So lets see whats been going on in my life hmmm.. not much I guess, ive been feeling alot better thats for sure though, me and my husband are planning on having a baby pretty soon, gosh I cant believe im actually saying that how scary! yeh im scared but im actually ready, weird huh? but ive been trying to eat right and exercise, I even lost 10 pounds woo hoo! im even trying to lay off the pills from now on, I havnet been taking my depression pills as much and i feel good actually, at first yeh it was kinda wierd I felt emotional, I cried for any little thing but I feel cool, not as bad as i thought i would feel. I want to be prepared for when I do get pregnant my body will be used to it. Im going to be 30 this year and its so wierd I find myself not wanting to do the things i did before like I dont feel like drinking like I used too, even for New Years which kinda sucked, I wasnt even feeling it, I didnt really want to go out and party like I usually do I didnt even drink I had like one drink and thats it. We even ended up leaving early from the bar. I dont know my life has changed so much over the years its wierd when you get older you start to see things differently i never thought id be where I am right now, things change people change, can you believe even Jessie is not here no more she got another job, she's actually not moving too far she'll be in the other building, but still you get so used to being around one person, when there gone it now feels so lonely over here, Ale she isnt big on talking you now how she is really quite, and Claude she's always been in her own little world. And GLo well our friednship has grown totally apart we dont hang out as much, like we used too, i mean dang we used to hang out every weekend, go to dinner he would spend the night sometimes now our friendship is only lunches and to and from work rides...he just had a birthday and he spent it with is family ok, that was wierd, we usually plan to go to the city or Sacramento, i dont know personally i think he's grown tired of me, all the times we fight and stuff, I dont think I could even go on another trip with him its just too wierd, oh well im learning that peole just dont care anymore, the only peole that are important in my life is my husband, and my family. Not even me and Lyndall are close anymore, it was real cool when she first moved in, we hung out went swimming, talked about personal stuff, and now she dont even hardly go to lunch with us anymore, not after the big incident with us when she went off on me, and i had t ignore her in my own house for about a week....that really sucked but im so tire dof people taking advantage of me, and staright up thats what she did, Take advantage of me! oh well who needs friends right, all there going do is end up stabbing you in the back or something! I dont know but Jessie it was dofferent, we connected on some crazy way, we were both crazy I guess, andnow that she's not here well i feel like looking for another job. I dont get paid shit here first of all, my friends are all acting wierd, its just not the same anymore, I cant count on anyone anymore, just myself. I dont know life is so dam complicated, and me dealing with change, i dont do so well! why do things have to change it sucks, why do people change? maybe I need to change? maybe its time I start looking out for myself and not worry about other people, or what they think about me...When are we really happy anyways? I cant even really remember the last time things were going so well, its like one thing happens, and than another. We dont even have any money right now. it seems were living check to check, before we were doing well, we had extra money to spend, when we wanted to go places or buy things, now we dont! and it sucks I feel like everything was just tooken from me, and i'll never get that money back, I had plans for my future, I wanted to build my own home, and have a baby soon with the money we had. Its so scary life, I see all these young woman every day come in here to work with like 5 kids and making only $1100.00 a month its crazy I dont kow how they do it. I give them some serious Kudos, and there single parents I would die If i had to do it on my own. I guess were alot stronger than we think we are. I just want to be happy is that so much to ask for? so its a New Year and im going to be 30, i swear I never thought id be this old, I still think my life is destined to be cut short. I just cant see myself getting old. But the days keep going by and me im not getting an younger, I think its time for me to make a serious change in my life, its just i dont know where to go from here? .......