Hello things are not going good at all this week I passed out at work the day but im ok now I know I need to go to the doctor but I hate going, I freaked everyone out at work I had to tell them I was ok and what I had, but things are cool but now im starting to get sick I feel like shit i couldnt sleep all last night, and than when I did I had this wierd dream that I was in my bed like as if it were real but I felt a ghost trying to rape me it seemed so real like a night terror were you think your awake and I kept seeing it like shadows in my room it was wierd. Well last friday my aunt Mary past away she was old like 90 something it was her time. And than this morning we got news Augie's wife or whatever she was, died in a car accident. I think she was out drinking or something, its sad but I never met her in the whole time ive been w/ Marki I guess hse didnt get along w/ the family cuz she was never ever around, Mark said she wouldnt even like taking care of the kids augie always had them I know he'll be a good a father its sad but she got what she wanted in a way. So i was telling my Karla and she said things always happen in 3 and so my grandma calls me and said that they were taking grandpa to the hospitol to have a blood transfusion so now im freaking out you know how I get when it comes to the grandparents i'll die! but he's had a few before so im sure he'll be ok so thats my week...crazy huh? yeh last Sunday we all went to ranch seco to swim it was Marki's dads birthdya it was cool we actually bonded we were laughing together at Betty's farts it was funny It was cool he usually never talks to me so I was happy maybe it was because he was drunk oh well its ugly outside today it looks like its gonna rain, is that a bad sign? scary oh well Thank God tomarrow is friday so now its time to go home im gonna sleep sp until next time ....

Another Friday it'll go by fast and before you know it i'll be saying dam another fucken monday. oh well i'll takeit as it comes..so im here at work chillin trying to finish up some shit so when fucken monday does come around I wont be so dam buisy. Oh well so this weekend Mark has 2 D.J. jobs on saturday so hell be buisy all day me all I wanna do is sleep i cannot wait!! and than Sunday is Marks dads birthday so were all going to some Lake and were supposed to talk about Rene's wedding that'll be interesting....They're planning on going to Lake Tahoe thank God! well everythings been cool I am just getting so dam frustrated with my weight I swore I would never get fat after I got married and now look at me now I am a big fat married hefa! I dont know what happened I used to be able to put my mind to it and just lose wieght easy but now dam its like the hardest thing I try and try but fuck! I cant Its always shi ra soni or CoCo Ro or Chilis! and Marks ass be eating pizza in front of me Its so hard I swear im ready to go to fat camp! every night I struggle what the fuck am I gonna wear tomarrow I dont fit in anything Allthough its strange but I grew some clothes that i have are like high watters on me wierd huh! well im gonna start this new diet monday and see what happens we both are! I would rather die than be fat I wanna fell sexy and look good for my husband I'll never live my goal of being Playboy centerfold or miss fitness America like Kiana Tom I just wanna be beutiful but I never will I look at myself and I wanna barf im like yuk!!! its hard! maybe i'll never like myself?? oh well back to work.....

I keep having this dream that I have a baby hippo so I checked it out and heres what it said=Hippopotamus=This clumsy animal in its native habitat signifies a dangerous rival or hostile competitor; in captivity (or in a zoo) it forecasts a period of frustration or boredom which will require real initiative and energy to overcome...hmmm /,
I dont know Do I have enemies or something? Im sure I do, Oh well.

So aunt Mary past away thursday we went to the funeral yesturday it was sad there wasnt that many people I guess she out lived all her friends she was 92 woe thats old i cant imagine living that old I cant even imagine living to 40. its crazy. The priest said this sad little passage from the bible it made me cry I cant help think about my grandparents I dont know what ill do if something would happen to them, they're practicaly my parents, my everything its so hard to lose someone, I know everyone dies, and I know theres another place much better than this but can you imagine never seeing them again, never touching them, never talking to them again! I dont think I could be strong enough to handle something like that. I know this is crazy but I Do Not see myself living long I have this date and age when I supposed feel is my time its wierd, I wonder who would go to my funeral would people care, and miss me? I suppose so. Death is crazy. Well on another note not much has been happein just getting ready for Maria's wedding in Vegas im excited now I gotta throw her a bridle party and a bachelorette party woo hoo, she's paying for our hotel and dress so I aint trippin I owe it to her to have a cool party. Well we didnt do much this past weekend shopped drank I drank all weekend there wasnt nothing else to do, Markis trying to get his d.j. thing going so we did that its extra money, this weekend he's booked again woopy. It has been crazy at work I usually hat etalking about work but I have been crazy buisy I dont even have time to take a shit anymore some bullshit H.S.A has me doing i mean it is for a good purpose and all but fuck I like my internet time, give me a freakin break! oh well allrighty enough bull time to get back to work....

Have you ever wake up in the morning and looked at yourself in the mirror and didnt recognize yourself? Well the past couple of days ive just been feeling wierd I dont recongnize myself I look different, feel different its almost as if I feel numb! nothings funny! nothings sad!nothings happy! I feel like im still dreaming and nothing really matters, like I run naked and noone would care! sounds wierd I know I just dont feel myself. I keep thinking that something is wrong like im waiting for something bad to happen. I dont know maybe im just loosing it! The other day I was at grandmas just chillin laying on my old bed thinking about all the times ive spent in that room with my friends, with loved ones all the funny times we had, all the bad things I did, and I cant believe how time flies by so fast I never thought id be were i am right now, married, with my own house life is strange. My husband says I think too much and I do I cant help myself I think about everything What its like to be someone else? shit like that. When your young days seem like months , months seem like years, you never imagine you'll be an adult until you become one, and its so hard! I wish I can go back and just live one day as a kid, but I cant and then when you get older everyday seem the same? I need to do something with my life I feel like its passing me by so fast and I still havent accomplished shit! Im not happy with what I do but than again who the fuck is right! I know that I dont give 100% everyday but I always told myself I would never get a job sitting my fat ass behind a desk all day long working on a computer and look at me now im such a girl. I want to be out there creating, building, working with my hands doing what? I dont fucken know just something else. I still not even half way accomplished my goal with my body i have a long way and it sucks knowing that ill never do what I really want or be what I really want to! Why because im such a fucken scardey cat! I have this image of who I want to be and no matter how I try or what I do, I cant be that person! I guess thats what dreams are for huh? Well I suppose ill live. Strange Days.... Well this weekend we didnt do much were poor right now mortgage, bills you know, were actually thinking about buying another house to rent out that is. Maybe refinance and put money down on another house I think its a good idea I guess you can never go wrong in realestate its scary but I think it'll be all worth it in a few years we'll sell both and buy a big house with a pool that would be cool. I dont intend on telling anyone though you know people just get wierd, Im not a show off I dont brag about the shit I have I thank God for the thing I do have I never thought id actually get this far but people have issues, like when we first bought our house noone wanted to come visit us! you know shit like that, and no I would not rent to family to many issues there but who knows we'll see were still not sure if we wanna do that. Well Ive been thinking about throwing a party maybe next month, Hot august nights! sounds good tome we havnt done much this summer I think its time for a party dont you?
allrighty ive got so much shit to do especially after they added to my to do list! so until next time...

THESE LITTLE LYRICS SAY IT ALL ......
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah,i thought I could leave but couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishin that i
Would die
It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot’s a permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life’s a journey not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen to all that righteous talk
I was out on the street,
Just tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive!

Why are Mondays always the hardest to face? I know everybody feels the same on Sunday night getting your shit together for the week dreading what it may bring you, and hating with everything getting up in the morning! its like the same thing over and over, when are things going change? when is my luck gonna be just a little good? I dont know it seems like never and Mondays dont make it any easier. Well I had a buisy weekend, but let me just get this off my chest first Why are people so fucken ignorate? In this day in age I would think that peoples way of thinking and everything evolving from the stone ages when woman and man were what was supposingly right and all we knew. Why do people still think in one closeed mind little way? So my sister in law and bro-in law came over for dinner you know who else too...and we got into this conversation about something and I cant believe how ignorate he is im sorry I know hes family now and everything but dam boy is such an ignoramous!!! we were all talking and my sis-in law was trying to talk to him but he would not listen saying stupid shit like "oh I think there sick in the head and they need to see a psychatrist", like whatever! And what makes me so mad is that Mark dont say anythinglike hes on his side and I get mad like how can you say that when you know you dont think like that at all! I love Mark becuase he has an open mind about things hes not ignorate about shit hes sees people for who they are not for what they do! and thats one of the reasons why I love him so much, but yet he tells him another thing And im like what?! Im like I know he looks up to you why else would he be trying to buy a house and et married he's his older brother he needs to teach him not to be like that to see it from another point of view I dont know people are so set in there ways its so hard to talk to them how can you teach someone about things when there so fucken hard headed well I was like we need to quit before I get mad so we did. And you know im sorry I dont care who it is the pope, my momma, whatever im not gonna let somebody affend me or the people I love in my own house, people need to stand up for what they believe and that's just what I did, I feel really sorry for him beacause he's gonna miss out on alot and miss out on having what can be really good friends. I am so happy for my friends they gave me a better life they taught me to see things in such a wonderful way and opened me up to a life that brought me joy and of course good times... I feel really bad for people like him they dont know what there missing. So Sex and the City came on and that was the end of that Thank God, ok so the weekend we went to the movies to see Charlie's Angels and Legally Blonde they were good we went to grandpas birthday watched the fireworks, went to Marks family thing it was allright. man the weekend flew by and here I am again here at work putting all my work aside oh well I guess i'll just see what the week ahead brings me so until than......

Goodmorning nothing much going on on this end just looking forward to the 3 day weekend so much going on this weekend party aftert party, so ok I had this awful dream last night, here it goes I was dreaming that I was going to some classes like acting classes or something and there was this guy who kept looking at me I new him but couldnt remember who he was and in my dream I new I was dreaming like I was having an out of body experience like im looking at myself sleeping so anyways, in my dream im sleeping and im dreaming that im walking down this long hall way and there's doors on each side of the hall and I go into every room and I see all these things that have happen to me when I was a kid like they were old memoris hidden in side of me locked up behind doors, and I start freaking out because all the awful memories are just flashing before my eyes, like in a movie. So in the morning im driving down the street with my family and I start to lose it like I go crazy because I start to remember who he and there trying to calm me down but im crying hysterical I go home and look at this old picture that I have of him and its him but looks different so I go to my classes hes there looking at me strange and I go to my teacher and tell her that Im not going to be going there anymore and she asks me why and im crying telling her why and I beg her to please dont say anything but she doesnt listen to me she goes up to him and starts talking to him and he starts to look at me crazy and I start to run and hide and he's chasing me like hes going to hurt me but he doesnt find me. All this time I keep hearing his name Its Leonard, but I dont know any Leonard, I know who he is his real name is Ramon. I dont know it ends there him chasing me and I wake up freaked out because I have all these memories now, I can remember everything he did to me I started crying I dont know its wierd I feel sometimes like im going to lose my mind. I went down my moms house the other day and Tommy was there I tripped out my dad was like you remember Tommy right I wanted to run the fuck out of there I didnt know what to do I was like uuuuhh yeh and took off It pisses me off like why do they still talk to him I dont understand? I know they probley dont know any better but why? I dont know I have all these past memories haunting me and there just there I cant forget and now more than ever I cant forget im like haunted by my own memories what do I do? maybe I need to see a counselor? I did when I was young I had alot of issues with my parents, the past im confused.
Well on another note I got in a car accident yesturday yes my stupid shoe slipped off the break and accidentally rolled into the car in front of me im so stupid and to top it off the lady was hella ghetto trying to say I cracked her the top of her car my car didnt even hit her there it wasnt that bad i just barely knicked her so thats my drama to crazy. Welp gots to get back to work so off I go.

Man how time flies I havnt even had the time to write anything in here, so lets see whats happened hmmm gosh nothing much actually, welll this past weekend me and some of my coworkers went to San Francisco to the gay pride bash they had it was cool, Summer was excited she bought everthing, and came out a little more checking girls out telling me which ones she thought were pretty, I was surprised, and just to let you know Ive always know you were funny styles,(not a bad thing) along with my other gay crazy issue having friend, must be my gaydar. But its all good dont trip chocolate chips be who you are we love you no matter what, dont be afraid of what people say I try no too, even though I have red, blue, purple hair who cares, oh and for that person who dont like me, dont talk too me, its a trip how someone can hate you and want so much to be like you, girlfriend red hair is so last month its all about purple ok! so anyways I fell for people and I totally suuport my gay friends on whatever they choose who am I to say whats wrong and right, for that matter who is anybody to choose what we can do with our lives. Well anyways we kicked it down town saturday night checking out all the fine mens dancing on the rooftops naked mama likey! My friends were telling me how much they like My husband they were tripping off how hes so cool with everything, I guess theres not too many straight men that are cool with it shit he be buying men drinks and im like honey there gonna think your hitting on them, but hes dorky like that he dont think that way he thinks hes just being nice, I guess thats why I love him so much he doesnt trip off shit, unlike other people that new we were going they were like "ewwww you rgoing over there!" yeh so but I love him cuz hes got a kind heart and sees people not for what they are but for who they are. And to that person who thinks hes gay believe me he likes the panocha! sorry to burst your bubble but your man is so gay! haha I hope this never falls in to the wrong hands. Anyways we had a good time the parade was cool all sorts of crazy people! naked and shit with no shame hey I couldnt do it but more power to you for having the balls literally having the balls! well that was my weekend im sure my homies will be talking about for a while, guys you need to get out more! well this weekend should be interesting birthdays family reunions I really dont wanna go but I have no choice Why are families so unbareable sometimes? you have to love them but dam they get on my nerves flaunting there shit like there better than you, ooh you have a nice car ooh you have a nice ring! ohh I make a lot of money! who fucken cares your all miserable! with your gay husbands and in the closet selves and wanna be red hair! i know I better shut up im talking too much shit but thats families for ya only out for themselves and only come around when they want something! Well on another note guess What???????? Im gonna be a mother!!!
haha fooled ya na actually Turbo is gonna be a father soon my friend has a girl pom and were gonna breed them I cant wait there gonna be so cute! so if any one wants one let me know oh yeh we also do a Dj business so if anyone needs one call me! allrighty time to actually work so until next time seeya!