SEPTEMBER 29, 03

I HAVE THIS GOAL IN LIFE, AND IM NOT ASHAMED OF IT, ILL TELL YOU IF YOU ASK, YEH SO I WANT TO BE A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD, ITS CRAZY AND DIFFERENT, NOT YOUR EVERYDAY SORDA DOCTOR SORDA THING BUT, ITS JUST SOMETHING IVE WANTED FOR A LONG TIME, AND IT’S A DREAM OF COURSE, A DREAM I WILL NEVER FULLFILL PROBABLEY BUT IT DOESN’T HURT TO DREAM RIGHT, EVERYONE DOES IT…WETHER YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR OR ASTRONAUT OR WHATEVER BUT FOR ME ITS BECAUSE I HAVE A SELF CONFIDENCE ISSUE, I THINK THE NAKED BODY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING AND ITS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASED ABOUT IF YOU HAVE IT, FLAUNT IT, ITS LIKE AN ART, I DON’T KNOW YESTURDAY ME AND MARK WERE TALKING ABOUT IT AND HE KNOWS THAT IT’S A DREAM THAT I HAVE, AND HE KNOWS THAT I WILL UNFORTUNETLEY NEVER GET THERE BUT , I TOLD HIM IMAGINE I DID GET THE CHANCE WOULD HE REALLY LET ME KNOWING THAT FRIENDS, AND FAMILY WOULD SEE ME IN THE FLESH, AND HE SAID TO ME WOULDN’T I BE EMBARRASED? AND I WOULDN’T BE ITS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD DO FOR MYSELF TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND HE SAID WELL WHY DO I NEED TO SHOW MY BODY TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL? I CANT EXPLAIN IT BUT ITS JUST MY WAY OF FEALING THAT I THINK I WOULD FINALLY FEEL BEAUTIFUL ABOUT MYSLEF AND ITS WEIRD YEH I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AND THINK I LOOK GOOD OR WHATEVER I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS PRETTY, IVE ALWAYS HAD LOW SELF ESTEEM I LOOK AT MYSLEF NOW AND I THINK THAT I AM JUST GROSSE, I CANT STAND THE WAY I LOOK I FEEL SO UGLY! I CANT FIT INTO NONE OF MY CLOTHES IVE GAINED LIKE 20 POUNDS SINCE I GOT MARRIED AND I SWORE TO MYSLEF I WOULDN’T LET THAT HAPPEN I DON’T KNOW ITS JUST SO HARD I HATE THE WAY I LOOK AND TO BE IN PLAYBOY WOULD MEAN ALOT TO ME, BUT I DON’T HAVE THE DRIVE TO DO IT, YEH IF I WANTED TO I CAN MAKE MY LAZY ASS RUN AND EXCERSISE BUT I DON’T HAVE THE WILL POWER TO DO ANYTHING, IT SUCKS! I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF SOMETIMES, HOW COULD YOU WANT SOMETHING SO BAD AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT?
I THINK WHAT MY PROMLEM IS, IS THAT IM SCARED, IM SCARED OF EVERYTHING! AS PATHETIC AS IT SOUNDS I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE ME BY THE HAND AND SHOW ME! AND WELL MARK ISNT THE FITNESS GURU I WISH HE WAS. SO I DON’T KNOW IT’S A DREAM AND ALL I CAN DO IS DREAM ABOUT IT…. ALL MY LIFE IVE ALWAYS FELT WORTHLESS THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH WITH RICKY, MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WAS NOBODY, I WANT ONE DAY TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK IM BEAUTIFUL, I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AND THAT’S THE ONLY WAY THAT WOULD DO IT. I KNOW I GOT SERIOUS ISSUES WITH MYSELF I THINK TOO MUCH, IM NEEDY, SCARED, MARK SEZ I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT AND I DO IF ITS GOING TO EFFECT OR RELATIONSHIP, I WILL I JUST GOT TOO MANY THINGS GOING ON IN MY HEAD MORE THAN I THINK THE NORMAL JOE DOES, BUT I CANT HELP IT IF IT WAS EASY I WOULDN’T BE THE WAY I AM NOW, BUT I CANT STOP. WELL AS FOR ME AND MY DREAM IF I HAD THE CHANCE I DON’T THINK HE’D EVEN LET ME DO IT, HE’D HAVE ISSUES AND BE EMBARRASSED AND I COULDN’T DO THAT TO HIM, BUT I WOULDN’T BE EMBARRASSED PEOPLE WOULD PROBALEY HATE ME AND THINK IM A SKANK OR HOE OR WHATEVER BUT AT LEASTE I WOULD FINALLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, SO UNTIL THAN I’LL JUST BE ME, A NOBODY! I’LL LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT!