Im sittting in Starbucks thinking about all the things I want to write and how much time has passed since the last time I wrote anything, I dont even know where to begin. Well things in my life still feel like a never endig story I hoestly dont even remember the last time I felt happy, My life is sinking so low even more than what I went through at Augustus Court, everything has changed i keep waiting till the day when I can actually hae a real smile on my face, I feel almost numb my heart is numb, after feeling so much pain Im tired of crying and im sick and tired of feeling sick and tired! it feels as if this pain in my heart is never going to go away! my relationship is almost to the breaking point of no return! im tired of trying to make him understand me! I dont know how much more I can actually do to make him really listen to me! its as if he dont get it! marriage should never be tooken lightly, relationships only work when two people make an effort to work together, friendships only last when 2 people make an effort, maybe its me that didnt want to try anymore, maybe its me why Ive lost everyone I loved! George, Lyndall, Sabrina, Jaoquin, and yes Mark! what I went through made my hole life a disaster! im never going to be that same Chrissy I was before I feel like ive also given up on life! that day they told me I had a brain tumor changed me forever! I believe thats the day I died! my soul died! the person i used to be Died! i dont know who I am, I dont know what I want in my life anymore, i feel more cofused than the day it all began. I dont know where to even go from here, I keep waiting for me to fee the same way about Mark and I dont, and I want so much to love him the same way I did before but I DONT! I try and I try to see him the same way and I cant. we do nothing but argue when were together, I dont tink i'll ever love him the same again he pushed me soooo far away theres no going back ever. He doesnt know me and i dont know him, we grew so far apart the love we once had for eachother I dont think will ever be the same again. And it makes me sad knowing that this is how its got to be but he doesnt get IT!!!! Im tired of trying to make him understand! theres no getting though to him. I hate how i feel hate that I had to go thought the things I had to go through as a child, but yes unfortunetly its made me the person I am today, and I hate this person, this sexual frustrated, crazy, depressed person! So ok he takes upon himself to move out of the room and give me space i come home one day and all his clothes and things are gone and moved to the other room, he pushes him self away from me, why??????? for 2cpeople to grow closer together you dont pull back, thats not how you work together, i try and tell him how I feel and what the problem is between us but he dont get it! i need for him to sexually want me! I need for him to look at me with lust in his eyes and want me the way he did before, but he dont ever since his obsession with his video game im forever tormented me and the person I am. The way I look at myself isnt the same, my self esteem is so fucked I see this ugly horrible person who ive become and its all because of him, and its hurts even more knowing he knew how i felt about myself