so things are going ok im feeeling alot better i guess ive been trying to keep my min buisy by doing things around the house im losing things to do. Well grandma Tillie past away it was pretty sad thing i dont even want to even think about when the tables are turned it makes me want to even be moore around her than i allready am, anyways well , im still going through a funk i guess everyone has there own issues im supposed to go back to work next week and just that scares the shit outta me im so not ready, im freakin out bad!!! im about to lose it its the future im scared of not the past anymore, i feel nothing sometimes it;s like a blah so it makes me cut myself to feel Mark hates it, i guess you can say it's an attention getter thas what Scott my shrink would say! well ive been thinking alot about doing "E" i know its bad, i hate to even think about it i just want to feel so bad, feel happy that feeling you know! i crave it almost! i even told Michelle to get it for me and i'll take it i swear, as for Beto i think he'll maybe do it one more time why do we think of life like nothing i can be here one minute and gone the next like Tillie i can be gone by my own hand what if i accidentally mix my pills up? what if i overdosw? life is so scary!!!! i know Biancha is going through it shes going through the newlywed stage im a little past it but still there its all these fucking drugs they give me im like a fucking walking drug store with no feelings i just want to gettawayfrom it all we hang out alot with Joaquin & SAbrina its cool we drink alot, and Mark starts to act like dad watching everthing im doing i know he worries i know he has his reasons, but i know my limits he doesnt understand that my tolerance level is much higher than his he gets drunk with 1 drink, well i just want to feel again sad, angry, mad something!! oh yeh i had another night terror again but this time i wasnt slepping i still think its in my room i went to bed and i swear i felt something there and touching me, call me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!