February 24, 04
Gosh so much going on, I don’t know where to start again, Im so mad because I had wrote a whole thing yesterday but my stupid computer froze and I lost it, so here I am again. Well lets see we haven’t really been going out much were trying to save money because well as you know we’ve been looking for a house, Sunday we went to go see this one that was barely listed and we liked it so today were actually going to go put an offer on it later, its cute the lady whose selling it is really old so I don’t think she knows just how much she actually could be selling it for, its 252k really under priced we’ve been looking at 280k, 290k for a fairly big house, so I think this is a good deal and it had everything that I want, so were going to do it and I thought maybe we can even fix it up a little and sell it later for more and have more money to put down on my dream house, well that’s my goal in life to have my dream house since ill never move or be famous! So well see how it goes later. Anyways this weekend we didn’t do much we rented this movie on Saturday I watched it while Mark slept of course, it was called “Thirteen” it was about these 2 young girls 13 years old getting into trouble, drugs, sex, lying you know….and as I watched this movie I started to cry, I saw myself as if it were my story everything she did, I did too! I see them and they look so young like children and im thinking shit I was the exact same age, when your young things seem so different you feel so invincible like nothing can happen to you! And so I started to fell sick like I was going to pass out, I felt young again, like I had went back in time, crazy huh! It was strange as If I can feel the same feelings I did back than. Life is scary sometimes you make mistakes, do stupid things but were all not perfect! So we learn! Its funny I kinda feel like the parent now I can now imagine all the shit I put my grandparents through and I feel so bad! I don’t know if I can be a mom it’s so hard! Well with all my family drama now I feel like a mom! Well heres the story 1st of all my whole family are alcoholics, and yes even my 83 year old sweat grandma, so my 30 year old cousin has been staying at there house free loading, taking advantage of them and my grandma is old shes the old fashion lady that does everything cooks 3 meal a day cleans constantly you know so she’s older and tired of doing all this shit for him he’s 30 years old lazy doesn’t work, gets a check every month from a social worker because ok I feel bad for him because yes he was in foster homes all his life, no he didn’t have a regular family but hey I didn’t eighther. I know a lot of people that had a hard life but that’s no excuse he stays there has like 5 kids from different girls, is lazy, he steals! And my grandpa believes every lie he tells him. So I guess my grandma got upset went out and got a bottle and got drunk fell on her face because she cant see, is all bruised up, I feel so bad she started crying to me because she feels so depressed! I tell her all the time ill take her in, but she wont listen, I feel like the parent now telling her not to do these things. I love her to death and don’t want to se anything happen to her of course! So supposingly he’s gone now, but if I know him it won’t be long. I just feel so bad like I want to do more for them now give them things back, take care of them, there my life I can’t imagine life without them it scares me everyday knowing that they wont be around forever, almost makes me want to go before them. Well hopefully things will be ok. If its not one thing its another.
So now that were getting our 2nd house I know well start feeling the weirdness from everyone im already feeling it from his brother we when people try to do good for themselves there’s always people that will try to put you down like George Lopes says now “now you think your chingon” haha but its true nobody can be happy for people that are going good even I do it sometimes, but this time I don’t care im going to do it for myself and my family, fuck everyone else! When we first moved into our house no one came and helped us me Mark did everything ourselves and im sure it’ll be the same way again, we’ll see I guess. So that’s my drama…….