June 28, 04
So we finally moved to our new home at work, its ugly, its scary, and it stinks, and most of all I hate it! I miss our old place, it was nice, right by the water and especially where all my friends are at… oh well that’s life I guess. So im not good with change I’ll just have to get used to it. Well things are ok, besides all the drama at work, Saturday was Mark’s cousin Alex’s wedding it was ok, we didn’t go to the church but I heard it was all fucked up, and how his own sister kept creating drama, I guess because they were all were used to the other girlfriend, that they haven’t really given her a chance yet, I can see how it is when they don’t like the wife….well we went to the reception after and it was fun Sabrina & Joaquin were there, They are a trip, they out do us now! I really like them were both the same. I like hanging out with them, better than anyone else. She talks to me. She gets all crazy like I do. So we danced and drank and than I started to get tired, my medication started to kick in, I couldn’t even hang anymore, I was ready to pass out, so we ended up going home early.
Sunday his family came over and went swimming, it was cool, but sometimes I just like to chill at home by ourselves, I should have known better to get a pool, I don’t know I have mixed emotions about it now, I like it just for us to go swimming, but now everyone and there mama want to come over you know how that is.
Well yesterday I was home by myself while Mark went to play baseball, I was watching this special on Marilyn Monroe, you know how I LOVE her, well they were talking about her death how they have this theory on how they think she committed suicide, In my opinion I think she accidentally overdosed, I could see how that could have happened, well they were saying how she was severely depressed, she had anxiety problems was scared all the time, she had low self esteem, and insomnia, it was so weird, how much we had in common. Everything they said about her I I kept saying to myself, me too! They were saying how she had insomnia and how she couldn’t sleep at night because she had bad anxiety, and she would take hella medication to help her sleep, and then in the morning, she would take shit to help her wake up, well who does that sound like? And as I was listening to everything they were saying about her, and how much of a coincidence everything was between her and I, I started to get a little scared and I thought to myself, is that what is going to become of me? I do the exact same thing she did. But I never thought of myself as a drug addict, I guess I can’t admit it to myself, and I can’t stop! It’s an addiction that I don’t think ill ever get over, and it scares me! Sometimes I feel just the same as she did, like life totally sucks and I don’t care if I live or die! Everyday is a struggle for me! But I guess as bad as I think things are I can say im not as weak as her, as much as I hate everything sometimes I still try and go on... I think if I didn’t have Mark I would probably lose my mind. He’s what keeps me going and I think for her, she was just very lonely…and that’s probably why she was so depressed. Its hard people don’t understand what its like for us, and I don’t think they ever will……