IM SO SADDDDDDD!!!!! WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS END UP LEAVING ME? WELL MY GAY FRIENDS THAT IS?! BETO, ADRIAN NOW GEORGE HE WANTS TO MOVE TO SEATTLE I KNOW HE'LL DO GOOD OVER THERE AND MAKE FIRENDS AND BLAH BLAH MAYBE HE'LL EVEN MEET SOMEONE OVER THERE MAYBE THATS JUST WHAT HE NEEDS BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO SAD? I FEEL LIKE ALL MY FRIENDS ALWYAS LEAVE ME I KNOW THEY HAVE TO MOVE ON WITH THERE LIVES AND GO ON, BUT I FEEL SO SELFISH I WANT THEM TO STAY BE HERE WITH ME! I KNOW I HAVE TO LET THEM GO ON BUT I FEEL SO LONELY WITHOUT THEM, I KNOW I'LL GET OVER IT BUT IT WONT BE THE SAME DURING LUNCH OR BREAKS OR JUST IN GENERAL. I HAVE SABRINA AND JOAQUIN AND BIANCA BUT THEY DONT WORK WITH ME AND IT WONT BE THE SAME. I REALLY HOPE HE DOESNT GO. I CURSE HIM HHAHA I KNOW IM TRIPPIN.

another friday seems like im saying the same thing all the time but its friday thank god i got through this horrible week, first i get in trouble for having too many leave without pays, i dont know what im going to do about my trip hopefully i'll have enough hours by than, because poor Beto allready paid, oh well im just going to have to be here from now on, no more missing days, or else im fucked! and than i dont even want to think about the plane trip over there, its going to be so fricken long oh well i have my sleeping pills I can just sleep all the way there i hope. oh yeh and than i get hit by a car, ok so i lied i actually hit a car i ran into it i felt stupid telling everyone that i hit a car so i lied and i know Mark would kill me but im fien my cars a little dinged but allright. well i dont know what were doing this weekend probably go to the movies tonight me, mark, George and bianca weve been hanging out together lately, i wonder what Cam would say if she new the thhings we do? hmmm i dont care. They actually had a barbque at my aunt house last sunday we were going to go but i felt wierd cuz what if they were going to be there im not ready to deal with them, not trying to be mean but im not going to give in until she does. she needs to learn to be nice, and appreciative of the people who care about her. oh well right. ok time to work i gotta go through all my files today...

happy friday! so its been a while since ive writteen anything, things are going actually ok, for once its been a long time since ive felt shitty i guess you can say its a good thing right, sometimes i feel nothing! i dont know things are cool we just bought a brand new truck ford f150 Marks been wanting one for so long so i said ok and im working now so its cool for now. i just actually got back from Vegas too that was a disaster na but it was like the Griswalds go to Vegas but worse noone wanted to do anything i mean party like were used to doing i even fell asleep in a
99$ show i was like what a waste!oh well right and than we had turbulance all the way back so i was of course freaking out and to top it off i had to sit by myself Mark was in back of me. Im just glad to be off that stupid plane!!!! well things at work are cool ive began to finally get the hang of things today i didnt take anything so im feeling tired but its ok i only got 2 files to do during the day and call like 2 people back but its too early. Me and Bianca have ben good friends lately her and Craig even went to L3 with us WOE! what that an experience... people just doing it everywhere it was very erotic! like a live porn show. Were crazy i know. shit they all even want to go back. and no i havent spoken to CAm oh well they didnt even go see me when i was in the hospitol. little does she know why i was in there. But hey ive moved on. well not much else is going on Nikkis telling me that Leslie is having drug problems i feel so bad for her i dont know what to do for her, i guess nothing until she actually wants to stop or see whats really going on noone can help her. well i got the internet today at work this is why im writing i never have time anymore but its friday ive got the internet i dont know how maybe its because i talk to Raul hey thanks Raul! now i can mess around and look like im really working shhhhhh!!!!!
oh yeh these are my friends did i mention its glad to be back at weber....

July 21, 05
Well lets see things started to fall apart on me again I started to go through that funk again big time I almost tried to kill myself again yes! It all started when me and Cam got in a big fight at grandpas birthday party they stayed over and kicked it with us for a while even Bianca was there, they even talked for a while which was my plan to get then together again but I was drinking like usual and I don’t even remember how it all began but we were all talking and I said one thing and there it went I started crying saying why do you act like this? I even called her a bitch, and said that’s why nobody likes you cuz you act like a bitch and than Fed comes out of nowhere saying Im getting tired of you guys always assuming that im gay like what? I was like that’s not even what im talking about I never even brought that up when Cammille already admitted that she knows her husbands gay and that she’s going to live with it. I don’t know what happened but we just were arguing I sat there on my knees crying to her she didn’t even do shit she just sat there like nothing like ice cold!!! I don’t know what to do I feel like ive done everything to keep our relationship together and she doesn’t give back nothing shes so cold! I cant keep caring so much and trying so hard anymore I feel iv giving up on them I don’t even want her in my life right now I know now how Bianca feels she gives her all and nothing in return! And for them to be best friends all the time and for her to say I don’t have any time for her and her troubles, I can imagine what she says about me they already think im fucken crazy and a drug addict! Whatever I cant take them anymore so ive cut them outta my life for now no more trying to be friends and pushing myself on them. I know she can care less and the sad part about it is that she probably don’t even care or even think about me. For God sake I was down on my knees crying out loud to her and nothing! Oh well right! so ive learned i cant change anyone no matter how hard you try, that next couple of nights I tried to OD I took every medicine I had I still woke up, got in my car to go work and what happens i lose control and crash into a pole, thank god there was someone there to help me, I was sent to the hospital for 3 days because my intoxication level was so high with medication they wanted to send me to the institute again but I was like no way. Even though at the time I should’ve probably went. But i didnt i know i was stupid the sad thing about it is that noone really knows the truth....why i was in there so long.