July 13, 2004
Well it’s been about 9 months since I last blacked out! It’s weird how I just saw that movie “The Butterfly Effect” and how the same thing in the movie happens, & than it happens to me, and at the worst possible time, while I was swimming in the pool, i just Thank God Mark was there with me because I probably would’ve drowned! I know now I need to be careful, im even scared and I usually don’t care. I know when it’s going to happen because I get this sense of like a De Ja Vu I felt it coming so I yelled out to him to help me out but it was too late, I passed out on the steps! it was strange though usually when it happens I totally black out not remembering anything, but I think because I was in water It helped me to be conscious, still I felt like I was in a daze, I couldn’t move, like my body went numb! I feel so bad I know I scared the crap outta Mark I can hear him yelling at me calling my name but I couldn’t respond! Im ok though. Well right before it happened I was telling him about how I was stressing at work & feeling tired because I haven’t been sleeping good, and that’s probably why it happened. I tried to explain to him that material things are not what make me happy, I have everything I could possibly want but I still feel empty.

The other day were at Tower Records and I was looking at Kurt Cobains diary, so I thought about it and I know im not famous or anything, but I was telling him how I should look into publishing my journals, I would call it “My Diary” “Inside the mind of a manic depressive” I’ve been writing for years & in here for a little over a year & I guess these blogs are becoming pretty popular, I sometimes read other peoples, I just wonder if anyone read mines, and what do they think of me? Do they think im crazy or do they relate? I know there’s got to be someone out there that can relate to me, I saw it on an infomercial one night when I couldn’t sleep, so I know im not the only one. I always said to myself I wish I could just step outside of myself and see me the way everyone else does. What would I really look like? I try to make myself be a better person, when I was with my ex he made this person I hated! And now that were not together, I don’t want to be that person I used to be! I was listening to the radio the other day, and they were talking about how these young girls are cutting themselves (scarification) and i used to do that when I was there age, I thought I was the only one who did that shit! I guess I wasn’t the only one who went through it and had those feelings; I don’t want to feel this way forever! So I try to make myself be more happy by being more social, or funny, or friendly or whatever but Mark will tell me im too shy, and that people see my attitude and it makes me feel like they don’t like me, his family for example! and that makes me feel shitty because I want people to like me, I don’t want to be that introverted person that no one likes again! I don’t think I am! I think ive come along way; Its just hard trying to be someone different on the outside than what your really feeling on the inside, no one knows the real me! It’s like a clown costume I put on everyday, trying to make everyone laugh and smile, but really on the inside I feel like im slowly dying! Well ive been trying to get my husband to read all my journals for the longest so that he really knows how I feel and for some reason he don’t want to, I feel like not even my own husband knows me, I don’t know what his reasons are, maybe he’s scared to know, sometime I feel like he thinks im making it all up and im being a big ole drama queen & I do want him to think that of me because its not true! These feeling I have are real no matter what I do or try to get rid of them I can’t. I keep telling myself I know I need help, but I cant get myself to do anything about it, in some way I think writing makes me feel better, I want other to people to know that they’re not the only ones going through it, and if I can help them or we can help each other, I would love that, but than again I am no one! And who would want to know or read about me, I guess life Is all about having hopes & dreams, I guess that’s what keeps us going, maybe mines will come true someday!......and everything will be all right!