Im sittting in Starbucks thinking about all the things I want to write and how much time has passed since the last time I wrote anything, I dont even know where to begin. Well things in my life still feel like a never endig story I hoestly dont even remember the last time I felt happy, My life is sinking so low even more than what I went through at Augustus Court, everything has changed i keep waiting till the day when I can actually hae a real smile on my face, I feel almost numb my heart is numb, after feeling so much pain Im tired of crying and im sick and tired of feeling sick and tired! it feels as if this pain in my heart is never going to go away! my relationship is almost to the breaking point of no return! im tired of trying to make him understand me! I dont know how much more I can actually do to make him really listen to me! its as if he dont get it! marriage should never be tooken lightly, relationships only work when two people make an effort to work together, friendships only last when 2 people make an effort, maybe its me that didnt want to try anymore, maybe its me why Ive lost everyone I loved! George, Lyndall, Sabrina, Jaoquin, and yes Mark! what I went through made my hole life a disaster! im never going to be that same Chrissy I was before I feel like ive also given up on life! that day they told me I had a brain tumor changed me forever! I believe thats the day I died! my soul died! the person i used to be Died! i dont know who I am, I dont know what I want in my life anymore, i feel more cofused than the day it all began. I dont know where to even go from here, I keep waiting for me to fee the same way about Mark and I dont, and I want so much to love him the same way I did before but I DONT! I try and I try to see him the same way and I cant. we do nothing but argue when were together, I dont tink i'll ever love him the same again he pushed me soooo far away theres no going back ever. He doesnt know me and i dont know him, we grew so far apart the love we once had for eachother I dont think will ever be the same again. And it makes me sad knowing that this is how its got to be but he doesnt get IT!!!! Im tired of trying to make him understand! theres no getting though to him. I hate how i feel hate that I had to go thought the things I had to go through as a child, but yes unfortunetly its made me the person I am today, and I hate this person, this sexual frustrated, crazy, depressed person! So ok he takes upon himself to move out of the room and give me space i come home one day and all his clothes and things are gone and moved to the other room, he pushes him self away from me, why??????? for 2cpeople to grow closer together you dont pull back, thats not how you work together, i try and tell him how I feel and what the problem is between us but he dont get it! i need for him to sexually want me! I need for him to look at me with lust in his eyes and want me the way he did before, but he dont ever since his obsession with his video game im forever tormented me and the person I am. The way I look at myself isnt the same, my self esteem is so fucked I see this ugly horrible person who ive become and its all because of him, and its hurts even more knowing he knew how i felt about myself

Today is December 9, 09
Its been about a year since everything has happpened to me, me getting sick, the problems that me and Mark started having, Joelie..its wierd how my life has changed since than, the way I feel about everything, the stupid things ive done since than! I feel like I dont even know who I am anymore, I knew the things I did was wrong but yet I couldnt seem to stop, its almost as if it was a different person and not really me doing them, its like I became someone else. and the sad thing is I felt nothing, no guilt! nothing! I felt so heartless it was horrbile!
well things between me and Mark are better I want so much to work things out between us I do love him, hes good to me after all weve been through in the past year I dont think any other man wouldve done the things hes done for me, and would have put up with all the shit ive put him through! hes good to me and I dont want to mess things up again, thats why I decided to say goodbye to Whos Here, and anyways I got really tired of stupid guys harrassing and just wanting stupid pix of me, it got so irritating you cant trust people on there even the ones that you think are your friends they only wanted 1 thing and I dont need that. so I said goodbye and havent been on it in a long time. I dont really care anymore I need to focus on myself right now and care about what other people think of me, I put it on myself too much whether people or should I say guys think of me. and If I keep thinking like that im never going to feel good about myself, but im done at leaste for now, ive seen how guys could be and its crazy they only want one thing, but I guess thats all I wanted too, I dont know, ive felt so lost for so long that I didnt know what I was looking for, but I think I know what it was, I was looking for that second Joel someone that was going to make me feel like he did, someone that was going to treat me like he did, and i know now htere will never e another him, its time for me to move on without him and move on without wh.

What has become of me? what have i turned into? ive become this person i feel i dpot even recognize anymore! someone with no remorse or feelings, almost as if im numb! for the first time yesterda\y i felt something i felt guilty! i felt sorrow and now its gone! with no care in the world accept hatred! hattred for myself! i have so many secrets noone knows the real me! he doesnt know the real me! they dont know the real me! i dont know who i am anymore, the more mistakes i make the more i feel as if im dying insdie, but yet it feels as if its a different me! a person driwen by sex and evil! ever since the begining of the year when i got really sick ive become this person i dont recognize, its almost as if i have 2 different personailites one the real me crazy cool Chrissy, the other this cruel non feeling gulit free crazy for sex and love chrissy

Why does it feel like theres this dam rain cloud hanging over my head!

I swear if I hear any more bad news im going to jump off the roof of my work building! its like this stream of bad luck is never fucking ending! Why couldnt I have just died! everything sucks right now and I keep making the same stupid mistakes too why the fuck dont I learn! I swear this is the last time I do this to myself no more im done I cant take anymore ! and whats wrong with me? its like I keep pushing away people on purpose its like everytime something good happens I seem to push away people and end up scaring them off, im so stupid I swear! its no wonder why everyone hates me! I just feel like my life is fucked up right now, ever since i gotten sick its like I dont know how to get my life back, everythings different and its like I keep looking for this happiness in this dam fantasy land that I live in, and I know its not reality but I keep falling for it! it makes me so mad! all I want is to just be happy again and I feel like im never going to be, and not with all this dam bad luck I keep having.

So yesterday we went to go t see if they were going to be able to modify our loan on our house and the guy says well u8 have till tomorrow to get in everything so

Amazing
I kept the right ones out And let the wrong ones in Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins, There were times in my life When I was goin' insane, Tryin' to walk through The pain. When I lost my grip And I hit the floor I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door!
I was so sick and tired Of livin' a lie! I was wishin that I Would die!
It's Amazing With the blink of an eye you finally see the light, It's Amazing When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright, It's Amazing And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings You have to learn to crawl Before you learn to walk But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeahI was out on the street, Just tryin' to survive Scratchin' to stay Alive!

The open wound she hidesShe just keeps it bundled upAnd never lets it showShe can't take much more of thisBut she can't let it goAnd that's ok, she don't want the world
All the things she saysWhile he's just lying thereWithout someone to hear her cryShe slips off into a dreamAbout a place to hideAnd that's ok, she don't want the worldThis love she feelsEverything she's ever knownOr ever thought was realSeems like it's been thrown awayNow how's she gonna liveIt's ok, she don't want the worldThose words he never spokeHaunt her life, the memoriesOf all the times beforeShe tried to show him loveWhile he would only ask for moreBut it's ok, she don't want the worldSoftly in her sleepPictures of the life she's longingFor slowly appearShe's seen them all beforeBut somehow never quite this clearShe just smiles, she don't want the worldThis love she feelsEverything she's ever knownOr ever thought was realSeems like it's been thrown awayNow how's she gonna liveIt's ok, she don't want the worldA brand new morning shinesAs she wakes up alone againThis time to face the dayShe swears there's time to make itAs she simply walks awayAnd it's ok, she don't want the world

June 22, 2009
I feel like a complete idiot! AGAIN!!! Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself and the funny thing is that I can already predict what is going to happen and yet I keep making the mistakes by letting people in why? I don’t like getting hurt but yet I don’t seem to learn! I can’t take being hurt anymore so that’s why all this has to end! No more! I cant deal with people using me that’s all they ever do is just pretend to care, and than they end up kicking me to the curb, maybe this keeps happening because this is Gods way at getting back at me, I deserve all I get! I feel like such a complete idiot! Ever since I got sick my life has been nothing but pain and sorrow! What did I do to deserve all this? Am I that much of a bad person that I deserve to be hurt over and over again? I cant take all this pain anymore! Everything has changed in my life, my friends aren’t the same anymore, they’ve all changed, or is it me? Not even George talks to me anymore I come back and all of a sudden everything’s different why did I have to go through that? It changed everything in my life, my relationship with my husband, I would have never met Joelie and I would have never had my heart broken the way that It did! I know I always said that I wanted to feel those butterflies again and have someone to get to know me again but I didn’t mean I wanted to feel heart ache again Everything is so complicated right now my relationship at home is only getting harder and harder to bear, im afraid things will never be the same I feel so guilty when im with him its like everyone always sees him as the good person and im always the bad guy now even my family thinks im having an affair on him, I talked to Nikki on Sunday about what I was feeling and everything that has been going on and she turned around and told everyone now they think im cheating on Marco and im once again im the bad guy the black sheep of the family, Cammille told Bianca that she still hasn’t gotten over how I treated her that one day at our old house and I understand I did say a lot of harsh words but I had so much built up emotions and I had to let it out, and now I feel like she hates me but she don’t see the bad things that she does or how she makes me feel, when she always puts me down. I hate this I feel like everyone hates me, When im with Marco I feel guilty and confused and it makes me sad that I feel this way because I still love him I always will no matter what and I know its not fair to either one of us if I stay knowing that I cant give him my all, and maybe the reason why I talk to all these guys is because I want so much to find happiness in my life, I cant remember the last time I actually laughed or smiled with really feeling it! And I know it sounds selfish but I want that happiness so bad I feel like I need to did whatever it takes to find it, whether it would have been in Belgium or in Boston or here at home! I don’t want to feel this way anymore! I just want to be happy again. Wednesday was such a bad day first my friend said he needed time to think about things but I cant help think its my fault again I make things so complicated and I know that’s what he was thinking, and probably regrets meeting me, but why did he lead me on thinking that he felt the same if the hole time he didn’t and now I feel like its going to end up like the other one, I should have know that that’s how things were going to end up because anytime I try to find happiness something bad happens its like I have this rain cloud over my head all the time. Oh well maybe its better this way but its hard when you get attached to someone and you talk to them everyday and than one day there gone from your life! That’s what have a hard time dealing with, I wonder if they ever really cared about me to just be able to let me go so quick, did I not mean anything to them at all? Maybe not! later that evening we went to Fats for Myras birthday and i started drinking and i know I do these things to take my mind of all the bad shit thats happening but i drank too much and Marco got mad at me because I was texting on my phone so I left and walked home drunk when i got home I was hysterical screaming and crying I hate that I do that but I have so much sadness built up in me that I feel like im losing it! I took a razor and cut myself all up now I have to deal with hiding my scars from everyone!
When is someone going to love me the way I want to be loved? Not even Marco can, he doesn’t look at me the way I wish he would! When I talk to other people the way they see me is different maybe it’s the lust they have in there eyes for me, or how they think im sexy or beautiful! He told me the reason why he never tells me im beautiful is because to him he can only tell that to someone he loves, and im thinking hes not saying it because he doesn’t think I am! It has to be that! And that makes me feel even shittier! Even my other friend tells me I am. I want to feel pretty because I never feel that way about myself I hate who I am, what I look like! And I need to hear it! And with Marco I don’t feel it when he tells me he doesn’t look at me the way they do, I cant explain it! All I ask for is for all this pain to go away!

Things are so horrible right now I never thought my life would be so fucked up, my marriage, my friends, my job, im at the point of no return! I feel like im seriously falling apart, my hair is falling out, im getting these horrible stress wrinkles, you can see the stress all over my face, im like what's next my arms and feet are going to fall off! I feel so lost and confused right now its like ever since Joelie and me being sick that my life has changed so drastically I feel different about life and about my marriage, it scares me to the point were I dont know what I want anymore, as far as me and Marco I love him I will always love him no matter what happens between us, but its different now my feelings for him have changed andI know as much as he dont want to admit it that his feelings for me have changed too, I know he hates me, I know that he's never ever going to trust me ever again! and the sad thing is that I serioulsy dont know if I can trust myself, and right now the truth is I can't! and I feel so horrible!!!!! I hate myself! I hate this person that ive become ever since ive gotten sick! I feel so confused about my life and what I want for me, and I cant stop myself from making the same mistakes over and over and over again!!!! I dont know whats wrong with me?** I cant seem to control myself! and its only making things worse, I feel im not ready to make that change. I feel i have all these bad demons provocing me to do bad. I almost dont know what's right and what's wrong anymore. Im scared I might never know again. Im scared that things may never be the same again, between Marco and me, between my friends and I! I dont know how to fix things. I feel so used and yet I do it to myself over and over again! I hate this person that I am, I hate the things that I do and yet I cant stop myself, I feel like almost giving up! I dont know whay all this has happened to me, why did I have to be the one to go throough all this? Why ME GOD? have you totally givin up on me?

So many thigns going on right now and of course not all good i dont even know where to start, its been so complicated with me and Mark ever since I got sick and met Joelie and all that stupid drama! I wish i can go back in time and change it all, i wish i can go back in time and never have met him, cause ever since than our relationship has changed so drastically, i dont know if i will ever feel the same again, i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him i feel like ever since the whole stupid XBox thing where he ignored me, it made me feel like he didnt care about me and it really hurt me a lot! it scarred me to the point where im not the same anymore, my feelings for him are not the same anymore! i love him but i dont know if im still in love with him? i want to fix things and thats why i got rid of Who'sHere i had to say goodbye if i want to fix this. This past weekend Beto came over and we hung out, his neice had graduated and they threw a party for her at Fedelias house, well that week prior to everything, i had been kind of chatting with some guy i had met on Photoswap, he's young and we kind of connected but just as friends and i did things i shouldnt have, and that Saturday night i got so drunk the next day which was Sunday, Marco started acting wierd, and well somehow he got into my phone again and saw every picture i had of him and of me, I know im so stupid i dont know why i keep doing these stupid things! that Sunday we argued like crazy and fought like crazy! i just feel so confused right now i feel like my whole life is falling apart! he has no job we might lose our house, i might soon not have a job, i feel like i have aged like 5 years over night! i look at myself and all i see is wrinkles, and than my hair is falling out! i have never felt so horrible and felt like my life is falling apart so bad! i have been through tough times but never to where im losing everything at once. its so complicated and i feel so guilty as if im never going to be good enough for him, i feel as if maybe i should leave him so he can be happier without me, so he can find someone thats going to make him happy and not hurt him, and at this point in my life i dont know if i can do that, i feel as if im never going to be able to give him hat he wants and thats a family....i don know if im ever going to be ready to give him a baby..and its not fair to him! i dont know what to do...i dont want to do this again to him i feel so guilty! sometimes when i have problems i seek answers in things that appear i my everyday life, like for example i have a question that i have in my mind i'll see a sign somewhere or i'll hear a song on the radio that the answers are in the lyrics, yesterday i was watching the second part to Donnie Darko S. Darko, and the movie was about going back in time and how we would change a situation if we had the power to do so and how it would effect each person in our lives and i felt as if it was giving me an answer, and that was to move on, and the sad part about it was all i can think about was him, and what can possibly happen between us, and i knew that was my answer! but it makes me even more confused cause i cant put myself in that same situation again, i cant let myself get hurt again and thats why i had to tell him that we had to slow things down. but now it makes me even more confused, i know that Mark is a good guy, no wait hes a great guy! but im not so great! i dont know if i can trust myself, i dont know what i want? and i feel horrible its not fair to him and its not fair to me! i guess only time will tell, and im still waiting for that next sign on what to do..
well on another note for our birthdays Adrian bought us tickets to go see a concert in Oakland, it was fun i got really drunk i dont even really remember the concert i was talking to everyone else and making friends that i didnt even pay attention to it, and than again me and Mark got into another argumen in front of Adrian, he pinched me really hard cause i was talking to some gay guys, its just so crazy to me! well that next day we went to Carnival, and i swear i had this weird prementition that i was going to see a psychic there and when we went i did! this young girl comes up to me and tells me she sees something, so i go talk to her and the lady starts telling me all these wierd things like she said my family hates to see me suceed and that theres one person in my family that hates it when I do! that its as if all her negative energy has cursed me into not doing good in my life! and i thought that is so crazy cause who else could it be but, u know who..she told me that i hurt a lot and its as if i sometimes wear a clown mask to hide my true feelings and to make people think im happy on the outside when im really hurting on the inside. She told me that i had recentlly gotten really hurt by someone lately, but i knew all along that i was living in a fantasy world! i swear i started to cry it was so strange all that she told me, and than she had mentioned that when i was young i used to play with the Ouija board and some of the spirits stayed wiht me. And what got me was that she mentoned how all this time ive been hurting and thinking that God was not listening to me or cared about me but all along he's been here by my side listening and wiping my tears away, it was crazy! because i kept telling MArk that i feel like God has given up on me! i dont know what my future is going to bring but i just want things to get better, and as ive said many times before, i dont ask to be rich or famous all i ask is to be happy i would give up everything to just feel that happiness again...

So things are ok, went to San francisco this weekend to spend time with my husbands family it was cool, we had a lot of fun, went to Golden Gate Park, rode bikes, went on some boats, and went dancing at night, i actually ahd a good time getting my mind off things, me and Mark, and Me and ?? I think its just time to move on I really dont care anymore! everything was so not worth it to me! I regret so much and in return all I got was heart ache! so good bye for good!
but im feeling better Mark and I are working things out, were getting along good, it was really weird though I admit when I saw my brother in law after he read everything I wrote I felt really uncomfortable! I felt as if he saw me different now, lik maybe he was dissapointed in me or something.... but we talked about it and he's actually very understanding about the whole situation it was just weird cause I felt like they all knew or soemthing what had happened.

"Let Me Go"

One more kiss could be the best thing But one more lie could be the worst, And all these thoughts are never resting, And you're not something I deserve, In my head there's only you now, This world falls on me, In this world there's real and make believe And this seems real to me..

You love me but you don't know who I am, I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand, And you love me but you don't know who I am.... So let me go, just Let me go! I dream ahead to what I hope for, And I turned my back on loving you, How can this love be a good thing, When I know what I'm goin through, In my head there's only you now, This world falls on me, In this world there's real and make believe, And this seems real to me..

You love me but you don't know who I am, I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand, You love me but you don't know who I am, So let me go, Just Let me go...Let me go, And no matter how hard I try I can't escape these things inside I know....When all the pieces fall apart You will be the only one who knows! So let me go, Just let me go!

He's never going to forgive me, and maybe im never going to forgive him for abandoning me when I needed him the most! I regret everything that I did! I regret falling for someone that didnt really care about me, your on the other side of the world happy and im here suffering from it all, I dont regret meeting you but I regret everything that happened because I have to deal with it all now! I dont know if we'll ever get past all this, I dont know if you'll ever trust me again, but what you dont understand this all happened because you were childish and couldnt grow up! Understand what you did to me still hurts! Understand that things between are difficult becuase you cant move on with this, Forgive me or just let me go already!

So last night me and some coworkers went out to celebrate one of our friends birthdays, we ended up going to dinner and than after to have drinks, it was actally fun Ive been trying to get them to all to go out for a long time but there always so sqaure and dont ever want to do shit, but they are actullay starting to open up now, I see a change in all of them, ever since Ive been back at work things with everyone has changed with Ale, with Claude, ever since Claude was introduced to Who'sHere i see a chnage in her she's more open to things to meeting people, at work all she does is chat its pretty funny I think she's starting to see what the real world is about all the dirty naughty things that are in this world, but im happy for her she's finally coming out of her shell. I can tell her self esteem is getting better she dresses up now she curls her hair wears makeup and everything. So last night we all had an awesome time laughing and cracking jokes Ale was even having a good time, I dont think she's laughed like that in a long time, I dont think any of us have. Maybe me getting sick did have a purpose, it changed all the relationships that ive had with people, with my friends, with my family, with my husband and I, Its made us all see things different, maybe I was the ticket for everyone to make a change in there life, and not take for granted what we have. At work it brought us all back together again, all the crap that had happened in the past between us all, is gone now, were all friends again, maybe not like we used to be, but at leaste we can all laugh together again. And that makes me happy, even though I still feel lost and confused it matters to me that I at leaste made a diiference in the lives of the people around me. So anyways we all had a few drinks and after a while the gang left and I called Mark to pick us up cause Claude couldn't drive and yes she actually drank I was in shock along with everyone else, but she was having a good time and thats all that mattered, see Claude is one of my religious to the core friends, she doesnt understand gay people or approve of there life style, she attends church on an everyday bases and prays religiously!! she's closed minded to a lot of things but is now starting to see the world as it really is, and yes I had to be the one to show it to her, why am I such a corrupter! I always tend to have this crazy affect on people and when there around me they tend to do things they originally woulldnt do, hmmmmm and not always is that a good thing. Well we ended up taking her to Paradise a gay bar of course and Maria and I wanted to just go to dance, Claudia was a little tripped out at first she kept saying how she didnt know any of that kind of stuff existed, and I was like "honey you have a lot to learn" but she was ok we danced and I made friends like I usually do, we had fun I think she was a little tripped out after a while cause Maria and I got a little crazy so we ended up going home, Maria ended up staying at the house and I passed out after incredible ....All in all it was a good night....

My mind keeps going and going thinking about all the stupid things ive done im my life, my consious is killing me! I feel so stupid to have believed all the stupid crap that people have said and have tried to make me believe...maybe I said all the wrong things too, What is wrong with me? Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Why cant I stop? I feel like such a horrible person! All the shit that I have done in my life, I dont understand why I keep doing this to myself JUST STOP ALREADY!!!!
But I cant! I dont want too! But I do! My mind is saying no but my body says yes! and my heart doesnt know anymore! I feeel so confused with everything, I dont know where I want this life of mines to go anymore, theres so much more I want to do that im confused I dont want to hurt him anymore, I dont want to hurt myself anymore, I just wish things were different, I wish I could go back in time and change it all. These feelings that I have, these thoughts that I have, they haunt me, but yet I dont learn.

Even though im far away, IM REAL! Even though you cant see me or touch me, IM REAL! Im a real person with feelings! My heart is Real! My pain is real! Even though you may not know it! Why did all this have to happen? I was fine before all this, before you! Why did you have to make everything so much more complicated! Everything ive done and everything I had to go through was just for nothing! I hate you! I love you! I wish I would have never met you! Why wont it go away? Just go away already! You dont need me anymore stop pretending you care!

"The Real Life"

I wanted to find somewhere to hide
And I opened up and left those fears inside
And I wanted to be anyone else
Only to find that there was noone there but me

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

I let those hard days get me down
And all the things I hate got in my way
I could of screamed without a sound
I found myself silenced by those things they say

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

Thats out there somewhere
And it cant be that far away
Thats where ill find myself
And ill find my way out
Thats where ill find out

But I woke up to real life
And I realised its not worth running from anymore
When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me

"MY 80'S BIRTHDAY BASH!"

PICTURES FROM THE PAST YEAR OF MY LIFE..

So im here at work just killin time and thouight id write since I have so many things on my mind, so things are going good for once me and Mark talked about things yesterday and were trying to work things out, I love him and always will, but yes things have changed i have to remember what it was like before all this happened, I have to remember why it is that I fell in love with him, and I know i will eventually, I know I just need time to heal things have been so hard lately he doesnt undwerstand what I went through was really hard, I dont think any body could imagine the pain and emotional suffering I went through and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Just imagine not knowing if your going to live or die, and imagine the things you would be thinking, it came to a point where I seriously didnt care anymore and i was really ready to go, everyday is a struggle for me, and yes sometimes I do still feel the same, I dont know if i'll ever feel different sometimes I love life and sometimes I hate my life sooo bad that I want to give up! I ask myself everyday what my purpose in life is? and I still cant figure it out, I probably wont ever know why, all the shit that I had to deal with I felt as if God was testing me, but I failed once again! Why cant I seem to learn? I keep making the same mistakes over and over and I feel so guilty, I know Mark didnt deserve what I did he's an incredible person, but I also cant help what I felt either, and thats what he doesnt understand, I felt alone and abandoned by him and everyone! it sucks to feel like your own partner isnt attracted to you or feel like they dont want you anymore and maybe I shouldnt have given up on him so fast but I really felt like he had given up on me! yeh I had strayed and met an incredible person, but he made me feel good at a time in my life when I was very down and maybe I was gullible and naive to think that something could really happen between us, but I needed someone to make me feel good when all I could think about is if I was going to die or not. Its crazy and I ask myself why me? why did I have to go through what I did? but I think everything happens for a reason and maybe this happened to open up my eyes that life has so much more too offer and not to take it for granted or the people that we love for granted! and Im ready to move on with my life and make a fresh new start with Mark, I feel guilty that I hurt him, I always told him I would hurt him, and maybe in the back of my mind I wanted him to leave me cause I always felt I wasnt good enough for him, but he chose to stick by me through everything and I know now that, thats real love! Love is so complicated if I knew being married would be so hard I might have thought twice but, I do love him even though things between us have changed I know it'll get better and we'll remember why we first fell in love again. And as for my friend as wierd as it sounds im happy that he found someone yeh it hurts but I feel like people come into your life everyday for a reason, he made me love again and feel loved, he made me a different person and I will forever be greatful to him for that, he made me see myself in a different way! I know I probably will never be happy with who I am but I know now that its possible to love myself. So In all I guess I do know why this all happened, my best friend once told me that I brought people together and that was always my main focus in life, it was to bring people together, and to make a difference in someones life and Im pretty sure I did! when you go through stuff like this it puts a new perspective on life, I know now to only care and put your energy into people that actually care because for so long I cared about what people thought of me and I learned that it shouldnt matter, it should only matter what you think of yourself! I learned not to take the little things in life for granted anymore, I learned that love is a powerful thing, it could hurt and make you feel things you never thought you could ever feel, but what is life withought love? One day i'll be able to look back at all this and understand and maybe even laugh... but until than all I can do is live every day to the fullest and like its my last...

Well theres been so many things that are going on in my life i dont even know where to start, I went through a really bad health scare recently, it all started last November me and Mark were supposed to go out one night and of course what was he doing but yes playing his stupid video game, I kept on him telling him lets go but he just ignored me like he usually did and so i got really mad and ended up drinking and getting really drunk to where i couldnt even remember what happened that night, well that weekend i felt really tired not sick like a hangover but tired as if i couldnt even get out of bed, So i went to work that next couple of days and my knee and shoulder started hurting i ended up going to the Dr. they couldnt find anything wrong so i went and got ex rays and they still found nothing it felt as if i broke my leg or something but there was nothing broken or sprained, anyways i ended up in the emergency because i was in so much pain! i was out of work for a whole month i couldnt move at all I couldnt go to the bathroom by mysel, i couldnt comb my own hair, or even feed myself it was very hard! and yeah Marco was there but emotionally he wasnt. And than he lost his job and started working at night and things changed. well i did end up going back to work in December and i felt fine for a while but i started feeling my body hurting again, and well for New Years Eve we had all planned to go to LA and hang out with everyone but i got so bad i couldnt really walk and i was in a lot of pain that we ended up driving back home and i spent my whole new Years in the emergency room, it was so sad! the next day i was in so much pain i went to see my Dr. and he ended up admitting me in the hospital, well on New Years Eve they had given me cat scan and when the dr. came into the office with my whole family there he had told us all that it looked like i had a brain tumor...and at that moment My heart stopped i didnt know what to think, so many things went through my mind, i automatically thought i was going to die! what else are you to think when someone tells you that, but I couldnt even cry i didnt know what to really think, my whole family started crying and the only thing that came into my mind was that I was finally getting what I had been asking for, for so long! I ended up staying in the hospitol for over a week and everyday that past i was getting worse and worse I couldnt move my whole right side of my body I couldnt even open my hand or move my toes, it was the scariest thing ever i thought i was going to be paralyzed forever and never be able to move or walk again, and thats what I was most afraid of, not so much dying cause I was already to die. After a week I did end up going home they still didnt know what was wrong with me and they wanted to send me to a specialist in San Francisco, we were already talking to a nuero surgeon planning on what was going to be done, they wanted to do a biopsy and everything. So when i got home i was really amazed to see my husbands family was really there for me, I was so shocked! they helped me out a lot by coming to clean, washing my clothes and even cook for me, i couldnt believe it cause they never even would come to our house, or even really talk to me much and even Adrian came and cooked for me made sure i had food to eat for a week, it was very nice of them, i was really sad and hurt that my family didnt even come by until a month later but its what i expect from them. It was strange to find out that the people that you think will be there for you arent and the people that you think wont be are! I was surprised that even Lyndall was coming by and helping me even Maria Takara came by, but in the back of my mind I could tell it was a pitty visit, im sure they felt guilty thinking that i might die and felt regretful of the crap they did to me, it was just strange but I didnt even care becuase i needed all the friends i could get, with my family not being very supportive and all. Well i ended up getting better over time but i was going to San Francisco every week to see a specialist I was all kinds of crazy tests I had to get a spinal tap that really hurt ive been through a lot of pain in my life and im usually ok with pain but that hurt soo much!! I was doing MRI's here and there, eye tests..everything! And now im better they did rule out that its not a tumor but they think i might have multiple sclorosis, all the symptoms i have are very similar to someone with MS, but there not sure yet because my case is so different from anyone else that has it so i now have to wait and see what happens. I feel way better now i can walk and move normally im not quite a 100% i might not ever be, but i know im going to live! (unfortunaltely) and thats another thing when you go through something like this you start to see life in a very different way, there was a time when i wanted so much to give up and say God im ready to go, and i really didnt care anymore, i felt like i would be a lot happier if I were to just die! and I was really ready, I thought ive done pretty much everything ive wanted to do and was ready to accept that my life was over, I couldnt think about my future or what was going to happen because I really felt as if I didnt have one and I started to feel really depressed, and also because I felt so alone! after a while the attention died out and I was by myself a lot of the time, i couldnt really go anywhere I was home a lot and Mark was gone working all night, I felt lonely and scared and really felt as if no one cared anymore. So me and Mark have been having problems for some time now weve totally grown apart because of all the drama that he had been putting me through with his stupid game and all and I felt really distant from him, all the time he made me feel like he didnt care or love me the same anymore, I felt ugly and abandoned by him our sex life was non existant and he acted like he didnt care anymore, and he was there for me physically by helping me out at home and all but he wasnt emotionally! I couldnt talk to him about how I felt or anything cause he didnt want to hear it and I needed for him to listen to me say that I wanted to give up but I couldnt tell him those things, and well I started seeking attention from other people, and I ended up meeting someone on this stupid application my phone has called Who'sHere, he was amazing he was like no other man I had ever met before, and we connected although he was from halfway around the world, and thats what made it even more interesting connecting with someone that lived so far away, we started chatting everyday, emailing eachother, talking, and I even began to see him on a web cam, it was nice being able to talk to someone about what i was going through it was nice expressing my feelings to someone that actually cared. And he did,(so I thought) he listened to everything i had to say whether it was how i wanted to give up on life or how i hated myself and everything! and I needed someone to hear me say that I wanted to die! and how I really felt about what was going on, and he did and I started to fall for him big time, he was gorgeous and nice and supposedly cared about me too, he was sending me emails about how he was falling for me too and how he felt that he was in love with me, and I felt the same way and we became really close, everyday we were chatting we talked in the morning and in the evening, it became a daily routine that I would be in some kind of contact with him, and him being so far made it even more interesting and I couldnt believe how I could be falling for someone that I had never even met! Mark and I were fading even more and more and my feelings for him had changed, they had actually been changing for a long time ever since he had been acting stupid and didnt care,I had given up on him and my love for him changed, I loved him, but I didnt know if I was still in love with him anymore i felt as if he gave up on me and i had given up on him too..and yes the one mistake i did make with my friend was not telling him that I was married, I felt really bad and guilty, but i hadnt because i never thought it would have came to what it did, I felt like as if I was really falling in love with him, and I knew it was only right for me to tell him, and I was so scared too but i did and I cried and I told him the truth that I was married, and he was ok with it, he said he understood because he went through something similar, and still talked to me the same. Things between us became more and more serious we were seeing eachother on a web cam, and it was awesome! I had never been so turned on by a man in my whole life! he made me feel things i couldnt believe. He made feel alive again! Cause for the first time someone saw me the way I had been wanting to be seen, and although he was on the other side of the world and we were only seeing eachother on a web cam I felt like when he was looking at my through the computer I felt like he was really looking at me in my eyes, and it felt nice! And I had talked about before how If I was ever going to have a connection with someone again and if I would ever have those butterflies or if someone would ever get to know the real me again and I did, he made me feel good about myself I felt pretty for once, noone had ever made me feel that way in my life! We even discussed me going to visit him in Belgium and I really thought about it, I wanted to go more than anything! I felt me going there was going to help make me decide whether my relationship at home was worth keeping or not, but i couldnt make a decison and i told him yes and than no and than again yes and again no, but I thought about what it would be like to see him face to face and how it would be to touch him, kiss him and possibly even make love to him, but I was scared too. And As for me and Mark things were already bad, i was unsure about how I was feeling for him, I love him as a person, we get along but as friends, sometimes it feels as if were only roomates and thats it, my love for him is different now I dont know if I felt the same way anymore, I dont know if I felt the same about our relationship anymore , So yes I did have mixed emotions about actually going there and at the last moment I decided fuck it! im going to go! what did i have to lose me and Mark were practically over anyways, and I wanted to especially after my whole thing that I went through, I felt as if I didnt have anything to lose anymore, and what if I were to die this would have been my last chance to see what was out there, BUT when I told him my decision to go there, he told me he didnt want me to anymore because he had met someone I was in shock! my heart felt like someone just ripped it out of my body! I hadnt been crushed like that in sooo long, probably since middle school when Edward Hernandez my supposed soul mate told me he just wanted to be my friend, I just didnt understand how someone could say they are in love with you one minute and the next say sorry I dont want to see you anymore! Everything till that moment I thought things had been going great between us, but now I think back and I seriously dont know what the fuck I was thinking I was seriously living in some kind of fantasy world thinking something would have happened between us, or that he really loved me, I wanted someone to love me again and I wanted to feel love so much that I didnt care about anything I didnt care about how it would affect me and Marks relationship or what was going to happen between us, I just wanted so bad to feel something good that was going to make me forget about all the pain and suffering I had been going through but I felt so heart broken after I didnt even want to talk to him anymore, and I tried! I really tried not emailing him or texting him but I couldnt! I had tried many times before, because I knew deep down inside he would only bring me heartache, but I chose to ignore it, I knew I shouldve stopped a long time ago before it got out of control but I chose to keep talking to him. I just didnt understand he fell "out of love" with me so fast and I guess I do understand that things changed because I said I was married but I felt I was ready to move on with my life, there were problems happening in my marriage for a long time. I started to feel as if I scared him away with all my drama with Mark, he probably thought to himself why the hell did I ever get involved with her?! we talked still after that, still flirted but I noticed he started to change, he didn’t talk to me the same , he was drifting away, there were no more nice emails or texts, and Now things are weird its not the same anymore, I was begining to feel stupid as I was always throwing myself at him but he just kest rejecting me, and I realized I needed to just move on, I could’ve really given him my all but he chose not to do the same. How could he pass up the opportunity to meet someone that he made a connection with from halfway around the world, I would have never rejected him like that especially over someone he says he supposedly had just met, and in the end ended up breaking his heart! I really hope he regrets it one day in the end! But it doesn’t even matter anymore, I do still care for him but you can only be rejected so many times before you give up. Its just strange now I don’t see him anymore and we don’t talk like we used to, and I miss that cause for how many months it was all about him! I still think about him and of course the things we used to do and talk about but things are different I don’t really understand him anymore, maybe cause I did end up complicating his life after I told him I probably would, it just started feeling like he only wanted me when it was convenient for him, and now he tells me hes seeing someone else again. He told me one day he would be thinking about me but with an ache in heart, when I was in LA and what I had told him I was going to do, why would he tell me that if he didn’t care? its like he was sending me mixed signals, but I gave up, I know things will never be the same and it hurts like brand new shoes! I sometimes feel even more torn than I did in the beginning and I feel like I messed everything up between me and my husband, he didn’t want me and now i feel ive lost him too I know he'll never be able to trust me or forgive me and that kills me.... Saturday I was sitting watching a movie thinking around this time I would have been talking to him and I felt sad and alone, and I cried, not because he wasn’t there but because I felt really alone and heart broken because of everything that I had done! I don’t know what my future is going to bring but I know now that its time to move on and its ok I guess, this is what life and love is all about, feeling pain and accepting that your not always going to get what you want, and learning to be happy with just yourself, and even though I know I may never be happy with myself I know now that I can love again and hopefully one day be loved back in return the way I want too...



"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Im here at worek bored its been a long time since ive written anything, i guess beacause it been the sam eole same ole thing, well lately i guess ive been gong through alot, ive been having seizures again and a while back i had b=ntoiced that i had a bump growing on the back of my head i dont really remember when the first time ever notice it was but just recently i noticed it getting bigger, i kinda figuered it might have been when i fell in the Augustus st pool, while we were cleaning, anyways i had showed it to Claude a while back and she recently looked at it again and she said it looked like it was getting bigger too, so shes actually the one who called my dr to set me up with an appt, so i wen to see him plus of cours ei was getting my sezieures too, but i showed him and he took one look at it an dsaid yes we have to reemove it becaus ewe wan tot make sure its not cancer, and tat whole week i coulkdnt sleep, i couldnt eat, all i kept thinking was i mightbe dying and dont even know it, and as much asi try to not think about it it was still in the back of my mind. i dont kow i guess everything for me has just been catching up with me again i was alright for a loong while, i dot know maybe caus eof the whole Ale thing, i was stressinga nd getting myself sick, maybe it was just everything! but i felt so betrayed and so alone and i feltlike noone cared about me you know me i care too dam much what people think idont know why they dont give a fuck aboutme , butit really bothered me that i was goign through the sam ething as i went through with all the otherd am biatches agian and again, i cant help but think what am i doing wrong?. why do people hate me so much? so i did start seeing Scott again and hes helping me get through this its hard for me i take thigs too serious, i hate that about myslef why cant oi just not care! but after seeing Scottone day i went home and thought about it and hes right i should care about her why? when she dont give a shit about me! notonce did she ask how my vacatuon was? or say sorry for your loss, or even through allthe crap ive been going through say hey hope your ok, or hope things will be ok withyuou , i know she hears me and everything taht we talk about i hear everything she says when shes talking to her sancho o the phone, but i had to ealize the hard way, that people dont care about you, your rea friend swill ask how you are? or ask if yur ok, just to sh0w taht they care about you, and im tired of working so hard at these friendships with these people, whe we go home an dthe dya is doen they dont think about me, they dont care wether or not i feel sad. and it took me a long time to realize that but i finally see it now clearly. a friendship is like a relatonship, you give they give, and if the other person doesnt try and put there thogfhts and energy in it, than its not worth it, it just shows they dont care

Why does it seem like when you get older life gets harder, family, friends, things seem to change, and sometimes not for the better! I think as I get older and things change, it gets harder and harder for me to accept that things will never be the same. I miss my old friends and the things we used to do, I miss connecting with them on a level that not alot of people do, I miss not trying to have to work hard at impressing people, I dont want to do that anymore! I feel like its always me innitiating the friendships, always caring too much about what people think of me, or how they feel about me. why do I even fucken care? I dont know, maybe its because i grew up an only child, I always wanted people to like me, I guess thats why i care so much, my friends are the only famly that I have and it matters to me too much sometimes. i dont know maybe i need to move on, I feel like im living the same day over and over again like its ground hogs day. I need a change in my life I need to figure out what "I" want? what I want to happen in my future..... I know, I dont want to be here at this job forever, im tired of hearing about peoples drama! I sometimes think to myself and as much i love my husband and all, i think to myself im never going to have that connection with another person on that level and im not talking just about sex, noones ever going to fall in love with me or find out who I am, and i used to mention the newness has gone, but its not even that either, its me, noones ever gonna know the real me. I work with a guy and he's a realy nice person we can sit together and talk about whatever, how we are feeling that day or goal we want to achieve in life, or things that were interseted in, and i guess I just miss that, finding out new things about people, connecting on a higher level, having the same interests and joke about the same stupid things. and i guess we kinda do, i know that nothing between us could ever happen but i wish he could see me the way i want him too, i wish everyone would see me the way i want them too, but they wont!

So theres not much really going on in my life I guess nothing thats really interesting, beside the fact that me and Marco are having big problems, i dont know what to do anymore, and its like the most rediculous thing ever too, im even embarassed to admit that were having problems because of his stupid video games, but we are! ok so a while back he sold his XBox because he wasnt using it at all, he sold it to his brother, and than Rene starts playing this stupid fucken game and so Marco goes buy another XBox and lies to me telling me he rented it, and now he is like totally obsessed with it! im not talking just playing it here and there every once in a while, but im talking about having to play it every single day!! waking up at 3:00 in the fucking morning to play it! its been a fucken problem for some time now, see i dont care that its his dam hobby or that he plays every now and than but its come to the point were he is obsessed! i mean i was ready to walk out on him a few times already! the second time where it got really bad was two weeks ago, i got fed up because i had asked him to do something around the house and he didnt! he went and played his stupid game! i was so fucken pissed that i took his shit and hid it so he wouldnt play it! he got so pissed at me, didnt talk to me for a day and a half, until finally i talked to him, and knowing how dam pissed i was he had the nerve to ask if he could play it not even a day and a half later! he was trippin!!! he couldnt even wait! i would think he would be smart enough and say ok, she's upset i'll give her sometime, and let the whole thing blow over but NO! he couldnt even be away from it for a day! i dont understand this stupid obsession he has with it! and his brother will call all hours of the dam night and tell him to play! it just upsets me that he doesnt even think about i feel, its fine if he plays once in a while but its not even like that! so that Saturday i got so mad because he was arguing with me over it, and i gave him back his dam game and i told him "just know that you chose that game over me, and when you come back tonight i wont be here"! he had some stupid DJ job in Oakland that night and i thought alot about leaving that night thats how bad it was! and so he took it back, and before he left he wrote me this long letter saying how sorry he was and he wouldnt upset me like that again! and blah blah! and believe me i wanted to leave that night but i didnt have anywhere to go! where am i going to go? I dont have anybody! so i stayed and he came home and didnt say anything to me just went to bed. And so things did get better he didnt play for a couple of days and than we left to LA to visit Beto and yes the whole time he found some way to play with his video games there instead of talking to us, but i didnt say anything! see the whole thing that gets me is that, we'll have Bianca and Craig come over or we'll go somewhere and i'll be talking to them entertaining them and he falls alseep and im just there trying to explain that he's tired or whatever but if his brother will to call he will run at the oppertunity to play all dam night till like 3 in the morning, and he'll be awake for that! it just seems like he's changed! i swear he's not the same person he used to be, before he would bring me flowers, he didnt even do that for my birthday, he would always send them to me if i was having a bad day, or i was upset, or he would go out and buy me a card and say he was sorry and really mean it, before he would always want to hug me or kiss me, but now he hardly even touches me! i dont even remember the last time we had sex! its been weeks! hed rather stay up all night to play and than he'll go to sleep and not even want to touch me! and than i cant help thinking its because im fat! and ugly! and thats the other thing i feel like im never gonna be happy with myself, like im never going to accept the person that i am, or get passed everything that i went through! like things are never going to get better for me! i dont even want to ask God to help me, because i feel like ive completely given up on all hope i have for myself! i hate the person that i am! this horrible person that ive become! i look at myself in the mirror and i know ive probably said this alot of times before but, FUCK I HATE THE PERSON STARING BACK AT ME! i will never accept the person that ive become, or accept that i will never be anyone in this world! i feel like im always giving my all to my friends or whom ever and its never enough, i never even got the chance to ay what happened with me and my "roomate" i wont even go there! but fuck! when is my life going to get better, if its not money problems or whatever its this, i dont even know how more i can take! i feel like im falling apart again! i hate myself, and just everything! and everyone! and him right now! so last night we were watching TV and i tried to hug him and he just kind of brushes me off! and than starts saying isnt there anything else on? but giving me the hint that he wants me to leave! so he can play his dam video games, and so i do! I go in the room and he comes to bed late, and the whole time im by myself crying! about how much our relationship has changed. i dont understand things were so good, and now its like he doesnt even care! he yells at me like he never used too saying that i never let him do anything, and it makes me feel like im the most horrible worst wife ever! i swear i clean i do everything around the house, yeh he cooks thats all! and instead of going outside to mow the lawn or trim the trees to make the house look nice or fixing what he hasnt finished around the house, he thinks about his stupid fucking video games! this seems so stupid to me! but i swear its ruining or marriage its gone far more than it just being a stupid game! i feel like he doesnt love me the way he used too! like he's tired of me! and i give him his space and its till not enough, i dont know what to do????? its almost as if he has a drinking or drug problem or something! last night I wake up around 2:50 in the morning and notice he's not sleeping so i get up and look out the window to the living room and notice the lights on I walk over there and he's playing his stupid game at 3 or whatever in the dam morning!!!!! and I ask him why are you up so early? he gets hella pissed off starts yelling at me, "you never fucken let me do anything"! and throws his game, and im like i dont understand why you have to play like this! I dont understand why he is so obsessed that he has to wake up at fucken 3 in the dam morning to play?!! WHY? so I just go back to bed and dont say anything! i swear this fucken sucks! i dont know what to do, its like everyone thinks we have this totally cool relationship, but its not!!! he's changed! maybe ive changed i dont know! marriage is hard i know! but for something this stupid does it really have to be this way?????

Why do things have to be so dam complicated? it seems the older you get the harder things are, i swear i feel like its never going to get better, or maybe im just never going to be better! im tired of writing the same thing about how i feel i want to one day write something good! but i cant because nothing is never good! So im looking at old pictures of myself, of my friends and old times, and im thinking why cant things be the way they were before, and it sucks and hurts to know that they never will be! with my friendships, with my family, with myself! i'll never be the same. I always ask myself why I always have issues with friends and why they always hurt me? and i guess i just have to face that it has to be me, its like they drop like flies and all this time im blaming them, when it has to be me! I hate the person that I am! the person that is staring at me in the mirror! I could probably vanish from the face of the earth and noone would even care!

This morning as i was getting ready for work this one song comes on, its called "i don't wanna fall in love" its some 90's song, and I swear as I was listening to it, it reminded me of going to Stagg High School for Summer School, it was so wierd, I almost felt as if I was young again, I remember the smell of the early morning air, I remember the cold breeze on my body, inside of the bus, I remember seeing and talking to my friends, Felicia...Willert...and of course Conrad...its amazing how time can fly by so fast, when your young days seem like weeks, weeks seem like months, months seem like years....and when your older weeks go by like days, your life seems to flash by with a simple blink of an eye. Its actually scary knowing and realizing that your life gets shorter and shorter everyday! I wish for just one day I could back to those days, of course with the knowledge that I have now, when your young things don't matter the same, responsibility was not even a word in my vocabulary! im still till this day learning what it is to be responsible its so hard when you get older. the decisins you have to make, money, marriage, children, family! all you think about when your young is...am I going to see my crush today? does he like me too? boys boys boys thats another story. I was taking a look at my old photo albums that I have teh other day, and boy did i look so young! you never notice until you look back, I was just a kid with no worries. all the things I took for granted! my friends! my family! my life! I think i'll always be haunted by the things I did in the past, the mistakes ive made, but you know what you live and you learn, thats what life is all about dont you think? you make mistakes and you learn from them! I know ive made alot of mistakes in my lifetime but I probaly wouldnt know what I know now if I wouldnt have made them, just the other day my friends and I were talking about what it would be liek if we were single again, and one friend said to em she would never date or fall in love again because she;s too afarid of getting hurt! I dont understand, why you would want to live like that, how are you ever going to experience life or love without getting hurt, thats the risk you take, to me life is all about risks, you'll never know until you try! I cant imagine anyone wanting to live a life alone. ou loe you live you learn! "To feel pain is to know your alive"!!!! Love is such a powerful thing some people sadly enough probaby will never find it because there so afraid of it. I know its hard, I never in a million years thougt I would fid true love but, im a true believer that there is someone out there for everyone! I used to work in the mall a long time ago, and I used to love to watch people passing by, all kinds of different peole short people, tall people, fat, skinny and I used to think to myself, "I wonder what there life is like"? I used to wonder if they were happy or if they had someone they loved? and I would see like the most oddest couple, and I would tell myself I really do believe there is someone out there for everyone! but the hard part is finding them! I know I probably talk alot about taking risks, but the things ive been through in my life, made me realize that life can ge gone just like that! all the things ive experienced made me learn more about life, and I know that its hard, I still have days where I wish that I wouldnt be here anymore! days were life can suck so much that you dont care what happens to you! whether you live or die! I know whats its like ive been there front and back! but HOPE is what keeps me going, HOPE that oneday thigs will be good again, HOPE for my future to be good! HOPE that my health will be good, HOPE for a family one day!

I swear I just don't understand girls anymore, im begining to hate them, I am begining to hate my friends, i mean of course not all of them but just the girls I swear they just have too many dam issues, at work now its Ale, she sits right by me. When Jessie left it all changed becasue see she was the the real crazy one, she made us laugh all day..and my friend she’s not very social with anyone she’s really quite. So when my other friend left she changed and now she hardly talks to me, she keeps saying “im going into my box again” meaning she’s going to keep to herself, well I don’t know its been very uncomfortable, I know she’s going through something, she doesn’t love her husband anymore she’s unhappy in her marriage, blah blah, she’s just depressed all the time and I know that, but its like she wont let anyone in, its like when I come to work I don’t know what kind of mood she’s going to be in, if she’s going to be pissed again, if she’s sad, its like she’ll only talk to me when she feels like, so she hasn’t talked to me in about a week or so but yet she’ll talk to Caludia in Spanish so I wont understand? I sit right by her and I feel so uncomfortable, I don’t know, it bothers me because im the one that’s always kissing my friends asses, when its them, I tired of being the nice guy, and on my way home yesterday I was thinking about it, and I was like I don’t even really know why were friends, we don’t hang out on the weekends, she don’t call me, we don’t have the same things in common, were actually total opposites, im just not going to be the nice guy anymore, I don’t know why she’s not talking to me, but im to the point to where im like “if I have to give more effort in my friendships, than they do, its not worth it” if it's not one friend it's another, I dont know maybe it's me? am I the bad friend, im always letting my friends run all over me, and take advantage of me, and im just not going to do that anymore!

So lets see whats been going on in my life hmmm.. not much I guess, ive been feeling alot better thats for sure though, me and my husband are planning on having a baby pretty soon, gosh I cant believe im actually saying that how scary! yeh im scared but im actually ready, weird huh? but ive been trying to eat right and exercise, I even lost 10 pounds woo hoo! im even trying to lay off the pills from now on, I havnet been taking my depression pills as much and i feel good actually, at first yeh it was kinda wierd I felt emotional, I cried for any little thing but I feel cool, not as bad as i thought i would feel. I want to be prepared for when I do get pregnant my body will be used to it. Im going to be 30 this year and its so wierd I find myself not wanting to do the things i did before like I dont feel like drinking like I used too, even for New Years which kinda sucked, I wasnt even feeling it, I didnt really want to go out and party like I usually do I didnt even drink I had like one drink and thats it. We even ended up leaving early from the bar. I dont know my life has changed so much over the years its wierd when you get older you start to see things differently i never thought id be where I am right now, things change people change, can you believe even Jessie is not here no more she got another job, she's actually not moving too far she'll be in the other building, but still you get so used to being around one person, when there gone it now feels so lonely over here, Ale she isnt big on talking you now how she is really quite, and Claude she's always been in her own little world. And GLo well our friednship has grown totally apart we dont hang out as much, like we used too, i mean dang we used to hang out every weekend, go to dinner he would spend the night sometimes now our friendship is only lunches and to and from work rides...he just had a birthday and he spent it with is family ok, that was wierd, we usually plan to go to the city or Sacramento, i dont know personally i think he's grown tired of me, all the times we fight and stuff, I dont think I could even go on another trip with him its just too wierd, oh well im learning that peole just dont care anymore, the only peole that are important in my life is my husband, and my family. Not even me and Lyndall are close anymore, it was real cool when she first moved in, we hung out went swimming, talked about personal stuff, and now she dont even hardly go to lunch with us anymore, not after the big incident with us when she went off on me, and i had t ignore her in my own house for about a week....that really sucked but im so tire dof people taking advantage of me, and staright up thats what she did, Take advantage of me! oh well who needs friends right, all there going do is end up stabbing you in the back or something! I dont know but Jessie it was dofferent, we connected on some crazy way, we were both crazy I guess, andnow that she's not here well i feel like looking for another job. I dont get paid shit here first of all, my friends are all acting wierd, its just not the same anymore, I cant count on anyone anymore, just myself. I dont know life is so dam complicated, and me dealing with change, i dont do so well! why do things have to change it sucks, why do people change? maybe I need to change? maybe its time I start looking out for myself and not worry about other people, or what they think about me...When are we really happy anyways? I cant even really remember the last time things were going so well, its like one thing happens, and than another. We dont even have any money right now. it seems were living check to check, before we were doing well, we had extra money to spend, when we wanted to go places or buy things, now we dont! and it sucks I feel like everything was just tooken from me, and i'll never get that money back, I had plans for my future, I wanted to build my own home, and have a baby soon with the money we had. Its so scary life, I see all these young woman every day come in here to work with like 5 kids and making only $1100.00 a month its crazy I dont kow how they do it. I give them some serious Kudos, and there single parents I would die If i had to do it on my own. I guess were alot stronger than we think we are. I just want to be happy is that so much to ask for? so its a New Year and im going to be 30, i swear I never thought id be this old, I still think my life is destined to be cut short. I just cant see myself getting old. But the days keep going by and me im not getting an younger, I think its time for me to make a serious change in my life, its just i dont know where to go from here? .......

ok so ive been feeling a little bummed over the past few days i couldnt figure out why, besides the fact that im feeling old and fat and ugly! something just has been bugging me, and i realized im going through an early mid life crisis, im going to be thirty, im planning on having a baby and a family soon, and im so scared! everything i have done and planned for is for my future and now that its here, but im starting to freak out a little bit, i feel selfish, i think about married life and think "im never going to be with anyone else" or "im never going to be able to do the things i used to do" i know thats bad but its hard being married and getting older, your life so drasticaly changes. You become an adult. i still feel like a kid, and i know that im going to have to grow up eventually but you know what , im ready i can say that im finally ready in my life to settle down, ive done so many things in my life, and i guess its about time i stop being selfish and grow up. i cant wait to teach my child all the things ive learned i life, tell them stories about how ive lived and learned, teach them to love one another and not judge people. theres so many things i want to teach them, i want to be ble to give them the things i didnt have when i was young. i know my child is going to be so spioled and so much loved. its just scary but i know ill be ok i know me and Mark will be ok..it'll be a new life for us and im truley looking forward to it...

i look at myself and all i see is imperfections, i see a little freckle on my lip, my husband loves it i hate it i see it as a big flaw, all the bad things ive done in my life makes me the ugliest person. i see a wrinkle in the top left corner of my eye its another imperfection on my face, i see a sad person when i look in the mirror, a person who hates who she is, a pesron who wants to be loved by everyone in this world but cant stand to look at herself in the mirror, how could that be when she dont even care about her body or what she does to it or puts in it, how could i be loved by the world when i dont want to change, i dont want to change, i hate change! i want things to be they were before all this mess happened. i want to love again and be loved again. the newness is almost gone that first kiss, those butterflies in my stomach.... that smile!.... what am i saying..im so selfish i have a silver spoon in my hand how can i be so selfish! i want to be beautiful! i want him to think im beautiful! not just because! i want to be sexy! I want him to think im sexy! how could i be so selfish! wheres that smile? wheres that laugh i so often hear? why are there nothing but tears? why does my heart feel like it just got crushed? i want him to look at me and see what i want him to see..me..inside of me..more than just a goofy smile or a crazy laugh..or a dirty mind! SEE ME!!! DO YOU? i hope its not what i see........

"Hey Lover"

I've been watchin' you from afar,
for as long as I can remmeber
You are all a real man can need
and ever ask for
this is love
this is more than a crush

It was all ....(up at Rutgers)
I saw with your man
smiling, huh, a coach bag in your hand
I was laying in the coup with my hat turned back
we caught eyes for a moment, and that was that
so skated off, as you strolled off
looking at them legs, god damn they looked so soft (so fine)
I gotta take ya from your man that's my mision
If his love is real he got ta handle competition
you only knew about 5 months (that's right)
besides he drinks too much and smokes too many blunts
and I've been working out everyday thinking bout you
looking at my own eyes in the rear view
cathchin flash backs of our eye contact
wish i could lay ya on your stomach and caress your back
i would hold ya in my arms and ease your fears
I can't believe it, I hadn't had a crush in years

[2x] hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
Lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush

I see you at the bus stop waitin everyday
your man must think its safe for you to travel that way
but i don't want ta violate your relationship
so i lay back in the cut with a crush that'a trip
still he can't stop me from having day dreams
tounging you down with huh vanilla ice cream
kissing on your thighs in the moonlight
searching your body with my tounge girl all night
I wonder one day could it be, simple dreams turnin into reality
Our love would come down so naturally
we would walk down the isle of destiny
what your man got his hustle on gotcha type scared
break ya off a little chump change to do your hair
that seems to be enough to satisfy your needs
but there's a deeper level if you just follow my lead
Hey lover

Last week I saw ya at the mall
standing at the pay phone bout to make a call
I had a vision it was me on the other end
telling you come by and then you walked in
I touched you gently with my hands
we talked about traveling the distant lands
escaping all the madness out here in the world
becomin my wife no longer my girl
then, you let your dress fall down to the floor
i kissed you softly and you yearned for more
we experienced pleasure unparallel
into an ocean of love we both fell
swimming in the timeless, currents of pure bliss
fantasies interchanging with each kiss
undying passion unities our souls
togehter we swim until the point of no control
but its a fantasy it(that,you) won't come true
we never even spoke and your man (still) love you
so I'm gonna keep all these feelins inside
keep my dreams alive until the right time

"Justify My Love Lyrics"


I wanna kiss you in Paris
I wanna hold your hand in Rome
I wanna run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country
You put this in me
So now what, so now what?

Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love

Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love

I want to know you
Not like that
I don't wanna be your mother
I don't wanna be your sister either
I just wanna be your lover
I wanna be your baby
Kiss me, that's right, kiss me

Yearning, burning
For you to justify my love

What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Talk to me -- tell me your dreams
Am I in them?
Tell me your fears
Are you scared?
Tell me your stories
I'm not afraid of who you are
We can fly!

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
I'm open and ready
For you to justify my love
To justify my love
Wanting, to justify
Waiting, to justify my love
Praying, to justify
To justify my love
I'm open, to justify my love


These songs they bring back alot of memories.......