Time goes by so fast, its allready tuesday the 27th of May im allready 26 years old I never thought id be this old, I found this old journal that I had from 1994, I was still in High School at the time and oh my God im reading all the shit my ex put me threw and Im wondering "What the Hell was I thinking"? He put me through so much shit, called me a bitch all the time, he hit me, humiliated me in front of everyone all the time! and I took it all I was so stupid I dont know I think back and I get so mad at myself I had someone else that treated me nice was cute, and good to me and I chose that asshole over him, I cant help but think back and wonder what would have became of our relationship if I wouldve stayed with him instead of my asshole ex boyfriend. Why do we always choose whats bad for us? My cousin was going through the same thing recentley and people would tell her all the time why did you stay with him when all he did was hurt you? And I understand why she did it. Its like an addiction you know its bad for you but you cant stop! Its almost like you need it like drugs, I think back at all the pain he put me through and I thought thats what love was, I guess you have to go through these things and find out for youreslf whats right and whats wrong for you, I just get so mad at myself all those years that I waisted, I was so unhappy. if I had one wish I wish I can go back and change everything! that night when I heard "Open Arms" I regret it so much. Im afraid that im going to make those wrong choices agian now, not with my relationship, but with things in life, I feel like im waisting my life away here at work I know im not giving my all, I feel like I dont belong here,like im supposed to be somewhere else doing what I love, am I making those wrong choices inlife again? and will I regret it later in life? I saw the Matrix this weekend and its very strange it has alot to do with life and what the meaning of it all is! I think its LOVE its what makes the world go round right? I guees you can say we live in the Matrix, like this life isnt real. It said that everyone is here for a reason, I know im here for more than just sitting all day on my ass behind a desk, I just cant seem to figure out what that reason is, Have you ever heard of an emotional Vampire? well they suck out human emotions and energy's strange I know but for some reason I think this is what i am I know it sounds crazy, but I look at people all the time and I feel ther pain like I can feel what there going through like I can here there thoughts, I know this sounds crazy but I know im here on earth for some strange reason, someone once told me if you have a problem ask the bible open it up to any page and there will be yuor answer. I did this once and my answer was to help people. But how can I when I cant even help myself or find the answer to my own questions? Life is difficult so many questions not answered. My problem is im scared I dont know why, I grew up not being taught anything I grew up teaching my self all I know, my parents are both mentally disabled and I dont blame God for anything, yeh I do wish I had someone to teach me things but thats how my life was, learning everything on my own, and Ive made many many mistakes, I just dont wanna do it again so im having all these regrets and thinking that I need to do something with my life, Dont be stupid like me think about life and the decisions you have to make because one day your going to wake up and regret what you didnt do! Sometimes life sucks! sometimes work sucks! and sometimes relationships suck, but dont let life pass you by! dont end up like me scared and confused!
Well on another note enough of my psycho babble I had a good weekend just chilled went to the City on friday night with the family we had fun we didnt end up getting anything though that sucked! my bro in law faked "Whats up with that you dissed us homie"? I know how it is when you get a boyfriend....well the rest of the weekend we chilled no money to spend since our car was stolen and all, but it was cool, well ok enough babbleing gots to get back to work so until next time......