Well theres been so many things that are going on in my life i dont even know where to start, I went through a really bad health scare recently, it all started last November me and Mark were supposed to go out one night and of course what was he doing but yes playing his stupid video game, I kept on him telling him lets go but he just ignored me like he usually did and so i got really mad and ended up drinking and getting really drunk to where i couldnt even remember what happened that night, well that weekend i felt really tired not sick like a hangover but tired as if i couldnt even get out of bed, So i went to work that next couple of days and my knee and shoulder started hurting i ended up going to the Dr. they couldnt find anything wrong so i went and got ex rays and they still found nothing it felt as if i broke my leg or something but there was nothing broken or sprained, anyways i ended up in the emergency because i was in so much pain! i was out of work for a whole month i couldnt move at all I couldnt go to the bathroom by mysel, i couldnt comb my own hair, or even feed myself it was very hard! and yeah Marco was there but emotionally he wasnt. And than he lost his job and started working at night and things changed. well i did end up going back to work in December and i felt fine for a while but i started feeling my body hurting again, and well for New Years Eve we had all planned to go to LA and hang out with everyone but i got so bad i couldnt really walk and i was in a lot of pain that we ended up driving back home and i spent my whole new Years in the emergency room, it was so sad! the next day i was in so much pain i went to see my Dr. and he ended up admitting me in the hospital, well on New Years Eve they had given me cat scan and when the dr. came into the office with my whole family there he had told us all that it looked like i had a brain tumor...and at that moment My heart stopped i didnt know what to think, so many things went through my mind, i automatically thought i was going to die! what else are you to think when someone tells you that, but I couldnt even cry i didnt know what to really think, my whole family started crying and the only thing that came into my mind was that I was finally getting what I had been asking for, for so long! I ended up staying in the hospitol for over a week and everyday that past i was getting worse and worse I couldnt move my whole right side of my body I couldnt even open my hand or move my toes, it was the scariest thing ever i thought i was going to be paralyzed forever and never be able to move or walk again, and thats what I was most afraid of, not so much dying cause I was already to die. After a week I did end up going home they still didnt know what was wrong with me and they wanted to send me to a specialist in San Francisco, we were already talking to a nuero surgeon planning on what was going to be done, they wanted to do a biopsy and everything. So when i got home i was really amazed to see my husbands family was really there for me, I was so shocked! they helped me out a lot by coming to clean, washing my clothes and even cook for me, i couldnt believe it cause they never even would come to our house, or even really talk to me much and even Adrian came and cooked for me made sure i had food to eat for a week, it was very nice of them, i was really sad and hurt that my family didnt even come by until a month later but its what i expect from them. It was strange to find out that the people that you think will be there for you arent and the people that you think wont be are! I was surprised that even Lyndall was coming by and helping me even Maria Takara came by, but in the back of my mind I could tell it was a pitty visit, im sure they felt guilty thinking that i might die and felt regretful of the crap they did to me, it was just strange but I didnt even care becuase i needed all the friends i could get, with my family not being very supportive and all. Well i ended up getting better over time but i was going to San Francisco every week to see a specialist I was all kinds of crazy tests I had to get a spinal tap that really hurt ive been through a lot of pain in my life and im usually ok with pain but that hurt soo much!! I was doing MRI's here and there, eye tests..everything! And now im better they did rule out that its not a tumor but they think i might have multiple sclorosis, all the symptoms i have are very similar to someone with MS, but there not sure yet because my case is so different from anyone else that has it so i now have to wait and see what happens. I feel way better now i can walk and move normally im not quite a 100% i might not ever be, but i know im going to live! (unfortunaltely) and thats another thing when you go through something like this you start to see life in a very different way, there was a time when i wanted so much to give up and say God im ready to go, and i really didnt care anymore, i felt like i would be a lot happier if I were to just die! and I was really ready, I thought ive done pretty much everything ive wanted to do and was ready to accept that my life was over, I couldnt think about my future or what was going to happen because I really felt as if I didnt have one and I started to feel really depressed, and also because I felt so alone! after a while the attention died out and I was by myself a lot of the time, i couldnt really go anywhere I was home a lot and Mark was gone working all night, I felt lonely and scared and really felt as if no one cared anymore. So me and Mark have been having problems for some time now weve totally grown apart because of all the drama that he had been putting me through with his stupid game and all and I felt really distant from him, all the time he made me feel like he didnt care or love me the same anymore, I felt ugly and abandoned by him our sex life was non existant and he acted like he didnt care anymore, and he was there for me physically by helping me out at home and all but he wasnt emotionally! I couldnt talk to him about how I felt or anything cause he didnt want to hear it and I needed for him to listen to me say that I wanted to give up but I couldnt tell him those things, and well I started seeking attention from other people, and I ended up meeting someone on this stupid application my phone has called Who'sHere, he was amazing he was like no other man I had ever met before, and we connected although he was from halfway around the world, and thats what made it even more interesting connecting with someone that lived so far away, we started chatting everyday, emailing eachother, talking, and I even began to see him on a web cam, it was nice being able to talk to someone about what i was going through it was nice expressing my feelings to someone that actually cared. And he did,(so I thought) he listened to everything i had to say whether it was how i wanted to give up on life or how i hated myself and everything! and I needed someone to hear me say that I wanted to die! and how I really felt about what was going on, and he did and I started to fall for him big time, he was gorgeous and nice and supposedly cared about me too, he was sending me emails about how he was falling for me too and how he felt that he was in love with me, and I felt the same way and we became really close, everyday we were chatting we talked in the morning and in the evening, it became a daily routine that I would be in some kind of contact with him, and him being so far made it even more interesting and I couldnt believe how I could be falling for someone that I had never even met! Mark and I were fading even more and more and my feelings for him had changed, they had actually been changing for a long time ever since he had been acting stupid and didnt care,I had given up on him and my love for him changed, I loved him, but I didnt know if I was still in love with him anymore i felt as if he gave up on me and i had given up on him too..and yes the one mistake i did make with my friend was not telling him that I was married, I felt really bad and guilty, but i hadnt because i never thought it would have came to what it did, I felt like as if I was really falling in love with him, and I knew it was only right for me to tell him, and I was so scared too but i did and I cried and I told him the truth that I was married, and he was ok with it, he said he understood because he went through something similar, and still talked to me the same. Things between us became more and more serious we were seeing eachother on a web cam, and it was awesome! I had never been so turned on by a man in my whole life! he made me feel things i couldnt believe. He made feel alive again! Cause for the first time someone saw me the way I had been wanting to be seen, and although he was on the other side of the world and we were only seeing eachother on a web cam I felt like when he was looking at my through the computer I felt like he was really looking at me in my eyes, and it felt nice! And I had talked about before how If I was ever going to have a connection with someone again and if I would ever have those butterflies or if someone would ever get to know the real me again and I did, he made me feel good about myself I felt pretty for once, noone had ever made me feel that way in my life! We even discussed me going to visit him in Belgium and I really thought about it, I wanted to go more than anything! I felt me going there was going to help make me decide whether my relationship at home was worth keeping or not, but i couldnt make a decison and i told him yes and than no and than again yes and again no, but I thought about what it would be like to see him face to face and how it would be to touch him, kiss him and possibly even make love to him, but I was scared too. And As for me and Mark things were already bad, i was unsure about how I was feeling for him, I love him as a person, we get along but as friends, sometimes it feels as if were only roomates and thats it, my love for him is different now I dont know if I felt the same way anymore, I dont know if I felt the same about our relationship anymore , So yes I did have mixed emotions about actually going there and at the last moment I decided fuck it! im going to go! what did i have to lose me and Mark were practically over anyways, and I wanted to especially after my whole thing that I went through, I felt as if I didnt have anything to lose anymore, and what if I were to die this would have been my last chance to see what was out there, BUT when I told him my decision to go there, he told me he didnt want me to anymore because he had met someone I was in shock! my heart felt like someone just ripped it out of my body! I hadnt been crushed like that in sooo long, probably since middle school when Edward Hernandez my supposed soul mate told me he just wanted to be my friend, I just didnt understand how someone could say they are in love with you one minute and the next say sorry I dont want to see you anymore! Everything till that moment I thought things had been going great between us, but now I think back and I seriously dont know what the fuck I was thinking I was seriously living in some kind of fantasy world thinking something would have happened between us, or that he really loved me, I wanted someone to love me again and I wanted to feel love so much that I didnt care about anything I didnt care about how it would affect me and Marks relationship or what was going to happen between us, I just wanted so bad to feel something good that was going to make me forget about all the pain and suffering I had been going through but I felt so heart broken after I didnt even want to talk to him anymore, and I tried! I really tried not emailing him or texting him but I couldnt! I had tried many times before, because I knew deep down inside he would only bring me heartache, but I chose to ignore it, I knew I shouldve stopped a long time ago before it got out of control but I chose to keep talking to him. I just didnt understand he fell "out of love" with me so fast and I guess I do understand that things changed because I said I was married but I felt I was ready to move on with my life, there were problems happening in my marriage for a long time. I started to feel as if I scared him away with all my drama with Mark, he probably thought to himself why the hell did I ever get involved with her?! we talked still after that, still flirted but I noticed he started to change, he didn’t talk to me the same , he was drifting away, there were no more nice emails or texts, and Now things are weird its not the same anymore, I was begining to feel stupid as I was always throwing myself at him but he just kest rejecting me, and I realized I needed to just move on, I could’ve really given him my all but he chose not to do the same. How could he pass up the opportunity to meet someone that he made a connection with from halfway around the world, I would have never rejected him like that especially over someone he says he supposedly had just met, and in the end ended up breaking his heart! I really hope he regrets it one day in the end! But it doesn’t even matter anymore, I do still care for him but you can only be rejected so many times before you give up. Its just strange now I don’t see him anymore and we don’t talk like we used to, and I miss that cause for how many months it was all about him! I still think about him and of course the things we used to do and talk about but things are different I don’t really understand him anymore, maybe cause I did end up complicating his life after I told him I probably would, it just started feeling like he only wanted me when it was convenient for him, and now he tells me hes seeing someone else again. He told me one day he would be thinking about me but with an ache in heart, when I was in LA and what I had told him I was going to do, why would he tell me that if he didn’t care? its like he was sending me mixed signals, but I gave up, I know things will never be the same and it hurts like brand new shoes! I sometimes feel even more torn than I did in the beginning and I feel like I messed everything up between me and my husband, he didn’t want me and now i feel ive lost him too I know he'll never be able to trust me or forgive me and that kills me.... Saturday I was sitting watching a movie thinking around this time I would have been talking to him and I felt sad and alone, and I cried, not because he wasn’t there but because I felt really alone and heart broken because of everything that I had done! I don’t know what my future is going to bring but I know now that its time to move on and its ok I guess, this is what life and love is all about, feeling pain and accepting that your not always going to get what you want, and learning to be happy with just yourself, and even though I know I may never be happy with myself I know now that I can love again and hopefully one day be loved back in return the way I want too...



"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me