STAIND
"It's Been A While"

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

Happy New Year 2006, its around the corner I cant believe it, it will be done and gone before i know it, so were going to San Francisco not hang out with Adrian he's to cool for us, so me Mark, Lyndall and George are going to just go and kick it maybe go to the end up id ont know there suposed to have an New Year party so we'll see. So Christmas was pretty boring the guys played poker all dam night while we had to watch Sabado Gigante which I coudnt understand a dam thing. so it was pretty boring! the food wasnt that great eighther there was nothing but hordouvs so I was starving by the end of the night! we opened our gifts at 12:00 I got a TV from my father in law Marco got a Little CD player so we went to Best Buy and exchanged it Mark got a Ipod Nano while I got 30 bucks left from it oohh...So Christmas at my aunts house was allright kinda boring we found out that AnnaMarie is getting married thats pretty cool im happy for her, my aunt MaryAnn was so excited!!!!!!!I was happy for them. Well I just hope that this year will be better than last year, i had such a hard time and had to go through so much, i dont think i could take it again, I still get scared that it will come back again I dont ever want to feel that way again, so hopefully this year will be better I guess i'll just have to wait and see.........

December 22, 05
Man its been a while since ive written anything I guess because not much has been actually going on, lets see we haven’t really went out in a while, we haven’t been really even been hanging out with Joaquin and Sabrina. I don’t know ever since the “incident” things have been kinda weird Joaquin doesn’t talk to me like he used to, he gets so scared to even be by me, he won’t even say a word to me really, like Sabrina’s going to kill him or something! I don’t know its makes me feel uncomfortable and I know he probably feels the same way, hell can you imagine if we were to all have done something? I don’t think It would even be the same between us. I guess it’s a good thing that nothing happened! Oh Well anyways I cant believe its going to be Christmas already, only 3 more days im so not even ready for it, I swear this whole year flew by so fast I cant even remember what I did this past year, its like a big blur to me, im just glad last year and this year will be gone, the worst years of my life…so ive been feeling sick these past couple days, and while I was laying in bed I kept thinking to myself about all the bad things I went through these past years, and I feel so sad that I had to lose a whole year outta my life…I don’t ever want to feel the way I did before, but these feeling that ive had for so long wont seem to go away, one day im good the next im not, I don’t know if its because of the holidays or what but I have been feeling so depressed again and I don’t want to go through it again, im so scared of feeling the way I did before, I just don’t understand why I cant get past it!!!!!!! When am I going to better??? Im not having suicidal feelings or anything like that but ive been cutting myself again and feeling sad! I just don’t understand why I can’t get past this??? When am I going to be able to live my life without these shitty feelings? All I want to do is be happy again and not have to worry about wanting to die…