July 21, 05
Well lets see things started to fall apart on me again I started to go through that funk again big time I almost tried to kill myself again yes! It all started when me and Cam got in a big fight at grandpas birthday party they stayed over and kicked it with us for a while even Bianca was there, they even talked for a while which was my plan to get then together again but I was drinking like usual and I don’t even remember how it all began but we were all talking and I said one thing and there it went I started crying saying why do you act like this? I even called her a bitch, and said that’s why nobody likes you cuz you act like a bitch and than Fed comes out of nowhere saying Im getting tired of you guys always assuming that im gay like what? I was like that’s not even what im talking about I never even brought that up when Cammille already admitted that she knows her husbands gay and that she’s going to live with it. I don’t know what happened but we just were arguing I sat there on my knees crying to her she didn’t even do shit she just sat there like nothing like ice cold!!! I don’t know what to do I feel like ive done everything to keep our relationship together and she doesn’t give back nothing shes so cold! I cant keep caring so much and trying so hard anymore I feel iv giving up on them I don’t even want her in my life right now I know now how Bianca feels she gives her all and nothing in return! And for them to be best friends all the time and for her to say I don’t have any time for her and her troubles, I can imagine what she says about me they already think im fucken crazy and a drug addict! Whatever I cant take them anymore so ive cut them outta my life for now no more trying to be friends and pushing myself on them. I know she can care less and the sad part about it is that she probably don’t even care or even think about me. For God sake I was down on my knees crying out loud to her and nothing! Oh well right! so ive learned i cant change anyone no matter how hard you try, that next couple of nights I tried to OD I took every medicine I had I still woke up, got in my car to go work and what happens i lose control and crash into a pole, thank god there was someone there to help me, I was sent to the hospital for 3 days because my intoxication level was so high with medication they wanted to send me to the institute again but I was like no way. Even though at the time I should’ve probably went. But i didnt i know i was stupid the sad thing about it is that noone really knows the truth....why i was in there so long.