today’s August 26, 04 im barely getting to finish writing, I hate this I can never finish because im so fucken busy all the time, so ive been feeling a little bit better, Friday night we were going to go to the movies right after we had Shi Ra Soni, as we were on our way over there, I didn’t want to go anymore I saw all these people there and I didn’t feel like being around them, so we ended up going home, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time, I cant even remember what the last movie we saw was I swear! Well we went home and I cried all night, I think this is were I had my biggest break down! I was watching The Mothman prophecies in the living room while Mark watched football in the room, and I swear everything I seem to watch is so coincidental, I keep seeing all these signs everywhere, in the movie one of the characters has this dream where she drowns and dies, and she hears a voice saying wake up number 37, and it just seemed so weird to me that I keep seeing 1234 everywhere what does this mean? I see it everywhere on the clock, on signs, ill notice it all the time! I asked this Psychic that I saw one day but she didn’t seem to really know, I swear call me crazy but I know its some kind of a sign! Well anyways I find it weird, all these things keep seeing, and so as I laid there crying wanting to die, I was trying to tell Mark how I feel like inside of me im trying to Yell at the top of my lungs and I feel like noone hears me! Like no ones paying attention or cares. I know that he knows im going through something, I know he wants to help me, it just sucks that sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want to know about it, and I don’t want to burden him with my problems all the time, im afraid he’ll get tired of me always saying the same thing over and over and leave me.
Well the next day I woke up with swollen eyes, looking like shit, and I felt better than I had felt in a long time. I think I needed to get everything out! I needed to cry my eyes out I guess. That Saturday we went to Arianas 21st birthday and I felt social, I wanted to be there, I wanted to talk to people and be myself again, I even talked to my sister in law to be, even though she didn’t really talk to me back much, you know how that goes, But I felt good! And ive been feeling better ever since, even though my job sucks ass big time and it stresses me out like crazy! Im trying to take in everyday slowly as it comes, I thought about it and im like “what’s wrong with me”?? I have a brand new house, with a pool, and a hacuzzi, and I feel like shit! I don’t want anybody over, I don’t want to party! Or do anything, And I thought I should be having the time of my life right now, I should partying every weekend, taking advantage of the things I have, I have no kids yet nothing holding me back! and I haven’t taken advantage. I haven’t even been swimming in 2 weeks that’s how sad it been. I thought about all the good times we had when we first got married, we went out all the time to san Francisco and partied, all the places we used to go, when we were all young, I miss those days so much, I would give anything to be able to go back than. I guess I just miss my friends, and im having trouble accepting that im getting older and things change. When your young things seem so uncomplicated, you have no responsibilities and now that im older time seems to fly by that I dont even have a chance to sit back and enjoy it. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be but I know that I can’t, and I have to eventually accept it. I know things aren’t going to be fine and dandy all the time, but im trying, I don’t want to live my life dwelling on the stupid shit everyday, and I know that I could probably fall back into the same old feelings again, I don’t know how much longer I have here, but im trying my hardest to make this life seem worth something. I guess that’s all we can do………