July 8, 2004 Another rough night! I swear I don’t know how much more I can take of this I have such an awful time sleeping, sometimes I sleep good and most of the time I toss and turn all night, like last night. I don’t know what to do ive been taking this medicine that’s been helping from the doctor but last night I took it and it still couldn’t sleep! I just feel like im getting sleep deprivation and im going to lose it one of these days, everyday gets harder and harder…
Well besides that things are ok, me & Mark went and bought a movie last night the one with Ashton Kutcher, “The butterfly affect” it was pretty good, strange, and somewhat very coincidental, I know I shouldn’t take these movies so literal but this was so weird that I started to cry, it made me really think about my life and why im here. I always had this thing were I felt like I was on this earth for a reason, I had this dream along time ago were I was outside looking up at the sky and God came to me and said that I was supposed to fulfill some sort of deed for him I can remember seeing him and everything, but in my dream I couldn’t figure out what it was he wanted me to do, and I still feel like that I cant figure out why im here….my aunt she does numerology you know like a psychic, and well one day we were at her house and she was telling us how she new when her brother was going to die and all this stuff, and she telling me how some people aren’t meant to be on this earth, she gave me this strange look, & I got this very eerie feeling, like she was talking to me. Since both of my parents are mentally disabled my mother wasn’t actually supposed to have kids, & so I guess you can say I was sort of a miracle baby. Just like I the movie he went to a psychic and she told him the exact thing. Well the movie is about a guy who has these blackouts, he can’t remember anything when it happens, so he reads these journals that he’s been writing in for years (like I have) & he starts remembering what happened when he blacked out, so he tries to go back in time and fix everything, but every time he goes back in time he ends up messing up things even worse. The coincidences in the movie were to weird, he was molested when he was a kid, I have blackouts, I think im not meant to be here, I feel like these little things keep popping in my everyday life, whether in dreams or in movies or whatever, but they seem like there all signs trying to tell me something, the same thing with the whole Marilyn Monroe story. Call me crazy but I know im right and it scares me to death! And than as I was getting my clothes ready last night it hit me, I passed up my chance! My chance to make a difference, to change things. I had this dream the other night that my aunt had planned this trip to Africa and I was supposed to go and help out over there, but as they were leaving, I wasn’t ready, I made all kinds of excuses why not to go, I wasn’t packed, I didn’t take time off work, blah blah and I new that I had passed up my chance, and I feel like I really did pass it up. Do you ever have dreams that you know your dreaming, you can do anything want and it wont matter because you know it’s not real? Well when we were kids we were outside playing one day slip and slide we were ghetto south side kids so we made our own out of a tarp, you know put some water on it, and soap a there you go well, I remember running down it falling and hitting my head hella hard that I passed out, and its strange but ever since that day I feel like ive been dreaming, like I know this life isn’t real, almost like in my dreams, like I could do anything and it wont matter! I feel like im going to wake up one day and it’s still going to be that same day. When I was young I never saw myself living pass the age of 27 I don’t like to tell anyone but it’s just something ive always felt, I guess that’s why now that im 27 everything just seems weird and coincidental. Like all these signs keep coming up, and the whole thing with the numbers 1234, I keep seeing them everywhere ill happen to look at the clock and it’ll be 12:34, ill look up at a sign & it’ll be
461-1234, I’ll look on a piece of paper and its there! Mark says im looking for it but I don’t I swear! I don’t know life is scary! One day you can be here and the next your not. What would you do if you knew you were going to die on a certain day? Would you go out & let it happen? Or would you stay home & hide from death? I guess all our lives are all written in Gods hands and whatever happens, Happens…….