Another weekend gone by, my time home is going by so fast i know maybe its because all I do is sleep all day, but I cant help it I feel so tired all the time I cant get myself to get outta this house, this past weekend I finally went out for the first time in a long time. and it felt good I still feel the same though but I actually had fun this weekend. Friday me Mark, Biancha, Sabrina, & Joaquin went to the movies we went to go watch "The Grudge" it was good it had alot of scary parts from the begining to the end. we took Biancha because we always see her there by herself I feel bad for her she stays home watches Maddie and goes out all the time by herself while Craig works im scared ill be by myself while Mark works I hope I can be a good mother like that. Well this is it were planning on having a baby soon like now i want to i think im ready its just the more i talk about it the more scared I get but I know that were both ready to do this and its so funny because Rene came by the other day and was like so I hear you guys are trying to get pregnant I was like oh my god Mark told someone I know he had to have how could we be planning this and everyone end up knowing its funny how rumors go around he was like yeh Eric told Lisa told him blah blah im was trippin. I just wanted to tell everyone at the right time im not even pregnant yet! I could just see everyone talking shit. well anyways after the movie we went to Arroyos an had some drinks that was cool we finally got new friends Sabrina & Joaquin are really cool its funny how alike we all we have so many things in common i like them you know how you meet people and you just click, well thats how we are we click! its funny how we do the same things, kaereoke, drink, we both love horror movies. Its wierd. Saturday we went to Augie dogs birthday, my family I dont know they all dont seem to want to be into anything anymore everone is so dead i know everyone has kids but noone wants to do anything more I wish they would snap outta it I know they have it in them. That night it was Cindy,Sophia & Stephanies birthday so we ended up going there with our new friends there calling us to go out its cute. I had fun we went down Joaquins house and we got so drunk I was cool at the party you know I get crazy when I drink I become friends with everyone I even was friends with Karla Pins woman i saw her sitting down by herself while Pin was outside with the boys ignoring her I felt bad for her so I was like come on dance with me so we had fun I dont know when i drink as sad as it may seem I become the person I want to be, thats pretty bad I know but it helps me be more outgoing and friendly, and I know people want to be around me and one thing I learned from Nikki my cuzin is that people love to be told there beutiful im a dork yes but i was telling PIn Karlas beutiful I was like why are you out here with these boys you need to go inside and be with your woman & I was telling ERic about Ariana they probabley think im a crazy ass freaky lesbian! but people like to be told there beutiful if i cant feel good about myself at leaste I can make someone else feel good! So the for the first time in a long time I actually had fun its been a while today im feeling pretty shitty Mark is going back to LA again so im here all day by myself i hate it! im finding myself sleeping longer & longer today i got up at 2:00 all I want to do is stay in bed! i think im really losing my mind yesturday i was hallucinating thinking i heard Mark talking on the phone in the living room about 6:00 in the morning and than i keep thinking someone is going to break in and kill me! im not so much scared of ghosts being in my house but of some crazy person breaking in! I know I heard something I just feel scared ! Im supposed to call to make an appointment with a psychitratist i know I need to talk to someone that could help me.
OK enough of me this weekend were going to LA I cant wait I need to get outta here, so I know it'll be fun. Oh hey by the way you like my pix?......

So isnt this cool i finally learneed how to put pictures in this thing it isnt the picture i wanted to put in here but i wanted to see if it would work and it does technology is cool! ill probably be taking it off beecause you dont know how many wierdos there are out in the world. well its friday night and i just got done watching Evil DeaD one of my all time favorite horror movies yes im weird i like horror movies all because of mt best friend we grew up watching them when we were kids my husband hates them he was so scared when we watched 13 Ghosts he started freakin out so he was pretending to fall asleep right now. I havent really done anything just stay home this week went by so fast i practically slept it all away, i dont know ive been taking my meds for about a month now and i dont feel any better, i still depressed as ever! i dont want to go anywhere i sleep all day sometimes i dont even go outside and the sad thing is its been hot and i havent swam in over a month or so, i dont know whats wrong with me i dont feel like talking to noone not even my own mother! i feel im getting worse and im scared ever since we moved into this house thats when it started its been almost 6 months and i still cant shake these feelings im scared there never going to pass, i worry about whats going to happen to my future. Besides all this, i actually havent told anybody yet but me and Mark are trying to have a baby, maybe this is what i need in my life maybe i nee something to live for, im am so scared i never thought I would actually be ready but i am for the first time, my doctor said it would be ok for us, and i know that in mmental state i should be careful but for the first time in my life i feel like this is the right time i never in my life thought id be ready, this is me saying this ok i never even wanted kids! but i know its right! as shitty as i feel right now about myself theres just something telling me everything is going to be ok! Life gets so complicated when you get older, you start to have so many responcibilities and everything ge3ts so hard! i camt even make out my bills sometimes i feel so fucked up! I just wish everything would go back to being the way they were before, i just wish God gives me the streghnth to make it through this crazy life because i know im going to need it............

me & Nikki

so many things going on i havent had the tiem to write, let me first start off by saying i finally took everyones advice and took sometime off work, i swear work was getting to me, if i wouldnt have finally went to the doctor i would have really lost my mind! i was stressing out so bad i have never in my life felt so awful, usually i go through stages in my life were im ok. and than ill go through a big depression well im relly going through it right now, so bad i started to get sick, my doctor put me on meds and i even got the courage to tell him i was feeling depressed, so he put me on paxil, its been about 2 weeks and i dont feel any different! i still cry every night! i still feel depressed big time! i dont know whats going on with me for a long time i tried to be strong but i think everthing ive gone through in my life has finally caught up to me and i feel like im losing it! everything bothers me, everything makes me sad! i worry about work, and what my futuire going to bring me? im glad i took some time off because i know i needed it mentally and physicaly, but i think what makes me feel worse is that i feel like such a failure in life, i wanted so much to do good for myself to make something out of my life, but i feel like i failed, im week, and as strong as i tried to be i couldnt do it, and staying home makes me feel just as bad! im scared of what the future might bring me, like im never going to get over these feelings...and ill be doomed forever. i went to my doctor today again and i told him i think i need to see a phyciatrist, i need someone to talk to, some one to guide me, Mark is such a wonderful person and has been very supportive through this whole thing but, he doesnt understand what its like, i get tired of trying to explain my feelings to him all the time, i try telling him i feel like a "clown" i put on this suit when im in front of everyone, this funny, happy person, but inside im really slowly dying, im screaming at the top of my lugs and noone hears me! i just want to feel myself again, i want these feeling to pass and for things to be good again and im scared im never going to feel that way. hopefully talking to someone will make me feel better. so, so many things have happened, my bro-in law got married, finally. it went well i guess you can say, it was 3 whole days with the in laws, i dont know, not that i dont like them or anything, because i do, i feel like they dont like me because im different, Mark told me that his dad cried like a baby twice through this whole thing , i went and looked at our wedding pix and noticed that not in one picture did he even have a smile on his face, on sunday when they had the after party at my in laws house they had a trio and all kinds of stuff for them, my father in law even dance with Lulu at the wedding i dont even thing he acknowledged that i was there, he never says hi to me, or even comes in my house, thinking about it on sunday while everyone was there broke my heart, and i cried, i even started to have a anxiety attack. Why do i even care if he like me? i dont know i just do, i care too much if people like me, even my other bro-in laws boyfriend, they came down for the wedding and stayed at our house which was cool, but i kept getting the feeling he didnt like me, he kept mentioning pretty girls at the wedding and didnt even say i looke nice. i thought i looked pretty for once in my life but i looked at the pictures i took and all i saw was a fat ugly person, how could i see myself different like that, i guess i really am i ugly. well the wedding was ok accept for the fact like i dint belong there, and that she didnt want me in here wedding im gald Chata went, and the guys came down because i would have felt so uncomfortable with my new sis in laws family talking shit about me the whole night, i swear they were getting on my nerves even Isaiha was like those girls are talking shit about us while we danced. Mark had to do the darn sound practicaly all night because they were unorganized had didnt have anyone else to do it. Other tahn that My new sister in law, well lets just her dress wasnt very flattering, i wish things could be different beteween us, and i feel bad for both my husband, and bro in law, i know they want to hang out with eachother more, but they dont because of us, but im tired of always having to be the bigger person and say something, i know she probably wont ever do it but, thats how it is. oh well, ill be off work till next year i just want to get better, ill have enought time to relax and get better, even though i think about dying and suicide everyday, i dont want to feel that way anymore.i just wish God would help me and guide me through this life and tell me what it is i need to do, why am i here, i guess thats a question we all ask ourselves......

gosh its allready october 3, 04 times flies by so fst i can t even keep up, ive been going through this relly bad funk! bad!its the worse ive eve had ti go thrugh so many emoitions going through my mind thinking the only whay to end this would to just go away forever, and none knows this not even my own husband i know he sees me but doesnt at the sam etime, i fell like im hiding from the world all the time im in this clown suit trying to be funnny and happy and what people want me to be but, im literally dying inside im crying at the top of my lungs and crying!!! and noone hears me, they dont know the real me, i am literally dying!inside all these emotions im having i cant understyand them im irrational, jelous, sensetive, i feel ugly!, like nothing! why am i here i keep trying to figure out what my purpose on this life is because all i feel is heartache and pain. everyday theres noot a day that goes by that idont feel like shit, well for the opast couple days we been plnnning rene and mayra wedding , well i havent reealy planned anything i was just as clueles than anyone, anywyas, im happy for rene realy i want him to be happy he my little homie, brother, but you know theres more of an issue than that oh well, i triee to not get involved mae things worse but now were sister in laws and i really hope hat things get better between us because i know she knows and right now i think everbody knows our issues, whatever that may be....im still trying to figure it out im jusy going to go with it like nothing, im just tired of haveing to be the bigger person in this and im afarid if i say something ti offend her which i probably wil, thats why i wont, im waiting for her like eith the whole kimaya issues....well the wedding was nice if they wouldve asked for help with she didnt i coulnve done alot better, but hey, it was nice not like mines of courese, even sandrs aunt was like your wedding was alot better, i was like thanks. but today what really got me was that they had this litle party at thr nunez everyone went over they had food and his dad was like so excited mark told me that he was balling crying like twice, he looked really happy so i went and looked at out pix and noy one is there of him smiling, and that broke my heart i felt i break, i cryed, why do i care? idont know but i do, am i not good enough for his son? i felt my hert breaking like i never felt and i dint even like him , i wsawhim go and dance with lulu all happy and he wont even talk to me or look at mewhy?? i colndt hel remember if acted he sameat our wedding, and i cant in all the pix there was not one smile what does that say about me??i care too muchhalltheselite things are making me fall apart i hate my life, EVERYTHING..i see myelf totally in a diferent was as everone sees me i thought i looked good yesturday and than im looking at the pix and im like fuck im fat and ugly everybody kept saying how beutiful i was but i was whatever