Time goes by so fast, its allready tuesday the 27th of May im allready 26 years old I never thought id be this old, I found this old journal that I had from 1994, I was still in High School at the time and oh my God im reading all the shit my ex put me threw and Im wondering "What the Hell was I thinking"? He put me through so much shit, called me a bitch all the time, he hit me, humiliated me in front of everyone all the time! and I took it all I was so stupid I dont know I think back and I get so mad at myself I had someone else that treated me nice was cute, and good to me and I chose that asshole over him, I cant help but think back and wonder what would have became of our relationship if I wouldve stayed with him instead of my asshole ex boyfriend. Why do we always choose whats bad for us? My cousin was going through the same thing recentley and people would tell her all the time why did you stay with him when all he did was hurt you? And I understand why she did it. Its like an addiction you know its bad for you but you cant stop! Its almost like you need it like drugs, I think back at all the pain he put me through and I thought thats what love was, I guess you have to go through these things and find out for youreslf whats right and whats wrong for you, I just get so mad at myself all those years that I waisted, I was so unhappy. if I had one wish I wish I can go back and change everything! that night when I heard "Open Arms" I regret it so much. Im afraid that im going to make those wrong choices agian now, not with my relationship, but with things in life, I feel like im waisting my life away here at work I know im not giving my all, I feel like I dont belong here,like im supposed to be somewhere else doing what I love, am I making those wrong choices inlife again? and will I regret it later in life? I saw the Matrix this weekend and its very strange it has alot to do with life and what the meaning of it all is! I think its LOVE its what makes the world go round right? I guees you can say we live in the Matrix, like this life isnt real. It said that everyone is here for a reason, I know im here for more than just sitting all day on my ass behind a desk, I just cant seem to figure out what that reason is, Have you ever heard of an emotional Vampire? well they suck out human emotions and energy's strange I know but for some reason I think this is what i am I know it sounds crazy, but I look at people all the time and I feel ther pain like I can feel what there going through like I can here there thoughts, I know this sounds crazy but I know im here on earth for some strange reason, someone once told me if you have a problem ask the bible open it up to any page and there will be yuor answer. I did this once and my answer was to help people. But how can I when I cant even help myself or find the answer to my own questions? Life is difficult so many questions not answered. My problem is im scared I dont know why, I grew up not being taught anything I grew up teaching my self all I know, my parents are both mentally disabled and I dont blame God for anything, yeh I do wish I had someone to teach me things but thats how my life was, learning everything on my own, and Ive made many many mistakes, I just dont wanna do it again so im having all these regrets and thinking that I need to do something with my life, Dont be stupid like me think about life and the decisions you have to make because one day your going to wake up and regret what you didnt do! Sometimes life sucks! sometimes work sucks! and sometimes relationships suck, but dont let life pass you by! dont end up like me scared and confused!
Well on another note enough of my psycho babble I had a good weekend just chilled went to the City on friday night with the family we had fun we didnt end up getting anything though that sucked! my bro in law faked "Whats up with that you dissed us homie"? I know how it is when you get a boyfriend....well the rest of the weekend we chilled no money to spend since our car was stolen and all, but it was cool, well ok enough babbleing gots to get back to work so until next time......

Good morning I am so fucken happy today is friday, were all planning on going out to the big city tonight cant wait for my mind trip to be on, its been a while it feels so lovely! Well "the Mormons" were supposed to go I try and I try with them but nothing they just dont give in, like we were at there house all drinking playin 3 man and im trying to get them to have a goog time and they did for a while and then they went and sat down on the couch they were tired allready, for those of you who dont know who "The Mormons" are its my cousin and her "gay" husband we used to kick it alot before do all sorts of bad things, go out, stay out all night, and they had a kid and I know you have to settle down for a while and shit but they like became like Mormons and shit, (they're not really mormons) dont wanna do nothing, (i hope this doesnt happen to us)and then get this shit everyone knows hes hella gay right, he wears Abercrombie and makeup, loves Madonna hes like one of the gayest guys I know, so he came out like last year was talking to someone on the internet and everything, we were so happy fro him, he told his whole family, we knew it was just a matter of time until it was gonna happen and than, he went back in said he had mixed emotions and is not gay anymore we were like what? I dont know maybe they do love eachother and all but hes always gonna be gay, "Can a gay man love a woman'? I dont know they were like highschool sweet hearts and I think they never got the chance to be with anyone else he never got a chance to explore his sexuality, sad this is! we took them to a gay club a few times they freaked out they were standing in the corner by the door all hugged up! so anyways thats there story Sad huh? so yeh I got a little hurt when they said they weren't gonna go but I kinda understand why, Its just I threw this huge party for her birthday spent hella money on her and now they're like we dont have any money! Ok dont give me excuses just say you dont wanna go right! well so now my "fairy godmother is going"! haha im gonna be like well you said you didnt wanna go so I replaced you! oh well enough of them Im gonna have a good time without them! Today were haveing a pot luck at work we get 2 hours, but were going out shhhh! Yesturday I tried a prozac pill, my friend Andy gave it to me he takes them so I was like let me try it, I wanted to see how it felt, and oh my God it is cool I swear I felt like I was on drugs well I was but you fell like you love everyone kinda like X its cool I need to get me some, ok well enough goofing off gots to get back to work until next time........

HAPPY BITRTHDAY TO MY HUSBAND !
hope your day is wonderful, besides all the drama we have, car getting stolen, and i think i forgot to mention we got in a little car accident in LA barely hit the bastards and now there claiming injury whatever fuckers I barely tagged your asses I cant wait till this weekend so I can take a cool ass mind trip outta this fucken place, and I guess its Carnival weekend in SF cool! too bad my fairy godmother cant go hes buisy, its cool we'll be friut flies this weekend without him, and kick with my crazy ass bro in law wussup homie! so until then....
"rollin with the homies"

Happy Birthday to my hero Cher
I hope I cam look like her when I get older! im allready starting to notice wrinkles that werent there before crazy huh? well ok so my Birthday is long gone thank goodness it turned out pretty ok, we went to dinner yesturday that was cool! my husband got me a cool indian necklace! and some shoe polish yeh hes a dork! And I just wanna say Thanks to my Bro-in-law you really made my day I wanted to cry when I read it I know under that big shiled of yours you gotta big heart so Thanks for caring! were looking forward to seeing you this weekend! and dont trip choclate chip im ok I was just having a bad day nothing a few drinks cant cure! Ok well gots to go im gonna go buy Marki's Birthday present on my lunch hour seeya..

ok its still my birthday I got a pier one gift certificate from my friend a cake from coworkers and just now 4:30 even though it wasnt the best day of my life I got the best present someone could have ever gave me today, someone told me that "they were happy to have me as a friend " I feel special!

So today is my birthday Happy mutha fucken birthday to me! I dont know theres just something about Birthday that depress me I dont know what it is its a wierd feeling like noone cares sorda thing! im tripping I guess, well It didnt start out too good my honey got up this morning to go to work and his fricken car was gone some loser assholes watching to much of the fast and the furious probley stole it, because its an Acura you know the fucken racers like those kinda cars, so just when everything is going good and we have extra money shit like this happends its like destined when your happy something has to fuck it up thats life I guess thank God it wasnt my car I wouldve killed someone! so anyways besides all that shit I had a cool weekend hung out with the cousins played 3 man of course with my luck it was me, (its a drinking game) I sware and im supposed to be having good luck fucken lying psychic, I have been having nothing but bad luck when is something good gonna happen for me I must be born under a bad star well about this weekend im just glad the mormons are actually lightening up little more, we drank hung out, I of course got buzzed than we we to some bar it was such a trip I havnt hung out in a straight bar in so long I was trippin out how straight people are its all about looking cool and trying to be someone there not and of course about getting the booty thats what all there for and hey "I still got it" hahaha Marki was getting jelous because he said the guys were looking at me maybe because I was one of 50 guys in there but it was probley cuz my ass was drunk and being stupid but its a trip "the single life" im glad I dont have to go through that shit anymore you dont know if they wanna be your friend or if there just out to get some. but it was cool. Man I never thought id be 26 I know its not old but I feel old I feel like because im married I feel like people expect certain things from me like now its time to settle down and have kids be more mature be an adult! I dont wanna be an adult I wanna be a Toys R Us kid still I hate having to worry about bills and shit I fell like my is all headed down hill what do I have to look forward to but crying babies my ass getting fatter and menopause yikes! well im still waiting till life to throw me a little good luck but nothing yet. I guess ill just keep waiting so until than .........

hello long time since ive written anything we went to LA for a couple of days. I did not want to come back especially to work i come back and have a pile of shit to do, and than theres drama you know when you work with a bunch of girls you cant trust noone she talking about her and you and she snitching on them blah blah I sware I hate snitches its like why are you gonna snitch it only ruins everything for everone, and than the new supervisor thinks shes the head hancho i dont know i just stay out of it. Well my mini trip to LA was cool my whole purpose to going over there was to get this cool Indian armoire that Ive been wanting for my karma sutra room well it was there after 6 months still right so i was like ok im gonna go look around still didnt find anything went back and it was sol djust my luck I sware my spychic said im supposed to be having good luck and aint shit happend and to top it off we got in a car accident over there very small no dammage just our luck though. So im turning 26 dam i feel old ive been feeling depressed lately I dont know Im not happy with my looks, everything! im having issues Ive been feeling lately like crying for no reason and yelling at the top of my lungs AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I had this dream the other day that I like went out of contiousness like I lost my mind and they had to put me in a mental hospitol it was wierd and I remember how i felt and it scares me because Im feeling like its going to happen and I freak out, last month I was taking a shower I started feeling al wierd the next thing I new I woke up on the ground im dying...no but Im tripping lately like im not getting anywhere in life no matter what I do it sucks! I need drugs thats bad huh? but I wanna go rollin with the homies for my birthday I need a night out next week! well our trip was cool we went looking around I didnt getto do much shopping I felt like I didnt wanna drag the gyus everywhere. Beto has a cool ass house 2 stories its nice! I miss my friends I wish they didnt live so far away. Well my birthday is coming up i get so depressed around that time I dont know why I feel like noone cares! weve been having these suprise parties like my cousins and im like ae they throwing me one hmmm?? no I doubt it! well nothing really going on... I need another vacation, my anniversary is coming up maybe than.....
allrighty back to work...

FRIDAY NIGHT CHILLIN SMOKIN!

Ok so today is not starting off so good I woke up late, put my clothes on, I always get my clothes ready the night before so I dont have to worry about it in the morning, so I put my cute little outfit on ready to go, and I look cute because ive been working my fat hefa married ass off on my new treadmill! and as im leaving I walk by the mirror in the room and notice in the different light that you can see my chonies, not cute so I run to get a different outfit on and here I am at work late again! and to top it off I have cagathithis from last nights dinner yuk! Well one more day to go I can hang, because next week I am going to La I cant wait, I so need a vacation not to be mean but I am so tired of dealing with welfare recipients. Ok so me and my honey had this argument last night because ok first of all I was watching this show on TLC about how your life is written in the stars you know astrology and stuff very interesting and how they can map out what your life is going to be like blah blah right so I went on the internet and checked out mines the day I was born, the time etc. and it described me as bull headed I am, and sensative, and I am, Im not the kinda of person who will go off on anybody im really laid back, Im not mean to anybody I like everyone! and I want everyone to like me, and if I dont like you I just ignore you I wont talk to you. I wont sit there and say oh you bitch right thats not me, if anything I let people run over me and thats my flaw, so the point is theres one person in particular that I just dont get along with I dont hate this person I dont hate anyone, and ive tried being nice but for some reason we just cant be friends and I have my reasons, but he made me to be out this horrible person, and im not! if I were someone else It would be alot worse. so I dont know ive been having issues with myself lately Im trying to change to be a better person, maybe im getting older not that I dont wanna be disco granny still, but I feel like now that im older im seeing my life in a different light, like my chonies haha I want so much to make a difference in this world to be somebody I know that im here for a reason I want to change the world does this sound crazy? I swear I would give my life to save the world "I want to be somebody" and I know this sounds crazy but it makes me sad to know that I probley wont. Im wierd I guess. So im being Metiche and reading blogs and it trips me out that we are all different but same, we all hate work! it sucks that we have to work to live! so what im saying to all yall is work to live dont live to work! its hard and it sucks but you gotta do what you gotta do, im learning not to take things so serious we control our destiny! laugh a little, smile more, make jokes! and when life hands you a lemon make lemonaid! its not worth it being depressed and sad all the time youll get old like that!