so many things going on i havent had the tiem to write, let me first start off by saying i finally took everyones advice and took sometime off work, i swear work was getting to me, if i wouldnt have finally went to the doctor i would have really lost my mind! i was stressing out so bad i have never in my life felt so awful, usually i go through stages in my life were im ok. and than ill go through a big depression well im relly going through it right now, so bad i started to get sick, my doctor put me on meds and i even got the courage to tell him i was feeling depressed, so he put me on paxil, its been about 2 weeks and i dont feel any different! i still cry every night! i still feel depressed big time! i dont know whats going on with me for a long time i tried to be strong but i think everthing ive gone through in my life has finally caught up to me and i feel like im losing it! everything bothers me, everything makes me sad! i worry about work, and what my futuire going to bring me? im glad i took some time off because i know i needed it mentally and physicaly, but i think what makes me feel worse is that i feel like such a failure in life, i wanted so much to do good for myself to make something out of my life, but i feel like i failed, im week, and as strong as i tried to be i couldnt do it, and staying home makes me feel just as bad! im scared of what the future might bring me, like im never going to get over these feelings...and ill be doomed forever. i went to my doctor today again and i told him i think i need to see a phyciatrist, i need someone to talk to, some one to guide me, Mark is such a wonderful person and has been very supportive through this whole thing but, he doesnt understand what its like, i get tired of trying to explain my feelings to him all the time, i try telling him i feel like a "clown" i put on this suit when im in front of everyone, this funny, happy person, but inside im really slowly dying, im screaming at the top of my lugs and noone hears me! i just want to feel myself again, i want these feeling to pass and for things to be good again and im scared im never going to feel that way. hopefully talking to someone will make me feel better. so, so many things have happened, my bro-in law got married, finally. it went well i guess you can say, it was 3 whole days with the in laws, i dont know, not that i dont like them or anything, because i do, i feel like they dont like me because im different, Mark told me that his dad cried like a baby twice through this whole thing , i went and looked at our wedding pix and noticed that not in one picture did he even have a smile on his face, on sunday when they had the after party at my in laws house they had a trio and all kinds of stuff for them, my father in law even dance with Lulu at the wedding i dont even thing he acknowledged that i was there, he never says hi to me, or even comes in my house, thinking about it on sunday while everyone was there broke my heart, and i cried, i even started to have a anxiety attack. Why do i even care if he like me? i dont know i just do, i care too much if people like me, even my other bro-in laws boyfriend, they came down for the wedding and stayed at our house which was cool, but i kept getting the feeling he didnt like me, he kept mentioning pretty girls at the wedding and didnt even say i looke nice. i thought i looked pretty for once in my life but i looked at the pictures i took and all i saw was a fat ugly person, how could i see myself different like that, i guess i really am i ugly. well the wedding was ok accept for the fact like i dint belong there, and that she didnt want me in here wedding im gald Chata went, and the guys came down because i would have felt so uncomfortable with my new sis in laws family talking shit about me the whole night, i swear they were getting on my nerves even Isaiha was like those girls are talking shit about us while we danced. Mark had to do the darn sound practicaly all night because they were unorganized had didnt have anyone else to do it. Other tahn that My new sister in law, well lets just her dress wasnt very flattering, i wish things could be different beteween us, and i feel bad for both my husband, and bro in law, i know they want to hang out with eachother more, but they dont because of us, but im tired of always having to be the bigger person and say something, i know she probably wont ever do it but, thats how it is. oh well, ill be off work till next year i just want to get better, ill have enought time to relax and get better, even though i think about dying and suicide everyday, i dont want to feel that way anymore.i just wish God would help me and guide me through this life and tell me what it is i need to do, why am i here, i guess thats a question we all ask ourselves......