around you, you never noticed before, like well yesterday my aunt Irene calls me and tells me Fed’s mom is dying so we rush to the hospital to be there for him and all and I swear its like you get older and everybody starts to die! I swear ive been to more funerals in the past 2 years than in my whole life, we just got back from one like 2 weeks ago! Its getting scary I feel like soon ill be in there position and that scares the hell out of me! I hope they all will be ok, Fed was acting like nothing he just kept saying “its not her time yet”. I don’t know when your young you never think about shit like life and death, you think your invincible and that your never going to die, like before we used to get on a lot of roller coasters and rides and think nothing of it, now im like ok is this thing going to hold me? Is it going to stay on the track? I don’t know I feel older I feel more tired, I don’t have the energy I used to have. I guess we all go through it. I tried telling Mark for being 30 he sure has a lot, more than a lot of other people do and I am very grateful for that, and I know he is too.