December 15, 2003

Today is going ok earlier we went and volunteered at St Mary’s dining hall it was cool this is the 3rd time ive done it, it makes me feel good going and helping out over there I know I should go and do it more often instead of once a year, but its sad too there’s a lot of people with children that go there its really sad that they have nothing. Well my weekend was boring this whole fricken year has sucked I think because of the whole Chata incident we didn’t really club or do much this year not like last year, well im going to make sure that 2004 will be a better year so we finally are going to do it, were going to buy another house we’ve been thinking about it for a while now and since everything is so cheap and interest rates are low, and we don’t have any kids I figured we do it now so my best friend Beto is going to help us he said he’s help us with closing costs and help us refinance so its scary I was trippin at first “what if we cant find anybody?� “what if we cant afford it� but were going to refinance at 3% and so it’ll bring our mortgage down to 480.00 and so we can rent it out make a profit at renting it at 1100.00 and put the rest on our other house its exciting but scary. Im ready we didn’t really plan on living in or house for too long anyways, just all the work we put into it that’s what kinda sucks but oh well it’ll but fun working on our new house, so Mark sez are you going to be strong enough and yeh I know there’s haters shit my family didn’t even want to come visit us when we first moved in, but oh well I need to do what is right for me now and not worry about what others think im tires of living my life for others, this is my time now and I need to do what is right for me. Hell I never thought id be where I am now I never went to school so I guess I didn’t do so bad, no really I thank god for what I have now and I really don’t think id be where I am now without Mark, he is truly my Angel! Sounds corny huh? But its true. Well Friday we had our X-mas lunch at work we went to Le Bistros it was ok they didn’t have an open bar though so you know Michelle went and got a little something, somethin and we had fun well you know all my drama that ive been having here well my boss called me into his office on Friday and was like I never mentioned her name right I was like no why? Well apparently she went to management and mentioned to them that he had told me it was her and now because of that no one talks to her im like no he didn’t even need to tell me it was her I already new well so now she saying its uncomfortable work environment and blah blah I new this was going to happen but he’s scared now im like im not going to say you told me so don’t be scared well I never told anyone to stop talking to her they did it because they know what kind of person she is well I feel bad for her I really do but I didn’t do it she did it to me. So that’s my drama. Anyways one more week and than I go on vacation I cant believe it than itll be New Years we still don’t even have any plans I guess well just see so until than asta…

Happy Thanksgiving! Boy how that flew by. I had an ok Thanksgiving we went down grandmas first Mark kept rushing me to go down his moms and that was kind of upsetting me because for 2 years we went down his sisters house in San Diego and I had to miss Thanksgiving with my family so the least he could do was kick it with me for a while without complaining you know, but he still was ready to leave, and than when we got there no one was doing anything just sitting there watching TV it was pretty boring usually his family is the more funner one my family just sits there saying nothing but it was cool Fed and Cammille had there sars masks on that was pretty funny they have allergies around my grandmas cat. We used to be so close at a time but now we talk but its not the same they hardly come visit us anymore. They are actually finally getting an apartment after hella long I don’t know how they stayed in his moms house so long id be like we need to get out! But yeh finally there getting there own apartment we’ll see how that goes, you know there always in competition w/ us. So anyways thanksgiving night I wanted to have an after part but no one wanted to do anything its like everybody’s old now and don’t want to do shit anymore what’s up with that? I think I just need to get new friends. Yeh were losers we don’t have any friends, it’s just me Mark and Turbo ive become what I said I wouldn’t! Well anyways my weekend was ok we got up early Friday to go shopping We bought a TV for 99$ two DVD’s for 19.99 each cool huh yeh we shopped like crazy, it was cool I couldn’t believe how many people there was at 6 o clock in the morning. So that night we all kicked it at my house drank it was cool, I miss my homies we don’t hang out as much anymore well of course because they’ve all moved away. Saturday get this shit we went down Marks aunt cuz it was Manuel’s birthday, and we got there kinda early so me, Augie and his uncle Frank all smoked I was trippin it was hella funny I was like oh my god I new he smoked but I never thought id actually smoke with him he was cool about it, he was like everybody does it so I was like ok. Well this is weird and I never thought id say this but I think I actually am ready to start a family everybody kept telling me wait till your older you’ll want one and I was like no no! but im thinking I don’t know if I want one because im lonely or because im really ready and its weird now that I want one, Mark doesn’t ive been having issues he makes me feel like Im not going to be a good mother that’s why he doesn’t want to have one with me. Lately he’s been treating me like im worthless like im not a good wife like he’ll ask me to do something but, will I know your not going to do it. Like he expects me to be a bad wife because im not traditional like some others, I don’t cook, or serve him, or wait on him hand and foot that’s just not me but I sometimes feel like he thinks im not a good wife and that’s why he doesn’t want to have a family w/ me yeh it hurts. So ok thanksgiving flew soon it will be x-mas I cant wait until my vacation, ok gits to go now …..

So I have this problem with women, all my life my women friends have one way or another hurt me or stabbed me in the back and I cant figure out why this always happens to me, I like to think im a nice person, a good friend, I will never criticize you, or tell you your dumb, or do anything to try to willingly hurt you but, I don’t know what it is about me, its not like im hella pretty or hella funny or smart or whatever! but for some reason my friends always have this weird competition thing with me im not one to flaunt my shit around town! so I cant figure out what it is about me. I try hard to be cool with everybody but no matter what I do it’s never good enough! When I was in grade school 2 of my best friends went out of there way to hurt me and still till this I don’t know why? When I got older my best friend tried to take my boyfriend away (which is now my husband) My other best friend for years that I had was always in competion with me to win over my friends, and than I had this other friend here at work we were hella cool w/ each other hung out all the time and so when there was an opening to go to her dept. I did and that’s when things between us got fucked she would always blame things she did on me to make herself look good in front of the boss and make me look like I wouldn’t be do anything, so I cut the cords w/ her! Why do people do this shit to im too fucken nice its my problem! I never say anything! Why am I so stupid I let people run me over and never say anything!, my own cousin does this shit to me like she always has to do things to make herself look better, like when I got married she went out and got a bigger ring than mines because mines was big! She always has to tell me she got a raise or bought an expensive purse and im like what the fuck? good for you! And why doesn’t my soon to be sister in law like me? Because she thinks her man liked me or something happened between us! Why does she dye her hair red when she doesn’t obviously like me? So now heres my issue I have this friend at work, no one likes her right all my other friends tried to warn me about her but no I said “you just don’t understand her” and would always have her back “that’s just how she is” so get this she was getting married and she asked me and my husband to be in her wedding she was getting married in Vegas and was going to pay for our whole trip so I was like cool ok! So she had her little bridle shower no one went I was the only one there. I felt bad for her so at work I threw her a little surprise shower and because I did it everyone went. So I was planning this surprise bachelorette party for her who wouldn’t like that right! She got mad at me saying I told you I didn’t want one! After she looked like she had a good time there! Started tripping off everybody yelling at us going all crazy after everything I had done for her ok! Didn’t once say thank you! Everyone that went to the party told me im going for you not for her! And I still didn’t see it so to make a long story short she fucked me again! the whole competition thing happened because I got a good review at work from my supervisor and she didn’t she started going behind my back telling on me getting me in trouble! My supervisor and me are cool so when he had to write me up for being late he was like “I don’t really mind that you’re a little late sometimes because I know you’re a hard worker, but because someone who you think is your friend went to the manager and told them so I have to” straight up told me to watch my back because the person that I think is my friend isn’t! Ok what the fuck! I kept thinking about it last night and I don’t understand why girls do this shit to me all the time I never would do shit like that to my friends! Why do women feel they always have to be in competition with me its hurts not knowing who you can trust! It got to me last night and I guess that’s why I get along better with gay guys! Funny huh! I don’t know but I just feel more comfortable around them like if we go out, I like going to gay clubs there’s never women trying to show off! Or trying to be better than the next girl! I can’t stand it! I swear since ive sat next to my “so called friend” ive been in trouble twice (I got moved right next to her recently) and I know for sure it aint no one else! I just don’t understand people I used to think I could read people because I was a people watcher, but I don’t understand how people can be that way! So my husband told me something last night and ive learned from it…YOU HAVE TO PLAY THERE GAME! And so I will! No more Mrs. nice girl!

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital. It was sent by a medical doctor Make sure to read what is in the closing statement after the poem.......
SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask how are you? Do you hear a reply? When the day is done do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? You'd better slow down don’t dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Ever told your child, we’ll do it tomorrow? And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die Cause you never had time to call and say,"hi" You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. When you run so fast to get somewhere you miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away. Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over.
I woke up this morning thinking to myself God I hope this day goes by fast, I cant wait till thanksgiving vacation! and than I thought wait a minute its already going to be December, and I cant believe this year has flown by its weird but when your young days seem like a weeks, weeks seem like months, and months seem like years, but when you get old like me, the days fly by so fast you cant even remember what you did yesterday. So I got this email today telling me the same thing, and I thought today im going to kick back and just let the day take me away however it wants, whether its going to suck really bad, or be one of the best days of my life! So Last night after I got out of the shower I noticed a big ole wrinkle under my eye, Fuck! I’m probably going to be one of those old ladies with all the botox and still trying to wear young girl’s clothes! Scary thought! But its scares me getting old I just don’t see it happening. I don’t see myself living past a certain age no matter what I do; I can’t imagine it. As if I know what my future is going to bring me, as sad as that may seem. Dying doesn’t scare me because I know that’ll it’ll happen so fast that you wont even notice. What scares me is that what’s going to happen in the after life I believe in life after death, but I cant help wonder will I see my loved ones again will we remember each other? Will I ever get to hold my husband again, touch him? That’s what scares me! I believe that he’s my soul mate, and that there is someone out there for everyone (whether we find them is up to us), But what will happen to us? So life is flying by and I ask myself do I have any regrets about the choices ive made? and Hell Yes I do! But if I have tooken another path in life would it have lead me where I am now? I suppose im happy with my life; I have a wonderful husband, a cool house, enough money, friends and my family. The only thing I want out of life is to be someone, I don’t know what or how, but just to be someone that people will remember after im gone! So 2003 was fast and boring, im just hoping 2004 will be a whole lot better! Im going to do my best to get everything out of life that I want!

I just called into my supervisor’s office because someone here in my office is a fucken ratta! I don’t understand why people need to snitch or rag on other people just to make themselves look better, and supposingly these people are supposed to be my friends? I would never ever!, snitch on someone I never have and never would! But that’s just me if you’re my friend im not going to go behind your back and stab you a thousand times I just don’t understand it, im nice to everyone and people always fuck me! Why??? It just bugs me that I think theyre my friends and there not! So my supervisor and me are cool he doesn’t really trip but because nurse Ratchet has been coming around spying on us he has to do it he’s like I really don’t care but I have to do it, and he told me that its someone who I think is my friend. What the fuck?!! I swear fuck all these people so Im learning my lesson I will not hang out with these people invite them to any of my parties anymore God only knows what shit they talk behind my back! So sorry fellas! Its like that now! So I speak from experience Watch your back! And the ones you think are your friends really aren’t!

One more week and a half to go till Thanksgiving I cant wait I was craving turkey sandwiches the other day with lots of mayonnaise and cheese yummy! Well things are going ok Marks a lot better no more Quazimoto, I know its not funny but we just play like that. Anyways I had a cool weekend we hadnt been out in a while so it was my bro-in laws birthday so we went to San Fran and kicked it with him that was cool we went to dinner and than drinking a little bit, I was telling the homo boys there futures they thought I was psychic haha. I had fun I miss San Fran, we used to go there all the time. I swear I feel deprived from the outside world I swear we havnt really been doing nothing we actually are broke because Marks been out of work for a while I guess thats why I havnt done anything, no money, thank God grandma gave us some money when they sold there lot, its wierd everytime we get extra money its like something happens we never just have EXTRA money, is that how it is for everyone or am I just fucked? Shit I cant believe Christmas is coming up and New Years, oh lord im getting old what am I going to do with my self am I really going to be here for the rest of my life well when the New year comes in ill think about it than, right now just wanna get through the day and think about those turkey sandwiches.
so until something interesting happens ill be seeying ya later...

gosh dam i wear im so frustarted at work all week my stupid computer has been messing up i can catch up because of it and all my shit was lost its so irritating its been one of those weeks i guess so everythings been ok i guess besides the stress at work Marks lookin alot better actually normal he'll be going back to work next week thank god! Christmas is coming up my tags are due shit were gonna be screwed for a while i dont know sometimes life is, sometimes life is easy but fuck for me i swear im mustve been born under a fucken fucked up ass star i never have good luck! what is up with that? when things seem to be going good theres always something that has to fuck it all up does this happen to everyone or is it just me? i dont get it. Well anyways i had this wierd dream yesturday, it was about augies wife that passed away, i dreamt that i was with her Mark and Augie were there we were taking nd she was telling me about how she was unhappy and she wanted to die and how she was happier now, and if she wouldnt have died in that car accident that she was going to commit suicide. It was kinds scary as if she was really talking to me and whats wierd is I never even met this girl she was never around or anything i never even seen her but I remember what she looked like and everything. Weird well I forgot to tell my bro-in law HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD MAN I HOPE YOUR HAVING A BETTER DAY THAN I AM! anyways I better get back to work before mrs Ratchet comes so until than ..........

Last night our insurance agent came over, we had to update our information and put more money into our life insurance because you never know what’s going to happen to eighther one of us in the future, so it got me thinking about getting older someday starting a family of our own, and I never ever thought id say this but I think I actually might be ready to settle down well not just yet but soon, I know it sounds crazy coming from me, I thought id never be ready but I could actually see it now, its crazy! And now Marks like “I don’t want one yet”. It’s weird. Well this morning I woke up with a wrinkle around my eye talking about retirement and shit all last night oh my god! I’m getting old, I swear my fucken back is starting to hurt, my neck everything im getting tired early what is wrong with me? I know I still have a few more partying years left in me, I think its Stockton making me this way lazy! So anyways Halloween sucked we had to go to Manuel’s party it was all right I talk to everyone and get a long with them and all but his young cousins we just don’t click there into different things than we are me and mark are about partying all night with dance music there into fubu music and that’s not out scene really so we just don’t click u-know I think they don’t like me if you ask me, but I don’t really care. I wanted to go to san Fran and mark was like ok but we never ended up going so I was like please take me home and that was our night, sucky huh! Well we haven’t been doing much lately we want to buy another house actually soon since the market is down I don’t want to wait too long, we’ve been looking a little bit just to see, I guess well see how it goes.-

Ok so sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs “I HATE WORK AHHHHHH!!!” yeh I swear I cant even take a few minutes to take a shit without someone buggin! And now that I sit in no mans land with the snitch! I have to even more so watch my back, I used to think before, the person that I am at work is the person I am at home I don’t fake nothing who you see is what you get but I learned my lesson I have to be 2 people now the wild and crazy one at home in my own place were I can be free! And than the boring worker at work I learned my lesson people got issues and cant deal with reality, there too busy being snitches and metiches! So that’s what im doing no more Mrs. nice girl not after all the drama of the whole wedding! So we may be cool at work or whatever but I am not your homie anymore, no more hanging out outside of work! Not when I think you’re my friend and than catch your ass talking shit behind my back I swear this is why I hate working with women they fucken stab you in the back every time no matter how fucken nice I am, they still get me I don’t understand why? I try to be cool with people but they still hate, women! So anyways yeh I got this promotion but I need money! What can I do to make money? Without working? Only if it was that easy, so I saw this infomercial the other day and usually I don’t go much for those kinds of things but they were talking about buying real estate like gvt foreclosure homes and stuff and selling them and it seemed kinda interesting so im going to look in to it and see what happens well allright got to go before some metiche sees me on the internet!

Gosh its been so crazy lately I just got a promotion at work so ive been crazy busy lately I don’t have time to do anything. Im finally an Intake Specialist" cool huh! I didnt even have to apply, well it pretty much means more work for me and nopay increase that is until Mr. Arnold decides to give us people some funding. Well lets see what’s been happening too much, my friends came down a couple of weekends ago it was cool we went out we didn’t do what we wanted to do but it was ok. Well Mark’s aunt had this party for her birthday that Saturday night and we didn’t go Of course because we had company, something they cant still understand is that we don’t always have to be there his family has a thing about that. We are always with them. Anyways Marks dumb cousin was offering his sister some stuff and I don’t know how he we came up but he started saying shit that we do it, or whatever drama u know so im scared that rumors are going to start. So I guess his sister was trippin, ok so we dabble a little bit with stuff every once and a great while but were not fucken crack whores or anything and believe me I speak from experience I know how it is to be hooked I was hooked for a long time until I started becoming an insomniac and that’s what stopped me I cant stand that feeling, so I don’t do it hardly. And as for mark he never does it, if anything its me. Well im just scared they might find out and blame it on me saying its all my fault, if it gets around, his little brother was already trippin shit only if they really know what we do. But anyways so my poor baby has this weird thing called Bells Palsy I had never heard of it but its supposed not that uncommon people at work know people that had it, and say it goes away its just when a muscle or something in your face gets inflamed and it causes the face to droop yeh were scared I know he is, but im sure he’ll be ok he’s staying home right now, taking some time off work. He needs it I just feel so bad for him hes been acting all sad ive never seen him this way, he sleeps all day doesn’t want to talk to me, I know he feels shitty but hopefully things will be ok soon. Well as for me, we went to Augie’s b-day last weekend and well the night before I was feeling kinda funny but I brushed it off nothing happened, and than I felt that weird feeling at the party and the next thing I know I was on the floor I passed out everybody got scared I could imagine how it looked, now everybody’s trippin off both of us were both fucked I swear! but im ok I keep saying to myself that its not going to happen again but I don’t know. Well its almost Halloween can u believe that shit, time is going by so fast its almost 2004 life is passing me by. I feel old I need to do something with myself can you believe for the first time i actually saw myself having a baby, I never thought id say that I must be getting old! but later on. ok back to work I go before I get really behind so until next time....

October 6, 2003
IM BACK HERE AGAIN ONCE MORE WISHING I WASN’T, IM FEELING A LITTLE IRRITATED FOR SOME REASON, I ALMOST SNAPPED AT THE LITTLE CRIPPLED LADY, “ARE YOU TELLING OUR CLIENTS INTAKE? OR ORIENTATION? BECAUSE BLAH BLAH! WHO THE FUCK CARES! DOES IT REALLY MATTER THAT YOU’RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB, AND TRYING TO BLAME IT ON ME. I LEARNED SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT TYPE OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ME AND EVERYONE ELSE I NEVER REALLY REALIZED HOW CLOSED MINDED PEOPLE ARE, SEE I HAVE THIS WAY OF THINKING, VERY OPEN MINDED ABOUT THINGS, CARE FREE ABOUT PEOPLE AND THERE WAYS, BUT I NEVER REALIZED THAT NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE ME, PEOPLE ARE DIFFICULT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO HELP SOMEONE, BE FRIENDLY OR WANT CARE, TEACH THEM SOMETHING NEW, PEOPLE JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO BACK STAB YOU, MAKE YOU THINK THERE RIGHT! AND YOUR WRONG, OR SIMPLY TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK WHILE THE SAME TIME THEY’RE PRETENDING TO BE YOUR FRIEND IN YOUR FACE! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THERES ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMEONE THAT’S GOING TO BRING YOU DOWN, NO MATTER HOW FRIENDLY OR NICE YOU ARE. THERES ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE HARD HEADED ASSHOLES OF THE WORLD! SO WATCH OUT NO MORE MRS. NICE GIRL! PEOPLE WILL NEVER LEARN.
SO BESIDES ALL THE BULL SHIT LIFE BROUGHT ME THIS WEEKEND IT ACTUALLY TURNED OUT PRETTY OK, FRIDAY MY FAMILY CAME OVER ATE DINNER, AND WATCHED “FREDA” MY GRANDMA REALLY LIKED IT, THAT MOVIE GETS ME EVERYTIME MAKES ME WANT TO DRINK TEQUILA! AND PAINT AGAIN. SATURDAY WAS MY BRO-IN-LAWS HOUSE WARMING PARTY, IT WENT OK, I HAD FUN, EVEN THOUGH I LIKE TO MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF BECAUSE I REALLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK! IM HAVING A GOOD TIME AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT TOO MUTHA FUCKEN BADD! YEH THERES A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE TRYING TO BE TOO COOL TO ENJOY LIFE, LIKE FOR EXAMPLE THERE WERE THESE GUYS IN A CORNER, DANCING BY THEMSELVES SO I WENT OVER THERE HAD TO BUST A FEW OF MY MOVES AND THERE STILL HIDING WITH EACHOTHER, WHEN THE WHOLE TIME THERES PRETTY GIRLS DANCING BY THEMSELFVES, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE MALE SPECIES. SO IM BEGINING TO THINK EVERYONES IN A CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME HAHA IM BEING CRAZY BUT SHIT I SWEAR I FEEL LIKE NO MATTER HOW FUCKEN NICE I AM PEOPLE ARE STILL ASSHOLES TOWARD ME. I DON’T KNOW JOELS RIGHT YOU GOTTA WATCH WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE. WELL IT WAS COOL I THINK PEOPLE HOLD IN WHO THEY REALLY ARE TOO MUCH, ME IM JUST ME I DON’T TRY TO HIDE WHO I AM FROM ANYBODY, WE ALL NEED TO LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE AND MAYBE WE’D ENJOY LIFE A LITTLE MORE. WELL GUESS WHO WAS THERE, YES SARAH! IF THERES ONE PERSON I CAN’T STAND ITS HER JUST BECAUSE! YEH SHES SKINNY NOW SO WHAT! SHES STILL A BITCH! IM WONDERING IF SHES RELATED TO LUNCHBOX, SHE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE AROUND WHEN THEY HAVE FAMILY FUNCTIONS, SO IT MUST RUN IN THE FAMILY! HMMMM
SUNDAY MARKS FAMILY AND I ALL WENT TO THE PUMPKIN PATCH IT WAS FUN, SO HIS DAD IS OPENING UP A LITTLE MORE TO ME THESE DAYS, I STILL THINK HE DON’T LIKE ME BECAUSE IM NOT MEXICAN ENOUGH BUT HES BEEN COOL LATELY, WE HAD FUN WITH HIS AUNT AND UNCLE AND AUGIES 2 KIDS, HAUNTED HOUSE, HAY RIDE, TRAIN IN THE CORN FIELD. NOT TOO BAD. WELL THIS WEEKEND SHOULD BE COOL IM TAKING A 3 DAY WEEKEND TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HERE AND BECAUSE BETO AND THEM ARE COMING DOWN SO IM SURE WE’LL HAVE FUN, SO UNTIL THAN…..

SEPTEMBER 30, 03
AT LEASTE ONCE IN YOUR LIFE I THINK EVERYONE WILL MEET SOMEONE THAT WILL MAKE AN IMPACT ON THEM WETHER ITS ABOUT THERE PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE OR JUST HOW THEY SEE THE WORLD, IVE HAD TWO PEOPLE AS OF RECENTLY, WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH I MET THIS PERSON, DANIEL I USED TO LOOK UP TO HIM BECAUSE I LOVED THE WAY HE LOOKED AT LIFE HE HAD NO CARES IN THE WORLD, I WANTED SO MUCH TO BE JUST LIKE HIM, I STARTED TO TALK LIKE HIM, SEE THINGS THE WAY HE DID, AND ITS STRANGE BUT I KNOW WE ARE ALL ON THIS EARTH FOR EACHOTHER, WERE ALL HERE FOR A PURPOSE. HE TAUGHT ME THINGS, AND HOPEFULY ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SEE THAT ABOUT ME. WELL I HAD MY EVALUATION YESTURDAY AT WORK AND MY SUPERVISOR GAVE ME A GOOD ONE EVERYTHING ON IT WAS GOOD. THE ONLY THING HE HAD TO SAY WAS THAT I NEED TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE, BE MORE ASSERTIVE, AND TAKE CHARGE! AND THAT GOT US INTO THIS WHOLE BIG THING ON LIFE, I TOLD HIM WELL THAT’S A PROBLEM I HAVE IN EVERYDAY LIFE AS MUCH AS I WANT TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE I CANT AND ITS NOT THAT IM SCARED BUT ITS NOT ME TO GO OFF ON SOMEONE. IM TOO DAM NICE. SO WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT STUFF AND HE WANTS TO BE A FAMILY COUNSLOR IN A RELIGIOUS PERSPECTIVE,THATS COOL SO ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER I WAS TELLING HIM MY WHOLE LIFE STORY AND HE WAS TELLING ME HIS, AND IT WAS STRANGE I NEVER THOUGHT HED SEE THINGS THE SAME WAY I DO, WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON AND I REALLY LEARNED ALOT FROM HIM I KNOW I HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES AND HE MADE ME THINK A LOT ABOUT MY LIFE AND WERE IM HEADED, MY SELF CONCIOUS PROBLEM, YEH I HAVE A SELF CONTIOUS PROBLEM I DON’T LIKE MYSELF VERY MUCH, I DON’T LIKE THE WAY I LOOK, AM EVERYTHING! AND I KNOW I WANT TO CHANGE BUT, IVE BEEN FELLING THIS WAY FOR SO LONG THAT IT’S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW, I HAVE NO WILL POWER TO DO IT. SO IT OPENED MY EYES AND MADE ME SEE THAT LIFE GOES BY SO FAST I DON’T WANT TO LOOK BACK ON TODAY AND THINK WHY DID I WAIT OR WHAT WAS I THINKING? SO IM TRYING TO TURN MY LIFE AROUND AND HELP MYSELF BEFORE I DECIDE TO HELP ANYONE ELSE. WE’LL SEE HOW THAT GOES….OH YEH IM GETTING A PROMOTION COOL HUH?

SEPTEMBER 29, 03

I HAVE THIS GOAL IN LIFE, AND IM NOT ASHAMED OF IT, ILL TELL YOU IF YOU ASK, YEH SO I WANT TO BE A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD, ITS CRAZY AND DIFFERENT, NOT YOUR EVERYDAY SORDA DOCTOR SORDA THING BUT, ITS JUST SOMETHING IVE WANTED FOR A LONG TIME, AND IT’S A DREAM OF COURSE, A DREAM I WILL NEVER FULLFILL PROBABLEY BUT IT DOESN’T HURT TO DREAM RIGHT, EVERYONE DOES IT…WETHER YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR OR ASTRONAUT OR WHATEVER BUT FOR ME ITS BECAUSE I HAVE A SELF CONFIDENCE ISSUE, I THINK THE NAKED BODY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING AND ITS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASED ABOUT IF YOU HAVE IT, FLAUNT IT, ITS LIKE AN ART, I DON’T KNOW YESTURDAY ME AND MARK WERE TALKING ABOUT IT AND HE KNOWS THAT IT’S A DREAM THAT I HAVE, AND HE KNOWS THAT I WILL UNFORTUNETLEY NEVER GET THERE BUT , I TOLD HIM IMAGINE I DID GET THE CHANCE WOULD HE REALLY LET ME KNOWING THAT FRIENDS, AND FAMILY WOULD SEE ME IN THE FLESH, AND HE SAID TO ME WOULDN’T I BE EMBARRASED? AND I WOULDN’T BE ITS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD DO FOR MYSELF TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND HE SAID WELL WHY DO I NEED TO SHOW MY BODY TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL? I CANT EXPLAIN IT BUT ITS JUST MY WAY OF FEALING THAT I THINK I WOULD FINALLY FEEL BEAUTIFUL ABOUT MYSLEF AND ITS WEIRD YEH I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AND THINK I LOOK GOOD OR WHATEVER I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS PRETTY, IVE ALWAYS HAD LOW SELF ESTEEM I LOOK AT MYSLEF NOW AND I THINK THAT I AM JUST GROSSE, I CANT STAND THE WAY I LOOK I FEEL SO UGLY! I CANT FIT INTO NONE OF MY CLOTHES IVE GAINED LIKE 20 POUNDS SINCE I GOT MARRIED AND I SWORE TO MYSLEF I WOULDN’T LET THAT HAPPEN I DON’T KNOW ITS JUST SO HARD I HATE THE WAY I LOOK AND TO BE IN PLAYBOY WOULD MEAN ALOT TO ME, BUT I DON’T HAVE THE DRIVE TO DO IT, YEH IF I WANTED TO I CAN MAKE MY LAZY ASS RUN AND EXCERSISE BUT I DON’T HAVE THE WILL POWER TO DO ANYTHING, IT SUCKS! I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF SOMETIMES, HOW COULD YOU WANT SOMETHING SO BAD AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT?
I THINK WHAT MY PROMLEM IS, IS THAT IM SCARED, IM SCARED OF EVERYTHING! AS PATHETIC AS IT SOUNDS I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE ME BY THE HAND AND SHOW ME! AND WELL MARK ISNT THE FITNESS GURU I WISH HE WAS. SO I DON’T KNOW IT’S A DREAM AND ALL I CAN DO IS DREAM ABOUT IT…. ALL MY LIFE IVE ALWAYS FELT WORTHLESS THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH WITH RICKY, MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WAS NOBODY, I WANT ONE DAY TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK IM BEAUTIFUL, I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AND THAT’S THE ONLY WAY THAT WOULD DO IT. I KNOW I GOT SERIOUS ISSUES WITH MYSELF I THINK TOO MUCH, IM NEEDY, SCARED, MARK SEZ I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT AND I DO IF ITS GOING TO EFFECT OR RELATIONSHIP, I WILL I JUST GOT TOO MANY THINGS GOING ON IN MY HEAD MORE THAN I THINK THE NORMAL JOE DOES, BUT I CANT HELP IT IF IT WAS EASY I WOULDN’T BE THE WAY I AM NOW, BUT I CANT STOP. WELL AS FOR ME AND MY DREAM IF I HAD THE CHANCE I DON’T THINK HE’D EVEN LET ME DO IT, HE’D HAVE ISSUES AND BE EMBARRASSED AND I COULDN’T DO THAT TO HIM, BUT I WOULDN’T BE EMBARRASSED PEOPLE WOULD PROBALEY HATE ME AND THINK IM A SKANK OR HOE OR WHATEVER BUT AT LEASTE I WOULD FINALLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, SO UNTIL THAN I’LL JUST BE ME, A NOBODY! I’LL LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT!

Well I just got back from Las Vegas after all the drama that has been happening around here I so needed to get away, the stupid pictures from the b party got out and into the wrong hands and it was just drama I know it wasn't my fault but I felt responsible for everything that happened I wish I wouldn't had thrown that stupid party, my friends got written up and Rosa got fired well it was other things that she had done too. But it was just too much and after all that she wasn't even thankful for shit that I did, ANYWAYS I was kinda feeling like I didn't want to go at first I was like oh god were gone have to hang out with them and I have to hear her bitchin but actually we didn't even hang out at all, the only time we spent together was just the day of the wedding and that was it actually all of us pretty much dud our own thing, Even Jorge and them and it was cool we got to do our own thing it was like we were on the vacation by ourselves. But we had fun me and mark partied like crazy I swear when we got back I couldn't even get back into reality I felt like I was still out of it. Well nobody wanted to do anything they sucked I swear they didn't wanna drink or anything I don't know why they were trying to be all innocent, I was like I don't care im in Vegas fuck it im gonna have fun and we did, We went partying on Friday and it was a different experience ive never tried it to hip hop at first it was kinda sorry but it was fun , everybody was on it, it was wierd and than it was funny because there were these 2 gay guys cute might I add trying to hit on my man, they were all trying to dance with him I was like hey. It was funny I swear there were nothing but guys no girls, and they were cute too. but oh well after we just went club hopping to Hard rock, and then some club called Drais it was cool they were playing good music but it was to bright in there so by that time my high was going down, so we were getting tired and we headed back to the hotel about 5, the day of the wedding we were running late and we were tired as hell it went by fast 15 minutes, then the reception it was cool we were supposed to all go out but again noone wanted to do shit, I couldnt even get them to drink I was like fuck it im gona go sit at the 5cent slots and pretend im playing and get some free drinks and we did, so we were getting drunk and after a while I was like seeya losers, they wanted to go back to the hotel allready, so we left and walked around it was cool. Well get this it was Playboys 50 anniversary and they were having like this big party all weekend so Friday we went to go check it out one of the playmates were selling her paintings and the only way to get into the party was to buy a pix or be vip so while I was pretending to buy one distracting the guy pretending I was rich, it was funny, Mark stole 2 tickets so we were being crazy. So the party was on saturday and we totally forgot about it I was so frusrtated with trying to get them to do something we forgot on sunday I remembered man we could have partied w/ Hugh Hefner Kid Rock was there a bunch of people so that sucked I was so mad at myself I did get to meet some of the playmates and get signatures that was cool, they were kinda plain they werent like really beutiful or anything. Man I wouldve died if I would have met Hugh Hefner I love him. So over all we had fun by ourselves next time I go there I have to make sure and go with people that like to party no more boring people. I don't know I swear I want to move so bad I hate it here so bad I come back to work and im like fuck same thing over again I don't know me and Mark I think are different from other couples we have to much life in us still I don't think we belong here I know were meant for bigger and better things, we want to do things w/ our life I do I hate it here so much I want to move but im scared and I know Mark would want too. i don't know theres just too much holding me back. What do I do? live my life for me or for others? This was strange we were walking down the strip late one night and this was after noone wanted to do anything I was upset and this lady comes out of nowhere and she comes up to me out of everybody, and sez can I give you a free reading and I was like well I don't have any money, she was like its ok and she told me that I look too much into the bad side of things to see the good things in life it was wierd it was like God reached down and talked to me I don't know it was wierd. So anyways I had fun and now im back here agian things are supposed to change but we'll see hopefully they will for the better im getting tired of the same bull stuff! haha well ok I have so much shit to do so back to work I go....

WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMING FOR THIS BREAKING NEWS... people have a life outside the agency!!!
Ok so I swear to fucken god, I am too fucken nice I am tired of being misses nice girl people dont fucken appreciate shit so ok I had that party on saturday and now theres big drama first of all, monday morning you know who and I wont mention any names because who the fuck knows who might read this shit well monday she walks in staright up is dogging everyone and yes me too "I knew I shouldnt have went, I told you not to throw it" blah blah ok not a thank you or shit! I swear everybody told me im not going for her because first of all noone likes her ass, she aint got no friends accept me and a few others, they told me im going for you. So we had fun I know she had fun it says it in the pix all over her face! I swear she was telling me all these stories about how she dont talk to her family they dont get along and im like now no fucken wonder she is straight up mean! and rude poor Karla she got it the worst she kept yelling at her. So she brought the pix to work so fucken what! the people that were there saw them haha they were funny and then she started tripping because people saw them ands now theres big drama "oh im gonna sue this agency! and if I wanted to I could sue karla too blah blah chill the fuck out! you should be happy we even did shit for you, but no so now I gotta go and hang out with these fools in Vegas for the weekend I dont even wanna go I dont know im just too dam nice I take it and dont say anything she like fucken Cybil nice to me one minute trippin the next I dont know what to do. Oh and than others better not even be given me shit I dont even wanna go there not trippin on monday and now trippin off me its not my fault I didnt fucken hold a gun to your head!

So I had this big bachellorette party at my house this Saturday we had so much fun I was hella fucked up I swear I don't even remember some of the shit that happened, we were looking at the pictures and Im like what? when did that happen? I did that? but oh well so everybody's like Yeh we had hella fun your house is bad, that was the funnest party ive been to blah blah so I do something nice for somebody and they dont appreciate shit! Everybody had fun accept the bride to be, yes she was trippin, and this is my friend ok let me tell you a little bit about her, she is very mean obnoxious, rude, straight out ghetto, and why do I hang w/ her I dont know? im just too nice I like her, and ive learned to ignore her but alot of people dont like her, and they told me im only going because of you, not her! So I wasnt even gonna throw it, but I did out of the kindness of my heart because she is paying for our hotel room in Vegas and all so I figuered i'll just throw her a surprise party who wouldnt like oneright! So a few people got a hold of the pictures and you know me I dont care! everybody knows how I am, but she straight out started tripping, "Oh I knew this was gonna happen I knew I shouldnt have went"! blah blah Joe's mad at you and im like girl wait a minute you better be greatful for what I did for you I went through alot, but shes not! I need to quit being so dam nice. Oh fucken well we all had fun! That is exactly what I needed I swear ive been stressing out at work and I needed to have fun. So were going to Vegas wed. were gonna take our own car we were gonna drive up with Maria and Joe but now im like na I think i'll take my own car, theres just people that you cant do certain things w/ you know. oh well its gonna be my vacation too so Im going to do what I want to do on my vacation time, and if they dont like it oh mutha fucken well. Me and Mark got plans allready to do stuff shhh! and if they dont like it oh well. Ok im getting mad I better quit. Whatever. Sunday I had the worst hangover ever I stayed home while everybody went to Rene's for his birthday. Ok time to go home by myself, Marks in LA today I hate when he leaves.

Its me again, I know I just have so much to say, so many thoughts in my crazy head, Well remember the guy I was talking about before the homeless man on my way home from work well he hasnt been there for the past few days, its wierd because I know he probabley thinks noone in this world cares about him and he probabley doesnt have the slighteset clue anyone even thinks about him or even cares about him, but I do in a wierd way, I just hope someone cares the same way about me. Like do you ever wonder who would go to your funeral if you were to die? Does anyone really care in this world? maybe thats why everything is so fucked up, because nobody gives fuck about anything! And its sad but sometimes I know I dont. I dont care if I call back these welfare clients or not. Thats bad, and I know I need to care more, but I dont.
So anyways since we are only taking half hour lunches from now on I cant really go down grandmas too much that sucks because that was my time to visit them and catch up on things u know. So we were there the other day and they finally sold some lot that theyve had in Reno like forever, there selling it for 40g and im glad I told them that we should go on vacation and enjoy things now that they have money. Well I hate admitting to myself that one day they wont be here anymore. I love them to death I would do anything for them, everyone else is always saying oh yeh well go visit them and they never do. And it makes me so mad that noone cares I would give my life for them and it hurts so bad to know that they arent going to live forever, I swear id rather go before them, just so I dont have to deal with being gone. I get so scared, like I was watching spiderman the other day and his uncle dies and im just crying my eyes out and Marks like whats wrong? but even now just thinking about makes me want to cry, They raised me and to me they are my parents, I cant imagine life without them, and for the very first time ever my grandpa told me he was proud of me. He has never told me that. I was so happy, everything Ive done was for them. That makes me happy now. Well on another note, today hasnt been good feeling shitty! havent started yet getting scared God I hope thats not why im feeling crappy......

So everyday on my way home I see the same man sitting on a bench in front of the library, I think he must be homeless because he always has a bunch of bags in his hands and he's real dirty looking, so on my way home yesturday I thought to myself, god I bitch about everything all the time my job, the things I dont have and I probabley have so much more than he does, im happy with the things I got I really am, I never thought id actually make it this far in life, as fucked up as I used to be! and why do people have to hate on you when you try to make something out of yourself, saying you think your better than everybody else! I never think im better than anybody else, if people really new me they would know that, I am the most self contious person ever. I hate everything about myself, The way I look, act, am. But this poor man he probabley wishes he had the things I have and all we do is bitch about it I need to look into myself more, and be happy with what I have people take things for granted all the time, I just dont understand people that are so materialistic, oh I gotta have Tommy Hillfiger, and Guess and Abercrombie and Fitch, and I have to shop at Macy's. I dont get it, does material wealth make us who we are? cuz if it did I'd be k-mart. Shit yeh I admit it I shop at K-Mart who cares so I buy 3 for one panties. And buy my shoes at the flea market yeh so. I dont know we live in America and we have so many rights and so many privilages, but yet we still dont get it. I suppose Im gonna have to get used to being were I am right now, and accept that I will (unforetuntely) never be famous, and as much as it hurts, i'll live. All I want out of this life is make a difference I dont know how, when, or where but if I die tommarrow knowing that I made a difference in at leaste on persons life id die a happy person. So until than I guess i'll just be.........

THOUGHT SOME OF YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS ONE!
New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''A'' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''B'' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees must have supervisors signature in writing, in thisexchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tics $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Under time $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management

Im am so pissed I was writing in here and I lost it on accident dam it, so im gonna have to start over again....So Effective immediately we are now taking only half hour lunches God I love my job! benefit cuts, half hour lunches, no internet access, crazy welfare clients! what more can I ask for, Thank god I secretly still have the internet, what else would I do work! I think not! I swear im serioulsy considering moving I am so sick of Stkn there aint shit ever to do everybody walks around with sticks up there asses, fucken acting like there mormans and better than everyone else, oooh I cant go to a bachelorette parties im not into that kinda thing, what your not into men? ooh I dont fart or get my hands dirty or take shits in the bathrooms! Cmon please! I swear people got issues! well I had a red bull todayI think im gonna lose it! So why do things need to be a certain way? when you get married your supposed to have children, call me selfish but shit I still have some partying years in me, I dont wanna get old and have to become a morman and donate all my money to them, it just sucks! I want so much to get out and do something with myslef but theres so many restrictions i should just say fuck it! and do it! Im so tired of dealing with ungrateful welfare clients. Day after day it gets worse and worse, same thing over and over when does it ever stop! The thought of working till I reach 65 sickens me! Why do we have to work to live. And they have all these fucken shows like on E! these stars flaunting there millions at us and all there shit that they have, like they were showing this rap star oooh he had like 5 cars a million dollar house blah blah, and im like who the fuck are these people and who buys there shit? Im mad at the world today. It trips me out how people are such followers. I need to invent something stupid and sell it to dam asses like myself, so I can become a millionaire too. Ok enough of that before I really get mad, so my weekend sucked like usual we stayed home i fell asleep on saturday night wich is really odd, and sunday I stayed home while marco went and watched the game with Jay and Silent Bob. woohoo! Well this weekend im having a surprise bachelorette party for my friend and hopefully everything goes good people say there going to go but you know everybodys a fucken prude! so i'll be by myself with the stripper getting drunk na we'll see how it goes, I cant wait until we go to Vegas.....

Today is wednesday I didnt go to work yesturday I just plain didnt feel like it, I swear its getting harder and harder to get up for work, shit the thought that I have to work for the next 30 years kills me fuck I still have a long way to go, why cant I be the lucky one to win the lotto I think this is a question we all ask ourselves but fuck I swear I have like the worst luck in the world, im just waiting till someting good happens, but until than i'll be here at my sorry ass jjob talking to crazy ass welfare clients. Sad huh! Well my weekend sucked big donkey nuts! i busted my ass all last week by myself, fixing the bathroom before Beto cam down, and he didnt even come and than me and Mark argued all saturday, because he was being a lazy ass not wanting to help me do shit! I love him to death and yeh he does a lot of shit for me but fuck he willnot help out with the house I have to do everything he wont clean for shit, the 15 minute cleaning up the kitchen I asked to do he couldnt do it so he made me hella mad! he sez that its the woman job to do the house stuff I dont know who the fuck taught him that shit but, I for 1 am not a fucken slave all I ask id for a little help, I know he does a lot for me but fuck just 5 minutes if his time is all I ask for. So yeh we didnt end up going to ingrids because we argued, and so my weekend was fucked up we didnt do shit, Sundat night we just went to Renes and kicked it Carlos and Eric were there it was cool the guys and me hung out, the other 2 ladies were inside doing god knows what, but of course no hi or bye or bitch I hate your ass, but than agian whats new, so we hung out smoked, and smoked some C it was cool me and Mark stayed up till 4 the next day it was cool. I felt kinda funny doing it in front of his brother I dont think he knows we do the stuff we do! so I was kinda scared he'd get mad. But oh well right so not much is going on not much ever goes on! I swear I need to get out I feel fucken trapped here im getting so sick of Stockton, I swear i wanna move hella bad, but u know my hang ups. Its making me depressed doing nothing being here all the time. and than theres the job thing fuck its boring, I serioulsy hate being behind a desk all day long I was watching monster garage and they had these ladies working in a garage on cars and stuff and they were cool I need to do something like that, maybe i'll take some classes or something, I swear I mustve been a boy in one of my past lives cuz I hate this girly shit I need to get out and do something else with my life I need to get off my fat ass and do something, What I dont know!Well soon we will be in Las Vegas thank God ! I cannot wait to get outta here so I look forward to that. so ok i better get my ass back to work so until next time....

Have you ever smelled something that it reminded you of a certain time or place or someone? I was putting some of my friends lotion on my ashy ass legs this morning and the smell took me back to Marshall Middle school 7th grade reminding me of my old dorky boy friend Jacob and 1st period social studies, weird huh how something like that can take you back in time, well at leaste for me it does, it feels like im young again. So ok anyways nothing much going on just here trying to take advatage of my internet access since I have it for now. Well this weekend was allright didnt do much went to the fair with the family on Sunday. Oh and friday get this shit ok so you know how me and Mark were having issues with the bro and house and stuff so ok I gave in and said to myslef i'll go help out and because the bro did ask us to help him put up there crown mouldings since we put our own up, right so I go and we get there noone was there I dont know where they were, but we started out putting them up and an hour goes by they finally get there she walks in and doesnt say anything to me and her brother and sister are there and what do they bring in Carona's and im like ok I came to help out and they get there dont say shit and are standing around drinking carona's I was like heck no im not gonna do shit and they're partying! and even Mark was like yeh your right and the dad said it too! so I dont know they've been there 2 weeks havnt even moved in yet the only thing they've done was paint the living room and now theyre barely finishing the bathroom, I feel bad for them I seriously dont think they're ready for a house, all they wanna do is party and her sister is standing around drinking and im like ok noones doing anything. So saturday we went to go finish and im there helping and a fucken hammer falls on my head I swear I thought I cracked my head open I wanted to pass out and Mark was laughing at me ok so it was a little funny but still hammers are falling on my head and she still didnt say thanks or anything. (and our birds heads are faling off hahaha)So yeh I did my part and now I can go to heaven haha no but serioulsy its just bull so whatever! Im not gonna worry about them anymore! Its there problem. So other than that shit nothing much happening this weekends labor day weekend thank god! my friend Juan is supposed to come down hopefully we'll go out Oh yeh I figuered out I have a bigger sex drive than my husband now how did that happen? I thought men always wanted to have sex? so im having issues im not feeling pretty is it that? he wont tell me, of course he tells me im beautiful and all but still what is it? am I just a horny toad? haha oh well we'll see. ok time to get back to work........

So it sucks to be back at work when youve been so far away, we finally went to LA. we had fun we went because Beto had a house warming party, and of course to pick up my furniture, it was cool even though we had a bad start the train was delayed an hour so we didnt end up leaving until about 4:00 and it took so fucken long for us to get there weve tooken the train before and it took about 7 hours but shit it was one delay after another, it took forever we didnt end up getting there until about 11:30. We wanted to go see Freddy vs. Kruger that's what Marco kept calling it, they had a showing at 12:15 but we missed it so we just went home and watched tv. Saturday was cool we got to meet Kevins family his mom and sister they were really nice I liked them alot. His mom was funny talking about her trip to Costa Rica all night. And we met all his co workers and friends they were nice I got along really good with them. We just drank and talked Vero was there and Manina Vero brought her baby she was cute Marco was holding her I think he was getting the father calling im glad he's good with baby's my ass was too scared to even hold her. I know he'll be a good father one day, far far away! So we mingled blah blah than after everybody left we tried to go see Freddy vs Jason again but again it as sold out our luck we didnt really go clubbing though I wanted to, but we were all tired so we watched movies and ate oh my God I must have gained back all my weight I had been suffering for 3 weeks to gewt rid of, I shouldve know going to Beto's I was gonna eat alot he always feeds us. Sunday me and Mark just went to the beach kicked it the guys had to go to some birthday party so we went and did our own thing. And than finally we got to see Freddy vs jason it was good me a horror fanatic I thought it was gonna be corny but I liked it they mixed the two in very well 2 thumbs up! well that was our weekend we left monday morning, over all it was cool just being away from Stockton im so sick of Stockton! I swear one of these days I wanna move outta here its so fucken boring and there aint shit ever happening. Well I know this is strange but me and Mark had this incredible experience unlike never before, weve made love of course not just sex or a fuck but this was unlike anything weve ever experienced like true true love making i know sounds funny and all but it was so emotional like we wanted to cry, it was different ive never felt that way before and him eighther. Like a new sorda feeling, its scary to think that one day one of us wont be around any more, I dont think I could ever live without him. I dont ever wanna feel like that ALONE! again. So we made a pact to go together we asked God to take us both at the sametime yeh were wierd but the thought is too scary. I love him too much and can't imagine life w/ out him. weve been together 6 years now and it still feels like new, when your in love nothing else matters. I hope everyone can feel the way I do someday.......

I know another week of the same bull shit, boy I hate that im getting tired of hearing myself saying another monday over and over but hey, Well my weekend sucked Marco has been going over his bro everyday helping out, and ive been at home by myslef still refusing to help, so he's been going down there the past 4 days friday I stayed home all night by myself he said he was gonna be back in an hour and I watched THEY, FRIDA, and PUNCH DRUNK LOVE. so that was a little more than an hour I think so I was there watching Frida very good movie, I kinda felt like her like an artist again I wanted to get up and go paint something, and she drank alot so Im home by myself depressed and so I started to drink by myself before I knew it I had a whole bottle of spumante that had been sitting in the fridge for a couple of months and 2 shots of tequila so by the time Marco came home I was feeling pretty good. I dont even remember how we got into an argument or what happened but we did and I began to have a nervous breakdown, I started to feel things I hadnt felt in years I hate to write this because I know someone will read it and say dam this girl is crazy, so I wont go into detail but to tell you the truth I cant even remember what I was even crying about I think sometimes we all need to just let it all out and Ive just been feeling like I have so much emotion built up in me and I needed to let it all out so thats what I did, I feel so bad for Marco he doesnt know what to do when I get like that and I hate to hurt him. I sware as you get older you get more lonely. I dont have a brother or sister that calls me all the time or parents that have bar-b -ques, I guess sometimes I admit I do get jelous. But lately Ive been having these feelings I used to have when I was younger that lonely, somethings missing feeling. I love Marki to death and I cant thank God enough that I have him, but its more than just him, its me. I dont know what to do. So saturday I had a little bit of an hangover and I felt depressed so we stayed home all day watched t.v. and my friends were supposed to come over but of course they faked Summer and her woman came over she was allright she looked liked she wanted to go home, I dont blame them noone showed up except Cam and Fed and Nikki so we played a little 3 man and Summer left so we just watched a movie and that was it. Noone wants to do anything anymore I guess everyones getting old or somethin I dont know. And i was so pissed because I told Mark that we were having people over and his brother was having a bar-b-que at his house so of course he left me I had to clean the whole house myself and he didnt even come back to hella later. It was just not a good weekend. Well hopefully this weekend will be better were going to L.A. Beto is having a house warming party and im finally bringing my furniture back so hopefully this weekend will be better. Well everybody has those days and I have been haveing them for a while but i'll be ok like they say God never gives us more than we can handle........

So here am I am just writing as fast as I can because were no longer gonna have internet access at work pretty soon I dont know I guess people like me spend too much time on it, haha but what else am I to do to make the fucken long ass day go by Work?? So not much going on same ole shit you know when you live in a small town like I do there aint ever shit to do accept go to the movies or eat at the same place everyone esle does Applebees or Chilis and laugh at all the stupid white people trying to look cool. So we havnt actually been doing much and im about lose it I need to get outta here, last year we were always in San Fransisco hanging out with the fellas clubbing but I dont know ever since the "incident" in Januray we havent really done shit I dont know why its not like I wanna stop doing drugs, but for some reason I cant get a hold of them every fucken time we wanted to it was like we couldnt get shit like it isnt meant to be I dont know maybe its a way of telling me not to do anything? oh well, its just been so boring! like the same day over and over you know? Well weve been saving money for Maria's wedding next month so thats a good thing were going to Las Vegas I cannot wait so that'll be good a bunch of us from work are going and Maria's paying for our hotel room cool huh? so im planning her a bachelorette party at my house next month that'll be fun so there is tuff going to be happening pretty soon thank God or else I will be dying of boredom in stockton oh and then were finally going up to LA next week to get my shit I cant wait its been there for almost 2 months its gonna look so cool in my room. Ok so enough rambleing about stupid shit, me and Mark have been on this grapefriut diet for 2 weeks, my friend here at work was on it she lost 40 pounds so im hopeing to lose something, I feel a little bit trimmer my stomach isnt popping out as much but I still feel fat! I dont think i'll ever be happy with my body! so whats new, my bro in law moved into his new house its got potential I suppose but its really old nothing in the house has been updated since like 1970 whoever lived there before was really dirty cuz its hella dirty so they have alot of work to on it! so we were there the other day if I say so myself I did put in there front door lock im good Marco didnt even know how to do it, and I didnt get a thank you. My bro in law was saying how he wants to paint it and decorate it and im thinking man she aint got no say in anything because shes wasnt giving any thoughts or anything, if it were me id be like hell no were doing it like this and that, shit not even myhoney had any say in the decorating of my house ok well just a little but still, I dont know she just does everything he tells her which is kinda sad, its wierd I know there gonna get married and all and eventually we'll have to get along but she never talks to me I dont think im that hard to talk to im pretty cool shit I will never judge you or tell you your stupid but I dont know its just wired with us, so im happy for my bro in law and everything and he's all asking so are you guys going to come help us and im thinking in my head hell no! when did you guys help us do shit, NEVER! not for the wedding not when we moved in our house we did everything ourselves I know that sounds bad but thats how it is. Well get this I was looking around there house and I found this book guess what it said "Haunted Houses in California" woe I was looking at it and I dont know why they thought it was mine but I guess they got kinda scared because ther doors kept shutting by themselves, that was wierd, so I left the book and they brought to my house and left in the mailbox I was like why did they do that? they thought it was mine I was like yeh right like id really take that over there so I guess they got scared i was like great bring your ghosts over here. na but I had this dream that there house was haunted and that they found muddy foot steps all on the floor wierd huh! so ok thats it thats all I have to say so hopefully next time itll be more interesting and who knows when ill be able to write again if they take my lovely internet access away so until than keep on trucking hahah!

Hello things are not going good at all this week I passed out at work the day but im ok now I know I need to go to the doctor but I hate going, I freaked everyone out at work I had to tell them I was ok and what I had, but things are cool but now im starting to get sick I feel like shit i couldnt sleep all last night, and than when I did I had this wierd dream that I was in my bed like as if it were real but I felt a ghost trying to rape me it seemed so real like a night terror were you think your awake and I kept seeing it like shadows in my room it was wierd. Well last friday my aunt Mary past away she was old like 90 something it was her time. And than this morning we got news Augie's wife or whatever she was, died in a car accident. I think she was out drinking or something, its sad but I never met her in the whole time ive been w/ Marki I guess hse didnt get along w/ the family cuz she was never ever around, Mark said she wouldnt even like taking care of the kids augie always had them I know he'll be a good a father its sad but she got what she wanted in a way. So i was telling my Karla and she said things always happen in 3 and so my grandma calls me and said that they were taking grandpa to the hospitol to have a blood transfusion so now im freaking out you know how I get when it comes to the grandparents i'll die! but he's had a few before so im sure he'll be ok so thats my week...crazy huh? yeh last Sunday we all went to ranch seco to swim it was Marki's dads birthdya it was cool we actually bonded we were laughing together at Betty's farts it was funny It was cool he usually never talks to me so I was happy maybe it was because he was drunk oh well its ugly outside today it looks like its gonna rain, is that a bad sign? scary oh well Thank God tomarrow is friday so now its time to go home im gonna sleep sp until next time ....

Another Friday it'll go by fast and before you know it i'll be saying dam another fucken monday. oh well i'll takeit as it comes..so im here at work chillin trying to finish up some shit so when fucken monday does come around I wont be so dam buisy. Oh well so this weekend Mark has 2 D.J. jobs on saturday so hell be buisy all day me all I wanna do is sleep i cannot wait!! and than Sunday is Marks dads birthday so were all going to some Lake and were supposed to talk about Rene's wedding that'll be interesting....They're planning on going to Lake Tahoe thank God! well everythings been cool I am just getting so dam frustrated with my weight I swore I would never get fat after I got married and now look at me now I am a big fat married hefa! I dont know what happened I used to be able to put my mind to it and just lose wieght easy but now dam its like the hardest thing I try and try but fuck! I cant Its always shi ra soni or CoCo Ro or Chilis! and Marks ass be eating pizza in front of me Its so hard I swear im ready to go to fat camp! every night I struggle what the fuck am I gonna wear tomarrow I dont fit in anything Allthough its strange but I grew some clothes that i have are like high watters on me wierd huh! well im gonna start this new diet monday and see what happens we both are! I would rather die than be fat I wanna fell sexy and look good for my husband I'll never live my goal of being Playboy centerfold or miss fitness America like Kiana Tom I just wanna be beutiful but I never will I look at myself and I wanna barf im like yuk!!! its hard! maybe i'll never like myself?? oh well back to work.....

I keep having this dream that I have a baby hippo so I checked it out and heres what it said=Hippopotamus=This clumsy animal in its native habitat signifies a dangerous rival or hostile competitor; in captivity (or in a zoo) it forecasts a period of frustration or boredom which will require real initiative and energy to overcome...hmmm /,
I dont know Do I have enemies or something? Im sure I do, Oh well.

So aunt Mary past away thursday we went to the funeral yesturday it was sad there wasnt that many people I guess she out lived all her friends she was 92 woe thats old i cant imagine living that old I cant even imagine living to 40. its crazy. The priest said this sad little passage from the bible it made me cry I cant help think about my grandparents I dont know what ill do if something would happen to them, they're practicaly my parents, my everything its so hard to lose someone, I know everyone dies, and I know theres another place much better than this but can you imagine never seeing them again, never touching them, never talking to them again! I dont think I could be strong enough to handle something like that. I know this is crazy but I Do Not see myself living long I have this date and age when I supposed feel is my time its wierd, I wonder who would go to my funeral would people care, and miss me? I suppose so. Death is crazy. Well on another note not much has been happein just getting ready for Maria's wedding in Vegas im excited now I gotta throw her a bridle party and a bachelorette party woo hoo, she's paying for our hotel and dress so I aint trippin I owe it to her to have a cool party. Well we didnt do much this past weekend shopped drank I drank all weekend there wasnt nothing else to do, Markis trying to get his d.j. thing going so we did that its extra money, this weekend he's booked again woopy. It has been crazy at work I usually hat etalking about work but I have been crazy buisy I dont even have time to take a shit anymore some bullshit H.S.A has me doing i mean it is for a good purpose and all but fuck I like my internet time, give me a freakin break! oh well allrighty enough bull time to get back to work....

Have you ever wake up in the morning and looked at yourself in the mirror and didnt recognize yourself? Well the past couple of days ive just been feeling wierd I dont recongnize myself I look different, feel different its almost as if I feel numb! nothings funny! nothings sad!nothings happy! I feel like im still dreaming and nothing really matters, like I run naked and noone would care! sounds wierd I know I just dont feel myself. I keep thinking that something is wrong like im waiting for something bad to happen. I dont know maybe im just loosing it! The other day I was at grandmas just chillin laying on my old bed thinking about all the times ive spent in that room with my friends, with loved ones all the funny times we had, all the bad things I did, and I cant believe how time flies by so fast I never thought id be were i am right now, married, with my own house life is strange. My husband says I think too much and I do I cant help myself I think about everything What its like to be someone else? shit like that. When your young days seem like months , months seem like years, you never imagine you'll be an adult until you become one, and its so hard! I wish I can go back and just live one day as a kid, but I cant and then when you get older everyday seem the same? I need to do something with my life I feel like its passing me by so fast and I still havent accomplished shit! Im not happy with what I do but than again who the fuck is right! I know that I dont give 100% everyday but I always told myself I would never get a job sitting my fat ass behind a desk all day long working on a computer and look at me now im such a girl. I want to be out there creating, building, working with my hands doing what? I dont fucken know just something else. I still not even half way accomplished my goal with my body i have a long way and it sucks knowing that ill never do what I really want or be what I really want to! Why because im such a fucken scardey cat! I have this image of who I want to be and no matter how I try or what I do, I cant be that person! I guess thats what dreams are for huh? Well I suppose ill live. Strange Days.... Well this weekend we didnt do much were poor right now mortgage, bills you know, were actually thinking about buying another house to rent out that is. Maybe refinance and put money down on another house I think its a good idea I guess you can never go wrong in realestate its scary but I think it'll be all worth it in a few years we'll sell both and buy a big house with a pool that would be cool. I dont intend on telling anyone though you know people just get wierd, Im not a show off I dont brag about the shit I have I thank God for the thing I do have I never thought id actually get this far but people have issues, like when we first bought our house noone wanted to come visit us! you know shit like that, and no I would not rent to family to many issues there but who knows we'll see were still not sure if we wanna do that. Well Ive been thinking about throwing a party maybe next month, Hot august nights! sounds good tome we havnt done much this summer I think its time for a party dont you?
allrighty ive got so much shit to do especially after they added to my to do list! so until next time...

THESE LITTLE LYRICS SAY IT ALL ......
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah,i thought I could leave but couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishin that i
Would die
It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot’s a permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life’s a journey not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen to all that righteous talk
I was out on the street,
Just tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive!

Why are Mondays always the hardest to face? I know everybody feels the same on Sunday night getting your shit together for the week dreading what it may bring you, and hating with everything getting up in the morning! its like the same thing over and over, when are things going change? when is my luck gonna be just a little good? I dont know it seems like never and Mondays dont make it any easier. Well I had a buisy weekend, but let me just get this off my chest first Why are people so fucken ignorate? In this day in age I would think that peoples way of thinking and everything evolving from the stone ages when woman and man were what was supposingly right and all we knew. Why do people still think in one closeed mind little way? So my sister in law and bro-in law came over for dinner you know who else too...and we got into this conversation about something and I cant believe how ignorate he is im sorry I know hes family now and everything but dam boy is such an ignoramous!!! we were all talking and my sis-in law was trying to talk to him but he would not listen saying stupid shit like "oh I think there sick in the head and they need to see a psychatrist", like whatever! And what makes me so mad is that Mark dont say anythinglike hes on his side and I get mad like how can you say that when you know you dont think like that at all! I love Mark becuase he has an open mind about things hes not ignorate about shit hes sees people for who they are not for what they do! and thats one of the reasons why I love him so much, but yet he tells him another thing And im like what?! Im like I know he looks up to you why else would he be trying to buy a house and et married he's his older brother he needs to teach him not to be like that to see it from another point of view I dont know people are so set in there ways its so hard to talk to them how can you teach someone about things when there so fucken hard headed well I was like we need to quit before I get mad so we did. And you know im sorry I dont care who it is the pope, my momma, whatever im not gonna let somebody affend me or the people I love in my own house, people need to stand up for what they believe and that's just what I did, I feel really sorry for him beacause he's gonna miss out on alot and miss out on having what can be really good friends. I am so happy for my friends they gave me a better life they taught me to see things in such a wonderful way and opened me up to a life that brought me joy and of course good times... I feel really bad for people like him they dont know what there missing. So Sex and the City came on and that was the end of that Thank God, ok so the weekend we went to the movies to see Charlie's Angels and Legally Blonde they were good we went to grandpas birthday watched the fireworks, went to Marks family thing it was allright. man the weekend flew by and here I am again here at work putting all my work aside oh well I guess i'll just see what the week ahead brings me so until than......

Goodmorning nothing much going on on this end just looking forward to the 3 day weekend so much going on this weekend party aftert party, so ok I had this awful dream last night, here it goes I was dreaming that I was going to some classes like acting classes or something and there was this guy who kept looking at me I new him but couldnt remember who he was and in my dream I new I was dreaming like I was having an out of body experience like im looking at myself sleeping so anyways, in my dream im sleeping and im dreaming that im walking down this long hall way and there's doors on each side of the hall and I go into every room and I see all these things that have happen to me when I was a kid like they were old memoris hidden in side of me locked up behind doors, and I start freaking out because all the awful memories are just flashing before my eyes, like in a movie. So in the morning im driving down the street with my family and I start to lose it like I go crazy because I start to remember who he and there trying to calm me down but im crying hysterical I go home and look at this old picture that I have of him and its him but looks different so I go to my classes hes there looking at me strange and I go to my teacher and tell her that Im not going to be going there anymore and she asks me why and im crying telling her why and I beg her to please dont say anything but she doesnt listen to me she goes up to him and starts talking to him and he starts to look at me crazy and I start to run and hide and he's chasing me like hes going to hurt me but he doesnt find me. All this time I keep hearing his name Its Leonard, but I dont know any Leonard, I know who he is his real name is Ramon. I dont know it ends there him chasing me and I wake up freaked out because I have all these memories now, I can remember everything he did to me I started crying I dont know its wierd I feel sometimes like im going to lose my mind. I went down my moms house the other day and Tommy was there I tripped out my dad was like you remember Tommy right I wanted to run the fuck out of there I didnt know what to do I was like uuuuhh yeh and took off It pisses me off like why do they still talk to him I dont understand? I know they probley dont know any better but why? I dont know I have all these past memories haunting me and there just there I cant forget and now more than ever I cant forget im like haunted by my own memories what do I do? maybe I need to see a counselor? I did when I was young I had alot of issues with my parents, the past im confused.
Well on another note I got in a car accident yesturday yes my stupid shoe slipped off the break and accidentally rolled into the car in front of me im so stupid and to top it off the lady was hella ghetto trying to say I cracked her the top of her car my car didnt even hit her there it wasnt that bad i just barely knicked her so thats my drama to crazy. Welp gots to get back to work so off I go.

Man how time flies I havnt even had the time to write anything in here, so lets see whats happened hmmm gosh nothing much actually, welll this past weekend me and some of my coworkers went to San Francisco to the gay pride bash they had it was cool, Summer was excited she bought everthing, and came out a little more checking girls out telling me which ones she thought were pretty, I was surprised, and just to let you know Ive always know you were funny styles,(not a bad thing) along with my other gay crazy issue having friend, must be my gaydar. But its all good dont trip chocolate chips be who you are we love you no matter what, dont be afraid of what people say I try no too, even though I have red, blue, purple hair who cares, oh and for that person who dont like me, dont talk too me, its a trip how someone can hate you and want so much to be like you, girlfriend red hair is so last month its all about purple ok! so anyways I fell for people and I totally suuport my gay friends on whatever they choose who am I to say whats wrong and right, for that matter who is anybody to choose what we can do with our lives. Well anyways we kicked it down town saturday night checking out all the fine mens dancing on the rooftops naked mama likey! My friends were telling me how much they like My husband they were tripping off how hes so cool with everything, I guess theres not too many straight men that are cool with it shit he be buying men drinks and im like honey there gonna think your hitting on them, but hes dorky like that he dont think that way he thinks hes just being nice, I guess thats why I love him so much he doesnt trip off shit, unlike other people that new we were going they were like "ewwww you rgoing over there!" yeh so but I love him cuz hes got a kind heart and sees people not for what they are but for who they are. And to that person who thinks hes gay believe me he likes the panocha! sorry to burst your bubble but your man is so gay! haha I hope this never falls in to the wrong hands. Anyways we had a good time the parade was cool all sorts of crazy people! naked and shit with no shame hey I couldnt do it but more power to you for having the balls literally having the balls! well that was my weekend im sure my homies will be talking about for a while, guys you need to get out more! well this weekend should be interesting birthdays family reunions I really dont wanna go but I have no choice Why are families so unbareable sometimes? you have to love them but dam they get on my nerves flaunting there shit like there better than you, ooh you have a nice car ooh you have a nice ring! ohh I make a lot of money! who fucken cares your all miserable! with your gay husbands and in the closet selves and wanna be red hair! i know I better shut up im talking too much shit but thats families for ya only out for themselves and only come around when they want something! Well on another note guess What???????? Im gonna be a mother!!!
haha fooled ya na actually Turbo is gonna be a father soon my friend has a girl pom and were gonna breed them I cant wait there gonna be so cute! so if any one wants one let me know oh yeh we also do a Dj business so if anyone needs one call me! allrighty time to actually work so until next time seeya!

Isnt he cute! man its been a while since ive written anything for my few readers lets see if I can catch you up on my boring life, well I just got back from vacation me and my honey decided to take a week off for our 2 year anniversary, wow! I cant believe it I keep thinking we got married last year, its been cool although married life is hard! but when your in love you know everythings gonna be ok. Since I dont like to fly we ended up going to LA again which is cool I finally got my Indian furniture I know ive been obsessed with getting the right furniture for my room, but my house is the only thing that I have thats worth anything and I like to make it reflect a part of me. We had fun went shopping hung out with my friend and his man, its a trip how long weve been friends all of us Mark, Beto, Indgrid its cool how weve all grown up together and still till this day still remain friends after all the times weve fought and hated eachother I still love them now a days its hard to keep friends that long, I love them, I really do there like the gay brothers ive never had, and hopefully we'll stay friends forever. Well coincedentaly Marks mom and family were going to San Diego too so they had plans allready to go to some casino so we tagged along it was cool we went swimming at night, got in the hacuzzi, and of course gambled a little I never win its such a conspiracy I swear like im really gonna get 20 each time whatever i hate casinos the house always wins! We also went to TJ. that was not so cool I cant go to places like that I get so emotional I wanna help everyone, I swear we were walking down the street I see these 2 little kids dirty alone, and I start to cry, I get so emotional I feel so bad for them and we complain the things we dont have, were so fortunate we just dont know! Friday night we went to San Fransisco it was cool its the 3rd time that we went and didnt get anything, were like how did that dorky ass dude get shit and we didnt? I need a new hook up! but it was cool, Sat. we went to Faces I got drunk made a fool of myself like usual but it was all worth it, I like making people feel good about themselves when im drunk, like ill tell them there beautiful i was telling these 2 guys and they were getting all happy it was pretty funny.I had fun i think that was the most fun ive ever had oh chata and her man went to that was funny! Boy did I have the biggest hang over the next day that sucked I felt bad cuz it ws Fathers day and all but I was too sick to go anywhere.over all it was cool and now im back at work with the same shit agian oh well thats life I guess! so until next time seeya!

So I didnt get to sleep that great last night, and when I finally did I had this nghtmare about these vampires trying to get me. I actually havent slept good in a couple of days sometimes ill be ok and sometimes ill toss and turn all night I actually slept all the way through the other day, woke up at 5 in the morning thats very rare of me. I guess im paranoid i dont know why I do these things to myslef but ill watch like scary movies and laugh at Mark for being a wuss and than ill be all paranoid he gets mad at me im like a moth to a bug light you know its bad but you do it anyways. Well Mark was gone last night so I worked on my scrap book when hes gone is the only time I can do things even though I hate being by myself I wish I could be a little more indepandent im such a scardy cat! Well not much going on were taking off next week for our Anniversary I cant wait we dont have any plans just yet were thinking on going to San Diego, maybe LA., TJ. go by my cabinet for sure this time, I keep thinking we barely got married last year time goes by so fast we were actually 6 years on May 21 it doesnt feel that long, feels like yesturday we used to park behind the school and make out haha fun times! I love him just as much I did in the begining if not more, I guess there is someone out there for everyone, I never thought id find that person but love comes in strange ways, who wouldve thought wed be married crazy huh? Oh yeah I forgot to mention I got another letter from my stalker, hes this guy whos been writing me ever since we moved into our house 2 years ago I have no idea who he is he used to be in this gang my ex used to be in but I dont remember him, hes now in some mental institution because he got in some train accident or something, he obviously knows who I am he used to write me all the time talking to me like we were together in his crazy mind. Mark had to call the place and talk to them and hes not supposed to write me and he didnt for a long time until I got another letter from him yesturday I cant even understand it some bull shit about him wanting to be with me after he gets out I dont know, yeh I get scared cuz he knows were I live and all but hes supposingly not getting out for a long time, thats what they said, so if one day they find me dead his name is Elias, no im being dumb! anyways time for lunch peace out!....

4:50 Almost time to go home I thought id just write a little before i go home, well I was just sitting here listening to my friends talk and all of a sudden I got the overwhelming feeling like I wa gonna pass out a scary De ja vu, thats usually happens when im gonna pass out I got freaked out I didnt know what to do I just sat here breathing sweatin like crazy, I dont know whats happening to me, its problay all the red bull I drink my supervisor would tell me that. But I thank God didnt im ok I dont know what it is but I cant get myself to go to the doctor they'll just tell me the sam ebull shit like last time, but im ok for now, well ive been having these strange feelings about a friend of mine I wont say who, but I had this wierd dream the other day that this person raped me so ever since than Ive been totally creeped out by them, I dont wanna hang out with this person or even talk to them, and I was forcefully talking to this person earlier and this person knows my husband is gonna be gone tonight so they asked me (there calling me as i speak im not answering yikes!) if i wanted to hang out with him, I had to think of something and say I was buisy, but I dont know why im feeling creeped out by this person, wierd vibes!!! I dont know maybe im just trippin. Ok well anyways I had a cool weekend we hung out with the cousins on friday night weve been doing a sex and the city fridays well do the last disk this friday and its gonna be wierd because the last episode is about a gay guy who gets married, and everyone knows hes gay, hmmm well im gonna be on vacation next week so im trying to get things finished up here, I cannot wait I dont even know what were gonna do its our 2 year anniversay next Monday June 9 wow! maybe we'll go to LA or San Diego, TJ i dont know all I know is I need a vacation!!!!

Time goes by so fast, its allready tuesday the 27th of May im allready 26 years old I never thought id be this old, I found this old journal that I had from 1994, I was still in High School at the time and oh my God im reading all the shit my ex put me threw and Im wondering "What the Hell was I thinking"? He put me through so much shit, called me a bitch all the time, he hit me, humiliated me in front of everyone all the time! and I took it all I was so stupid I dont know I think back and I get so mad at myself I had someone else that treated me nice was cute, and good to me and I chose that asshole over him, I cant help but think back and wonder what would have became of our relationship if I wouldve stayed with him instead of my asshole ex boyfriend. Why do we always choose whats bad for us? My cousin was going through the same thing recentley and people would tell her all the time why did you stay with him when all he did was hurt you? And I understand why she did it. Its like an addiction you know its bad for you but you cant stop! Its almost like you need it like drugs, I think back at all the pain he put me through and I thought thats what love was, I guess you have to go through these things and find out for youreslf whats right and whats wrong for you, I just get so mad at myself all those years that I waisted, I was so unhappy. if I had one wish I wish I can go back and change everything! that night when I heard "Open Arms" I regret it so much. Im afraid that im going to make those wrong choices agian now, not with my relationship, but with things in life, I feel like im waisting my life away here at work I know im not giving my all, I feel like I dont belong here,like im supposed to be somewhere else doing what I love, am I making those wrong choices inlife again? and will I regret it later in life? I saw the Matrix this weekend and its very strange it has alot to do with life and what the meaning of it all is! I think its LOVE its what makes the world go round right? I guees you can say we live in the Matrix, like this life isnt real. It said that everyone is here for a reason, I know im here for more than just sitting all day on my ass behind a desk, I just cant seem to figure out what that reason is, Have you ever heard of an emotional Vampire? well they suck out human emotions and energy's strange I know but for some reason I think this is what i am I know it sounds crazy, but I look at people all the time and I feel ther pain like I can feel what there going through like I can here there thoughts, I know this sounds crazy but I know im here on earth for some strange reason, someone once told me if you have a problem ask the bible open it up to any page and there will be yuor answer. I did this once and my answer was to help people. But how can I when I cant even help myself or find the answer to my own questions? Life is difficult so many questions not answered. My problem is im scared I dont know why, I grew up not being taught anything I grew up teaching my self all I know, my parents are both mentally disabled and I dont blame God for anything, yeh I do wish I had someone to teach me things but thats how my life was, learning everything on my own, and Ive made many many mistakes, I just dont wanna do it again so im having all these regrets and thinking that I need to do something with my life, Dont be stupid like me think about life and the decisions you have to make because one day your going to wake up and regret what you didnt do! Sometimes life sucks! sometimes work sucks! and sometimes relationships suck, but dont let life pass you by! dont end up like me scared and confused!
Well on another note enough of my psycho babble I had a good weekend just chilled went to the City on friday night with the family we had fun we didnt end up getting anything though that sucked! my bro in law faked "Whats up with that you dissed us homie"? I know how it is when you get a boyfriend....well the rest of the weekend we chilled no money to spend since our car was stolen and all, but it was cool, well ok enough babbleing gots to get back to work so until next time......

Good morning I am so fucken happy today is friday, were all planning on going out to the big city tonight cant wait for my mind trip to be on, its been a while it feels so lovely! Well "the Mormons" were supposed to go I try and I try with them but nothing they just dont give in, like we were at there house all drinking playin 3 man and im trying to get them to have a goog time and they did for a while and then they went and sat down on the couch they were tired allready, for those of you who dont know who "The Mormons" are its my cousin and her "gay" husband we used to kick it alot before do all sorts of bad things, go out, stay out all night, and they had a kid and I know you have to settle down for a while and shit but they like became like Mormons and shit, (they're not really mormons) dont wanna do nothing, (i hope this doesnt happen to us)and then get this shit everyone knows hes hella gay right, he wears Abercrombie and makeup, loves Madonna hes like one of the gayest guys I know, so he came out like last year was talking to someone on the internet and everything, we were so happy fro him, he told his whole family, we knew it was just a matter of time until it was gonna happen and than, he went back in said he had mixed emotions and is not gay anymore we were like what? I dont know maybe they do love eachother and all but hes always gonna be gay, "Can a gay man love a woman'? I dont know they were like highschool sweet hearts and I think they never got the chance to be with anyone else he never got a chance to explore his sexuality, sad this is! we took them to a gay club a few times they freaked out they were standing in the corner by the door all hugged up! so anyways thats there story Sad huh? so yeh I got a little hurt when they said they weren't gonna go but I kinda understand why, Its just I threw this huge party for her birthday spent hella money on her and now they're like we dont have any money! Ok dont give me excuses just say you dont wanna go right! well so now my "fairy godmother is going"! haha im gonna be like well you said you didnt wanna go so I replaced you! oh well enough of them Im gonna have a good time without them! Today were haveing a pot luck at work we get 2 hours, but were going out shhhh! Yesturday I tried a prozac pill, my friend Andy gave it to me he takes them so I was like let me try it, I wanted to see how it felt, and oh my God it is cool I swear I felt like I was on drugs well I was but you fell like you love everyone kinda like X its cool I need to get me some, ok well enough goofing off gots to get back to work until next time........