Things are so horrible right now I never thought my life would be so fucked up, my marriage, my friends, my job, im at the point of no return! I feel like im seriously falling apart, my hair is falling out, im getting these horrible stress wrinkles, you can see the stress all over my face, im like what's next my arms and feet are going to fall off! I feel so lost and confused right now its like ever since Joelie and me being sick that my life has changed so drastically I feel different about life and about my marriage, it scares me to the point were I dont know what I want anymore, as far as me and Marco I love him I will always love him no matter what happens between us, but its different now my feelings for him have changed andI know as much as he dont want to admit it that his feelings for me have changed too, I know he hates me, I know that he's never ever going to trust me ever again! and the sad thing is that I serioulsy dont know if I can trust myself, and right now the truth is I can't! and I feel so horrible!!!!! I hate myself! I hate this person that ive become ever since ive gotten sick! I feel so confused about my life and what I want for me, and I cant stop myself from making the same mistakes over and over and over again!!!! I dont know whats wrong with me?** I cant seem to control myself! and its only making things worse, I feel im not ready to make that change. I feel i have all these bad demons provocing me to do bad. I almost dont know what's right and what's wrong anymore. Im scared I might never know again. Im scared that things may never be the same again, between Marco and me, between my friends and I! I dont know how to fix things. I feel so used and yet I do it to myself over and over again! I hate this person that I am, I hate the things that I do and yet I cant stop myself, I feel like almost giving up! I dont know whay all this has happened to me, why did I have to be the one to go throough all this? Why ME GOD? have you totally givin up on me?