August 9, 2004
I guess you can say things are ok, well not really im lying to myself I have been feeling like crap lately tired, sick, dizzy! I went to the doctor last Monday and I told him that I had epilepsy, I originally went there and told hi I had insomnia so I could get something to help me sleep but I ended up telling him that I had epilepsy so he didn’t give me anything and now wants me to do a bunch of tests Ive already been through it and I hate that im going to have to got through it again, but the other day at work I felt it coming on again and I guess im glad I told him its coming more often that usual. So now well see what happens, saturdya I went to go get a blood test I feel like there going to call me and tell me something bad, its funny though because im hoping they let me know something is not right with me, maybe its just a chemical imbalance in my brain, I don’t know but im getting to the point were im like there has to be something wrong with me because why else do I feel so shitty all the time, I know it cant be all totally in my head! Saturday I felt like crap while mark went to Lisa’s baptism I stayed home all day and slept! I flet like such crap!, I don’t know lately I haven’t been wanting to do anything! I don’t even want anyone to come over and I fell bad because my cousin Les is calling all the time leaving me messages her & the kids want to come over but I never call her back! I feel bad that I keep dissing her but I just don’t want to talk to anybody or anything!





August 19, 04
Things are ok I guess I still feel the same, I still feel like I don’t want to go out or anything, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I guess its because im stressing out at this dam job! I applied at UOP a while back and I got A card in the mail saying that they would call me, so im hoping I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I got paid more here but I don’t, so I’m stressing out like crazy all the time! and I don’t even get paid shit! So we’ll see, well I haven’t really done anything lately I still have been feeling depressed I don’t know but I have not felt this awful in a long long time! I’m too the point were I don’t care about anything! Sometimes not even my life! I don’t want to feel this way but it succumbs me, I came home Monday and all I did was cry, I know Mark cares for me, he’s such a wonderful husband, he stayed there with me instead of going to baseball game, I just feel like he doesn’t understand how bad it, and he thinks its all in my head! I want him know, sometimes I know he thinks why cant I just brush these feelings away, but I cant! Its not that easy, I want him to read this so he knows but he won’t, I think maybe he’s scared to really find out the real me, I don’t know! Well things have been sucky, Friday Mark had that DJ job for Trisha’s mom at Arroyos I went and then Rene & Mayra got there, with there friends and I was there by myself, Trisha was doing her family thing, and I felt stupid! I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere! And i hate that I do this to myself because for a long time I was very introvert, I wouldn’t talk to people, I would be scared, I would be hella shy! And I feel like im becoming that person I don’t want to be again. I changed because I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be someone else, but now im falling back into my same old pattern like before, I feel scared again, like I don’t even know how to react around people, and I don’t want to be this person again, Im even beginning to fill like this at work too, I don’t even talk to anybody anymore. Well I go see the neurologist on the 30th maybe it’s because im feeling sick, and its all in my mind, im beginning to wish there would be something wrong with me just so that I know its not all in my head. Time is flying by so fast summers almost already over I haven’t really had anybody come over lately, Les was always calling wanting to bring the kids over but I kept dissing, that’s probably why she hasn’t called in a while, I feel bad but just the way ive been feeling I don’t want to talk to anybody or see anybody! I just want to stay home and sleep! Even on Friday at Arroyos I felt uncomfortable that I made some story up how I was feeling sick and I went home, I know they were all probably talking shit but I don’t care! I don’t care about anything!
Well today I did my first presentation in front of a whole class at work, I was so nervous I felt like I wanted to throw up and faint! I was practicing all last night but I couldn’t do it, but it actually wasn’t that bad I went up there did it and it was over! As I started talking I just flew through it so im glad, I guess I was trippin over nothing! I felt like such a dork though like George Lopez, “I went to the Orientation, because im the Team Leader”! haha
well this weekend was ok, friday wasnt so good ive been feeling like shit im trying ti shake these feelings off