So things are going all right im getting over my post trauma experience barely, im just glad he’s doing better, he doesn’t hate me so that’s good! I just can’t get over the feeling of everything being my fault. Well were still looking for another house, we went house hunting this weekend and we couldn’t find anything, nothing as nice as the one house that I liked on Nottingham, it got sold! I new we should’ve got it! Oh well that’s life, well ive been thinking these past few days we have all this money, more money than ive ever had in my life, and there’s just so many alternatives, there’s so much I could do with my life right now, I figure we don’t have kids! And if I keep putting my life on hold for my parent’s im never going to get anywhere in life and I might as well do something now before we really get old! Well we’ve been looking at all our options making a business, investing in something, even maybe moving to San Francisco, its not as expensive as I thought, 300k for a 1b 1b yeh its a lot smaller but hell wed be living in San Fran, id live in a garage I don’t even care! I don’t know its kind of scary wed have to look for jobs, blah blah! Whose to say wed even be happier there! I just feel like there’s nothing here for me in Stockton! I Hate It here! There’s nothing here for the things I want to do! Who knows I guess ill just go with the flow for now!

Sometimes things happen in life for a reason even though we don’t want them to, its like a wake up call trying to remind you that were fucking up! Well you watch drama movies everyday thinking shit like that will never happen to you, and when it does its sometime shard to take grasp of and realize that this is reality and it’s no joke! I know that ive made mistakes a lot of mistakes but I could never live with myself knowing that I could have put someone’s life I danger. So heres my story this weekend was supposed to be a fun filled weekend my best friend and another friend were coming down and we had planned to go out and party all night in San Francisco the whole gang it was Chatas birthday so we all wanted to go out and celebrate and so we did we went to dinner and than got ready to go out everything was cool we all new what we were going to do and it kills me because I had it, im the one that kept peer pressuring everyone to do it especially my best friend I kept pushing and saying if you come we’ll do it, and I know he was excited about doing it too. Well we picked up my brother in law and went to the club we all took it before thinking it wouldn’t hit us for another 30 minutes anyways, well after a while my friend Rene started tripping a little bit I know he was kinda scared trying to fight the feeling. And he was ok he was outside breathing fresh air and I started to trip out, I was praying and praying and I know this sounds crazy but when I do it I swear I can hear peoples thoughts, its weird,I knew he was scared, I started thinking please let him be ok I was praying saying please let him be ok I swear ill never do anything again! I wont get it for no one I wont have anything to do with it again please just let him be ok and I swear to you I could here God saying didn’t you learn the 1st time he said its up to me whether or not I want to mess my life up but you cant keep doing this to your friends and keep peer pressuring them to do these things, so he was telling Me he cant let this slip by anymore and I swore to him if hed let him be ok I wouldn’t do anything anymore ever! So right after all this I told Mark and he kept asking me for another one I was like no I cant and I told him what happened and I know he thinks im crazy sometimes but this was more real than anything as if I was talking to him on the phone or in front of me, so I didn’t give him one thinking I would never give it to my friends again, praying hed be ok and at that moment Rene cam by and said he was ok he said he didn’t feel anything anymore like it went away which was shocking to me like God had tooken it away from him and he was fine. Well we were all doing fine dancing having a good time mines had worn off and my bro in laws so we had tooken another one I didn’t care about myself. About 6:30 or something me and Adrian went to go look for everyone cuz we couldn’t find them,they were outside smoking and Beto was kinda trippin he had tooken another one I would not have let him if I new, an di had the feeling like something bad was going to happen like God had done it on purpose well I thought hed really be able to shake it off, it was already like almost 7 so we went back to Adrian’s and were all scared because he was like in a daze I just had a bad feeling something was going to happen that whole night, he started to have a seizure, started to foam at the mouth, and turn blue, so we called 911 I have never in my life been so scared its my fault! I did it! I put my best friend’s life in danger, im the one who was pressuring him to do it! Im the one who kept telling Mark to get it im the one who kept bugging him about it! Why do I keep making these stupid mistakes? Why didn’t it happen to me? I was never so scared in my whole life I know we all were, the ambulance came and we rushed to the hospital he’s been in there ever since Sunday morning he’s doing ok now I couldn’t go in and see at first I was so scared! I feel so bad! And I asked myself why didn’t we learn when it happened to Chata? I don’t know we didn’t take it seriously we thought oh she’s just a drama queen! I feel so awful no matter what anyone sez im always going to have this guilty feeling inside me. So I guess what im saying is No More! The ones that I had the house I flushed down the toilet I can’t keep putting my life at risk and my friends the people I love I don’t want to be any part of it anymore not with Leslie and Nicole! Nothing I feel so traumatized I guess! I can’t think straight, I can’t feel anything! I know that it was an awful thing, God makes things happen for a reason I think if I kept doing this shit I think someone wouldn’t be alive next time. Its weird I keep seeing all these signs like he’s pointing them out to me like on the TV the movie was about drugs and how they kill people just weird little signs keep being pointed out to me. We had to eventually call his sister and Kevin I know they were scared, and I can imagine how upset they were at us, I know they don’t know it was me who gave it to him but I feel like they do, like they hate me now I know Kevin wont want to come down here anymore, I don’t blame him I just don’t want to lose my best friend I love that boy more than words can say he’s like the brother I never had! He’s been there for me more than anyone else has. I hope hell be o.k. I guess he’s still there because they want to make sure his kidneys are going to be ok! I hope this never happens to anyone I love again, people fuck up I fucked up! I know better now! (I hope!)

January 7, 04
Wow I cannot believe that a whole year has flown by so fast I remember when it was just last January and we went out for my 2 friends birthdays and all the drama that happened with her almost OD-ing crazy huh it seemed like just yesterday. Well 2003 kinda sucked we didn’t do much I had too much drama in my life especially towards the end of the year with the whole snitching issue you know. Im so pissed I swear I feel im being ganged up on like because of this stupid broad like all they do is watch my ass and when im getting in trouble for stupid shit everyone else gets away with everything I swear ive never felt so betrayed and angry at anyone more in my life, that just goes to show you, you can t trust anyone.
Well I was on vacation during the holiday and it was all right I hibernated the whole time I was by myself so it was kinda boring Mark couldn’t get any time off but my holiday was fun X-Mas eve we went to the in laws it was fun I got drunk and oh my gosh I swear I have never had a more horrible hangover ever, we were drinking Sangria and that shit totally jacked me up I was so sick on X-mas! I was so mad at myself! I didn’t get to eat no turkey, no ham, nothing anything I ate made me sick! so that sucked! I guess I learned my lesson! Well we had a party on that Friday our farewell party to my house since were planning on moving, it was fun I made sure and took all the precautions so I wouldn’t have a hangover aspirin, food, water. Yesenia invited her friends and family we had fun we always throw killer parties. I must be getting old because by 3:00 I was like ok people go home now. Well we got to spend a lot of time with the family and that was cool, and get this my sis in law brought her boyfriend down woe! He seemed nice. Well New Years sucked we hadn’t really planned anything so when my cousin said they were going to have a party at there house we were like ok well go but I new it was going to be boring hello they act like Mormons I swear back in the days we used to have fun they were wild and crazy but now they’re like scardy cats! I was like ok put the kids to bed and lets get the party started, a party to them is karaoke night and Pepsi, haha but we had fun we drank and then my cousin was all inviting her tweeker friends to my house I swear they didn’t end up leaving until 6 in the morning and we were about to go to bed I was like ok bye come back another day when were not here! We wanted to E but we couldn’t get shit! That sucked! Well I want to make this year a good one so im trying to be a better person, that’s my new year’s resolution, be more helpful, more considerate, give more to humanity or something, I know im dumb but I want to make a difference before!!!1234 Well right now were looking for a house im so excited we saw this one I really liked 2 bath 3 bed w/ a hacuzzi its nice but we’ll see im scared, but I need to do what is good for me and I know this is good. Well not much going on this Friday were all supposed to go out that’ll be interesting we haven’t actually been out in a while. So well see how it goes until than asta pasta