ok so ive been feeling a little bummed over the past few days i couldnt figure out why, besides the fact that im feeling old and fat and ugly! something just has been bugging me, and i realized im going through an early mid life crisis, im going to be thirty, im planning on having a baby and a family soon, and im so scared! everything i have done and planned for is for my future and now that its here, but im starting to freak out a little bit, i feel selfish, i think about married life and think "im never going to be with anyone else" or "im never going to be able to do the things i used to do" i know thats bad but its hard being married and getting older, your life so drasticaly changes. You become an adult. i still feel like a kid, and i know that im going to have to grow up eventually but you know what , im ready i can say that im finally ready in my life to settle down, ive done so many things in my life, and i guess its about time i stop being selfish and grow up. i cant wait to teach my child all the things ive learned i life, tell them stories about how ive lived and learned, teach them to love one another and not judge people. theres so many things i want to teach them, i want to be ble to give them the things i didnt have when i was young. i know my child is going to be so spioled and so much loved. its just scary but i know ill be ok i know me and Mark will be ok..it'll be a new life for us and im truley looking forward to it...

i look at myself and all i see is imperfections, i see a little freckle on my lip, my husband loves it i hate it i see it as a big flaw, all the bad things ive done in my life makes me the ugliest person. i see a wrinkle in the top left corner of my eye its another imperfection on my face, i see a sad person when i look in the mirror, a person who hates who she is, a pesron who wants to be loved by everyone in this world but cant stand to look at herself in the mirror, how could that be when she dont even care about her body or what she does to it or puts in it, how could i be loved by the world when i dont want to change, i dont want to change, i hate change! i want things to be they were before all this mess happened. i want to love again and be loved again. the newness is almost gone that first kiss, those butterflies in my stomach.... that smile!.... what am i saying..im so selfish i have a silver spoon in my hand how can i be so selfish! i want to be beautiful! i want him to think im beautiful! not just because! i want to be sexy! I want him to think im sexy! how could i be so selfish! wheres that smile? wheres that laugh i so often hear? why are there nothing but tears? why does my heart feel like it just got crushed? i want him to look at me and see what i want him to see..me..inside of me..more than just a goofy smile or a crazy laugh..or a dirty mind! SEE ME!!! DO YOU? i hope its not what i see........

"Hey Lover"

I've been watchin' you from afar,
for as long as I can remmeber
You are all a real man can need
and ever ask for
this is love
this is more than a crush

It was all ....(up at Rutgers)
I saw with your man
smiling, huh, a coach bag in your hand
I was laying in the coup with my hat turned back
we caught eyes for a moment, and that was that
so skated off, as you strolled off
looking at them legs, god damn they looked so soft (so fine)
I gotta take ya from your man that's my mision
If his love is real he got ta handle competition
you only knew about 5 months (that's right)
besides he drinks too much and smokes too many blunts
and I've been working out everyday thinking bout you
looking at my own eyes in the rear view
cathchin flash backs of our eye contact
wish i could lay ya on your stomach and caress your back
i would hold ya in my arms and ease your fears
I can't believe it, I hadn't had a crush in years

[2x] hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
Lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush

I see you at the bus stop waitin everyday
your man must think its safe for you to travel that way
but i don't want ta violate your relationship
so i lay back in the cut with a crush that'a trip
still he can't stop me from having day dreams
tounging you down with huh vanilla ice cream
kissing on your thighs in the moonlight
searching your body with my tounge girl all night
I wonder one day could it be, simple dreams turnin into reality
Our love would come down so naturally
we would walk down the isle of destiny
what your man got his hustle on gotcha type scared
break ya off a little chump change to do your hair
that seems to be enough to satisfy your needs
but there's a deeper level if you just follow my lead
Hey lover

Last week I saw ya at the mall
standing at the pay phone bout to make a call
I had a vision it was me on the other end
telling you come by and then you walked in
I touched you gently with my hands
we talked about traveling the distant lands
escaping all the madness out here in the world
becomin my wife no longer my girl
then, you let your dress fall down to the floor
i kissed you softly and you yearned for more
we experienced pleasure unparallel
into an ocean of love we both fell
swimming in the timeless, currents of pure bliss
fantasies interchanging with each kiss
undying passion unities our souls
togehter we swim until the point of no control
but its a fantasy it(that,you) won't come true
we never even spoke and your man (still) love you
so I'm gonna keep all these feelins inside
keep my dreams alive until the right time

"Justify My Love Lyrics"


I wanna kiss you in Paris
I wanna hold your hand in Rome
I wanna run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country
You put this in me
So now what, so now what?

Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love

Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love

I want to know you
Not like that
I don't wanna be your mother
I don't wanna be your sister either
I just wanna be your lover
I wanna be your baby
Kiss me, that's right, kiss me

Yearning, burning
For you to justify my love

What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Talk to me -- tell me your dreams
Am I in them?
Tell me your fears
Are you scared?
Tell me your stories
I'm not afraid of who you are
We can fly!

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
I'm open and ready
For you to justify my love
To justify my love
Wanting, to justify
Waiting, to justify my love
Praying, to justify
To justify my love
I'm open, to justify my love


These songs they bring back alot of memories.......

I FEEL SO UGLY!!!! I FEELS O UGLY I FEEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY I FEEL SO UGLY NOONE IS GOING TO WANT ME! NOOONE IS GOING TO WANT TO LOOK AT ME! MY HEART HURTS! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ME?