ok so ive been feeling a little bummed over the past few days i couldnt figure out why, besides the fact that im feeling old and fat and ugly! something just has been bugging me, and i realized im going through an early mid life crisis, im going to be thirty, im planning on having a baby and a family soon, and im so scared! everything i have done and planned for is for my future and now that its here, but im starting to freak out a little bit, i feel selfish, i think about married life and think "im never going to be with anyone else" or "im never going to be able to do the things i used to do" i know thats bad but its hard being married and getting older, your life so drasticaly changes. You become an adult. i still feel like a kid, and i know that im going to have to grow up eventually but you know what , im ready i can say that im finally ready in my life to settle down, ive done so many things in my life, and i guess its about time i stop being selfish and grow up. i cant wait to teach my child all the things ive learned i life, tell them stories about how ive lived and learned, teach them to love one another and not judge people. theres so many things i want to teach them, i want to be ble to give them the things i didnt have when i was young. i know my child is going to be so spioled and so much loved. its just scary but i know ill be ok i know me and Mark will be ok..it'll be a new life for us and im truley looking forward to it...

i look at myself and all i see is imperfections, i see a little freckle on my lip, my husband loves it i hate it i see it as a big flaw, all the bad things ive done in my life makes me the ugliest person. i see a wrinkle in the top left corner of my eye its another imperfection on my face, i see a sad person when i look in the mirror, a person who hates who she is, a pesron who wants to be loved by everyone in this world but cant stand to look at herself in the mirror, how could that be when she dont even care about her body or what she does to it or puts in it, how could i be loved by the world when i dont want to change, i dont want to change, i hate change! i want things to be they were before all this mess happened. i want to love again and be loved again. the newness is almost gone that first kiss, those butterflies in my stomach.... that smile!.... what am i saying..im so selfish i have a silver spoon in my hand how can i be so selfish! i want to be beautiful! i want him to think im beautiful! not just because! i want to be sexy! I want him to think im sexy! how could i be so selfish! wheres that smile? wheres that laugh i so often hear? why are there nothing but tears? why does my heart feel like it just got crushed? i want him to look at me and see what i want him to see..me..inside of me..more than just a goofy smile or a crazy laugh..or a dirty mind! SEE ME!!! DO YOU? i hope its not what i see........

"Hey Lover"

I've been watchin' you from afar,
for as long as I can remmeber
You are all a real man can need
and ever ask for
this is love
this is more than a crush

It was all ....(up at Rutgers)
I saw with your man
smiling, huh, a coach bag in your hand
I was laying in the coup with my hat turned back
we caught eyes for a moment, and that was that
so skated off, as you strolled off
looking at them legs, god damn they looked so soft (so fine)
I gotta take ya from your man that's my mision
If his love is real he got ta handle competition
you only knew about 5 months (that's right)
besides he drinks too much and smokes too many blunts
and I've been working out everyday thinking bout you
looking at my own eyes in the rear view
cathchin flash backs of our eye contact
wish i could lay ya on your stomach and caress your back
i would hold ya in my arms and ease your fears
I can't believe it, I hadn't had a crush in years

[2x] hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
Lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush

I see you at the bus stop waitin everyday
your man must think its safe for you to travel that way
but i don't want ta violate your relationship
so i lay back in the cut with a crush that'a trip
still he can't stop me from having day dreams
tounging you down with huh vanilla ice cream
kissing on your thighs in the moonlight
searching your body with my tounge girl all night
I wonder one day could it be, simple dreams turnin into reality
Our love would come down so naturally
we would walk down the isle of destiny
what your man got his hustle on gotcha type scared
break ya off a little chump change to do your hair
that seems to be enough to satisfy your needs
but there's a deeper level if you just follow my lead
Hey lover

Last week I saw ya at the mall
standing at the pay phone bout to make a call
I had a vision it was me on the other end
telling you come by and then you walked in
I touched you gently with my hands
we talked about traveling the distant lands
escaping all the madness out here in the world
becomin my wife no longer my girl
then, you let your dress fall down to the floor
i kissed you softly and you yearned for more
we experienced pleasure unparallel
into an ocean of love we both fell
swimming in the timeless, currents of pure bliss
fantasies interchanging with each kiss
undying passion unities our souls
togehter we swim until the point of no control
but its a fantasy it(that,you) won't come true
we never even spoke and your man (still) love you
so I'm gonna keep all these feelins inside
keep my dreams alive until the right time

"Justify My Love Lyrics"


I wanna kiss you in Paris
I wanna hold your hand in Rome
I wanna run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country
You put this in me
So now what, so now what?

Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love

Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love

I want to know you
Not like that
I don't wanna be your mother
I don't wanna be your sister either
I just wanna be your lover
I wanna be your baby
Kiss me, that's right, kiss me

Yearning, burning
For you to justify my love

What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Talk to me -- tell me your dreams
Am I in them?
Tell me your fears
Are you scared?
Tell me your stories
I'm not afraid of who you are
We can fly!

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
I'm open and ready
For you to justify my love
To justify my love
Wanting, to justify
Waiting, to justify my love
Praying, to justify
To justify my love
I'm open, to justify my love


These songs they bring back alot of memories.......

I FEEL SO UGLY!!!! I FEELS O UGLY I FEEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY NOONE IS GOING TO WANT ME! NOOONE IS GOING TO WANT TO LOOK AT ME! MY HEART HURTS! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ME?

this lady keeps bugging me today im am going to kill her......awwwwwww nayways im at work and some lady that wants her check keeps bugging me and bugging, anyways things are ok, we had our final last Halloween party it was fun, although i dont remember alot, im so stupid i didnt eat alot that day and everyone kept telling me to drink, drink and drink and i did, alot of shots althoughi dont remember but it was fun i was just a little upset that none of Marco's family came it was a little weird we invited all of them too....I didnt count on you know who, but whatever that just tells me how much of friends they are, Whatever i dont know wbout everybody else who gives a fuck though, see if i invite anyone again....well my freinds came that was most important...even Cam And Fed came woe! next weekend Beto gets married ive gotta be there, me and Marco are gonna hold up my IPOD and sing VUELA VUELA haha, na but hey he does what he wants right....i need a fricken break all

things are going good for once im happy no worries i love my new house my friends nothing bad has happened knock on wood but for once im really happy, i man yeh theres days when people make me sick its like i try to be nice to everyone and "certain people" always screw me its like what the fuck? im your friend or what? im your relative why do you have to be in competition with me so much all the time ive worked hard for the nice things that i have in my life i came from some hard times in my life and i think im blessed with what i have, but people are always haters, WHY? cant they just be happy for me, why do "they" have to hurt me all the time, just people in jenera i dont know its so hard to trust anyone now adays, i give my heart and people squash it, i guess i know who my true friends are now, and there not??? im talking about Joaquin and Sabrina i just dont understand them he hates me i hate him for what he did, and the funny thing is he started it all, i could have told her everything he was doing butwhat he begged me not to, i could have hurt him the same way he did me, but you know what i dont care, not anymore they took my heart and crushed it and now there all buddy buddy with new people yeh it bothers me when we used to be so close i feel used and abused so now that im having a Halloween Party she;s like "well is it ok if we invite Maggie and Rick"? im like no because its a real strictly friends and family and now there like well Jaoquin wants to go out and Maggie and rick want to hang out that weekend, whatever why did i know that they were going to do that, whatever why do i care so much? oh well right i have my friends that really care, things will never be the same way again...
well weve been so busy working on the house and just things happpening every weekend its like i have something to do all the time.. this past weekend was fun Joe called me about 11:00 on friday and me. him and Lyndall went to Paradise it was pretty fun more fun than i usually have and than his friend Kevin ended up showing Alexis's friend the one that we saw at the club in Vegas, well he's gay actually i was dancing with him and hes like im bi im like heyyyy!!! he is so hot, i was like can i take you home? manajetua woo hoo na but he was cute. anyways i need to hang out with them more..i wish Felicia would have been there it would have been cool anyways gotta go...

theres so much going on in mylife right now i have so many mixed emotions, i cant really talk about t what it really is but lets just say that its about LOVE i did something

Today is a not a good, Jessie*** called Marco and was telling him all kinds of
things about me saying that he feels guilty for what happened between all of us I know he's trying to tell Mark something im like to the point were im like lets just get it out in the open allready, I just wish they would have never provoked me or were the way they are but I could have never changed that and the way i am too im stupid i should have never let happen what did between me and Teresa***

I AM TOTALLY OBSSESSED THERE ARE THINGS GOING ON IN MY MIND I CAN'T GET RID OF, I DREAM ABOUT IT, I AM CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT IT, HAVING DREAMS ABOUT IT..WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I CANT EVEN CONCENTRATE ANYMORE..ITS CRAZY I CNAT EXPLAIN WHAT IT IS...BUT I AM GOING INSANE!!! I AM SO BAD! I HATE KNOWING THAT ITS BAD, BUT STILL WANTING TO DO IT. I FEEL SO EVIL! WHAT IF I GO TO HELL, I SWEAR I HAD THIS DREAM YESTURDAY NIGHT THAT THE DEVIL CAME TO TAKE MY SOUL AWAY, AND I ENDED UP GOING TO HELL! ITS LIKE MY SUBCONSIOUS IS TELLING ME ITS WRONG BUT I CANT STOP. IT BOTHERS ME SO MUCH! WHEN I LOOKED UP ON THE COMPUTER IN THE DREAM DICTIONARY IT SAID THE EXACT THING WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH....I DONT KNOW IF GOD WILL EVER FORGIVE ME.......

Things are going so shitty I hate this world! I hate this Job! I hate Everything! im feeling so low again I dont know what to do? i dont want to be a failure again and for some reason i think this is how my whole life is going to be, i was so hopeful and happy that things had changed but they didnt, only for a while, and i have this feeling that this is how its always going to be, I dont think nothiing is going to ever change yeh i'll be fine fo r a while but than i come back to these awful feelings again, im so scared i dont want to lose what i have, my new house, i love it there...what am i going to do and the stupid thing is that im doing it to myself, I stoppped taking my medication just to see how my body would react and i think im going to have to be on meds for the rest of my life, and im so scared that when i decide to have a baby im going to be a bad mother, what if i feel these feeling s when i get pregnant? how am i suppposed to cope? what am i going to do if i keep feeling this way, im never going to be able to have a baby than, i'll never be a good mother! why does this have to happen to me? why can't i ever get better i'll hav eto be on meds for the rest of my life and i dont want that!!!!!!!!what is wrong with me?????!!!!!!

Hello once again its been a while since ive written anything, just so much going on we moved a couple of weeks ago and I LOVE MY NEW HOME! its beautiful and big and well not haunted thank God! i dont i feel so much better here i feel like i can finally breathe i finally got away from all the negativity, all the bad feelings i used to have about myself. I dont have to be remembered everyday i walk in that house of a time that was bad for me. So things are good other than that work is cool besides today they made me go home because my outfit wasnt appropriate! whatever i am and will not change my style for noone even if it costs me my job i swear they can stick it where the sun dont shine! i know im different and i dont want to be like noone else im who i am!
Well lets see what have i done in these past weeks??? oh we went to San Fransisco last weekend it was cool it was Lyndalls birthday so me, Mark, Lyndall and George all went we shopped ate at Asia SF it was so cool its a gender Illusionist show thatwhat they call em but i call it drag queens thay were really pretty though i swear i was like dm they look better than i do beautiful bodies thin pretty faces. i felt shameful to even be a girl i swear im not happy with myself right now i am fat and ugly! i eat too much an di swore that i would never get like this after i got married and look what happened im fat! but im going on herbal ligfe soon my aunt is selling and her and Leslie lost alot of weight so i figure if they can do i can do it too. Anyways we havent much been hanging out with Sabrina and Joaquin i miss them i do but ever since the "incident" we dont talk much or go out lik ewe used too before all that happened.but hey what can i do if Marco feels uncomfortable around them i respect him. So not much going on just the move, and work thats it. MArco got an new job workung with Joaquin he seems to like it but im getting worried he has been asking people and everyone says no, i allready feel like im bugging my friends and he's supposed to get leads pretty soon but im getting scared like this isnt going to be the job for him, i have faith in him that he's good and all but i dont know. I just hope all well. We do have bills and mortgages to pay so i guess we'lll see what happens soon enough ....and hopefully things will be alot better in my new house.

SO things are going pretty good can you believe were finally moving out of my haunted house and im so excited! I dont know if I ever told the story of my old house,So anyways here it goes.... So when we were first started looking around to buy another new house, it was one of the first ones that we had saw and I liked it but, it wasnt what I had reallly had in mind and so we kept looking, as time passed by with no luck we started getting really frustrated and so we went to go see it again and we ended up settling for it, Its a really nice home I must say 3 bed 2 bath hard wood floors, a swimming pool and a spa , but it didnt feel like home I tried painting it I rearranged furniture numerous times but nothing worked. later I started to feel really sick, my epilepsy started up again, I had been stressing off of work and how I was feeling at home, and so I ended up going on stress leave I just couldnt handle it anymore, and so I ended up taking a few months off and the whole time I was at home I started to feel even more and more sick I was getting bad anxiety attacks, I was starting to have nightmares, and I started to feel really really depressed, So depressed that I didnt even want to do anything or go anywhere, all I wanted to do was stay home and see noone and dwell in my sorrows, I cried everyday I even tried to commit suicide on a few occasions literally, I didnt care about my life or anything!! all I wanted was to die!!! I even started hullicinating seeing things in my house people, dark shadows, I couldnt even distinguish what was real or what was a night terror anymore, it seemd oh so real to me.
So I went through about 9 months of funk, I was begining to think I was goin crazy. I went through so much more than I have ever felt or been through in my whole life I didnt care about anyone not even my family or husband and especially not myself...I can remeber so many different occasions where I started to see things, wierd things just seemed to happen everyday, I can remember on one occasion I was home by myself because my husband used to go to work really early in the morning, so i'd be by myself all moring long well, one moring I swear on everything, that I heard someone walking through the hallway, see on the hardwood floors you can hear everything from a creek to a little skweak, and so I heard this noise as if someone was walking up and down the hallway and I also heard cabinet doors opening, I swore that someone was in my house, so I called Marco scared like crazy, and he told me to call the ploice, so I did and they showed up looked everywhere inside, upside, downside and everywhere else, and found noone, by this time I was frantic, I new I was going crazy, and they just seemed to look at my like I was loosing it and I felt as if I was, they ended up leaving a half hour or so later, and not more than a half hour after I startd to hear it again thump, thump...my dog was barking like crazy at the door as if someone was really there. I didnt know what to do, I tried to sleep but I couldn't and before I new it , it was day light and so I pretty much slept the rest of the day, I would have bad, bad insomnia to where I wouldnt sleep for days I would be up all night making myself even more crazy hearing things, seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, I really started to lose it, I can remember another time that I was home by myself, I was in my room like usual, by this time I was so scared that I wouldnt even go anywhere out of my room, I was so scared to leave it. Well I was like I said in my room and I saw somebody standing there right in front of me, I flipped out I started to panic and I ran out of my room with ,my little dog, I called Marco told him to get home right away as I was waiting for him, the whole time I cried hysterically, and I sat right by the front door with my little dog, and when he got home I was allready frantic. I didnt know how to explain what I had saw, I knew by the time my husband allready thought I was out of my mind. There was so many things that happened I cant even begin to tell, I would see people, I would, have night terrors, and I didnt undesrtand why I feeling so sad, I had never felt like that in my whole enitre life. I couldn't take it and thats were again i tried to kill myself I took about 4 bottles worth of medication from sleeping pills to anti siezure medicine I really thought I would never wake up again, and they would find my dead body lying there, but It was as if every way I had tried to die I wouldn't and of course that was a good thing but it didnt seem like it back than, and so anyways, Marco got home early one day to find me crying hysterically he ended up rushing me to the Dr's office and thats where they admitted me to a mental institution, I was so depressed all I did was cry and sleep, I was so scared of being there but I knew at that time thats where I belonged. I tried to keep it to where noone knew, not my friends, family or his, but I know my husband was having it hard he ended up telling his mother and brother. By that time I had allready had tried to kill myself numerous times I even ended up beating myself up literally, I hated everything so much that I hurt myself really bad, I dont even really remember everything but the next day I woke up with a black eyes and bruises everywhere. Well after a while with all medication that I was so doped up on medication, I even started to feel a little better only because I couldn't feel anymore, I had no emotions, I couldn't cry I couldn't laugh or smile, I was just there, although the noises and the seeing things never went away I had started to live with it and fell better. I never had felt so awful in my life feeling deppressed, and all the crazy things that where going on inside my the house, and with me mentally, I fell apart, I really thought I was going to die, my heart hurt so much and I didnt even know why I just new something wasn't right in that house.It got so bad that I couldn't even take care of myself anymore, and so my sister in law started taking care of me she would drive me to the doctors and stay with me I really am thakful to her I dont think I would have made it through such hard times if it wasn't for her.
So a period of two years passed by and all of a sudden one day my mother in law came to me and said she had met this lady, be aware that I have never met this person in my life, I didnt know her I had never even seen her ever before. Her name is Maribel, she is a friend of Marks dads family she supposingly a psychic, she told me things no one new, a while back Betty told me that she had wanted to talk to me but we never got around to talking to each other, but Saturday she called Betty and said that she needed to talk to me so me and Mark went down to her house and she was this little Mexican lady, and she started to tell me things like she new I tried to commit suicide, she new I was feeling depressed, she new I was sick, and all this stuff it blew my mind, I couldn’t believe everything she was saying, it was like she new me! And everything that I had been going through, I started to cry, I cried so hard because it seemed like such a miracle to me, things noone new, not Marco, not Betty not anyone, she told me a little bit of her background and said how when she was 8 that when she first started to see ghosts she said they would come to her and that God would come to her and ask her to help people, that’s why she needed to talk to me to help me, she new I took medication she told me I wouldn’t even need to take it anymore. And than she told me I was going to be ok from now on. So we left and I thought about it after and how weird it was but it gets weirder, that Sunday she called and wanted to go to my house so she came over and and she walked around the house and she went into my far bedroom, a sorda creepy room that was pretty much empty. She started to tell us that someone was there, a young girl 14 years old named Angie she said that she was the one that was making me sick and depressed she was the one trying to make me commit suicide, So As she opened the closet "that’s where it happened she said she had commited suicide, she was also pregnant, It all makes sense to me now the person that called Sabrina And Joaquin said that they were pregnant, it mustve been "her". See I have these two friends my husbands cousin and his wife they came to my house one day and brought me coke and some chips, they said that i had called them that night before and told them to bring it to me some food I hadf supposidly told them that I was also pregnant, it was wierd because I swear I didnt call them. Things were getting to crazy.
it was so strange but I somehow believed her, we both did. All the times that I thought I was going crazy I wasnt, it was "her" doing it to me! She said a little prayer for the girl and and told her to leave, she was standing there talking to someone as if they were really there. And she was gone she said. And than she told me about the dark shadow that I would always see by my bed in my room, she said it was a relative of mines, a young man that had died in a car accident, and immediatley I knew it was my cousin Paul, I had never felt any bad presence from it, I just always saw that someone was standing there right by me.
She left after that and said noone was going to hurt me anymore, and that I was going to be o.k. from now on, and ever since than I haven't seen anything strange or heard anything anymore, ever since the day she cleansed our house. It was totally strange! almost unbelievable but I feel for some reason in my heart she was real. Ive been fine ever since than ive even moved out and on, I just want to start over again an dnever look back ....and I did...

VALENTINES DAY 2006

"fade" by Staind

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too
Much to conceive

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became ’cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I’m older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do....


So much shit in my head going on why do i want too litterly kill myself over something so stupid like my husband looking at another girl! especially a girl that you would never want him to mention about" or look at" theres always that 1, how cxan i talk when ive done wortst than he could imagine why do i fell lik e th fucken queen of "evil" right now!
anyways i feel like shit im drunk as fuck i dont even know if im typoing right so if you cnat undderstand what the fuck im wrighting righn to noe i dont really give a shit you'll figure it out! WHY do i want to feel so bad about myself i feell like im th ugliest person in th world right now? why do i have such low self esteem, i hate myself so much that sometimes i dont give a fuck about my husband or my family or even my friends, what they might think if im gone or what they might feel?? i just want so muc h to just go! even if it would be that i would be in hell! what can be so much worst than feel the feelings that i do now???? i just want to get so suck wasted just so that i wont feel anything!!!! whya do i keep having these bad thoughts ?why will it never go aways why do i wan t to hurt mysel;f so much Arlo????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Why do iwant you to read this just so that i know how much life can suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Are you really out there? am i not alone??? respond to me please! i would love to know that theres someone out there that might be the slightest interested in me?? i could tell you stories that you would never even believe thins things ive lived through that someone couldnt evenn wish ther own worst enemies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!the truth is right now im going to go hurt myself and im not going to evne care or feel anything! because you knwo why??????????????? this is what alcohol and drugs can do to you !! or if your jus t like me yoy can be resllly fucked up in the head ! !!! dont ever listen to "staind" while you feel like shit you just dont know what you might do??!!
oh yeh the meanig of this song really reminded me of another "ASSHOEL " boyfriendi once had but thats a whole new story own its own"!!!!

so things are going ok I feel a lot better about what happened its totally over i dont even want to think about it anymore!! were all still friends but why does there son hate me so much, so look here the deal staright up no lies im not ashamed of it anymore, so me and Sabrina had an affair, Marco knows Joaquin knows but for some reason little Joaquin over heard Joaquin say Affair and Chrissy so im asssuming that hes assuming that me and Joaquin are having some kind of an affair and its not even like that! nothing happened between us..... accept for the few times when we would flirt with eachother and i even flirt with Sabrina, but thats how I am I do it to everybody....so we went to church on Sunday and i felt hella wierd because little Joaquin was hella dogging me and than why did he try to shoot me. I know he thinks the worst to me but its not even like that theres only so much we can tell him without telling him the truth, what are we supposed to say "oh its not me and your dad but its me and your mom having an affair" he's to young and wont understand, i dont know i just feel so bad i dont know what to do and why do i keep thinking of them, i just wish nothing wouldve happened knowing that all this would happen, but its also strange because in a crazy way i liked it, i always wondered what it would be like to be with another girl, and Sabrina's for some reson i felt very comfortable with her. Marco's not trippin off me and her doing anything he just seems to think we all had an orgy and its not true!........ i wanted her not him!! you know me ive always been curious to know what its like to be with a girl and its not all bad , crazy as it may sound if i were not married id probably be bi-sexual...crazy huh? well so thats the drama i was so scared to talk about before but i had to let it out. And yes Adrian you better not say shit!!! hahaaha
Besides all that shit things at work have been alot better as far as with me and my supervisor, i think she probably got told something, and they mentioned alot of people were complaining about her, and when i sat down with Leslie i told her everything, the way she treated me , the way she always singeled me out. Everything!! i finally stood up fpr myself! im so proud, ive never done that before usually i let people walk all oveer me and just take it!! i guess it was the worng time to fuck with me all that happened over that weekend. well other than that ive been feeling alot better i still cant stop hurting myself though its just a way of making myself feel better i know sounds crazy but i cant stop!!!
Oh well we'll see how thing go from now on, Marco starts working with Joaquin pretty soon hope that works!!!!and there will be no problems...I just want us to be friends the way we used to be....they've been there for me through thick and thin....
Even though Joaquin said he was going ot let me die! and that i wasnt good enough fro his Cousin, and wasnt a good wife! whatever hes just as awful too...oh well we'll see how things go......

So theres so many things going in my life right now, i cant even really talk about too personal, to even say, lets just say its not good. it will torment me for the rest of my life, everyday i think about it, every second of the day it crosses my mind how could i have been so fucken stupid!!! I feel like God will never forget and forgive me, what do i do?????
I can't even talk about it right now all i know is that it will be forever in my concious.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!! So my New Years was cool me, Mark, George and lyndall all went to San Francisco we ended up going to The End Up! Yes we had alot of fun

CHRISTMAS 2005!!!!!!!!!!!

COSTA RICA OCTOBER 2005

HALLOWEEN 2005!!