August 9, 2004
I guess you can say things are ok, well not really im lying to myself I have been feeling like crap lately tired, sick, dizzy! I went to the doctor last Monday and I told him that I had epilepsy, I originally went there and told hi I had insomnia so I could get something to help me sleep but I ended up telling him that I had epilepsy so he didn’t give me anything to help me sleep, and now he wants me to do a bunch of tests Ive already been through it, and I hate that im going to have to got through it again, but the other day at work I felt it coming on again and I guess im glad I told him its coming more often that usual. So now well see what happens, saturdya I went to go get a blood test I feel like there going to call me and tell me something bad, its funny though because im hoping they let me know something is not right with me, maybe its just a chemical imbalance in my brain, I don’t know but im getting to the point were im like there has to be something wrong with me because why else do I feel so shitty all the time, I know it cant be all totally in my head! Saturday I felt like crap while mark went to Lisa’s baptism I stayed home all day and slept! I flet like such crap!, I don’t know lately I haven’t been wanting to do anything! I don’t even want anyone to come over and I fell bad because my cousin Les is calling all the time leaving me messages her & the kids want to come over but I never call her back! I feel bad that I keep dissing her but I just don’t want to talk to anybody or anything!





August 19, 04
Things are ok I guess I still feel the same, I still feel like I don’t want to go out or anything, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I guess its because im stressing out at this dam job! I applied at UOP a while back and I got A card in the mail saying that they would call me, so im hoping I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I got paid more here but I don’t, so I’m stressing out like crazy all the time! and I don’t even get paid shit! So we’ll see, well I haven’t really done anything lately I still have been feeling depressed I don’t know but I have not felt this awful in a long long time! I’m too the point were I don’t care about anything! Sometimes not even my life! I don’t want to feel this way but it succumbs me, I came home Monday and all I did was cry, I know Mark cares for me, he’s such a wonderful husband, he stayed there with me instead of going to baseball game, I just feel like he doesn’t understand how bad it, and he thinks its all in my head! I want him know, sometimes I know he thinks why cant I just brush these feelings away, but I cant! Its not that easy, I want him to read this so he knows but he won’t, I think maybe he’s scared to really find out the real me, I don’t know! Well things have been sucky, Friday Mark had that DJ job for Trisha’s mom at Arroyos I went and then Rene & Mayra got there, with there friends and I was there by myself, Trisha was doing her family thing, and I felt stupid! I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere! And i hate that I do this to myself because for a long time I was very introvert, I wouldn’t talk to people, I would be scared, I would be hella shy! And I feel like im becoming that person I don’t want to be again. I changed because I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be someone else, but now im falling back into my same old pattern like before, I feel scared again, like I don’t even know how to react around people, and I don’t want to be this person again, Im even beginning to fill like this at work too, I don’t even talk to anybody anymore. Well I go see the neurologist on the 30th maybe it’s because im feeling sick, and its all in my mind, im beginning to wish there would be something wrong with me just so that I know its not all in my head. Time is flying by so fast summers almost already over I haven’t really had anybody come over lately, Les was always calling wanting to bring the kids over but I kept dissing, that’s probably why she hasn’t called in a while, I feel bad but just the way ive been feeling I don’t want to talk to anybody or see anybody! I just want to stay home and sleep! Even on Friday at Arroyos I felt uncomfortable that I made some story up how I was feeling sick and I went home, I know they were all probably talking shit but I don’t care! I don’t care about anything!
Well today I did my first presentation in front of a whole class at work, I was so nervous I felt like I wanted to throw up and faint! I was practicing all last night but I couldn’t do it, but it actually wasn’t that bad I went up there did it and it was over! As I started talking I just flew through it so im glad, I guess I was trippin over nothing! I felt like such a dork though like George Lopez, “I went to the Orientation, because im the Team Leader”! haha, I felt pretty proud of myself even during our luncheon with the Calworks people our Executive director came up to me and congratulated me on a good job that I had done, cool huh!
today’s August 26, 04 im barely getting to finish writing, I hate this I can never finish because im so fucken busy all the time, so ive been feeling a little bit better, Friday night we were going to go to the movies right after we had Shi Ra Soni, as we were on our way over there, I didn’t want to go anymore I saw all these people there and I didn’t feel like being around them, so we ended up going home, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time, I cant even remember what the last movie we saw was I swear! Well we went home and I cried all night, I think this is were I had my biggest break down! I was watching The Mothman prophecies in the living room while Mark watched football in the room, and I swear everything I seem to watch is so coincidental, I keep seeing all these signs everywhere, in the movie one of the characters has this dream where she drowns and dies, and she hears a voice saying wake up number 37, and it just seemed so weird to me that I keep seeing 1234 everywhere what does this mean? I see it everywhere on the clock, on signs, ill notice it all the time! I asked this Psychic that I saw one day but she didn’t seem to really know, I swear call me crazy but I know its some kind of a sign! Well anyways I find it weird, all these things keep seeing, and so as I laid there crying wanting to die, I was trying to tell Mark how I feel like inside of me im trying to Yell at the top of my lungs and I feel like noone hears me! Like no ones paying attention or cares. I know that he knows im going through something, I know he wants to help me, it just sucks that sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want to know about it, and I don’t want to burden him with my problems all the time, im afraid he’ll get tired of me always saying the same thing over and over and leave me.
Well the next day I woke up with swollen eyes, looking like shit, and I felt better than I had felt in a long time. I think I needed to get everything out! I needed to cry my eyes out I guess. That Saturday we went to Arianas 21st birthday and I felt social, I wanted to be there, I wanted to talk to people and be myself again, I even talked to my sister in law to be, even though she didn’t really talk to me back much, you know how that goes, But I felt good! And ive been feeling better ever since, even though my job sucks ass big time and it stresses me out like crazy! Im trying to take in everyday slowly as it comes, I thought about it and im like “what’s wrong with me”?? I have a brand new house, with a pool, and a hacuzzi, and I feel like shit! I don’t want anybody over, I don’t want to party! Or do anything, And I thought I should be having the time of my life right now, I should partying every weekend, taking advantage of the things I have, I have no kids yet nothing holding me back! and I haven’t taken advantage. I haven’t even been swimming in 2 weeks that’s how sad it been. I thought about all the good times we had when we first got married, we went out all the time to san Francisco and partied, all the places we used to go, when we were all young, I miss those days so much, I would give anything to be able to go back than. I guess I just miss my friends, and im having trouble accepting that im getting older and things change. When your young things seem so uncomplicated, you have no responsibilities and now that im older time seems to fly by that I dont even have a chance to sit back and enjoy it. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be but I know that I can’t, and I have to eventually accept it. I know things aren’t going to be fine and dandy all the time, but im trying, I don’t want to live my life dwelling on the stupid shit everyday, and I know that I could probably fall back into the same old feelings again, I don’t know how much longer I have here, but im trying my hardest to make this life seem worth something. I guess that’s all we can do………