February 26, 04
Well as you already know we’ve been looking for a house we saw one on Sunday that we liked but there were 3 other houses that we wanted to see before we decided on doing anything, the first one which ive been wanting to see is on Yale just on the other side of the victory park, beautiful house I fell in love with it but its only 2 bedrooms, it has a formal dining room 2 bathrooms which was my main concern, and it has a family room and a yard, I figured I might as well buy something I really love instead of buying something cheap, well last night Nancy came over and we put a bid on it, so well find out on Friday what the deal is, im praying because I really love it!
Well besides all that we went to dinner for Feds birthday on Tuesday and I finally found out what the drama was with uncle Gabe, so see my uncle a unfit father whose never been there for his kids, he was an alcoholic for years, been married to 3 woman, I swear he used to live with us and he would lie to my grandparents using me as an excuse saying that I wanted to go the video store and he would leave me there for hours and go to the bar. Well so he’s married to his 3rd wife im happy for him because he don’t drink anymore, and is finally do good but I found out that him and his wife are trippin because there not getting my moms house too, everybody already knows that my grandparents are giving him there house which we don’t care fine do that, but he’s trying to say he put a lot of work into the house and it should belong to him, Whatever! First of all there my parents we do everything for them were the only ones that visit them take them to the store when they want to go, take them to cash there checks! We do it all and I want the house so we can take of them not for the money! But because I know im going to have to do it all anyways! So his wife was tripping saying we have our own house already, and why doesn’t my grandma like her and blah blah! They just need to stay out of it. It just pisses me off that they expect all this but they don’t care about them right now, they never visit them like we do and I do it because I love the to death because my time with them is precious to me. So that’s my drama we just never win and im scared if we do get that house that there will be nothing but haters! I feel it already, oh well I just need to do what’s right for e and my family everyone else fuck em!

February 24, 04
Gosh so much going on, I don’t know where to start again, Im so mad because I had wrote a whole thing yesterday but my stupid computer froze and I lost it, so here I am again. Well lets see we haven’t really been going out much were trying to save money because well as you know we’ve been looking for a house, Sunday we went to go see this one that was barely listed and we liked it so today were actually going to go put an offer on it later, its cute the lady whose selling it is really old so I don’t think she knows just how much she actually could be selling it for, its 252k really under priced we’ve been looking at 280k, 290k for a fairly big house, so I think this is a good deal and it had everything that I want, so were going to do it and I thought maybe we can even fix it up a little and sell it later for more and have more money to put down on my dream house, well that’s my goal in life to have my dream house since ill never move or be famous! So well see how it goes later. Anyways this weekend we didn’t do much we rented this movie on Saturday I watched it while Mark slept of course, it was called “Thirteen” it was about these 2 young girls 13 years old getting into trouble, drugs, sex, lying you know….and as I watched this movie I started to cry, I saw myself as if it were my story everything she did, I did too! I see them and they look so young like children and im thinking shit I was the exact same age, when your young things seem so different you feel so invincible like nothing can happen to you! And so I started to fell sick like I was going to pass out, I felt young again, like I had went back in time, crazy huh! It was strange as If I can feel the same feelings I did back than. Life is scary sometimes you make mistakes, do stupid things but were all not perfect! So we learn! Its funny I kinda feel like the parent now I can now imagine all the shit I put my grandparents through and I feel so bad! I don’t know if I can be a mom it’s so hard! Well with all my family drama now I feel like a mom! Well heres the story 1st of all my whole family are alcoholics, and yes even my 83 year old sweat grandma, so my 30 year old cousin has been staying at there house free loading, taking advantage of them and my grandma is old shes the old fashion lady that does everything cooks 3 meal a day cleans constantly you know so she’s older and tired of doing all this shit for him he’s 30 years old lazy doesn’t work, gets a check every month from a social worker because ok I feel bad for him because yes he was in foster homes all his life, no he didn’t have a regular family but hey I didn’t eighther. I know a lot of people that had a hard life but that’s no excuse he stays there has like 5 kids from different girls, is lazy, he steals! And my grandpa believes every lie he tells him. So I guess my grandma got upset went out and got a bottle and got drunk fell on her face because she cant see, is all bruised up, I feel so bad she started crying to me because she feels so depressed! I tell her all the time ill take her in, but she wont listen, I feel like the parent now telling her not to do these things. I love her to death and don’t want to se anything happen to her of course! So supposingly he’s gone now, but if I know him it won’t be long. I just feel so bad like I want to do more for them now give them things back, take care of them, there my life I can’t imagine life without them it scares me everyday knowing that they wont be around forever, almost makes me want to go before them. Well hopefully things will be ok. If its not one thing its another.
So now that were getting our 2nd house I know well start feeling the weirdness from everyone im already feeling it from his brother we when people try to do good for themselves there’s always people that will try to put you down like George Lopes says now “now you think your chingon” haha but its true nobody can be happy for people that are going good even I do it sometimes, but this time I don’t care im going to do it for myself and my family, fuck everyone else! When we first moved into our house no one came and helped us me Mark did everything ourselves and im sure it’ll be the same way again, we’ll see I guess. So that’s my drama…….

I had this weird dream yesterday, I dreamt that I was drowning I can remember jumping into this pool and actually feeling the water succumb me, I can remember just laying at the bottom of the pool waiting for someone to jump in and save me, there were these people standing on the side of the pool doing nothing, after a few minutes they finally jumped in and saved me, so I looked this up in my new dream book Juana gave me and it said that I was drowning of emotional sorrow, yeh I guess im feeling like I cant breathe sometimes its just at work now that we have “Marion “ back, so to speak, its like were all in a fucken prison and you know who we have to blame for that! They might as well chain us to our desks its that bad! well im applying for another job at Delta College doing the same thing just the pay is like 3 times more than what here, I think its time for a change, im never going to get anywhere else here, anyways and I don’t think were ever going to get raises there’s never ever any funding and shit! So well see what happens, anyways I was talking to my friend about my dream I had and she told me something strange, she said “you have a feeling that your going to die young huh?” which is strange, because I do! So Im going to say it, I never like to say it because people will probably think im crazy but here it goes, and my husband gets mad when I say stuff like this, well ever since I was young ive always had this feeling like im going to die young, first of all my mother wasn’t even supposed to have kids, so I wasn’t even supposed to be born, 2nd I had this dream about my past life, I remember everything what I looked like, where I lived, what my house looked like, what my boyfriend looked like,(his name was Edward) I remember being on drugs, and drowning, and remembering what it actually felt like to die, (which is strange because I cant swim, and im afraid of the water) well besides all this ive always had this feeling of 27, for the longest time, scary but last year I swear I kept seeing the numbers 1234 on the clock when I would just happen to look, or phone numbers, anywhere it was like so coincidence I know it sounds crazy, I hope im wrong but its something I feel strong about! I used to work at a women’s facility and one night I had this dream that the grim reaper came to me and told me I was going to die, that morning I kept thinking about it, freaked out! And see it used to be and this other girl whoever got to work earlier went to the post office to pick up the mail and she was always there before me! But that day I got there before she did, so I decided to go and I swear, we worked out in the boonies were there were no cars so I was driving this big truck and I was driving kind of fast because I didn’t see any cars in front of me but the next thing I new im breaking hard because all of a sudden this car comes out of nowhere right in front of me, breaks i break as hard as i could i hit him from behind and I go flying in the field, flew in the back seat because I didn’t have my seat belt on, the key gets jammed in the ignition so I had to jump up an pull the emergency break! Well I remember laying there crying my eyes out thinking to myself I was supposed to die! “im final destination!” so crazy but ever since than yeh im traumatized and I feel like im final destination! Why are we all so afraid to die, we know its going ot one day happen! why is eath such a touchy subject? im not afraid of dying so much what scares me is, what if I dont see my ove dones again? will we remember eachother in the after life?Well as crazy as it sounds I guess ill just have to wait and see what happens, so if im right you’ll see I wasn’t crazy!!!!! so until than.......

Last night Amy came by and we finally got to sign the documents to get started on our second house im so proud of myself for being a fuck up when I was young I guess im not doing too bad for myself! I guess I can owe it all to my husband, he helped with a lot! I got my first bill on my house yesterday, and it came out to 445.00 woe can you believe that, that means we can go out and get whatever house we want if were going to be renting out our house. Im so excited! I was afraid we weren’t going to afford it and blah blah but Things are going good. Hopefully they’ll stay that way, as far as San Fran that’s out, I want so much to move there but, Mark keeps giving me hints on how he wants to start a family soon he wont admit it but, I know he’s ready. And if that’s what he wants maybe it is time! Well Amy and her fiancé, which is Nancy’s son,(our realtor) seem really nice, she loved my house she kept complimenting me on it. She was nice we were talking about weddings and being married, and that got me thinking on another thing, I always told mark that if I die to publish all my journals so everyone can see what its like to be me crazy huh! so I decided to start writing a little different you’ll see, well we were talking about how the first year of marriage is the hardest and I didn’t really see it that way, our first year of marriage was wonderful the best so far, we went out all the time back and forth to San Francisco partying together having a blast going on vacations, going to LA. It was great not to say that its not great anymore because is still is, we just don’t go out that much anymore, I think we’ve learned from a lot of mistakes we’ve made in the past and started to slow down on stupid things we used to do, but everyday with him is great, he’s a wonderful person I cant imagine myself being with anyone else, he makes me smile, laugh, cry, everyday is a new experience with him. Marriage is hard I cant deny that, but when you find the right person it makes everything worth while, when we first got married it was hard for me because I grew up with my grandparents and my grandmother would do everything for me, I was a spoiled brat! I didn’t know how to wash clothes, clean, and I still don’t know how to cook, so we take on different chores, he cooks I do everything else. Well from going to being pampered and doing shit, to having a mortgage and bills was the hard part, the whole relationship part was easy. It still feels new. Relationships are hard, you got to really work at them, you give and they give and you support each other, don’t be jealous, be open minded, and everything else will fall into place, we have a strong relationship because we care about each others feelings, we don’t do things that we know will upset the other person. I see of my friends relationships and they can’t even fart in front of each other. Being in a good relationship is not being afraid to share. That’s a stupid example but if you can’t do that than what can you do? When I was in high school I used to go out with this guy, we had a very bad relationship, mentally and physically abusive; I literally had to think about what I was going to say because I said something to make him mad he would get all crazy, and go off on me! But when you’re young you don’t really know what love is and to me that’s what I though love was. It’s sad when I see friends or young girls in relationships like that I know what its like, its almost like a drug you know its bad for you but you still do it! And its hard to tell them anything because they don’t want to hear it, they wont see it, until they want to see it. Like I did! But hey I learned we all make mistakes and instead of dwelling over the past, I can say now its made me the person I am now.